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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

What lies ahead?

14 replies

LukeyLou · 30/01/2011 20:36

Hi, I'm new around here, and delighted to find a whole topic devoted to one child families!
My ds (22 months) was a much longed-for, long-awaited baby, and will almost certainly be an only. And I'm very content and happy with our little family of three. However, the world of the single child is a complete unknown to me and my dh - we both come from large, close families. Can I ask those of you with older children, or who are only children yourselves, what you have found the biggest challenges to be?

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agnethafaltskog · 30/01/2011 21:32

Hello, Lukey and welcome

I have a DD aged 6 and to be honest I haven't found any challenges with having an only child. DH, DD and I are very close and have a lot of fun together. DD enjoys school, her out of school activities, visiting friends or having them over and she also loves it just being the three of us at home together.

Try not to think that you have to have other children around all the time to "compensate" for lack of siblings because you don't; your DS will - when he's old enough - let you know how much socialising he needs to do and also the three of you will find a lot to do as a family - including just chilling out together.

LaVieEnTechnicolor · 30/01/2011 21:37

I agree with agnetha (great name, by the way). Being an only child isn't a terrible burden for which you have to compensate your child (even assuming you could). Don't get sucked into all those stereotypes which say that if your child is confident/fearless/bold/shy/reserved/nervous it's caused by their only status. Families come in all shapes and configurations so just enjoy the family that you have.

And do come and have some Bolly in the tea room, if you wish.

Original poster

LukeyLou · 31/01/2011 08:13

Thanks both of you - that's so encouraging. Sounds like the biggest challenge is coping with the stereotypes (not so very different to my childless years then!). I'm already coming up against some of that, hence my panic that I don't know what to expect with an only child. But it's quite straightforward really, just let ds be himself and enjoy having him around...

You're tea room looks lovely! Might pop in if I have time later.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 31/01/2011 08:20

This reply has been deleted

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 31/01/2011 08:22

Our DD is a much wanted and loved only. She is a pickle though but that's her nature rather than nurture.
We've already had lots and lots of comments about how she is different to most other onlies and how polite and kind she is. that is just her nature too, although the politeness is probably me and DH's input.
Don't try to anticipate problems, if they do arise talk to your DC about them.
I love having the one, she is adamant she doesn't want a sibling either which is useful.

HSMM · 31/01/2011 08:49

I have an only DD age 11. She prefers to go on holiday with other children, but it fantastic at making friends with new children if she is just with us. We are a really close family and she can converse with us on an equal footing. She has complained over the years about not having a sibling to spend time with, but she is only looking at the plus points of a sibling and not the negatives . I sometimes worry about her not having siblings when we are old and she is dealing with all that 'stuff' (although she might just abandon us). We get her to spend a lot of time with her cousins, so she has 'same generation' people to talk to about family stuff throughout her life.

On balance, we love it and I think/hope she loves it too.

FattyArbuckel · 31/01/2011 09:05

I have a dd who is 11 now. We have had a few challenges, but none related to her being an only child. The challenges we have had have been easier to work through because we have just one child, and can devote all our time and resources to problems if necessary without feeling guilty about siblings losing out on attention because of it. FWIW she has never wanted a sibling.

I have lots of good friends with just one child so its normal for me and this insulates me from the fact that it is atill more usual to have 2 children in wider society.

Families are what you make them more than about how many children you have imo.

Orissiah · 31/01/2011 12:00

I'm an only myself and to be honest I can't remember feeling odd or lonely. My memories of childhood are very happy - I had a good circle of friends, I spent alot of time going out and about during the weekends with my parents, my parents ensured I went to a few "clubs" such as Brownies/Guides and swimming. As an adult I am still not lonely because I still have friends and most importantly (for me) still have my DH and DD.

My parents are aging but I have my friends/DH to support me when the time comes that they are no longer here.

My DD is an only (my and DH's choice) and I will strive to give her the life(style) my parents gifted me.

Orissiah · 31/01/2011 12:02

Also, despite having friends I was very good at entertaining myself for long periods of time and had an excellent imagination and read loads. Perhaps because I couldn't be around my friends all the time and perhaps because I had no siblings - I had to make the most of myself for company :-) I remember playing alone for ages very happily and can still go days not seeing many people and be content with that. A good skill, I think. DD, as an only, is only 2.5yrs but can play for ages on her own.

noddyholder · 31/01/2011 12:05

It really isn't as 'odd' as people think!My ds is nearly 17 and has had a great and full life.he has lots of friends and is always doing something.I know lots of other people with kids, onlies and otherwise and so he has never been alone as such,otoh he is amazing at just entertaining himself and does enjoy his own space which is a bonus.We do a lot as a 3 and we get on well most of the time.Just enjoy the way things are It really is fine Ds is planning to go to uni and he will meet more people there.We generally have various of his friends and ours in the house so have always deliberately cultivated a 'family' atmosphere which has worked for us but is knackering!

Original poster

LukeyLou · 31/01/2011 13:05

Thank you all for your comments / advice / welcomes - some real words of wisdom there!

I think I just got myself into a bit of a panic following a couple of comments made to me last week. One was at our toddlers group where, following a bit of a squabble over possession of a toy between my ds and another child, someone suggested I was going to have a harder time teaching my ds to share as he has no siblings. When I take the time to think about this rationally, I can see what a load of rubbish this is - I can remember so many arguments with my own siblings over not sharing, and sometimes being really resentful of the fact everything had to be split four ways.

The second comment was over my ds's speech. He's quite a late developer in that area, and apparently, if he had siblings, he'd be chattering away in sentences by now. What tosh!

I tend to be an over-thinker anyway, so the two incidents together sent me into a bit of a panic that I don't have a clue what it's like to be an only child. But I'm glad to bear there are so many happy, well adjusted single children out there. What a fantastic bunch of parents you are :)

OP posts:

agnethafaltskog · 31/01/2011 17:10

Thank you, Lukey

You do have to laugh off people stereotyping onlies or challenge their prejudices if you can be bothered - but then they might accuse you of being "sensitive"

Kreecher wrote: "We've already had lots and lots of comments about how she is different to most other onlies and how polite and kind she is"

I know lots of onlies - children and adults - and they are all individuals and many are polite and kind. Does anyone ever say "your child behaves like that because she's the third of three girls in a family of four kids"?

LaVieEnTechnicolor · 31/01/2011 19:40

Hello again.

I do hope that everyone here will come into the tea room if you have the time or inclination.

Just to go back to the stereotypes and comments. It's a long time since I was student ::geriatric mummy emoticon:: but the research at that time indicated that first born children tend to have better early speech than second and subsequent children because they spend proportionately more of their time talking to adults. So the suggestion that Lukey's son's speech would improve if he had a sibling seems to be completely arse about face wrong and being an only may even be helping him here.

::Goes to tea room in search of Bolly::

DontCallMeBaby · 02/02/2011 16:58

Oh blimey, the idea that children with siblings talk earlier is spectacularly loopy! I mean, they'd either have younger siblings, who wouldn't be able to talk when the elder child is only 22 months, or they'd have elder siblings ... perhaps Lukey you should ask these people to clarify who you're supposed to provide an ELDER sibling for your child! :o

Anyway, even then, for every younger child who talks early because they're emulating their elder sibling(s), there's at least one who doesn't bother talking because big bro/sis will do it for them.

People do talk such spectacular shite.

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