How did you feel when 2nd babies started appearing around you?

[littlelionman]

I have one DS. I had a tough pregnancy, awful birth, and difficult 1st year with PND and a non-sleeping baby. I don't think I can do it again.
Now that DS is almost 2 I'm starting to hear the news that friends and acquaintances are pregnant with number 2. And I feel..odd! Not jealous.. a bit bemused, like I missed something. I can't imagine having the feeling of "let's do it again now". I can't relate at all.
How did others feel?

[iheartshoes]

I am sure your DS doesn't think you are a failure. There are all types of happy families in the world what's important is your DS is loved and he has a happy content mum

Are you in a position to say to yourself you will rule it out for now but poss revisit the idea of a second DC in perhaps 5/6 years (if not longer) That's what we have agreed to do and if I am
Having a down day it makes me feel a bit better. I have a couple of lovely friends with larger age gaps between their DC and to me it looks more manageable.

[askingnottasking]

I always knew I wanted a second but ds was a TOUGH baby & looking back I think I may have had pnd. I felt as though I got myself 'back' when he was about a year old, around the same he started to become a TOUGH little toddler! Time went on & the idea of a 2nd was way too scary but then, wham, all of a sudden when he was 2.5 I felt ready. Sadly miscarried (would have been 3yr 5month age gap) but fell pg quickly again with dd who is now almost one (age gap 3yr 9months).

Although I sometimes wish the gap was less, I'm glad I waited until I felt ready, trying to get ph when it didn't feel right would have been a mistake (for me anyway).

Enjoy being a family of 3, deal with your feelings as time goes by - whether they change or not.

[Sazorchard31]

Littlelionman who says more than one child is normal? Do not feel like a failure! Normal is what is right for you and your family, remember that!

[littlelionman]

Thanks for all of the responses. They have been comforting.
Today I found out about a few more pregnancies in the group of Mums I met after LO was born.
For some reason I can't help but feel like an epic failure for not being able or wanting to do what seems so 'normal'.

[sleepdodger]

We have 1
Friends are on 2 &3
I never wanted to go there again
.... But recently I'm looking at rose tinted glasses
It would be a 4 year gap...

[Andcake]

I feel quite sad - I had years of infertility and mc had baby at 40 I'm now 42 - I just always wish it was me but I know I'm going through the menopause already v irregular cycle since stopping bf and due to ds not sleeping well sex is a rare treat.
I would love another but I don't believe it will happen

[iheartshoes]

I feel a mix of happiness for them combined with a bit of "why would you do that to yourself again" combined with a very strange mix of slight inferiority as I personally don't feel I could cope with more than one! Very odd. I really identify with what you said ginzilla I would hate for DD to turn around in ten years and ask why she doesn't have a sibling. Doesn't help that a lot of our reasons are financial and probably a bit selfish - we could afford two but I feel one gives us more opportunity to have the nicer things in life, and what can I say I am very shallow- things like that matter to me. Schools around here are not very good and I would love to be able to send DD private - this would not be an option with two.

[slightlyglitterstained]

I'm on the other side of this - would like another, but DP can't face the stress of going through all those months of pregnancy, birth etc worrying whether baby and I will be okay. DS was a super-easy baby, had straightforward pregnancy, so I can see his point that a difficult pg/baby might break us. But I am 42 so we don't really have time to wait and see.

I don't feel anything except mild pleasure "oh that's nice for them" when I hear another person who was having their first at the same time is pregnant again.

I am not sure yet whether to carry on hoping for a second or start thinking about all the positive points about having an only.

[Blueberry75]

Same position here as OP and others. Difficult birth, unwell DS in hospital for 2 weeks, relentless crying on bringing baby home, still no full night's sleep...DS turned 1 today and I'm still finding it a huge struggle and STILL wondering when it gets easier. As much as I think how wonderful it would be to have another little boy or girl, I just can't go through it all again. When I see others pregnant with their second, I think 'I don't understand why you would put yourself through all that again'. Then again, they probably had totally different experiences to me. But then I think there's a chance the 2nd might be an easy baby! But could I risk it? I don't think so. There are so many practical reasons to have just one. Going back to work, more money, easier holidays, all the little siblings I know fight constantly with each other, less threat to my sanity...! Some couples are just not meant to have more than one child and we're one of them.

[ginzillas]

Hello. I am finding this thread really reassuring and comforting. DH and I are struggling at the moment on whether to try for baby number 2.
In our heart of hearts, we're both happy with our family of three. Our gorgeous little DD brings us so much joy.
But the first two years have not been easy - difficult birth and I had some ishoos after she was born. I was never diagnosed with PND but in hindsight, that's what it was. Thankfully, I had counselling which really helped but I don't ever want to risk feeling like that again.
Also, DD is still not sleeping through the night at 28 months and we are exhausted! Money issues too - we can cope with one, financially, but two might rock the boat.
I feel so sure that one child is enough for us but I start to doubt myself when friends and colleagues announce their second pregnancies. It's not that I want to be pregnant - more that I feel this terrible guilt that their children will be getting siblings and mine won't.
That's the crux of it for me. I don't want to let my daughter down in any way and I'm terrified that she will turn round in five or ten years time and say: 'Mummy, why didn't you give me a brother or sister?' Argh.

[babyruben]

I have just joined mumsnet and feel so much better after reading all your posts. I am actually welling up!
Our son is 3 and I have only really started to enjoy being a mum about 6 months ago.
I had a difficult birth and he cried a lot. I found it all very hard but it was not easy to come out and say it becauseall the mums around me said they loved eve minute.
When our son was 4 months old my husband and I went for dinner for the first time again and we had a conversation about more children. Luckily we were

both very clear that we didn't think we could go through it all again. Our thoughts haven't changed but when i see 2 little brothers together playing in many ways I wish we could have given our son a sibling.
But I can see very clearly how testing it would be for ne and for our marriage so I can accept it quite well now.
You are made to feel the odd one out when you don't want a second child. For me it's more important that
we are happy as we are instead of putting ourselves through another very difficult period.
I heard a parent of an only child say 'we prefer quality over quantity' and thought that was a pretty good way to fill the odd silence after you reply to their question that you will not be having a second.

[olympicsrock]

I could have written your post 8 months ago word for word including pnd and sleepiness nights. When friends announced second pregnancies and struggling to carry a toddler with a bump I felt relieved that I had just the one child to manage. Then my DS started sleeping. Things look very different with 6 months of a full nights sleep . DS is now chatty interesting affectionate potty trained and less exhausting. After a lot of thought We feel prepared to do it again. I never thought I would feel this way.

[Only1scoop]

I feel a sadness that dd will be an only one. She is 4 and I worry about her being alone in the world sometimes....doesn't help with us being ancient parents.

[Runwayqueen]

A tad jealous if im honest with myself. Dd is just 4, she was my third pregnancy and very much wanted. H and I were about to ttc but he walked out for ow when dd was 15m old.

My partner now is adamant that he doesn't want any of his own, that he is happy just the 3 of us. I respect his feelings despite my own hopes

[MyBaby1day]

Thanks MillyMollyMama, I am planning to adopt my baby! , he WILL be "my own", mine born in my heart!.

As for the OP, I think it's the other man's grass thing.....but stay on your patch!!! (it's a bit easier I reckon)!!

[DollyParsnip]

I am kind of dealing with this too. Had a tricky time with DD's birth and her conception (I have severe endometriosis and was advised children would be impossible, though DD was totally natural to the shock of my Drs!) so we decided fairly early on that we'd "beaten the system" by having her so wouldn't try for a 2nd.

Have been fine with this, but now DD is 4 and due to start school in September I'm wavering..... I think it's because a lot of the Mums at DD's nursery are younger so are on No 2 (or 3. Or 4!) and I do look at their tiny babies and wonder if we're doing the right thing. Also, I'm a sahm - largely by choice but also due to my health so am wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my days when she's out all day, every day!

DD seems happy and secure and very outgoing, and I now wonder how she would react to a potential sibling after it being the 3 of us for so long. Plus we're lucky that, as we only have DD to worry about, we can make decent financial provision for her future whereas with 2 money would be tighter than it is now. Now she's older she loves having adventures with me and DH and is a lot more "portable" than a baby, plus my DM has her once a month so we get a chance to do some grown up things - I'm not sure how that would work with a newborn / baby in the mix.

I think my recent pangs of something are linked with the transition to school and me being 40 and my endometriosis symptoms returning, more than the real heartache of yearning for a baby I had prior to DD's arrival.

It is a tricky one though, as I think it's considered quite controversial still to "only" have one - even my MiL, who knows how hard it was conceiving DD, still goes on about When we have No 2..... Sigh.

[BobPatandIgglePiggle]

Jealous. Then I feel bad for feeling jealous because I have a couple of friends with fertility problems.

I had a rubbish pregnancy and ds was poorly and in hospital for quite a while (fine now thankfully) and I don't think I can do it again.

Ds was ill because of some meds I was on. I can't not take them so any future pregnancies and babies would probably be the same. Nobody knew that the meds would be a problem. They're the 'pg drug of choice' but not for us. Going into a pregnancy knowing I could cause the baby problems seems very wrong.

If did I couldn't sit at the hospital every day with a new poorly baby because I have ds. It wouldn't be fair on any of them

We'd love another though - desperately.

[Shortroundnfluffy]

We are 3, Dh, Dd & me :)
Dd is 12 now, pregnancy with her nearly killed both of us so it was out of the question that I would risk it twice, despite the problems by the time she was 18 months there were lots of "when's the next one comin " comments & I felt guilty, upset & annoyed that people couldn't accept our decision. I am now 41 & still get the "you've only got 1" comments from people who don't know what we went through sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not a proper mum.
The guilt was compounded as I'm from a big family so feel guilty about her not having siblings but I would rather live with the guilt than have risked dropping dead.
I don't have a close relationship with any of my siblings so I know that brothers. & sisters do not always stick together & remain friends.
What I do know that my Dd is amazing, very happy, down to earth & loved beyond belief, we are best friends, we have such a close bond I can't imagine ever sharing that with another child. She has never ever missed out on company from other children, I am a childminder & guider & she is fantastic with the little ones & has lots of friends so our house is full of noise & fun but when everyone goes home it's quiet she has her own space which she loves too. so really she has the best of both worlds. So for us 3 is just right.
In a v long winded way what I'm trying to say is having 1 can be hard when they are little but if it's right for you, follow your heart as it can work out beautifully in the end :)

[MillyMollyMama]

I would never adopt if I could have my own. My only way of coping is to know it was my own baby . I would never bond with an adopted one. Not PC but there it is. I sometimes think I would be happier with none at all.

[MissMysticFalls]

Sad but also feeling comforted that I'm not the only one, OP.
I also dread and get pissed off with the question about us having another one - what if we were trying desperately and were unable to?

I feel guilty and a bit sad for not wanting to have another baby but I know why it's not the right or kind thing to do for our family.

We have talked about adopting (probably a 2+ year old) in the future, but for now, I don't feel I have enough time with the child we have and want to really be able to focus on him for a while longer.

[jeanmiguelfangio]

Totally could have written that post op, surrounded by people talking of no 2 and I feel like the outsider who is horrible for not giving my dd a sibling. I am an only and had a fab time, but still makes me think. I feel like there is something wrong with me, but im still dealing with the pnd and frankly, I look at my baby girl and never want to share her, or for her to have to share me. She is my world, I cant imagine another.

[Thumbcat]

My feeling is 'rather them than me'. I love DS to bits, but do tend to wonder at the sanity of people who willingly put themselves through the baby stage more than once.

[Justtoobad]

I agree with you beech. Enjoy being a mum.

[Beachfarmandzootoo]

*emcs...

[Beachfarmandzootoo]

I also could have written OP's first couple of paragraphs.

What thereslotsoffarmyardanimals put is even closer to how I feel.

Hardly a day goes by without someone asking if I will have a second DC - I even managed to preempt word for word another colleague asking me a couple of weeks ago. I hate it.

I met lots of lovely people in various baby groups and all but 3 families have already had another - half of my NCT group announced second pregnancies within a month of each other when our firsts were 18 months. At that point it felt overwhelmingly like I had failed. I was still in the midst of adjusting to parenthood and only just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now my DD is 3.5 I am enjoying her so much I can't imagine getting myself back into all the awfulness of hard pregnancy, traumatic birth (elcs) and the first year of reflux, constipation (hers not mine!) and sleep deprivation. My DH seems to want another but I don't have that "something missing" feeling - my DD is perfect and I can't imagine changing the dynamics of the family.

This was rather long - think the OP touched a nerve!!