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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Can You Regret Having A Second Child?

24 replies

domoarigato · 09/05/2014 06:57

I read a post where some women were agonising over having a second child. They were worried about how it would change their relationship and how they'd be able to get into another routine with 2 kids (among other things). I have an only at the moment, but I am contemplating this more. My husband is on the side of sticking with one because we found it tough especially in my dc's 1st year. So back to the thread title... be honest. Can anyone slightly regret taking the plunge and having a second child! I'm well aware of the joy it would bring, but what about the stress?

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Whyjustwhyagain · 09/05/2014 07:02

I think it's a very personal choice. For me, having 1 child felt like we were a couple with a baby. It was only once we had our 2nd child that I felt we were a family.
(And only after our 3rd child that I felt our family was complete)

Others will feel the family is complete with 1 child.
How do you feel?

Original poster

domoarigato · 09/05/2014 08:12

I think I feel the same as you. I don't think our family is complete with one child. However my husband is quite against it although I think I could 'convince him' (which I know is a whole different thread!) But I am so so worried about how it will affect us as a couple and how stressful it will be. I know that would only be for a few years, but when you're living it it feels neverending. My husband was a bit depressed at times during my child's first year and I'm worried about that too.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 09/05/2014 08:16

I think it's pointless asking if people regret having x many kids. You're talking about real kids who are here now and treasured as any child is.

I think if your DH had depression with one child you should think very carefully before having another.

Did you discuss the size of your family before having your dc?

OwlCapone · 09/05/2014 08:18

I don't regret my second (or third) as they felt right and my family felt completely after three where it hadn't before. Yes, it was easier with one and would have been a piece of cake to have only one for the last 15 years. However, the positives have outweighed the negatives.

I imagine it would be unusual to regret a planned subsequent child because you bond with them and it's hard to feel you are rejecting your child in any way. However, I imagine that most would admit it's more stressful than having one less child.

OwlCapone · 09/05/2014 08:20

I think if your DH had depression with one child you should think very carefully before having another

I would perhaps change that to say that you should discuss how you are going to cope with that should it happen again. Much the same as you would discuss how to handle a mother who previously had PND. It's not necessarily a reason to rule it out if you watch for it and he is receptive to having "treatment" (whatever that may be, not necessarily ADs etc) to stop it this time round.

CountBapula · 09/05/2014 08:28

We agonised for ages over having DC2. DC1 was a tricky baby, never slept etc and I suffered from PND. We were still struggling a bit 2 years in.

We went for it in the end because both of us had always wanted two. DS2 is six weeks old now and I have to say that having him has been a very healing experience. He's an easy baby, which helps. But also I've been so much more confident this time and I've realised I'm not a rubbish mum - things were just hard first time round. Our family also seems more balanced. I think the relationship with DC1 can be quite intense (especially with our DS1, who is a very intense little chap) and having another kind of alters the dynamic.

Good luck with whatever you decide. A fairly hefty age gap also helps - there's 3.5 years between ours so DS1 is more self-sufficient, and he's at preschool most days so I have plenty of one-to-one time with the baby.

Original poster

domoarigato · 09/05/2014 09:33

CountBapula, thanks. I feel this was a helpful response. A couple of other responses had a bit of a sharp edge to them!

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 09/05/2014 09:34

I had PND myself and it was the worst time of my life. I won't be having any more, the depression is a part of that decision.

I see mothers posting here every day saying how hard they are finding it with x many children plus additional health issues etc. Some are at breaking point.

its obviously unhelpful to say 'why did you have x many kids' after the fact, but surely before the fact is the appropriate time to say look, this might push you to breaking point.

OwlCapone · 09/05/2014 09:36

OK, OP. forget anything I said. Clearly it was unhelpful.

How rude.

MorrisZapp · 09/05/2014 09:47

I thought it was rude too. Also a bit odd to post in one child families if the only response wanted was fill your boots, have another.

Original poster

domoarigato · 09/05/2014 10:00

Maybe you're right. Maybe you've made me realise that I do want 2 kids. I've been looking at many only child forums and although I agree with many reasons to have one child and I know many great only children, I'm not sure it's right for me. I wish it were because it would make life simpler in many ways.

Sorry I wasted your time.

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dandelionsRflowers · 09/05/2014 10:10

I always wanted 2 or 3. We have one dd who's 5. Both not sure if we want any more. I wonder how you know/feel if your family is complete? I don't feel like we are a couple with a child so maybe we are complete?

Original poster

domoarigato · 09/05/2014 10:10

P.s

''.its obviously unhelpful to say 'why did you have x many kids' after the fact, but surely before the fact is the appropriate time to say look, this might push you to breaking point'' ...... this was the point I'm making. Family planning --- I don't want anyone to wish away existing children!

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curiousgeorgie · 09/05/2014 10:14

I only ever wanted one. (Actually, none, but compromised on one ) and found her so easy and amazing that I wanted to have another.

It was really hard the 2nd time. All of it. Getting pregnant was very hard, staying pregnant practically impossible, the pregnancy itself, her birth and the recovery, her sleep, her feeding, her temperament. My relationship with DD1 suffered and she was like a different child for a while. I had PND and it felt very dark and I did wish for a long time that I didn't have her. I told DH over and over for months that it was a mistake.

Shes 10 months now and I can honestly say that I feel differently, but I'm still not quite there with her. I struggle with the relationship we have and how it affects my older DD as well. (Please don't flame me!)

Just wanted to give you that perspective!

ReallyTired · 09/05/2014 10:26

domoarigato
I have a seven year age gap between my two children. I used to go on the only child forum when my son was an only.

I found having a second child was easier than the first. I had some idea of how to look after a baby and what my views were on child rearing. I had severe anxiety with my first child which made me really tired. It is more work having two children, but it was less tiring as I didn't have the same level of anxiety.

curiousgeorgie
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you have support from your GP/ Health visitor.

A thread like this is going to be hard. No one is ever going to admit that they regret having a second child. Its like saying you don't love your child and many people think that a mother who doesn't love her child is a bad mother.

Prehaps you are better asking do you regret having too small an age gap as you might get better responses.

beccajoh · 09/05/2014 10:29

I wasn't sure if I wanted a second but then fell preg accidentally when DD was 9 months old, so decision made really. I don't regret it at all. DS is a delight and DD adores him (he's 4 months).

I had an awful time with DD. Difficult birth (I thought she had died inside me), she was a difficult baby who hardly slept, I had awful PND etc. those were all the reasons I wasn't really sure if I wanted another one. I think if I had had to make a decision whether or not to have another one (as opposed to falling preg accidentally), DS wouldn't have been born. I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. Thankfully he's a pretty easy baby. I think if he'd been like DD was as a baby I might have had a nervous breakdown (no joke).

I don't regret anything at all but it could have been different I suppose. That's just my experience.

Original poster

domoarigato · 09/05/2014 10:35

Curiousgeorgie, that was very brave of you to say. Thanks for your honesty, it has helped me.

OP posts:

Misfitless · 09/05/2014 15:27

I have a friend in RL who regrets having her 2nd child. She loves both her children equally, but she has confided in me that if she had her time again, she would not have a second.

Re the poster who said it would have been really easy only having one for the past 15 years, I'd just like to offer an alternative perspective...

Having one isn't a piece of cake, imho. And it's only if you go on to have more DCs that you can look back and ponder how easy it is/would be with just one; but that's because you're comparing it to having more than one.

If you have an only child and are happy to have an only child, then you perhaps compare you life to how it was before you had a child, and obviously having no children is infinitely easier than having one/two/three whatever number of children.

So, what I'm saying is, if those parents who have more than one DC had stuck at one, it wouldn't necessarily feel like it was easy.

Bedsheets4knickers · 20/05/2014 22:39

I don't regret having my second but I know now I got the timing wrong .

Shortroundnfluffy · 14/06/2014 00:52

Whether we feel a couple with a child, an uncom

meisiemee · 14/06/2014 00:56

We are a family of 3, very happy and grateful x

Shortroundnfluffy · 14/06/2014 01:01

Pants...posting on a mobile late at night, not a good plan!!
Meant to say ...
Everyone is different, there is no right or wrong way for a family to be, some of us had to stick at 1 whether we felt complete or not. My Bf has 2 gorgeous dc but v close together & struggled with routine at first but it all settled down, children are hard work & a joy whether you have 1 or several, do what you feel is best for yourself & your family :)

Fivefootoffun · 13/11/2018 22:28

@domoarigato - just came across this thread and was wondering if your still around and if you ended up having another or sticking with one?

AriadneThread · 29/12/2018 15:32

Judging by forums I have read where People are basically at their wit's end with multiple kids and all the work and stress that brings, I'm sure you can regret it just like you can regret having kids at all. But it's obviously something of a taboo. Personally I haven't got it in me for multiple reasons and if I had another I would definitely regret it.

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