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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Is having one child cruel?

96 replies

Lucy90 · 19/08/2014 07:11

Hi all,
Im 22 weeks pregnant with my first child (a little girl) and and my OH are very clear we dont want any more after this one.
When we mentioned this to MIL and SIL they were both taken aback and said it would be very 'cruel' 'unfair' and 'selfish' to just have the one.
Can anyone shed some light as to why having one child would be any of those things?

OP posts:
MaybeProbably · 22/01/2015 09:40

If someone said that to me I would answer by saying that it is less cruel for me to keep my family at a size where I can cope, rather than to drag my wonderful partner through the stress of another difficult pregnancy, followed by postnatal depression, anxiety and insomnia and dragging my lovely DD through all that too, supposedly for her benefit to give her a sibling. Some people can be so insensitive. Quite frankly, going through all that again terrifies me. I'll keep things as they are please!

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/01/2015 09:47

DH and I were both "only". It worked great for me. Less so for DH. We have three kids and are a bit envious of them and their relationships. We also, however, look with a touch of envy at the one-child families with their more exciting holidays, more manageable careers, small cars and general ability to be more mobile and spontaneous.

Anway, of course it's not cruel. And your MIL is the one being selfish - she'd just like more grandchildren (that she won't have to look after and pay for). Take no notice.

Starlight9 · 23/01/2015 09:38

My mother has always told me that having one child is cruel! I have had friends make similar comments also. I am now pregnant again (this was my own choice!) and am worrying more that my 2 year old will have to readjust to having a sibling! Ignore them. Do what will make you happy xxx

inconceivableme · 10/02/2015 08:33

No, it's not. It's often unavoidable too. Infertility, miscarriage and some inconsiderate other people are the real cruel things in my view.

netty7070 · 23/02/2015 13:26

The 'research' done on only children which suggested they were socially maladjusted and self-centred was done in the late 19th century when large families were the norm. Unfortunately the 'findings' were taken very seriously and still pervade many people's attitudes, even though there is masses of modern research to contradict it.

I have 2 sibs and love them, but I can't say that they exactly enhanced my childhood. I have very few memories (if any) of having one-to-one attention from either parent.

GooseyLoosey · 23/02/2015 13:31

I am an only too and have never viewed anything as being wrong with my upbringing.

My mother and I are very close, probably because I was the only one and we did a lot together. I would not swap the relationship I have with her for anything.

I have two and they squabble all of the time. I often think that there would be advantages to only having 1 (although I do love them both).

Hazelnut89 · 23/02/2015 13:43

We've had similar responses to only wanting 1 child! People have been asking when we're having another since our daughter was about 2 weeks old!! Mil has also told me to not let my husband talk me into getting rid of clothes that no longer fit!we both decided a long time ago that we only wanted 1!

ToughMother · 23/02/2015 15:01

Hmmm, 'cruel', and 'selfish' eh?
We have one Daughter aged 7, and although we'd have enjoyed a second chance, we've so far not been able to.
One child, if loved and nurtured will be just as happy as 2/3/4/5 children....if THEY are loved and nurtured.
It sounds like a false distinction, and foolish non empathic judgement alert from those who said this to you. Enjoy being a parent - it's amazing!

Dangermouse1 · 23/02/2015 15:10

Take a look at Lauren sandlers book 'one and only' which cites a lot of research that only children are - wait for it! - pretty much the same as anyone else. Maybe buy MIL a copy for Xmas?

1stBabyQuestions · 05/03/2015 18:17

I have had the same questions asked, my baby was only born 5weeks ago and my OH and I have agreed if we do have more children it will be in many years. I'm 27 and had a delightful pregnancy but horrendous birth, and quite honestly I cannot imagine wanting to experience that again. My dd is beautiful, loved, and happy, how is it cruel to not have anymore? It would be cruel to have them for the sake of having children, and then not being able to financially or emotionally take care of them. Women are very hard on other women- IGNORE IT!!

rachaelmay82 · 06/03/2015 11:03

I am an only child & said I was never having kids, but if I did I would make sure I had more than one as my Mum has health problems which I feel would be easier sometimes if I had siblings to share the load with..
So I had a surprise child, best thing that ever happened to me but I class it as one more than I ever planned and reality means if you want your kid to have a decent life, want to be able to work, afford childcare sometimes it just isn't possible to have more than one.
I know it shouldn't be a purely practical decision but sometimes I think I would love another little one but realistically as a one parent family it just wouldn't be possible but never say never!
I am sure the grass is always greener anyway.

ladymalfoy · 06/03/2015 11:12

I'll speak to you MIL and SIL. Then I'll take you to have your nails done.

squizita · 07/03/2015 10:23

Comments like that make me fume.

I've got a blood condition which makes it hard to carry pregnancy. The drugs which "fix" it aren't recommended for more than 2 pregnancies to term - and even they only give a better chance of success not a guarantee.
Therefore many of us have one child.

Are we cruel? Should we have just got sterilised!?! Angry

FFS only children have been around for all of time. If parents make sure they have plenty of company, it's not cruel and possibly better than a sensitive child being trampled by many bolder siblings ... that can be very lonely indeed.

hiccupgirl · 07/03/2015 18:48

I think whether an only or with siblings, every family has it's own dynamics and things that are good and bad. I fought constantly with my DB as a child (2 yrs between us) and as adults we get on but it's never an easy relationship.

I do have days when I wish DS wasn't an only child but I know I wouldn't be as patient with him if he had a sibling. I also find that the things I worry about because he's an only, my friends with more than one worry about because of the siblings. So I worry DS gets expected to act older than he is because he's an only but my friend worries her DS get expected to act older because he is the oldest!

It's better IMO to stick with one and give them a loving, caring childhood than have more for the sake of not being 'cruel' but then be miserable and stressed out with them. I would be very stressed out and shouty with more than one. Only you can decide if more than one is right for you assuming there are no reasons why you couldn't try for a second.

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 18:53

Ridiculous statement. Tell them you don't appreciate such ridiculous comments.

ParsleyCake · 05/06/2015 22:18

As the eldest of four children I can tell you there are plenty of downsides to having siblings. Yes, if I had been an only I probably would have complained about being lonely and been annoyed with my parents, but children (especially me) always complain about what they don't have, especially if they think they are missing out.

I remember feeling lonely despite having siblings, and it was mainly due to having parents who did not encourage me to mix with other children enough. My closest sibling was four years younger and I saw her as a responsibility or an annoyance rather than a friend - at ages 19 and 23 we are finally approaching something like friendship instead.

The best advice I can give you is to not feel guilty. This is your life, it's your decision whether to burden yourself with multiple children. Other people might criticise but you are the one who will have to live out that reality, not them. In my opinion, it is 'cruel' or 'selfish' to have more children than you can afford, or more children than you will be able to give attention or spend quality time with. Those are the reasons I have decided to only have one.

Also, if your child asks for siblings, tell him/her that you wanted to give all your love and attention to them only. And remember, it's not your child's decision only, it's yours. Make sure they have plenty of playdates with friends and a vibrant social life and they will not truly feel alone in that way.

Additionally, as the eldest of four, I began to feel left out as the years went on and the family grew. The newest baby was always the novelty, and while I still got presents at Christmas etc etc, I feel like my parents began to ignore me more as I grew older. I imagine that if my mother had had less children, we would have had more money to spend on holidays and weekends away (we had absolutely none) and might have been closer as a family. I don't remember feeling jealous at the time, just sad.

I'm having a little boy by C-section on Tuesday and I have vowed to give him all the love and attention he deserves, THROUGHOUT his life and not only while he is small and cute. I can't say for certain that I won't one day give him a sibling, but if I do I personally would want to wait until my first is ten because it would be like having another only, all over again. I don't crave the idea of people carriers and a noisy, chaotic house!

ForEverythingAReason · 07/06/2015 12:15

I'm also one of a large(ish) family and though I love my siblings now I can't say I did when we were growing up. Also think the great relationship we have with each other now is rare among my peers who have siblings. I think it's cruel to have a child when you don't really want one except as a means of entertaining your first DC.

GingerDoodle · 22/06/2015 20:03

We have an only by choice and have also had third comments. I ignore them!!

radha888 · 02/07/2015 15:23

Some people just have no Self-Awareness of what they. I wouldn't let it get to you, remember i'ts your body and your choice to have another child and no! it's not a bad thing if you just want one child.

foxy86 · 03/10/2015 15:41

Having one child is not cruel. Having more children than you can afford to feed and clothe is cruel! If things go wrong in life and i end up with nothing at least i only have to think of one child rather than 3 or 4.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 14/10/2015 20:32

Nothing cruel about it.we currently have one (DD) and I'm flip flopping as to a second. One I can afford happily. And there's also the fact that I am really not very fertile (or maybe it's DH,who knows) and it took us three years to get her.

I have a brother myself. I can honestly say I really don't understand the 'but they need siblings' viewpoint. Our relationship consists of phonecalls every few months,occasional texts,and irregular visits. That is much better than when we were younger and he chased me with a knife after I stabbed him with a fork for destroying my soft toy.

Chchchchangeabout · 14/10/2015 20:42

No.

A sibling might be a great friend and playmate or they might plague someone's life or something in between. No way of telling in advance.

mpops · 04/11/2015 17:48

Why do issues around children bring out the worst in people? Everyone will tell you what they think and present it as a FACT, despite it being an opinion. Especially when it comes to the number of children you're having. I'd say (much like everyone here) that your happiness and what you're comfortable with are your number 1 priorities because they also affect your child. That's how I see it. I do have pangs of guilt from time to time for not having another child - but I've learnt to recognise that they have to do with society's expectations of what a family unit should look like. I'm happy with the way things are and we have a nice life together and flexibility that we all need. Also more time for each other. I value that, it suits us - there isn't one perfect way to do things!

Currently I'm being HOUNDED by the mother of one of my DD's friends, who's got three children, all under 4, to have more. She won't stop going on about it. You're not alone.

PestoSkiissimos · 04/11/2015 17:53

What ridiculous behaviour by your MIL & SIL Shock

Having one DC is perfectly fine, they are idiots!

Hulababy · 04/11/2015 17:58

Of course it isn't cruel,unfair or selfish.
Just like it isn't cruel, unfair or selfish to have any other number of children.

There are pros and cons of any child combinations - be them only child, large families, small age gaps, large age gaps, all boys, mixed, etc.

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