Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is having one child cruel?

96 replies

Lucy90 · 19/08/2014 07:11

Hi all,
Im 22 weeks pregnant with my first child (a little girl) and and my OH are very clear we dont want any more after this one.
When we mentioned this to MIL and SIL they were both taken aback and said it would be very 'cruel' 'unfair' and 'selfish' to just have the one.
Can anyone shed some light as to why having one child would be any of those things?

OP posts:

customercare · 04/11/2015 18:04

Insulting to people with secondary fertility

zoemaguire · 09/11/2015 14:09

Perspective from an only child: I wish I'd had siblings. As a child, because though I had a happy childhood there is only so much time you can spend at friends houses, and inevitably I spent a long time playing on my own. When I see my kids playing together all the day long I feel sad to have missed out on that. As an adult, living through one parents life threatening illness has been incredibly lonely. I'm not misty-eyed about the downsides of having siblings. My mums brother was an arsehole. But 90% of the people I know with siblings get on well enough with them that they certainly wouldn't have wished to be only children. So not cruel, clearly, but since you did ask, given the choice it isn't one I'd make! There is a reason IMO why these comments are so common, ill-considered though they are, and that is because on balance having siblings is something that people value.

Buttons23 · 09/11/2015 14:18

There is no saying they would be close even if you gave your child a sibling. I have a younger brother and sister and me and my sister constantly fought as children. Now my sister and brother are my best friends, we talk and see each other all the time but siblings do have their drawbacks.

I only have the one child and while we are open to another we just can't see a time when it will be possible. Our son has our time, attention and money and a good life being a only child. We do worry about being alone but he has plenty of cousins and friends.

Ignore the comments

aginghippy · 09/11/2015 14:21

Having one child is completely fine. It's up to you and your DP to decide on your family size. Your MIL and SIL don't get a vote.

One-child families are entirely normal, very common and becoming more so. For info, the UK Office of National Statistics says the percentage of families with children in England and Wales who had only one child in the household increased steadily from 42 per cent in 2000 to 46 per cent in 2010. This represents a rise from 3.07 million to 3.55 million families.

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw.

Jw35 · 09/11/2015 14:24

I was sure I didn't want another one. I remember at 37 weeks needed a vitamin k jab I think it was to protect future pregnancies as I'm reuses negative or something (blood group). I remember saying to the nurse there was no way I wanted anymore. Dd is 10 months now and I'm ttc and had a mc 2 months ago. I got broody when she was about 3 months old

It's early days to decide what you want but either way having one child isn't cruel. My eldest was an only child until this one came along when she was 11! However in my experience only children get lonely and need more attention

rumbelina · 09/11/2015 14:45

No. It's not. Ask my lovely happy son!

rumbelina · 09/11/2015 14:55

At 37 weeks a doctor - yes a DOCTOR - said similar to me. I only met her for 10 minutes to sign c-section consent forms and she managed to totally fuck with my head. I hadn't even mentioned it, she brought it up. Her words were "make sure you don't just have one it's horrible for the child".

I was 38 at the time, never thought I'd have a child, anxious, hormonal, and thanking my LUCKY STARS to be having one child, let alone thinking about another.

I always wish I'd reported her for saying that (and I'm not the 'report it' type normally). I can laugh it off easily now but at the time I was such a mess. Luckily some of my closest friends have (older) only children who are among the most sorted, happy children I know and a pleasure to be around, so that balanced out the doctor's stupid, stupid comments.

Do not listen to them OP!

M4blues · 09/11/2015 18:16

Of course it's not cruel. That simply insulting. But I often think that unless you have 2, preferably one of each, then people feel they have a right to comment negatively.

I have 4! 3 boys then a girl. Everyone assumes I kept going for a daughter when in actual fact 4 was always the magic no for us. They make all sorts of (wrong) assumptions including that I'm feckless or that we're in receipt of benefits. It's just the other side of the same judgmental coin.

Don't be swayed. Make the decision based on what you and your partner feel is right for your family.

fakenamefornow · 09/11/2015 18:22

Tell them- Yes OK, you're right, as always, I'll have a few more. How many to you suggest for minimum child cruelty?

hollieberrie · 09/11/2015 18:24

Perspective from the other side. I'm in my 30s, an only child and both my parents have died.

My childhood years were very happy but now I feel desperately alone and have had to sort all their funerals, financial affairs, house, everything by myself. It's been very very hard. I'm sure they never thought this would happen but I would never have just one child in case they too were left like this. If you have a big extended family it might be different, but we were very much a happy unit of 3 & now I'm the only one left. It's heartbreaking.

YellowTulips · 09/11/2015 18:27

It's a stupid comment.

Both myself and DH are only's and even if I say so myself pretty decent people.

Neither of us wish we'd had siblings (especially seeing the fallout some friends have dealt with and MIL's family is a nightmare - a whole thread in itself).

So no it's not cruel at all. Their comments were though....some parents don't have a choice to have more kids due to fertility issues.

It's actually more cruel imho to have more kids than you can afford and give attention to.

Ignore them - your family will be fine.

SparklyTinselTits · 09/11/2015 18:30

My uncle by marriage (mid 60's) has no brothers or sisters. His parents were both from single-child families, so has no cousins either. Now his parents are both dead, he has no blood relatives left I would never want DD to be completely alone when me and DH cop it and I suffer from acute broody-itis

hollieberrie · 09/11/2015 18:34

Yes Sparkly Tinsel. That's exactly the position I'm in too. Thank god for good friends buts it's not the same.

M4blues · 09/11/2015 20:48

Neither DH nor myself were onlies yet we've still, in our 40s, been left with no living blood relatives. Having siblings is no guarantee.

unimaginativename13 · 09/11/2015 21:39

We might of had two. Then giving birth to my first happened.

I had a lot of issues which I don't think I would go through again ( or maybe I won't be able to go through again)

We will be getting a dog next time.

Needaninsight · 09/11/2015 21:43

My mum was a single child. When her parents died (within weeks of each other) she had to sort out everything on her own. No one to help. No one to support. She often talks about how she would have loved some siblings.

I have one sibling. We don't get on particularly but he is there iykwim.

DH has 3 siblings. All total knobs. Don't get on with any of them.

So tbh, having siblings is no guarantee of anything really!

I do think though, as a child, it's nice to have siblings, even if you aren't particularly best mates.

i have 2 kids. TBH some days I wish I had just the one, would be so much bloody easier. So if it's easy parenting you're after, stick with one

Needaninsight · 09/11/2015 21:44

hollie

ICantSpellNoffink · 09/11/2015 21:46

It's absolutely fine to have one child. I have four DC and I'm pleased that I do but I can't see anything wrong with having one child.

zoemaguire · 10/11/2015 12:08

"if it's easy parenting you're after, stick with one"

See, I wonder about this. I genuinely think easiest parenting, after the baby/toddler years, is probably having 2 not one. My oldest two (5 and 7) entertain each other for hours these days. I'm really not a fan of pretend playmobil games, so it's brilliant that they can do that with each other instead of me. Having just one of them around is lovely, but definitely harder work!

What is very clear is that for easiest parenting, definitely don't have three

M4blues · 10/11/2015 12:09

Or 4!

ICantSpellNoffink · 10/11/2015 12:39

I agree, I think have 2 kids would be the simplest ...however, I would need to choose which two to keep and which two to give back.

M4blues · 10/11/2015 13:13

Can I swap them in and out?

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 10/11/2015 13:16

I have only one as a second wasn't medically advisable.
Life is cruel. Or perhaps it would be more cruel for DD to have a sibling but have her mother possibly die in childbirth (this was our situation).

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 10/11/2015 13:17

May I also add that right now I am estranged from my brother due to the shameful way he recently treated my father - having a sibling is not a blanket nirvana. Sometimes it's bloody terrible.

Single children can make friends - family is not the answer to everything.

timelytess · 10/11/2015 13:21

I hope not!
My dd is and only child. She says she didn't want siblings. Her dh is an only child. They have one child, and as dd nearly died in childbirth, they're not planning any more.
They all seem happy. Dgd says brothers and sisters are 'noisy'.
I'd have been happy to have six children (seems like a nice round number) but I just had the one and she's everything to me that six could have been.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread