hard to settle child - need tips for starting school

[Nelly123]

My 4yo has been at a private nursery 3 days per week since he was 7 months old. We both work full time and live in a different city to our families and have no other support . Since the beginning of September last year he has cried EVERY day and is very upset. He does settle after a 30 mins /hour but it is a very difficult situation for me to cope with (huge guilt). The nursery has agreed to provide a care rather than learning environment and he is mixing with younger children. I think he is bored and could have gone to school a year early imo. He had a place at the nursery attached to the school I hope he will attend in Sept, but I couldn?t find a childminder to look after him for the remainder of the day and so he will need to stay where he is. Any advice on getting him ready for school?

Why have you posted this question on the One Child Family board?

Surely you'd be better off posting it on the genreal parenting board?

You are probably right. IMO he could be this way because he is an only child and wondered how parents of children without siblings managed in this situation. Thanks in advance for any help.

Why are you assuming that this is due to boredom? IMO and experience, children don't normally cry for 30 minutes/hour because they are bored.

How can you be sure?
Have you considered that your son might be unhappy for another reason, and then trying to establish what the cause of his upset is?
I think there is a more pressing issue that needs sorting out before you seek advice and tips for him settling into school.

School is eight months away - deal with his current unhappiness now, you have ages to worry about school.
Have you tried turning up at the nursery unannounced and unexpectedly to see what the atmoshpere is like, and whether your son is happy?
Unless you have investigated and ruled it out my assumption would be that there is a genuine reason for this upset - does he like his key worker? Is he getting enough attention? Is he hyngry? Is he being punished or shouted at? Has his key worker changed?

You need to do everything you can to get to the bottom of this.

My DD1 was an only child for 9 years. Sorry but IMO this is nothing to do with your DS having no siblings - there must be a problem at nursery if this suddenly started happening in September last year. I'm assuming he was happy prior to this?

If your DS was much younger you could maybe think it was separation anxiety but the fact that he has been going to this nursery since he was 7 months old means this just doesn't add up.

Thanks for the advice. I have done as you suggest and have tried numerous things with his key worker - whom he loves. The reason I think he is bored is due to lots of discussion about what could be causing such a drastic change in behaviour. This coincided with most of his friends going to school provision and either leaving or attend nursery party of the day. The staff that look after my child are excellent and it is their opinion that he is bored - I agree. I am very unhappy with the managers/owners;if he receives 15 hours per week early years provision, I have every right to expect a learning environment. I would rather not change to a new nursery at this stage. I have asked to go part time so I can enrol him in the same school he will go to (I hope). If I can't go part time I will leave work. I understand that I feel guilt for working and for not having family around. I grew up with loads of siblings , cousins and grandparents and I do think being isolated has an effect on how well he mixes or adapts to new situations. Maybe this is a self fulling prophesy???? In the meantime I will continue to arrange playdates, even if the other parents think I am a nutter.

typo 'party or the day' instead of part.

typo 'party or the day' instead of part.

Doesn;t nursery have any other 4 yr olds?? there shouldn't be a cut off between care and learning environment at this age. All of every day in an early years setting is both learning AND care in the right environment.

What are your options for starting at school based setting part way through the year or going to a preschool for morning or afternoon session of on his non nursery days.

All of the preschool provision in my town is 3 hours Mon - Fri during term time. There is no flexibility to go part week - on the day I work from home/ my husband is off. This rigid attendance requirement is not helpful for working parents. Most parents have elected to move their kids to a pre school and have arranged other childcare for the rest of the day. I am happy with the care provided and agree there should be a mixture. In this case they cannot/will not recruit a teacher/mentor.

In my experience this sort of thing cannot be linked to being an only child (although I'm sure it's one of those common misconceptions about only children that they're clingy and unsociable!!)

My DS went into both pre school and school (despite being the youngest in his year group and only just 4 when he started) without so much as a backwards glance over his shoulder to see where I was!

The one girl I'll always remember who cried her eyes out day after day for almost the entire reception year when they started school had two older sisters and was 5 about a week after starting school!

There is just no telling how a child will react to starting school. It all depends on the personality and character of the individual child - and quite prossibly the parents too.

I think a lot is to do with his personality and the circumstance we live in. We are a happy family and I should concentrate on that. Thanks for the advice and perspective

Nelly - are there any children's centres near you?
If not, it might even be worth thinking about a children's centre that is in the next town if this wouldn't be too much of a drive for you to manage.
My DD2 aged 3 has just started at a LEA maintained Nursery School which has a children's centre attached and it's brilliant. Priority goes to working parents or parents who are studying/training, and they have a child care facility for parents who are working/shopping/going to the gym (?!) if you need it.

It's also flexible - my daughter does 2 afternoons, which is the minimum but they can do any combination of mornings/afternoons from 2-5 sessions.
The nursery school only caters for DCs from aged three to before they start school so it would be right up your DS street and very age appropriate.
Good luck.

Great idea - thanks misfitless

I went to a children's centre when I was on mat leave. I had thought they were for babies but the little learners sessions look just right. I have checked with 3 - I am on the waiting for one and hope to hear from the other two :)