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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Is having one child cruel?

96 replies

Lucy90 · 19/08/2014 07:11

Hi all,
Im 22 weeks pregnant with my first child (a little girl) and and my OH are very clear we dont want any more after this one.
When we mentioned this to MIL and SIL they were both taken aback and said it would be very 'cruel' 'unfair' and 'selfish' to just have the one.
Can anyone shed some light as to why having one child would be any of those things?

OP posts:

wheelsonabus · 10/11/2015 13:28

Nope. Some might talk to you about 'little emperor syndrome' too, which is also bs. There are positives and negatives to any amount of children you have. But children really just need love and boundaries to flourish. That is all.

Paperblank · 08/12/2015 07:41

I am 27 weeks pregnant with our first and only child. We've made our decision based on our ages (41 & 43) and because we can comfortably afford one child - two would be a bit of a stretch financially. We would need to move house and that would bring additional expense aside from the obvious.

Our child will have cousins who are very close in age, we have a close knit circle of friends and the kids are dying to meet "the new one" and we see a lot of my wider family where again there are lots of children who our child will grow up with.

It was a difficult decision to make, I would have loved to have more children but frankly when nothing is guaranteed one is a blessing.

Mermaid36 · 08/12/2015 07:56

My DH isn't an only child, but there are 11 years between him and his sister (due to fertility issues).
Consequently, they both feel like onlies, as there is way too much of a gap for them to be friends.

It's the same with some of my friends who are the youngest children born after a gap of more than 7 or so years. They are sufficiently removed from their siblings to feel like only children.

Having siblings is no guarantee of having friends/closeness in the family...

Suzietwo · 08/12/2015 08:02

I have three and come from a family of 5. throughout my life some of my closest friends have been only children which I've found odd. They're no more fucked up than me and mine.

Millionprammiles · 08/12/2015 08:35

Only children might long for siblings but its the siblings of their imagination. Constant playmates that always want to play what you want, always let you go first, with whom you have everything in common.

They're not imagining sibling rivalry, parental favouritism, bullying by older siblings etc.

ukgirlatheart · 08/12/2015 11:31

It is the biggest regret of my life.

Had DS when I was 38 so fairly late, DH has 2 older daughters from previous marriage and we all got on like a house on fire and so never really felt the need to go for NO.2 also I always got the impression that DH was happy with his 3 kids plus expense played a big part.

Fast forward 10 years, the daughters are now 19 and 21...have their own lives, hate coming over and it's "boring" plus always ended in argument..so we hardly see them.

Do I regret only having one child - yes, do I wish I hadnt settled for what
my DH wanted Yes.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 31/12/2015 21:26

Hollie - I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm an only too. Never, ever lonely growing up - v happy little family of 3. Now my parents are getting older, both ill and divorced very acrimoniously. Wish I had a sibling now for support.

Have one ds. Would like to have a sibling for him but after a mmc I'm now struggling to conceive again. Some days it really gets me down.

squizita · 22/02/2016 15:13

When we mentioned this to MIL and SIL they were both taken aback and said it would be very 'cruel' 'unfair' and 'selfish' to just have the one.

This really gives me the rage.

What about women who have medical issues, or secondary infertility or split from their partners..? Do Social Services descend on them? Should they terminate their child or give them for adoption... OF COURSE NOT it blatantly obviously is not cruel.

I was a very lonely child in a huge family where scapegoating, favouritism and one-upmanship was encouraged as 'character forming', which was cruel. I was ugly and gentle. It was vile.
Not related in the slightest to family size - and definitely to do with other factors.

squizita · 22/02/2016 15:15

UKGirl you know that biological kids might also never visit and argue with siblings/parents when they do? If anything, worse.
Also, in terms of regret ... you're not talking cruelty to the child, you're talking things not working out for you.

The grass can seem greener but seriously biological cousins and siblings can be every bit like that.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/02/2016 15:17

No absolutely not!

There are many advantages to being or having only children. You do whats right for your family and please don't be guilt tripped.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/02/2016 15:18

Do be prepared thst you might change your mind after your baby is born! I didn't know if I wanted 2 dc but as soon as dd1 was born I knew I wanted another one (not immediately!).

littlejolee · 23/02/2016 16:30

I'm an only child by request! Many times when I was little I was asked if I wanted a sibling and the answer was always a resounding no. I wanted my parents to myself and needed my own space to be alone. I was never lonely and a very happy child so no, not cruel at all if you ask me! :)

Kayl93x · 05/03/2016 16:10

No it's not unfair.. it's your choice entirely. Stuff what anyone else thinks!

SpiritedLondon · 28/04/2016 11:19

Families take all shapes and sizes - particularly nowadays. I'm sure there are pros and cons to all the various combinations of parents to child ratio. Sometimes it's not a choice that people make but is made for them due to circumstances they find themselves in. I have a single friend who has missed the opportunity to have children ( her fiancé left her for another woman ), a friend who keeps having miscarriages and can't get pregnant, a single friend who successfully had IVF on her own, another single friend who adopted 1 child and now is adopting another child on her own....a single friend who adopted a 2 children ( 1 with disabilities). This is what families look like now. Perhaps people should be thankful for us as we are ( not as a mum) our lovely bumps, babies and children and stress less about convention. ( not directed at you OP but to judgemental people everywhere)

ParsleyTheLion1 · 28/04/2016 19:42

Err, I hope not because we are having just one (I would like one more but DH says a meteorite more likely to obliterate the planet than him agreeing to another). Both DH and I are only children. He loved it. I didn't mind it, but I did spend a lot of time between ages of 6 - 11 asking for a sibling. In the end, I saw one wasn't coming so I asked, aged 10, to go to boarding school (I was brought up on Enid Blyton and thought it would be one long midnight feast, interspersed with the odd pillow fight). My parents let me go.

lazyminimoo · 01/05/2016 16:57

Don't think it's cruel but like most ppl i thought that its good to have more then 1 . But my son will be my only child I'm very sure as don't want another hate being a mum at times so no way should i try to make another baby just for son . I know my son could start wishing for sibling one day that might be hard an troubling for me but he has a good life really got his health 2 health parents that love him a place to live has opportunity to get education an will most likely make friends an become independent one day have his own life relationships maybe have kids of his own . Or he could become unhappy ect no relationships ect but his happiness overall is not down to whether he got a sibling it's down to him too his personality as well. Why should he dwell on what he dont have he should hopefully just look at what he has or work toward finding what will make him happy. I don't think being only child will ruin their life it is just one part of the life an if he is lonely well that is life maybe it will be good practice as adult to learn how to cope an how to enjoy alone time . I shouldn't worry about it happiness isn't based on if you have siblings i have a brother but I'm not a very happy adult or very happy child even i get on ok with him but he dosent actually make me happy ya it's nice i got him but i still was unhappy a lot in life an i haven't even wanted to talk to him or see him i can't talk to him even though I'm sure he would listen but he's just another person I my family an were not very close family anyway

Anxiousone30 · 12/07/2016 03:27

I've had the same said to me. I reply ' I would rather not nearly die again thanks.' It usually shuts people up. I would never dream of saying something so unkind to another parent. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

amroc18 · 12/07/2016 04:35

I often wonder the opposite re having siblings for DS. Growing up as an only child can be ace, I loved it. Lots of attention, makes you very comfortable in adult company from a young age, often more opportunities as family time and resource isn't as stretched.

What I'm saying is there are pros to both, and definitely not cruel. Tell them to butt out of your child bearing choices!

Liz09 · 12/07/2016 05:02

I'm an only child and I love it. I've gotten opportunities I wouldn't otherwise have had. There were moments when I was younger that I wished I had a sibling (I was very shy, so when I had to go to holiday care because my mum worked, I found it difficult to make friends - would've been a lot easier if I'd had a sibling), but as a teenager and adult, I'm very contented being an only child. I have a closer relationship with my mother than any of my friends have with theirs.

Rockelburger · 12/07/2016 05:12

We have one miracle baby of 8 weeks. Nearly a decade of trying and 2 lots of IVF mean that she is incredibly special to us.

I go through periods of almost guilt that she will be an only child, though no one makes me feel like this, the family are ecstatic that she is here at all.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for their opinion.

That said three is something to be said for siblings. It takes the pressure off decisions in later life to have a sibling to discuss with, like when you and your husband are old and maybe need to go in a care home.

Twistedsister7 · 08/08/2016 19:10

My husband & I plan to start trying for a baby in 2017 & are certain we only want one. I keep getting told I'll change my mind but I can't see it. I watch my MIL struggle to make sure her children are treated equally (even now they are all 35+) to her own detriment. I want to be able to afford to give my child every experience & I don't think I could do that financially or emotionally if I had more than one. The decision is ultimately the parents & we should be able to make that decision without judgement. FYI we both grew up as 1 of 3 & are both middle children. I know plenty of only children & none have suffered for it, same for siblings. It really is a personal choice & subject to your circumstances.

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