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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Tell me about how you benefitted from only having one?

54 replies

jinglebells123 · 19/12/2017 00:20

I feel like the focus is mostly on how your only child will benefit I.e. lots of attention, more experienced/holidays/hobbies but I wonder how people have felt the benefit themselves?

I constantly swither about having a second. I’m 36 so pushing on a bit. DD is a bright, bubbly but exhausting 3 year old.

If I’m honest, my main drive for having another isn’t because I personally crave another - I don’t really like babies - they are cute but in hindsight I found the baby stage so, so dull and if I did have a second I wouldn’t get the same experience of chilling on the sofa watching friends while the baby napped or played on the play mat - I’d be juggling a toddler too. My main drive would be to achieve that vision of a perfect family I.e. 2 dds who adore each other, are best friends for life and can share the burden of their elderly parents!

I have a demanding, well paying full time job and realistically I’d need to drop some hours if I had a second so money would be tighter as well as outgoings increasing.

I also had a pretty serious hobby before I had dd - I had my own horse and spent most of my time out competing or pottering at the farm - I stupidly sold my horse during a particularly demanding period and now that dd is older (and horse mad) I totally regret it. If in have another child, I’ll not be able to start riding any time soon or buy another horse and I’ve just started getting back into it and am thinking of buying another horse in the next year or so.

Another negative is that I’d get fat again and have to re lose all the weight I fought to lose.

Finally, I sometimes worry my mental health would suffer - dd is great but sometimes I really struggle with the constant demands and mood swings that come with a 3 year old mini diva and I just about manage now without totally imploding!

So, any other mums feel that they personally have benefitted from having one child? I do sometimes feel a bit selfish that I’m not sacrificing my own needs for that of my dd (she tells me she’d love a baby sister) but surely having a sane, non stressed parent is better for her than having to share a totally frazzled one?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Fivefootoffun · 20/12/2017 21:02

Bumping this as in a similar position and would love to hear people's real life experience.

Trialsmum · 20/12/2017 21:08

Exactly the same reasons really.

My figure bounced back.
We have an expensive family hobby.
The baby stage is hard!
I had mild PND.
It’s easy to get a babysitter for one!

HoundOfTheBasketballs · 21/12/2017 07:42

Lots of benefits I can think of! My DS is 9 and an only. I am now a single parent at 37 so chances are he will stay an only!

I find it fairly easy to get people to look after him, especially now he's older. People seem very happy to mind him because it's just him and he's "no bother". If there were more than one of him, I think my babysitting options would be reduced. This gives me the freedom of continuing with my hobbies and having a decent social life.

We do lots of fun activities together, again especially now he's a bit older. It's not as expensive to take just the two of us off for the day to a museum or something.

The same goes for eating out. We eat out a lot. Because it's just the two of us it's cheaper and easier to decide where to go.

We are beginning to discover shared hobbies and interests. We both love cycling so we go on bike rides and have been on a cycling holiday together. There's no sibling around, who might not share these interests so we have our things that we do together.

I only have one pair of school shoes to buy, one school coat, one lot of birthday presents. This leaves me with a significantly increased disposable income than I would have if he had any brothers or sisters.

There are other benefits, mainly around only having one child meaning I have more time and more money.
We are incredibly close, and sometimes I do worry about him being alone when I'm not around anymore. But part of my job as a parent is to equip him to be able to form relationships with his extended family and outside his family so he will be fine as an adult.

pigletpie29 · 21/12/2017 08:44

Gosh I'm the same - 37, 3 year old dd, demanding job which allows us to be very comfortable with one child, pnd after first and just lost the three stone I put on! No horse though! Not getting fat seems a selfish reason but it was so hard to lose and I'm enjoying actually being able to wear what I like. So I'm subconsciously putting off the decision until it's too late I think...

Original poster

jinglebells123 · 22/12/2017 23:45

Thanks for all the replies - good to hear I’m not alone!

When I think of my short term future, I like the idea of getting back into riding and sharing that with my dd, of getting fit again etc . It doesn’t involve another pregnancy or baby - longer term though, I still have this vision of 2 sisters, thick as thieves :(

OP posts:

sunshine546 · 23/12/2017 08:25

I have done that piglet pie

I've subconsciously put off the decision until it's too late .. I'm now nearly 41 and ds is 5..

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2017 08:28

“I've subconsciously put off the decision until it's too late .. I'm now nearly 41 and ds is 5”

I was 41 and dd was 4 when ds was born.

I think, if it’s at all possible, children should not be onlies.

JemIsMyNameNooneElseIsTheSame · 23/12/2017 08:34

Would you like to expand on that Bertrand?

georgie262 · 23/12/2017 08:34

One of my best friends is an only child and she hates it. You hear on mumsnet quite often about siblings hating each other and you will be reminded that there are no guarantee they will get in (and there aren't) BUT in RL everyone I know gets on with their siblings so I think it's more rare than mumsnet would have you believe.

SandysMam · 23/12/2017 08:38

Having had a second, I would say your reasons not too are all excellent. For your health, wealth and sanity one is so much easier! However, I love the fact that if something were to happen to us, DS1 would have someone else in the world and the relationship between them is lovely to watch.
My crunch time came when a serious health condition made me have to decide to have a second as it was “now or never”. I imagined how I would feel if never happened and realised I felt sad so that might help you to reach a decision. Or just get a horse and tell your DD it is her new sister

Personwithhorse · 23/12/2017 08:40

Get the horse and a life! My brothers and I never got along and one of them was horribly abusive to my dad before he died, which I was not aware of. I always wanted to be an only child

EvaBlu · 23/12/2017 08:40

I was an only and hated it despite being close to my mum and having a happy childhood. I longed for a sibling as a child and then I lost my parents in my early twenties and felt so alone in the world with no family. I therefore had four children of my own.

But my best friend is an only and loved it. He only resents it now his parents are dead and he would like a sbetter bling who remembers his childhood and family traditions.

Different patterns suit different families. There is no “right” answer to family size.

Soozikinzii · 23/12/2017 08:42

I beg to differ I definitely done get on with my siblings well I do when I see them which is about once every two years! I do have a big family myself though ie 5sons and a stepson so maybe if I only had one child it would be easier to keep in touch with them ? Finiacially it is a massive strain having a large family even now my youngest is 20. He is at uni ,he does get a loan but we pay for his room in a house share. Also I worry that we can't help our sons to buy houses like other families ,we can't help them out with their deposit because we can't help them all. Don't even mention weddings . In fact one child is sounding like a very good idea why didn't I think of that . Only joking !

Swearwolf · 23/12/2017 08:57

What really stands out in your posts for me is this vision you've got of two sisters. Since there's a 50/50 chance it would be a boy, how would you feel about that? It would be another child, but not your two sisters thick as thieves ideal (not that opposite sex siblings can't be close, I get on so well with my brothers as adults, and my two, a boy and a girl get along beautifully). I guess I'm just saying, if the big pro point is this idea of two best friend sisters, that might not be the reality of having a second.

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2017 09:05

"Would you like to expand on that Bertrand? hmm"

Yes of course. Not sure why the though. I think that it's best in an ideal world for the children not to be outnumbered in a nuclear family. I think it's very easy for only children to be too much the focus of parental attention. I think that's not ideal for either child or parents.

FatRedCrayon · 23/12/2017 09:06

I went through a similar decision making process. Horrible PND and I wasn't sure how I'd cope with the second. Thankfully, the second time round was very different. It is tough, as they are both still small. I'm hoping that they're close when they're older. I didn't just have a second for the sake of the first though, Me and DH wanted two children, although we weighed up pros and cons just like you are doing.

I'm an only. Looking back, there are advantages and disadvantages. But I'm sure the same can be said for having siblings. It's all going to depend on your own family circumstances, and the kind of people your siblings turn out to be.

ocelot41 · 23/12/2017 09:06

We can both (just about) manage to have careers which we find interesting and stimulating, still have time for DS and (a very little time alone). Couldn't face the baby stage again - DS has chronic reflux and the sleeplessness and unrelenting screaming drove us both to the brink of depression. Heck, I was so exhausted I was hallucinating. DS also turns out to have SN and can be pretty challenging - would have really struggled to balance this with two.

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2017 09:06

And of course the practical things others have mentioned-the sense of being alone in the world after the death of parents. No one to share the load with-no one wirh shared experience.

EvaBlu · 23/12/2017 09:25

To be fair you can continue a career with more than one child. I have four and have continued to progress my career throughout as has DH, I’ve secured promotions and have won a prize as a role model for balancing work and home. Having more than one child doesn’t stop you doing stuff. In fact I feel less guilty working with four, who have one another, than I would if I was leaving an only in childcare alone.

321namechange · 23/12/2017 09:35

DB had 3 DC. I saw the noise and chaos and knew I didn't have the temperament for that. DS will not be alone when we are dead, he has cousins on both sides and we have holidayed etc with them so plenty of shared memories.

juneau · 23/12/2017 09:36

Your second DC could be a boy.
Even if it's a girl they may not get on (my DSis and I did not get on AT ALL throughout childhood and are only friends now we're adults).
Your second DC could have health problems or a disability.
In other words, having a second DC because you have a dream of 'two sisters, thick as thieves' is dangerous, and almost certain to be immediately shattered. DC don't conform to their parents' dreams, they're individuals - complex, irritating, lovable, fun, but totally unique. Your DC will almost certainly not be what you're dreaming of. He or she could turn your life on it's head. You've got to factor that in and at least accept it on some level. Otherwise, stick with one.

Midge1978 · 26/12/2017 08:32

I was able to return to work when dd started school whereas if I had had another I would still be a sahm going insane!!

I get some lovely one to one time with dd, we have a lovely relationship. I have time to help her with homework and anything that's troubling her.

I can be proud to say Dd can do lots of activities as we have no other time/money commitments. She is very sporty and is great at swimming and skating. We have lovely days out and she gets to do lots of things that her friends with siblings don't do.

I have taken on what I can manage and that makes me a happier, better parent. I don't honestly think I would have coped with two. My depression may well have got worse, our financial situation would have been critical with me not earning and an extra child to look after. That would have put strain on our marriage and affected my ability to parent.

There are pros and cons to every situation. The down side is the pangs of guilt you get in situations such as holidays or Christmas when the lack of another child feels more obvious and there are many times when I have to be her playmate or work extra hard to socialise her but the positive outweighs the negative.

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/12/2017 08:41

Would you want the child if it was a boy OP?

Original poster

jinglebells123 · 28/12/2017 12:23

I’m sure if I did have a boy I’d love him unconditionally but my preference would be a girl and i sometimes think if i could guarantee that I’d be more inclined.

My other concern that I forgot to mention is my history of miscarriage- I’ve had 3, 2 before dd and one since - all at the 5/6 week point and all very different (first time I collapsed and ended up in hospital).

That’s another thing I’m not sure I want to risk again.

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 29/12/2017 16:31

Bear in mind if you did have another girl they could fight and may not be the clos sisters you dream of.

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