How did you feel when 2nd babies started appearing around you?

[littlelionman]

I have one DS. I had a tough pregnancy, awful birth, and difficult 1st year with PND and a non-sleeping baby. I don't think I can do it again.
Now that DS is almost 2 I'm starting to hear the news that friends and acquaintances are pregnant with number 2. And I feel..odd! Not jealous.. a bit bemused, like I missed something. I can't imagine having the feeling of "let's do it again now". I can't relate at all.
How did others feel?

I was an early one for 2nd as dh is ancient so dd1 was 21 months when dd2 was born. 4 out of my 6 nct class had pretty much the sane age gap, one had a MC so would have had similar gap and the other only ever wanted an only child.

Don't feel pressured though. You will know if and when the time is right for further additions - 3 of the group went on to have #3 and that was never on the cards for us!

OP I could have written your first paragraph

DD is 4 now and DH has finally had the snip. I feel relief that no 2 is officially 'off the table' as it were. I definitely remember feeling a bit odd when friends started having DC2 but settled into it and really just enjoy loving the babies without any of the down side.

For us there were so many reasons against having another, which no doubt we would have overcome if we'd really wanted one - but in our case 3 is the magic number.

Thanks for the replies!
I think I feel like I've just emerged from a baby fog, and am now starting to feel 'normal' again, but I can't imagine how different other peoples first baby experiences must have been for them to be able to go for a second. It reminds me how tough I found it.

I was thrilled for them but for myself. It was around the time my DD reached two that I became incredibly broody!

Totally neutral in my case, really pretty much the same as I had when hearing about pregnancies before I wanted a baby myself. Vaguely "Oh that's nice for them" but it didn't have any connection with my life.

It did sort of 'bring it home' to me that I had made a choice that wasn't the most usual one. But I never felt broody, or that I was missing out.

I feel like I'm broken. That I should be popping out my number two, or at least to be broody for number 2 but the though of returning to that confused, unconfident person again is petrifying.

I have so many excuses but to summise, I am just not in a place where I want to contemplate any more.

I got told last weekend by a child free person that I was cruel for not wanting any more. I told her to have that conversation again when she has a newborn!

I'm with you @littlelionman - I feel excited for my friends/family who are on to #2 but I do feel a bit relieved that I don't have to go through all the difficult early baby days again (including PND). Fortunately DH and I have agreed that one is the right place to stop as after years of trying, we finally conceived naturally while I was on the IVF wait list and I feel so lucky to have my DD that I'm happy to stop here.

I found reading the book 'One and Only' by Lauren Sandler (www.amazon.co.uk/One-Only-Freedom-Having-Child/dp/1451626959) quite useful to back up our decision - according to her research only children turn out fine. And parents of only children too.

Before having DD (4) I wanted 2 or 3 children.

had a difficult birth, little support, DD very demanding baby, didn't sleep.....
I quickly decided DD was going to be an only. People around me are having second children now but I can't imagine having another one. I think anyone who has more than one must be mad!!

Looking back I have no idea why I wanted 2 or 3 children!

I feel the same as muminscotland and mrsmopp.

Enjoy being 3.

Tbh I felt lucky to be alive and well with DS. Never felt the pull to have any more. We definitely enjoy being 3 though delighted for friends when they had number 2 or 3 or 4.

I actually looked at your username to see if I had posted and forgot about it! That describes exactly what I went through in the first yr (plus husband walked out) but I look around at my friends discussing and having more and sort of feel sorry for them tbh!

they all seem so stressed and I wonder why they are so eager or thinking it's what they 'should do' as if having an only child is some terrible act.

My son starts school in August and the thought of going back through all of that would devastate me! I have no jealous feelings whatsoever, more so pity! X

Yes we are surrounded by number twos if you'll pardon the expression!! It just looks like bloody hard work if you ask me!!! I was thrilled to get past the baby stage and Mr Colic and Mrs Stretchmark are no longer welcome in our house! Just can't summon up any enthusiasm for going through it all again - my bank account and my bladder have never recovered from the first time. I thought having a child would shut all the busy bodies up but apparently just having one child ruffles their feathers more than not having any!! Oh well I'm 36 now if I can't be a rebel now, when can I be?!

I also could have written OP's first couple of paragraphs.

What thereslotsoffarmyardanimals put is even closer to how I feel.

Hardly a day goes by without someone asking if I will have a second DC - I even managed to preempt word for word another colleague asking me a couple of weeks ago. I hate it.

I met lots of lovely people in various baby groups and all but 3 families have already had another - half of my NCT group announced second pregnancies within a month of each other when our firsts were 18 months. At that point it felt overwhelmingly like I had failed. I was still in the midst of adjusting to parenthood and only just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now my DD is 3.5 I am enjoying her so much I can't imagine getting myself back into all the awfulness of hard pregnancy, traumatic birth (elcs) and the first year of reflux, constipation (hers not mine!) and sleep deprivation. My DH seems to want another but I don't have that "something missing" feeling - my DD is perfect and I can't imagine changing the dynamics of the family.

This was rather long - think the OP touched a nerve!!

*emcs...

I agree with you beech. Enjoy being a mum.

My feeling is 'rather them than me'. I love DS to bits, but do tend to wonder at the sanity of people who willingly put themselves through the baby stage more than once.

Totally could have written that post op, surrounded by people talking of no 2 and I feel like the outsider who is horrible for not giving my dd a sibling. I am an only and had a fab time, but still makes me think. I feel like there is something wrong with me, but im still dealing with the pnd and frankly, I look at my baby girl and never want to share her, or for her to have to share me. She is my world, I cant imagine another.

Sad but also feeling comforted that I'm not the only one, OP.
I also dread and get pissed off with the question about us having another one - what if we were trying desperately and were unable to?

I feel guilty and a bit sad for not wanting to have another baby but I know why it's not the right or kind thing to do for our family.

We have talked about adopting (probably a 2+ year old) in the future, but for now, I don't feel I have enough time with the child we have and want to really be able to focus on him for a while longer.

I would never adopt if I could have my own. My only way of coping is to know it was my own baby . I would never bond with an adopted one. Not PC but there it is. I sometimes think I would be happier with none at all.

We are 3, Dh, Dd & me :)
Dd is 12 now, pregnancy with her nearly killed both of us so it was out of the question that I would risk it twice, despite the problems by the time she was 18 months there were lots of "when's the next one comin " comments & I felt guilty, upset & annoyed that people couldn't accept our decision. I am now 41 & still get the "you've only got 1" comments from people who don't know what we went through sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not a proper mum.
The guilt was compounded as I'm from a big family so feel guilty about her not having siblings but I would rather live with the guilt than have risked dropping dead.
I don't have a close relationship with any of my siblings so I know that brothers. & sisters do not always stick together & remain friends.
What I do know that my Dd is amazing, very happy, down to earth & loved beyond belief, we are best friends, we have such a close bond I can't imagine ever sharing that with another child. She has never ever missed out on company from other children, I am a childminder & guider & she is fantastic with the little ones & has lots of friends so our house is full of noise & fun but when everyone goes home it's quiet she has her own space which she loves too. so really she has the best of both worlds. So for us 3 is just right.
In a v long winded way what I'm trying to say is having 1 can be hard when they are little but if it's right for you, follow your heart as it can work out beautifully in the end :)

Jealous. Then I feel bad for feeling jealous because I have a couple of friends with fertility problems.

I had a rubbish pregnancy and ds was poorly and in hospital for quite a while (fine now thankfully) and I don't think I can do it again.

Ds was ill because of some meds I was on. I can't not take them so any future pregnancies and babies would probably be the same. Nobody knew that the meds would be a problem. They're the 'pg drug of choice' but not for us. Going into a pregnancy knowing I could cause the baby problems seems very wrong.

If did I couldn't sit at the hospital every day with a new poorly baby because I have ds. It wouldn't be fair on any of them

We'd love another though - desperately.

I am kind of dealing with this too. Had a tricky time with DD's birth and her conception (I have severe endometriosis and was advised children would be impossible, though DD was totally natural to the shock of my Drs!) so we decided fairly early on that we'd "beaten the system" by having her so wouldn't try for a 2nd.

Have been fine with this, but now DD is 4 and due to start school in September I'm wavering..... I think it's because a lot of the Mums at DD's nursery are younger so are on No 2 (or 3. Or 4!) and I do look at their tiny babies and wonder if we're doing the right thing. Also, I'm a sahm - largely by choice but also due to my health so am wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my days when she's out all day, every day!

DD seems happy and secure and very outgoing, and I now wonder how she would react to a potential sibling after it being the 3 of us for so long. Plus we're lucky that, as we only have DD to worry about, we can make decent financial provision for her future whereas with 2 money would be tighter than it is now. Now she's older she loves having adventures with me and DH and is a lot more "portable" than a baby, plus my DM has her once a month so we get a chance to do some grown up things - I'm not sure how that would work with a newborn / baby in the mix.

I think my recent pangs of something are linked with the transition to school and me being 40 and my endometriosis symptoms returning, more than the real heartache of yearning for a baby I had prior to DD's arrival.

It is a tricky one though, as I think it's considered quite controversial still to "only" have one - even my MiL, who knows how hard it was conceiving DD, still goes on about When we have No 2..... Sigh.

Thanks MillyMollyMama, I am planning to adopt my baby! , he WILL be "my own", mine born in my heart!.

As for the OP, I think it's the other man's grass thing.....but stay on your patch!!! (it's a bit easier I reckon)!!

A tad jealous if im honest with myself. Dd is just 4, she was my third pregnancy and very much wanted. H and I were about to ttc but he walked out for ow when dd was 15m old.

My partner now is adamant that he doesn't want any of his own, that he is happy just the 3 of us. I respect his feelings despite my own hopes