Pros of having One child?

[Newmum26]

We have a DS who will be 3 in a few weeks. He is our world and I'm a stay at home mum so he gets slots of time and love and we get many comment on how advanced he is which I believe is partly down to me and DH being able to put time to him.
I'm really swaying towards just having the one child, I've been thinking about it for a while now we always thought we weren't fussed about having any kids then when we tried for DS and he came along we couldn't imagine our life with out him. Then we thought we would like two.
But now I'm just not sure, we are so happy as a family of 3, and we don't feel 'incomplete' like you hear so many people say with a second child 'our family is now complete'
But I'm worried about the effects of him being an only child, all the things you hear 'he will be spoilt, he won't have good social skills with others, he will be lonely' and I'm sure there are many others.
Can anyone share with me some pros of having only one and if the cliche comments about having one were true for your only?
Thanks so much 😊

I have a 7 year old who DEFINITELY does NOT want a sibling!

She has plenty of friends (even during lockdown!) I had one brother growing up and although I love him and we got on well growing up but not particularly close now. Still lots of love but he's just not part of my everyday life. It's like he's another 'thing' to remember.

I'm glad for me that I don't have to hear

'She took my thing! He kicked me! She's lying!' Ten times a day!

Siblings get sick of each other much quicker that friends!

@BooseysMom
I don't always read every post, sorry.

I read the OP's one then went straight to reply

All families are different. You could get a hundred different stories in here tomorrow night

Love your child and although it's hard don't ruin today by mourning non-existent possible futures!

What if you had fallen pregnant with a second and it had health issues

What if you had a second and your marriage suffered

I could go on and on ❤️

I only have one, she's 22 now and says she never wanted siblings. She has excellent social skills and has got the job in every interview she's had which I think is down to having to learn how to make herself 'likeable' at an early age so she could make friends on holiday etc due to not having a ready made playmate. She makes relationships easily though prefers her own company and is quite anti social once she's not at work, probably due to being used to enjoying her own company, though she adores animals and pets (maybe she saw them as siblings?) I don't the you can generalise at all about having people to share the load in later life, I know many many people who have poor or non existent relationships with their siblings as adults and who take on the care of older parents with no support. I've never regretted not having another child, we've been able to help DD out materially in ways we couldn't if we'd had more than one, though that's certainly not the most important thing it has made her adult life easier

@MarylandMayhem.. i want to thank you & all the others who have kindly posted here since i posted. Also to apologise to @ISawATiger who i ranted at last nite when i was feeling low! If you read my post i really am sorry. I hardly ever send such posts and my pmt has been off the scale lately. I'm sorry.

@Stella8686.. thank you for taking time to reply. I did factor in the possibility of something bad happening to another DC and it was that fear amongst others which stopped me. I think it's a peri menopausal crisis that i'm suffering atm!!

I need to remember these wise words...

Love your child and although it's hard don't ruin today by mourning non-existent possible futures!

I might write it down where i can see it every day!

@MarylandMayhem...i meant to add i'm sorry to hear about your parents. It must be hard for you having to shoulder all the responsibility. It does show that siblings can be useless at times! I just don't want DS to feel resentful of us when we get old and he has to have that burden alone but your experience shows that siblings are no guarantee to sharing the load. I think what you do caring for your parents is incredible.

I had siblings and was often lonely as a child.
I planned to have an 'only' but then we had a surprise second. I love us being a 4 but I also loved us being a 3 and I know if we'd not had another we'd have been just as happy, just in a different way. (And life would have been easier and less expensive!)
Every single person's experience is absolutely unique no one can advise you on this nor should they. The only thing I would say is don't listen to the bullshit stereotypes re only kids.
I'm amazed that more people don't stick at one these days with parents having kids later in life and climate change etc etc.

@runningtogetskinny.. thanks for your input which is really interesting to read.

The fact you've never regretted having another child is inspiring and i need to reach this point emotionally. We would hopefully be in the position to help DS when he grows up as you have for your DD.
I had foster siblings who always came first when i was growing up and i hated it but i thought if i had more than one DC i could make sure that they all love and respect one another. The reality is very different! Now i have no one to talk to hence why i'm here all the time venting! So i wanted it not to be like this for our DS. But everyone and every family is different. For some reason i'm also worried about him never getting to be an uncle! Is that a valid worry?..i don't know!!

I was an incredibly happy only, and we have planned for our DD to be an only too. There are so many pros to having one child – if you have a look into all the various studies and research, only children actually excel in quite a few areas, including happiness.

There was a thread on here the other day about whether you get on with your siblings, and there was at least a 50/50 split between those who did and didn't. There were plenty of tales of being bullied by siblings, toxic relationships as adults, stressful and anxiety-ridden childhoods, etc. The magical sibling relationship is by no means guaranteed and I don't think anyone should be having another child because they believe their two children will be best friends their entire lives. They might be; they might not. I myself have a best friend I've had from the age of four who has been just like a sibling to me (without any of the family politics and sibling rivalry getting in the way) so only children don't have to be lonely, and tend to find their own network and value close friendships. At 34, I have a husband, a strong network of friends and my daughter – plenty of support, should I need it.

There's also the financial aspect. While we are comfortable and could afford another, sticking at one means we can afford to give DD a truly excellent start in life. She will have a substantial house deposit, fully funded support through university if she chooses to go, and we can even stretch to private schooling, if we decide to go down that route. As the only child myself, I've also benefited financially, which has made life a lot easier and more pleasant.

Also in terms of the care argument, siblings or not, one sibling almost always ends up doing the overwhelming majority of care for an elderly parent, and if you're the woman and only have brothers, unfortunately it's most likely to be you. There's also a lot to be said for not having to consider family politics and the clashing interests and opinions of siblings when deciding on care for elderly parents. I know friends who have had very fraught times trying to sort out care for their parents because they don't get on with siblings or fundamentally disagree with the approach they are taking.

I read a good post on here once - basically that you get unhappy families of any size - it's just than if there is 3 children it gets attributed to this.

I have a sibling and we never got on. Luck of the draw, different personalities. We would both have been much happier without each other and barely have any contact now. Though of course there are many people who are close to their siblings.

We were similar to you, initially not bothered, then had one, thought we "should" have two, but then realised we were actually really happy with just one. Pros for us: It's so easy, comfortable, we have plenty of money and time, work is much easier (half the time off for sick children, school events etc!), we can fit things around him rather than trying to please two children. I can work part-time and pick him up from school. We can retire early. Quality of life for all of us is much better.

DS is genuinely happy being an only but even if he wasn't, we wouldn't have a second just for him.

It seems very common at DS's school and among people I know, no-one comments on it. I think the only comment we've ever had was from someone from a different culture where only children are unusual, and even then it was just curiosity. Maybe I don't know many rude people

In every family I know with elderly / infirm parents who need care, it ends up falling to one child, regardless of the number of children. I already know this will be the case with my own parents despite having a sibling.

Have a second only if you and your partner really want to.

I have a younger brother. I was very much the favourite of the two, my brother was labelled as the stupid one, the one who wouldn't amount to much. He's now doing rather well, career-wise, but my parents still put us against each other, now we are in our early 40s. I am not super-close to my family, but we text each other on occasion and I do worry about them. My brother and I are WhatsApp friends but I haven't seen him in about a year.

I have an only teenager and she is brilliant. She is an introvert and is very good at finding her own fun. She is intelligent, and caring, and has an excellent sense of humour. However, all the way through her childhood we have encouraged her socially, inviting friends over for dinner, or for days out. Since lockdown she has found life difficult because although she is an introvert she misses her friends terribly. All her bolt-holes like her favourite museum and public library have also been closed. She has been a bit down. So we asked her what can we do to lift her mood. She said she wants to cook and bake more, and she wants to create more. So we have helped her by getting her some crafty things, and she said she wants to learn how to knit from her Nana, which we will try and facilitate once we are able to. She has also been helping her dad cook dinner and she's made some cakes and biscuits which has really helped her mood. She keeps in touch with her friends on WhatsApp and Zoom. I try and get her out for a daily walk every day.

I didn't have a second because of health problems, and my family dismissed those saying, yeah, but your sister in law/cousin/aunt had the same and she had 2/3/4 kids? But I was insistent, no more. I am glad. We saved lots on childcare, on clothes (a cousin sometimes donates stuff she doesn't want anymore!) and on food. We didn't have to move to a bigger property, meaning not moving away from the area we like.

I don't always think having siblings is an advantage.

My son (6) is an only child. He's very well socialised. He shares nicely (generous to a fault sometimes!) and is polite and kind. He does lots of group activities (swimming and cricket lessons as well as Beavers, in addition to his school and holiday clubs). Not sure how much more socialising I could give him, or what else a sibling would provide really.

Don't let ignorant other people upset or worry you x

@BooseysMom we are in a crazy situation which is probably heightening these feelings. Lots of children are very happy as onlys and more and more children are onlys now which means he won't be "different" in school.

I have 1 dd8. Couldn't have any more and whilst it hurt I have accepted that this is was it is. I would never have considered having only one if you'd asked me 10 years ago but actually it's wonderful. I'm one of 6 and have a great relationship with my siblings, but I think we've been lucky in that respect. I know families where siblings don't get on and hate each other.

Pros of 1
Lots of love and attention
Dad and I are incredibly close and get to snuggle up and watch girly movies a few times a week without interruption and do other fun things together
Dh and 1 have been able to excel in our careers and now work very flexibly so dc rarely needs after school or holiday care
We take several holidays a year because we can afford to, some just us 3 (and dog) and others with family. She has 2 cousins that are also onlies, plus other cousins who are the same age.
We have the time and energy to support friendships. She regularly has friends over here for sleepovers and hot tub parties. He friends always ask to come around here when us parents are organising play dates. I'm more than happy to facilitate.
When dc has a sleepover at friends dh and 1 get a night off! At least once a month.
I go on girls holidays /weekends abroad several times a year because it's easy to leave one with my dh. My dh also have travelled the world with work and I could manage very well at home with 1 . I would've found more than 1 not do-able working ft
Dh and I have time together when she goes to clubs- 3 hr club on Saturday for example means a long lunch with wine :-)
Lockdown with 1 has been a godsend. She's very independent and can sit and do work for hours whilst dh get on with our work.
We can support her financially in the future- house, uni , car whatever

Cons
Sorry can't think of any and I have tried!

Sorry that should say dd like snuggling not me and dad 😳

@booseysmum an example being my DH, he is one of three, however, he is the only one supporting his elderly parents as his DS emigrated 20 years ago and his DB has mental health issues resulting in him living in support housing. Therefore he has no one to reminisce with or share the load despite having 2 siblings. Go with what feels right for you, I've never regretted having just one and think our bond is stronger as a result

@ScarfLadysBag..
@LostSapphire...
@HeimdallSaysNo...
@sanityisamyth...
@megladon2020...
@runningtogetskinny...

Wow! Thank you all for your posts. I want to reply to each one and will go back and re-read them. But suffice to say your real life stories have really helped so thank you.
I'm def too old to have another so i have to try and accept it for what it is and realise the grass is not always greener with siblings!
Thanks ladies. As always there are so many people out there ready to support those who need it.

@IdblowJonSnow.. i almost forgot you there! You slipped in as i was writing my first reply. Thanks for your input.

I'm amazed that more people don't stick at one these days with parents having kids later in life and climate change etc etc

...How true this is! We had DS in our early 40s and omg when i look back it's no wonder we never had another..we were/are constantly knackered!! but the lock-down isn't helping... as @Marlena1 says we are in a crazy situation atm

We've swithered a lot on whether to have another, but honestly, we can barely handle the psychological (& financial) stress of having just one. Adding another would be unmanageable.

Any fantasising about wonderful sibling relationships can be easily extinguished by reminding myself that both DH and I have 2 younger siblings who we barely see or talk to.

For me it comes down to practicalities rather than idealising.

I have an only DD age 4 and the amount of time I spend feeling guilty for her being on her own, it's ridiculous really as I know she is happy and not bothered at all! She sometimes asks for a sibling but then she only wants a sister and I don't think she really knows how things work!

Me and my OH are very silly, play with her whenever she wants really and just kind of go with the flow, and it seems to work. Although I do wish she had that relationship with a sibling I also think we should stop punishing ourselves.

I have 2 older brothers but still felt like an only child as they were more for each other and always left me out, so I know that having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean having a great relationship.

Anyway it's late and I'm waffling, but be kind to yourself, me included

Also in terms of the care argument, siblings or not, one sibling almost always ends up doing the overwhelming majority of care for an elderly parent, and if you're the woman and only have brothers, unfortunately it's most likely to be you. There's also a lot to be said for not having to consider family politics and the clashing interests and opinions of siblings when deciding on care for elderly parents. I know friends who have had very fraught times trying to sort out care for their parents because they don't get on with siblings or fundamentally disagree with the approach they are taking

I totally agree with this. I cared for both my parents for many years, and I think it was easier not to have to agree everything with someone else, but just to go ahead and do what I thought was best.

More money would honestly be the only positive, but then why have kids at all? He is our world and I'm a stay at home mum so he gets slots of time and love and we get many comment on how advanced he is which I believe is partly down to me and DH being able to put time to him this is absolute bullshit though.

Ds (16) is an only child, we tried for another baby but I had several mc's & we divorced when he was 6, I didn't have him until I was nearly 38. He has never asked for or wanted a sibling, he's happy on his own, he has Autism & isn't a people person. I am also Autistic, I was only diagnosed last year & I have beat myself up that I probably passed it on, for that reason alone I'm glad i didn't have more children, I don't think I could have coped with more than one autistic child, even though ds isn't really that much trouble.

Interesting read. I’m an only child and have a 9 month baby myself. With the baby being so young and me ‘only’ being in my late twenties I (or rather, we!) have plenty of time to decide if we’d like another but I feel under pressure to decide now, particularly if we don’t want a large age gap.

I’ve always loved being an only child. My mum was a single parent so we had a bit of a Gilmore girls vibe going on. I wasn’t spoilt on a material level but I never had to compete for attention. This probably sounds like a prime only child thing to say but I always loved that I knew for sure that I was the person that someone loved most in the world. I had a difficult pregnancy myself but it was fine because I could just hole up in my bed for the first half of it, whereas I’d feel immense guilt inflicting that upon an existing child. I physically would not be able to care for my first child for a good chunk of, or potentially a whole, future pregnancy. My husband has one sibling who he has a very indifferent relationship with, it’s actually awkward hearing them have a conversation. I don’t particularly feel under pressure with respect to caring for ageing parents as I’d only have the one to care for and, admittedly, it’s a long way off so it’s not a concern at the forefront of my mind - my mum is also quite independent by nature. I love the thought of being able to completely devote ourselves to our one child on an emotional, physical and financial level. We aren’t exactly poor but there would be fewer opportunities if we had two. Also, whilst my labour wasn’t traumatic, I have no particular desire to do it again and due to certain things that happened have been told that I would be a candidate for an ELCS. The first birth was fine but a second vaginal birth may cause more lasting damage and the thought of having a csection then having a baby and an existing toddler / child to care for doesn’t sound all that desirable.

All that being said I just can’t imagine not being pregnant and having a baby all over again. Pregnancy and maternity leave has genuinely been the highlight of my life. Not to witter on about my age but it almost feels like I’ve peaked too soon. We also have small families so there will be no cousins close in age, big family get togethers, adoring aunties and uncles etc. And whilst I am more sociable as a parent than in any other facet of life, I’m still not massively outgoing and definitely enjoy being at home. I don’t want to have to constantly be ‘on’ trying to set up social interactions.

I’m looking forward to reconnecting with my husband at some point in the not too distant future. Our baby is of the breastfeeding / co-sleeping ilk so even just an adult only lunch date sound like heaven right now - that might just be lockdown talking though.

Having wittered on about myself for ages I think one conclusion I’m coming to is that I want to experience my first pregnancy and maternity leave again... and actually a second pregnancy and ML would be totally different. I couldn’t just spend all day cuddling my baby on the sofa before swanning off to baby sensory.