CMOT, any word about your mum?
Thumb - poor little miniThumb :(
Scout - ohhh, a parcel :):):) You're so lovely. Thank you! Do you still have my address in Canada? I re-read the PM I sent you in my still-foggy-state and then went "duh... Scout is back in England... why would she need my friend's US address... duh..." My brain is back in gear now, you'll all be glad to know.
I'm feeling really down today. DH and I somehow got into a discussion about wills and how when a relative dies, it can bring out the worst in people because those left behind often have a massive sense of entitlement about what the deceased person should have left them, etc. All of which I agree with. But then I started thinking about how my father told my sister and me, about 10-12 years ago, that he wasn't leaving us anything because "we were going to be amply provided for by our mother and stepfather" and he needed to think about his other daughter (my half-sister). Which, on the bare face of it, is true (well, no longer true for my sister but that's a whole different story) and I on the whole agree with, but when I asked him if that meant he was leaving her everything, as in, every last stick and pan, he said yes. I asked if he was even going to leave me/us some kind of a memento (anything, a picture, book, anything) he looked puzzled and said, "no, why, you're going to get all your mother's stuff", and I suddenly felt very sad. I can't explain why. It's ridiculous, really, we don't have much of a relationship, partly because of the distance (Canada ---> Germany) and partly because he didn't really keep in touch after my parents divorced and he went back to Germany when I was 13. For a long time I barely even liked him. Since I've had Jack our relationship has been better, it's still less than stellar but I don't know if it can be changed or if I would want to.
Anyway - it's just such an odd feeling to think that when he eventually dies, I'll have nothing except a few pictures to remind me of him. And that he thinks that's ok.
I was awake a lot of the night thinking about that, and wondering if IWBU, and thinking how massive an effect his leaving had on me.
The thing is that my mother was absolutely right to divorce him, he was a crap husband and a crap father. Never abusive or anything but couldn't remain faithful and spent money like water, and had no patience for his daughters. We should have been sons, you see. I think on the whole I am a better person because he was out of my life from age 13 on, but at the same time, his leaving did massive damage. I am the epitome of the abandoned daughter (there's a book called "Abandoned Daughters" - very illuminating) - like so many other daughters who grew up without a father, I made poor choices in partners, have suffered from low self-esteem and self-worth, have felt all my life that if I wasn't good enough, I would be abandoned again.
It's pretty much a bloody miracle that I'm as functional as I am :o
It made me think about any child growing up without one parent.
Much thinking, little sleeping last night.
Anyway, still feeling sad, can't quite figure out why. Any input would be appreciated.