How did you feel when 2nd babies started appearing around you?

[littlelionman]

I have one DS. I had a tough pregnancy, awful birth, and difficult 1st year with PND and a non-sleeping baby. I don't think I can do it again.
Now that DS is almost 2 I'm starting to hear the news that friends and acquaintances are pregnant with number 2. And I feel..odd! Not jealous.. a bit bemused, like I missed something. I can't imagine having the feeling of "let's do it again now". I can't relate at all.
How did others feel?

[Only1scoop]

I feel a sadness that dd will be an only one. She is 4 and I worry about her being alone in the world sometimes....doesn't help with us being ancient parents.

[olympicsrock]

I could have written your post 8 months ago word for word including pnd and sleepiness nights. When friends announced second pregnancies and struggling to carry a toddler with a bump I felt relieved that I had just the one child to manage. Then my DS started sleeping. Things look very different with 6 months of a full nights sleep . DS is now chatty interesting affectionate potty trained and less exhausting. After a lot of thought We feel prepared to do it again. I never thought I would feel this way.

[babyruben]

I have just joined mumsnet and feel so much better after reading all your posts. I am actually welling up!
Our son is 3 and I have only really started to enjoy being a mum about 6 months ago.
I had a difficult birth and he cried a lot. I found it all very hard but it was not easy to come out and say it becauseall the mums around me said they loved eve minute.
When our son was 4 months old my husband and I went for dinner for the first time again and we had a conversation about more children. Luckily we were

both very clear that we didn't think we could go through it all again. Our thoughts haven't changed but when i see 2 little brothers together playing in many ways I wish we could have given our son a sibling.
But I can see very clearly how testing it would be for ne and for our marriage so I can accept it quite well now.
You are made to feel the odd one out when you don't want a second child. For me it's more important that
we are happy as we are instead of putting ourselves through another very difficult period.
I heard a parent of an only child say 'we prefer quality over quantity' and thought that was a pretty good way to fill the odd silence after you reply to their question that you will not be having a second.

[ginzillas]

Hello. I am finding this thread really reassuring and comforting. DH and I are struggling at the moment on whether to try for baby number 2.
In our heart of hearts, we're both happy with our family of three. Our gorgeous little DD brings us so much joy.
But the first two years have not been easy - difficult birth and I had some ishoos after she was born. I was never diagnosed with PND but in hindsight, that's what it was. Thankfully, I had counselling which really helped but I don't ever want to risk feeling like that again.
Also, DD is still not sleeping through the night at 28 months and we are exhausted! Money issues too - we can cope with one, financially, but two might rock the boat.
I feel so sure that one child is enough for us but I start to doubt myself when friends and colleagues announce their second pregnancies. It's not that I want to be pregnant - more that I feel this terrible guilt that their children will be getting siblings and mine won't.
That's the crux of it for me. I don't want to let my daughter down in any way and I'm terrified that she will turn round in five or ten years time and say: 'Mummy, why didn't you give me a brother or sister?' Argh.

[Blueberry75]

Same position here as OP and others. Difficult birth, unwell DS in hospital for 2 weeks, relentless crying on bringing baby home, still no full night's sleep...DS turned 1 today and I'm still finding it a huge struggle and STILL wondering when it gets easier. As much as I think how wonderful it would be to have another little boy or girl, I just can't go through it all again. When I see others pregnant with their second, I think 'I don't understand why you would put yourself through all that again'. Then again, they probably had totally different experiences to me. But then I think there's a chance the 2nd might be an easy baby! But could I risk it? I don't think so. There are so many practical reasons to have just one. Going back to work, more money, easier holidays, all the little siblings I know fight constantly with each other, less threat to my sanity...! Some couples are just not meant to have more than one child and we're one of them.

[slightlyglitterstained]

I'm on the other side of this - would like another, but DP can't face the stress of going through all those months of pregnancy, birth etc worrying whether baby and I will be okay. DS was a super-easy baby, had straightforward pregnancy, so I can see his point that a difficult pg/baby might break us. But I am 42 so we don't really have time to wait and see.

I don't feel anything except mild pleasure "oh that's nice for them" when I hear another person who was having their first at the same time is pregnant again.

I am not sure yet whether to carry on hoping for a second or start thinking about all the positive points about having an only.

[iheartshoes]

I feel a mix of happiness for them combined with a bit of "why would you do that to yourself again" combined with a very strange mix of slight inferiority as I personally don't feel I could cope with more than one! Very odd. I really identify with what you said ginzilla I would hate for DD to turn around in ten years and ask why she doesn't have a sibling. Doesn't help that a lot of our reasons are financial and probably a bit selfish - we could afford two but I feel one gives us more opportunity to have the nicer things in life, and what can I say I am very shallow- things like that matter to me. Schools around here are not very good and I would love to be able to send DD private - this would not be an option with two.

[Andcake]

I feel quite sad - I had years of infertility and mc had baby at 40 I'm now 42 - I just always wish it was me but I know I'm going through the menopause already v irregular cycle since stopping bf and due to ds not sleeping well sex is a rare treat.
I would love another but I don't believe it will happen

[sleepdodger]

We have 1
Friends are on 2 &3
I never wanted to go there again
.... But recently I'm looking at rose tinted glasses
It would be a 4 year gap...

[littlelionman]

Thanks for all of the responses. They have been comforting.
Today I found out about a few more pregnancies in the group of Mums I met after LO was born.
For some reason I can't help but feel like an epic failure for not being able or wanting to do what seems so 'normal'.

[Sazorchard31]

Littlelionman who says more than one child is normal? Do not feel like a failure! Normal is what is right for you and your family, remember that!

[askingnottasking]

I always knew I wanted a second but ds was a TOUGH baby & looking back I think I may have had pnd. I felt as though I got myself 'back' when he was about a year old, around the same he started to become a TOUGH little toddler! Time went on & the idea of a 2nd was way too scary but then, wham, all of a sudden when he was 2.5 I felt ready. Sadly miscarried (would have been 3yr 5month age gap) but fell pg quickly again with dd who is now almost one (age gap 3yr 9months).

Although I sometimes wish the gap was less, I'm glad I waited until I felt ready, trying to get ph when it didn't feel right would have been a mistake (for me anyway).

Enjoy being a family of 3, deal with your feelings as time goes by - whether they change or not.

[iheartshoes]

I am sure your DS doesn't think you are a failure. There are all types of happy families in the world what's important is your DS is loved and he has a happy content mum

Are you in a position to say to yourself you will rule it out for now but poss revisit the idea of a second DC in perhaps 5/6 years (if not longer) That's what we have agreed to do and if I am
Having a down day it makes me feel a bit better. I have a couple of lovely friends with larger age gaps between their DC and to me it looks more manageable.