Tell me about how you benefitted from only having one?

[jinglebells123]

I feel like the focus is mostly on how your only child will benefit I.e. lots of attention, more experienced/holidays/hobbies but I wonder how people have felt the benefit themselves?

I constantly swither about having a second. I’m 36 so pushing on a bit. DD is a bright, bubbly but exhausting 3 year old.

If I’m honest, my main drive for having another isn’t because I personally crave another - I don’t really like babies - they are cute but in hindsight I found the baby stage so, so dull and if I did have a second I wouldn’t get the same experience of chilling on the sofa watching friends while the baby napped or played on the play mat - I’d be juggling a toddler too. My main drive would be to achieve that vision of a perfect family I.e. 2 dds who adore each other, are best friends for life and can share the burden of their elderly parents!

I have a demanding, well paying full time job and realistically I’d need to drop some hours if I had a second so money would be tighter as well as outgoings increasing.

I also had a pretty serious hobby before I had dd - I had my own horse and spent most of my time out competing or pottering at the farm - I stupidly sold my horse during a particularly demanding period and now that dd is older (and horse mad) I totally regret it. If in have another child, I’ll not be able to start riding any time soon or buy another horse and I’ve just started getting back into it and am thinking of buying another horse in the next year or so.

Another negative is that I’d get fat again and have to re lose all the weight I fought to lose.

Finally, I sometimes worry my mental health would suffer - dd is great but sometimes I really struggle with the constant demands and mood swings that come with a 3 year old mini diva and I just about manage now without totally imploding!

So, any other mums feel that they personally have benefitted from having one child? I do sometimes feel a bit selfish that I’m not sacrificing my own needs for that of my dd (she tells me she’d love a baby sister) but surely having a sane, non stressed parent is better for her than having to share a totally frazzled one?

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Benefits:
So much quality time to give, don't have to split my time with another and feel guilty

When DH is with DS I get to do my hobby/relax/recharge and vice versa - we both think this is vital for good mental health.

Financially easier

Holidays are easy

One set of washing/ironing/homework etc (the boring stuff)

Getting babysitters is easier as people don't mind looking after one.

One set of shoes to get on, one school bag to pack, one suitcase to pack, one lunch to make. - generally less work!

No poor sibling relationships, with jealousy, competitiveness, resentment.

Disadvantages
Dealing with people that think having 2 is 'better' and want to to tell you in public, on one child family forums etc.

Haha mrstumbletap, yes that disadvantage is particularly irritating.

6-yr-old DS loves being an only child but we do have a big family with lots of cousins his age who he sees regularly and for all big holidays/celebrations. I feel like he gets the best of both worlds.

I was torn for quite awhile because it is seen as selfish to only have one...but I would actually have nightmares every time we decided to try again and in the end, we realised we were doing it just because it's the done thing. I think insane to bring a life into the world when you're not completely convinced it's what you want.

I love having an only and it works for us. Only you and your DH can decide if it's right for your family.

I really can't decide whether to stick with one or go for another right now so finding this really interesting....

grandolddukeofyork How old is you first? I was the same as you and undecided and have a thread about it. I've only just decided to have another but I'm taking my time about it for now and will think about it again when ds is older. It's too much pressure!

I think, if it’s at all possible, children should not be onlies.

I've seen you say that on threads before bertrand, and I find it very strange as a feminist myself that such a prominent feminist MN poster should think that women should give birth to children they don't want for the benefit of their other child.

Op, I'm in the same situation. We'd have more money with one DS, more sleep, more opportunities, I find having a toddler very difficult though I adore him, the list goes on.

I would like another newborn, and I would also like DS to have a sibling. However I don't feel those two reasons alone are sufficient to bring another baby into the world. Newborns grow up. There's no guarantee DS and his hypothetical sibling would get on.

Following this thread with interest - I can totally see the benefits and at the present time have no desire for another baby. My main concern is we have no family close by and my dd is v unlikely to have cousins abs even if she does the closest they'll live is a 4 hour flight away!

We socialise lots and will be more than willing to facilitate play dates etc. Will this be enough though - anyone any exoerience of an only without family around?

Thanks for all the posts!

I met up with my friend the other day who had just had her second and was surprised by my lack of broodiness- I genuinely wasn’t interested and listening to her talk about being back in the baby phase and also juggling a toddler made me relieved to only have 1.

I think if she had some cousins it would make me even more firm in my decision but they aren’t forthcoming any time soon :(

I have been going around in circles over this as it's crunch time for me ( I'm 41) I have been almost certain that we should stick at one for the last three years until New Year's Day when I had a change of heart and even went out and bought pre conception vitamins and decided to sit down and speak to dh... but I haven't yet properly done this and now I'm having second thoughts!

I think it's not an easy decision .. I'm an only and was happy and I might be trying to replicate my own childhood for my ds..

Ds is 5 sociable and happy

But... my biggest fear is regretting my decision for the rest of my life

If you have time to wait.. wait and see how you feel in a couple of years

My Dd only has one, my DGS and is over forty and single and no inclination to have another anyway. He is 15 now but one main advantage especially being single for most of his upbringing is that she is able to leave him alone whilst she goes to work etc but started when he was about 11 just popping to the shops etc. He just entertains himself quite happy and sensibly.
Dd always says she wouldn't have been able to do this even into their teens she would ha e worried about leaving more than one child at home as they do tend to wind each other up, egg each other on or there's potential for fights/arguments to break out.
He still gets plenty of socialisation and has many schoolfriends etc so hasn't really suffered socially and we are an Irish family and so are quite a 'clan' where cousins are more like siblings.

Don’t have to move out of area - getting more important as grandparents get older.

Don’t know how I’d cope working and looking after more kids! As it is I’m already trying to figure out how I can implement an 8 day week (I’ll let you know when I figure it out!).

Imagine all the ferrying across London for play dates, clubs and parties x multiple kids!

Our current place is actually pretty great for retired people - close to amenities, telly nice and safe are, very central, near Doctor/hospital/Dentist/shops etc so I guess it cuts out the middle man when it comes to planning our retirement home.

I think if you have time to wait it's best to give yourself that breather. Me and dh are both in our early thirties so we're just going to try enjoy things as they get easier as ds is only 10 months. We are going to try for a second but we'll do it within next couple of years (or as soon as I feel up to it.) I think I want to stand back and take a minute to appreciate our family of 3 and to start to enjoy ds as he gets older. I'm not ready for the crazy baby phase anytime soon. However I've realised I'm prepared to survive the baby phase to get to the end result. 2 children to me won't be too crazy long term but 3 possibly would so that's certainly a big no!

DS is 4, quite adamant he doesn't want a brother or sister, gets incredibly angry if I even mention it.

I remember shopping with a friend and she wanted to get new tops for her DC but couldn't afford for them both to have new tops, would have been fine for the one. I thought at the time I'd never like to be in that position.

With one I can afford for him to attend private school, clothes whenever he needs and he gets our full attention.

It made it simpler that I am a carrier of two genetic conditions, to guarantee a healthy child I would have to have treatment which isn't available on the nhs. It is a 50/50 chance of any future children having these conditions and fortunately DS doesn't have them. I wouldn't want his current lifestyle being dramatically changed by a disabled sibling, and of course him growing up to have to look after his sibling as an adult when I'm gone.

So, you want another daughter. And you want the sisters to be close and have a fabulous relationship.

What if neither of those things work out?

6 years on i still haven't physically recovered from the birth of our son. He has also been hard work since day one (colic, shocking sleeper, early walker, bolter, hyperactive...). If someone told me to my face that i should have another because dc benefit from siblings, i'd tell them to go fuck themselves.

I have a sibling 2yrs older, we have never got on from day one. I would say 50% of ds' classmates are single children and we all try and meet up in some group or other to let them play etc. We also spend time with his cousins. DH is one of 6 and didn't want a big family of his own.

I'd only have another baby if i wanted another baby, iyswim, not to fulfil some Von Trapp fantasy!

I think personal situation had a lot to do with. Ds has no cousins but I still don't think that extended family is a reason to have a child as they can make friends. It has to be what you and partner both want. As another op said it also depends on your financial circumstance and if you're prepared to sacrifice. Private school is not something I need in my dc life and wouldn't send ds there even though we would afford it once I go back to work. However I can understand if other people feel their dc would miss out if they didn't get the private education or other things. I feel it depends on your own family circumstance and what you class as necessary for your child.

has a lot to do with it rather

And pp

I was torn Op, genuinely. Similar reasons... not particularly keen on baby phase, great career, also very keen on my hobby (which I mostly got back into post birth).
But we did decided on another and now I’m really excited (which is good as I’m sat here 34 weeks pregnant!).
I grew up as one of 3, and honestly my childhood memories are shaped by them. Something that really stands out is whenever we went on holiday, we’d go and make friends together. If I’d been an only I don’t know if I’d have done that, and I’d have clung to my parents.
All my childhood memories are of my bro and sister and hours and hours playing... I don’t recall my parents ever really doing anything (they were shit, but that’s a whole other thread!).
Anyway, long winded way of saying my siblings made my childhood, so that’s what swayed me.
BUT it was a difficult decision and I understand the predicament you’re in, I was there last year.

That sounds like an amazing childhood mogulfield but shame about your parents. I always wanted a third sibling but can't see myself having more than 2 dc at the most. Me and dh are thinking about trying for a second dc when ds is alittle older. If I don't do it I'll be on a thread like this on years to come wondering whether I should have gone for it! Good luck in your pregnancy

in

Fivefootoffun I'm in the same position re cousins and distance. I've always wanted 2 and DH wants just 1 but I've changed my mind after the experience of pregnancy, post birth problems, feeding and caring for a baby. DD is only 3months though so I may change my mind but don't think DH will.

AriadneThread - hopefully someone will come back to us with real life experience. My dd only a year so may well change my mind too but certainly not feeling it at the minute. Had ALWAYS invisaged having 2 (I come from 2 so that's probably why) but now having had my dd really big so sure as a) feel totally satisfied by just her and b) really not sure I fancy the new born stage again whilst having another one to look after. We shall see!

My daughter is an only child, I was diagnosed with a chronic disease very soon after she was born and advised not to have another child. I was okay with that as I only ever wanted one child. Yes I am biased but she has turned out to be a lovely young woman, very sunny nature, selfless and far from spoiled even though there was plenty of focus on her. She is the only grandchild on my side of the family but has a big family network on the other side and three stepbrothers.

Lots of pros listed by other posters. It’s also much easier to travel with one child, not to mention cheaper when they get older. Con, one - some people on MN being sniffy about you having an only child.

Whether you have one child, two dc or more does it matter as long as you're happy? I think happiness is all that counts. If you're happy having one child great (I don't call one child families only child families as there's nothing 'only' about a child.) and don't know why others care. I find those that shout the loudest one way or the other are the ones with regrets.

Reading with interest! Daughter is 17m old, i ADORE her, but, maybe selfishly, i think of how good things are with just her, we can do trips, long haul holidays etc and its fine, could not do that with 2 and things would be a lot tighter, but then i feel guilty of her being alone when we die, I think of all the clothes etc we could re use. I loved the newborn stage, but was very lucky she was such an easy baby, doubt it would happen again and not sure i have the strength to deal with a (potentially) more difficult baby. Torn