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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

First baby at 44

21 replies

Bubbarells · 11/05/2019 06:04

Hi everyone I just had my first baby at 44 just shy of 45. I suffered years of infertility. Now I am literally panicking at the thought of my boy having such old parents and no siblings. One positive is that we are mortgage free in a very affluent area. So stable financially. But I am worried about our baby now suffering due to our age and the fact he will always have old parents. Anyone else in a similar position or have views?

OP posts:

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NameChangerAmI · 11/05/2019 13:42

Congratulations

I think when you're LO is at school, you'll be surprised at how many mums in their late 30s and early 40s there will be, especially if you're in a very affluent area.

In my youngest DD's class, there are several only children, and this seems to be the norm.

Nicecupofcoco · 11/05/2019 14:42

Hi op!
Congratulations on your baby!
I understand your concerns, i know how you feel.
I agree with pp though one child families are becoming more common. I think as long as your child has a good support network, so yourself and dp... Does he have any aunts, uncles and cousins? Or any close friends of yours or dps that he might see as an aunt or uncle as he grows up?
He will go on to make his own friends when he moves on to school, plus having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean that they would be as close as youd like.
I have two brothers but wouldn't say we were close at all.
Enjoy your son, and try not to worry about the future.

juneau · 11/05/2019 14:45

You would not be unusual around here OP (home counties). There are many parents at our DC's primary who are late mid-late 40s and older. I know several parents in their 50s and one dad is late 60s.

Don't let this spoil your enjoyment of your baby! I'm sure s/he would much rather exist with older parents, than not. It depends where you live, of course, and in some areas many parents will be younger, but if you're in London/SE you won't stand out, so don't worry about it.

Pipandmum · 11/05/2019 14:53

I had mine at 41 and 43. A friend had her first and only at 46. Other than the only child side, there’s a lot of us and she doesn’t stand out. Her kid is now 16 and they’re all healthy and happy and it’s fine. My husband died at 51 so there’s no guarantees out there.
As for being an only child - no squabbling, no fighting for your attention, you can each share the child without them having another to deal with... lots of positives!

Aprilladvised · 11/05/2019 15:00

I am 47. Three of my former classmates have toddlers. One is adopted, one had fertility treatment and the other was a complete surprise. That's the women. There are even more men who are father's to young children. I think you'll find that there are other older parents at the school gates when the time comes.

Original poster

Bubbarells · 11/05/2019 19:57

Thabks everyone for your responses. Pipandmum sorry for your loss also. I used to live in London but we moved to New Zealand a couple of years ago. I do notice in my area some of the mothers are not super young. But I now just worry that my son will be embarrassed or that he will worry about us dying when he is young. I guess I am worrying too much. I need to try and enjoy him as you say and also keep ourselves as healthy and fit as possible (and start botox haha).

OP posts:

MumUnderTheMoon · 12/05/2019 00:07

Congratulations.
Just enjoy your lovely baby. Don't focus on those negative thoughts. My dd delights in being an only child she has to share me with no one. Doubtless your lovely boy will feel the same. Plenty of mums have babies in their late 30s and 40s so you will not be so unusual and we are living longer now. With advances in medical science you ds could have you into his 50s/60s.
On a serious note though, if you cannot shake these thoughts over the next week or so talk to your hv about it.

KellyW88 · 12/05/2019 00:25

My DH’s Mum was 41 when she had him and his Dad was 45, he too is an only child. He loved his childhood and never worried about the age of his parents (something I don’t think kids generally think about in my experience at least!) and loves them both dearly. I’m 30 and his Mum’s physical fitness is still better than mine has ever been :’) what I’m trying to say with his example is don’t worry about such things if you can help it! Congratulations on your LO you’re going to be awesome I’m sure

Fantasisa · 12/05/2019 00:30

Only children were rare when I was little (I always envied them ) but they are not rare at all now in my experience. For lots of reasons including the same as yours. Congratulations on your pregnancy and enjoy your little baby, you can’t change this situation so accept it

juneau · 12/05/2019 09:29

You're definitely over thinking this! Your DS won't worry about you dying unless you put that idea in his head. Kids are very accepting of their lives and their parents and IME they don't question stuff like their parents' ages until they're much older. At that point you can have a chat with him, but there are never any guarantees of longevity, however old you are when you have your kids.

Moonflower12 · 12/05/2019 12:50

My DP is an only child who was brought up by his grandparents. He believed them to be his parents until he was in his teens. He was never conscious that his 'parents' were older than the rest. He had a very happy childhood and was very glad to have been an only child.

We have a 6yo DD who is effectively an only child. She has 3 siblings but has never lived with them as they had gone to uni etc when she was born. I was 44 when she was born.

Many of my friends are about the same age or a bit younger- all of whom I've made through my daughter.

Enjoy your little one and stop worrying.

Her0utdoors · 12/05/2019 12:59

I'm the same age as about 25% of dd classmates grannies, and the same age as about the same amount of other mums. I don't think any of us feel self conscious. It hadn't really occurred to me that women can bare children for several decades and it's not the big deal that we are made to feel for doing it too soon or leaving it too late.

LimitIsUp · 12/05/2019 17:12

Stay a healthy weight, eat a healthy diet and take sufficient exercise, and then you'll be biologically 'young' (if not chronologically young). All will be fine

Settle59 · 14/05/2019 07:15

Objectively speaking I don't think there's anythiing wrong with having an only child at 44 or at any age come to that.

Settle59 · 14/05/2019 07:16

Congratulations by the way just enjoy every moment!

Settle59 · 14/05/2019 07:22

I think the most important thing with your boy is instil him with confidence and self respect so that he can make the most of opportunities in later life and make good choices. My experience has taught me that the older parent /only child thing doesn't matter at all but lack of confidence does especially in adulthood as it makes people lose opportunities. Self respect and self confidence - if he has these I'm sure he'll be happy and make excellent choices. To be honest though I'd be giving this advice if you were a 24 yr old mother who'd just had your fourth child iyswim!! I guess what I'm trying to say is don't worry at all - family structure doesn't matter but confidence and happiness does x

Settle59 · 14/05/2019 07:24

Also OP I'm an only child an and I use it to my advantage- I tell myself ok I've had to deal with some family situations on my own as an only child and this has given me confidence to deal with difficult situations socially and at work etc!

windysowindy · 14/05/2019 07:55

OP very usual here, older parents and 1 child families. To the point where I am feeling guilty about my second on the way!
I am late 30s and one of the youngest or average for my area.
My dad died early 50s when I was very young, you just never know. Enjoy the tinyness 😍

Flyingkites123 · 15/05/2019 22:34

I know this is a fairly old post but anyway... I'm a primary school teacher and your age really isn't that uncommon anymore. I taught a 5 year old whose mum was 54. I know another mum who was 50 with 2 year old twins. The babies kept them young and the kids didn't know any better. Quite a few

On another note, 70 and 80 isn't what it used to be, if 40 is the new 30, 70 is like the new 50. Your kid will be fine.

Original poster

Bubbarells · 08/07/2019 07:32

Thanks everyone for your feedback especially as it is so positive. I am feeling a little less anxious about it now and just trying to enjoy my wonderful little son. He is a dream come true 🥰

OP posts:

Afteryoux · 08/07/2019 07:38

I am an older mum and there are definitely disadvantages (eg elderly grandparents, older cousins etc) but I have never felt left out or awkward for being older (dont know if I look it but definitely don’t act it.)

My dc have never commented on it either apart from apparently I dress too young but then they are at that age where parents are generally embarrassing full stop so I don’t take a great deal of notice.

In my circles no one would bat an eyelid at your age or situation.

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