Husband only wants one

[Lovinmaternityleave]

Hi - please can I have your advise?

I'm desperate for another child, but my husband only wants one (we have a girl of 3). He's refusing to budge - and gets quite upset when I try to push it. I'm heartbroken. Feel my child should have, and would love, a sibling. Will i resent my husband forver? Please please help.

I wish I could offer advice or help. We have just one child (18m) but our housing situation is such that there is no room for another. As our child gets older I am thinking that just one child is not enough - two would be a complete family. Not got as far as discussing as I'm not working (so limited income) and DH has previously said 'only one'. :(

I think you need to have a calm conversation with your DH in which (as much as you can) neither of you gets upset and you each say why you feel as you do. However (and I say this every time I post on one of these threads), any decision about another baby ought to be grounded in what you and your DH want - and what works best for your family - not on some vague and possibly rose-tinted view of a small child wanting to have or wanting to be a sibling.

I know a couple that were in your position, he didn't want a second. He was great with first, did nothing for second child he was bullied into, they split by the time the second child was a toddler.

That's the sort of thing I had in mind, olympicrelay, in saying that they need to find a solution that works for the whole family. A situation where one partner is seething and resentful can be toxic. It's very difficult. Perhaps a course of counselling could help?

Certainly lots of mutual deep discussion needs to be had and all the reasons you both have for going ahead or not with another child needs to be aired.

There is no compromise, as with having any child at all, so the decision needs to be very well thought out and come from both you.

But that means he also needs to listen to your wishes too. If he doesn't the resentment will fester, as you will have been put into the position of not having another child by default which is as bad as you pushing him into having one!

If you both really listen and take on board each others POV then you are more likely to reach a mutually acceptable decision.

Hi, I can'a offer any advice but I do sympathise. I was in the same position. I wanted another one, DH didn't. It is hard, but I have started to accept it now. Unfortunately it is one of those things you really can't compromise on. I hope you manage to work it out!

I was also is your position. I found it very upsetting trying to come to terms with it. But I'd never want to have a child that wasn't wanted by both it's parents, well, not deliberately anyway.

I can honestly say that time has made a difference for us. Ds is now 6 and apart from the odd pang of guilt watching him desperately trying to find a place amongst the groups of siblings on holiday, I am okay with it now.

I'm throwing my maternal energy into getting a puppy after the holidays. I figure the first few years will be like having a baby anyway! And ds is beside himself with excitement, he'd take a dog over a baby any day!

I hope you find your way to work it out.

I was also is your position. I found it very upsetting trying to come to terms with it. But I'd never want to have a child that wasn't wanted by both it's parents, well, not deliberately anyway.

I can honestly say that time has made a difference for us. Ds is now 6 and apart from the odd pang of guilt watching him desperately trying to find a place amongst the groups of siblings on holiday, I am okay with it now.

I'm throwing my maternal energy into getting a puppy after the holidays. I figure the first few years will be like having a baby anyway! And ds is beside himself with excitement, he'd take a dog over a baby any day!

I hope you find your way to work it out.

He has to see he can't just blot out your wishes anymore than you should override his. If he can't discuss this properly with you it is hard to see how you won't resent him! There has to be a process, a process of coming to terms with what each other wants, what that will cost the other, and what the one who concedes to the other is giving up in order to support the final decision. He can't just stonewall you - it isn't fair.

It has to be a joint decision not just a fait accompli.

Hope you can sort it out. :)

Have you found out why he wouldn't want another child? Is it because of finances or would it be too hectic for him to live with?

Our baby is 3 months old and my OH has made it clear he just wants one when I would like another in a couple of years time. So I'm sure I'll be on your situation one day as it doesn't seem to be uncommon. Both of my sister in laws are pregnant due 4 weeks apart so I'm happy that my little girl will have two cousins at similar ages to play with in the future.

Maybe when your daughter goes to school he might change his mind. This seems to happen with a lot of men I know!

Best of luck xx

Its a difficult one. I was also in your position, however neither of us wanted children when we met then after I few years I changed my mind. After 2 years discussion and my decision to leave if we remained childless we compromised on one child. For at least the first 3 yrs after her birth I felt it hard to come to terms with not having another but since dh did not want another child I would not risk our happy home trying to force him. (He worships ds btw) Now ds is 5 I am totally happy with one child, time for me, my career and dh etc.. However I think my reason for having another child was due to social pressure and my perceived guilt at not providing a sibling rather than a burning desire to have a baby. Give him time, he may change his mind but personally I decided not to risk our happy family by trying to force my dh to change his mind.

I'm in a very similar position, OP. DH is sure he doesn't want another one, I'm fairly sure I do.

The difference is that neither of us thinks we have the right to ignore the other, and when we do talk about it, DH's reasons for 'not' are more logical and sensible (alongside his emotional reasons) than any of my reasons 'for'.

So, start with the practical:

1. Have you got room, or would you need to move?
2. Can you afford it? Easily? or would it be a stretch? Are your jobs secure?
3. What about the car? Would that have to be changed?
4. How easy/not easy was your first pregnancy and delivery? Bearing in mind you're older now and you'll be looking after a small child as well. If you were laid up in bed for weeks then your DH might have concerns there.
5. What about your existing child? Do they play well, share well, are there any ongoing issues that could be affected.
6. What about any wider family concerns - ailing or elderly parents that might start needing more of your time or DH's time in the next 2 to 3 years.

I'm not saying any of this is the issue, but it's a place to start and it's something you need to do. At the very least, you might find that your DH is worried more about points 1 and 3 than anything else and it might open up the discussion for you.

I'm in the same position although I am not sure if really want another or whether it is social pressure/expectation and my desire to 'do it properly' with another baby having found the first few months really tough with DD (now 2.9). DP says it would destroy him to have another, and he's only half joking! he adores DD, just finds it really demanding and likes peace and quiet and grew up an only himself and found it perfectly fine.
I don't agree that it is an equal decision, if one person doesn't want more it is not for the other to force them into it, and risk destroying the relationship (and ny family) in the process. I remind myself that I am lucky to have found a man I love and to have a wonderful child rather than to think I am 'entitled' it a certain number!
That's just my feeling on it at the moment. It's hard to know if I want another or not when he is so against it, and he's pretty stubborn!

I am in a similar situation.

DS just turned 4. I'm working and love my job - I don't feel like there is anything missing but I am almost certain that I want another child in the future.

DH is certain he wants no more. He says he loves DS & doesn't feel the need for another 1. I've asked him why he doesn't want another & he said he thinks it will ruin what is a great life at the moment.

I would love to offer advice but I am stuck too. x

Have to say its comforting to see others in the same position as myself, though having differing viewpoints, everyone else I know in rl has 2 plus children and their dh's are seemingly happy to go along with whatever the dw wants. As I said I am very happy with dh and ds but do feel my hand was forced, though I would not for one second want to force dh into another if that is not what he wanted.

I wouldn't worry too much about feeling the need to give your first child a sibling, as there is no guarantee that they will love or hate eachother! I agree that communication is the way forward to appreciate each others point of view.

I really want another child too, my llittle girl is 22 months and she would love a sibling. I just want another child so bad but my partner says he hasn't got a permanent job, no money and so on. But he is a builder he will never have a permanent job and we are doing ok with money. I don't think we will ever be wealthy enough if it was up to him!! How can I twist his arm?

We have a DD 7.8 and have discussed whether or not to have another over the years, neither of us felt we wanted to for a long time then a few years ago we decided the time was right, just before we were due to start ttc DH said he didn't feel ready yet so I waited.

I was horrified to be told by more than one person that it was the womens choice and to just get pregnant by 'accident'. I feel strongly that having another child has to be agreed by both parties, we have a happy marriage and I wouldn't want to force him in to it, a child should be wanted by both parents. I'd hate him to resent me or even worse the child.

We have now decided together that we are ready for another and are ttc now. Talk it through calmly and honestly, he may change his mind but he may not. Try to respect his feelings as you want your own to be.

I was in your position for a long time. DH had found parenting difficult (we had one DD) and was adamant we would not have any more. I wanted a second but not enough to risk our marriage. When DD was 7 my desire for a second became overwhelming but DH really was certain. I resigned myself to it but a year later I decided to ask one more time. I explained my need to have another, my concern that after we were gone DD would have no support, DDs children would never have aunties, uncles or cousins. I was prepared, however, for the answer to be no. I firmly believe that you both need to agree on this with absolutely no bullying tactics. Amazingly he agreed to have no 2. DD is now 11 and DS is 2. The pregnancy was tough, DH struggled with it a lot more than I did and first 6 months we actually talked about divorce. Now, DH adores DS (to my amazement!) and we are very happy. I would like another but will never suggest it. You have to talk and talk and talk. PLEASE don't get pregnant 'by accident' - totally wrong way to create a person. If he won't budge, I'm sorry but it is something you have to agree on. If he won't, look at your little one every day and be happy.

Hello, I’m 25 years old and have a 4 year old who starts school in September.
I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and I desperately want another child.
I fell pregnant in December but had a miscarriage, He really does not want another child he has made it clear , it’s really getting him down the thought of it.
I couldn’t imagine being a mum just once , I’ve loved every single moment and it really breaks my heart to think I couldn’t experience having a baby again . A bit lost .

I am struggling with thos too. I have a one year old and and though I am not ready yet another child means so much to me in the future but my husband says no. Lots of comments on these things tell you its unfair for you to bring another baby into the world if Dad doesn’t want one and it could ruin your marriage but tbh the resentment i am feeling is already ruining my marriage. A situation where no compromise can be had is heartbreaking.

I think you have to talk and listen to each other but it ultimately boils down to your choice and the risks associated with it. I'd just like to say I am not condoning or condemning any of these, merely trying to lay them out as simply as possible.

You can choose to stay with one and risk resenting your DH - this risk can be mitigated with counselling and talking about it and even actively focusing on the positives rather than the negatives but it is ultimately a risk that still remains.

You can choose to 'accidentally' get pregnant with another and risk DH resenting you and/or the baby - he may leave as soon as he finds out your pregnant and decide to keep it (which once you are pregnant is your choice - your body your choice), he may stay for a while but resent the additional child he didn't want and eventually leave the marriage, then he may only see DC1 as it's the only one he wanted, he may stay indefinitely but forever resent you/DC2, this could manifest itself in a cold marriage, favouritism towards DC1 ect, he may stay and grow to love the child but then may still resent you for having the child he never wanted even if he still loves it, he may love it immediately and be grateful and change his mind entirely (it does happen). But you have no way of knowing which was it will go or to what extent.

You can choose to make it an ultimatum, either we have another child or I'm leaving (having one on my own or finding someone else to have one with) - the risk is you don't know which he will choose and also you may not find another man who you love/loves you, wants to take on your existing child and have a new one with you. However it does put you in control of the situation re staying or leaving.

I think those are all your choices with most of the risks set out (apologies if I've missed any). There's risks in all situations and you really have to decided which course you want to take, what risks you are willing to accept and possibly how you will go about mitigating these risks.