Is 9am to 6pm five days a week too much for a (nearly) 4 year old? Decision time tonight please help

[choucroutegarnie]

Our son, aged 3 1/2, is meant to start nursery full time in September. Until now he's been at home, though with lots of other kids around so he's very sociable.

We have 2 options: a great (but rather expensive) nursery attached to a primary school, which means 9am-6pm days, or our local (but so-so) school, which means we could afford to have him looked after at home or at a childminder's after school.

I tend to prefer the first one because the teachers are great and the class sizes smaller, but do those things really matter if your kid is exhausted and just wants to go home?

I know it's pathetic because we are lucky to have these options but I'd welcome some advice from someone who's gone down the full-time route.

What was it like? Any advice?

The deadline for admissions is tomorrow morning...

No I am not a Sahm - I'm not even a mum

Fathers are parents too you know, I work 3 days a week, dw works 2, we share childcare, housework and work outside the home. I realise I am lucky to be able to do this and spend valuable time with my children but we have also had to sacrifice many material things to achieve this.

A dad!

Are you working full time or spending time at home with DC? Is it the mother who is spending all the time at home with DC. I'd just like to understand a bit more so I can maybe try to see where you come up with the theory that me and others like me are deluded and should feel guilty.

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Sounds like a nice arrangement - great if we all could be that lucky.

This sounds like an ideal situation.

I still have a problem with your judgements on children in nurseries though.

Purlease, feeling guilty is pretty much a waste of time, if you are happy with your choices then good. I still maintain it is not in the best interest of a child to spend 9 hours in a nursery. A school day is only 6 hours and this is long enough for older children. I do not expect to change anyones opinion but think you are deluded if you feel nursery staff are better at caring for children than parents.

That's great imaparenttoo. Very happy for you as it obviously works for you. However, don't assume that different set-ups cannot work for others. And I always fall asleep when people start talking about what they are sacrificing".
Would you like to specify what you are sacrificing exactly? Not paying the electricity bill? Your mortgage?

My DS, 16 months, has been going to day nursery 3 days per week since 10 months, recently moving to a nursery that was more convenient (walking distance from our house so he hasn't got a commute to deal with).

I would say that although I really would prefer to be a SAHM there are many reasons why I am part-time instead. One is the fact that staying on maternity leave till 10 months but us still paying 1k/month for the mortgage (fixed term) for the whole time, plus other outgoings. So it wasn't just that we couldn't afford to live on one income, more that having done so for a good 7 months we were going broke!

Luckily for us DS has a very sociable, 'chilled-out' and extrovert personality and has taken it all in his stride. It might be different for some children, but he is smiley and happy on arriving and is happy still when I pick him up. It IS a long day (8-5:15 approx) but as others have said it is not like working all day. The children are in a carpetted, homely environment with a comfortable cot of their own to sleep in and lots of 'down time'. I don't think DS is any more tired at bedtime on a nursery day than on my days off/weekend.

I am extremely upset at being apart from him for 3 days a week, but luckily for me I genuinely think he is fine with it.

HTH

To the OP. Lots of settling sessions and (if you can) some shorter days to begin with should make it easier for him (and you!)

Good nurseries are a home from home and I agree with those who have said that it will be easier for your DS to have a stable full-time nursery environment than a succession of P/T nannies taking him home for the afternoon. If you can find a P/T nanny who will be around long enough for him to build a relationship then that may be another option. Otherwise he will be better at nursery with the regular staff.

My two younger DSs go to nursery F/T but I own and work in the nursery so they are with me for a lot of the day.

A full day at nursery doesn't compare with a full day at work for an adult. Children have rests and downtime throughout the day and most of ours don't want to leave at the end of it.

I wonder how most people would feel about a child left with a relative for a full week? Would that be better? Still away from mum/dad but is it the 'paid carer' part that bothers?

I think its funny how some people seem to accept parents who use FT nursery only if they admit they rather be sahms or that it isn' the ideal situation. If you say yes my child is happy, then you are really delluded.

Its the same as the "Its fine if you have to go out to work for financial reasons, but not if you go out to work if you (whisper enjoy it). As if your child cares about your motivation at all

(hey - where is blueshoes?)

In a lot of Scandinavian countries f/t nursery is the norm, state funded but paid for by much higher taxes.

I wonder if there is this debate there?

Bubble, no there isn't. Or rather, when I tell my Swedish mother about the debate here, she says they had this debate in Sweden in the 70s.

And their system seems to be working well.

Improving quality of care in the UK is worth discussing. Less emphasis on education and more on care for sure, IMO.

We have lots of German parents at our nursery who don't want any pressure put on their children. The govt has just announced that it preparing an opt-out clause for nurseries that don't want to go with the 'early learning goals' and we will be looking closely at it.

Three of us took some babies to the local duckpond today and I had to write our 'objectives'.

Quite simply if money was no object and careers were sustainable for a couple fo years would anyone really put their children into nursery for full days or most of the week? Probably not, however for some this is a reality that means the loss of a lifestyle or home or career so it's helpful to work within these limitations when discussing childcare.
I think most people are happy with their choices and are way to defensive to really tell the truth on a thread where opposing viewpoints lie, now that someone has spouted that it's not best for kids to go to nursery nobody iscoming up with pro and cons just what a wonderful choice they made. perhaps the OP would benefit from a true explanation of nanny verses nursery, splitting the two etc.
IMO interview some nannies and visit some nurseries and I think something will just reveal itself to be the best option.

Bubble, your waiting lists will extend even further if you do
Ds' old nursery was run by a Dutch national who had her own strong views on education for the under fives. It was all play-centred and a truly wonderful place. Ds flourished there and it was a great shame that a change in circumstances meant dd could not go there too

Fairymum, we are sacrificing:
two cars:we can now only afford one
alcohol: we never buy it to drink at home
weekly night out: we can now only afford this once a month and pay a babysitter
foreign holidays: we holiday one week a year in a caravan (UK)
cigarettes: we have both given up smoking
luxury groceries: we have to budget to £70/week for four of us, including petrol
home improvements: these are all on hold until are children are of school age and at least one of us can work part-time.
For all these sacrifices we are gaining something that money cannot buy - time with our children,creating memories and a family life free from stress and guilt.

our children, not are children

work fulltime not part-time, sorry

And you honestly think that all full-time workers with two household incomes can afford eg two cars? Dh and I both work in higher education and run one carefully tended old banger. Once a month night out with a babysitter booked? Lovely, wish we could afford that. Thank god for LoveFilm.
Please don't think that parents who both WOTH are callously doing it to fund a Prada lifestyle or a fast-track to world capitalist domination at the expense of their child's wellbeing.
You continue to make the facile assumption that anyone using daycare full-time thinks it is BETTER than looking after their own child. IMO everyone on this thread speaking from real first-hand experience has used considerable ingenuity and resourcefulness to locate care that is GOOD ENOUGH for them to feel sure that their children are contented and well looked-after by trustworthy, likeable professionals while they are obliged to be at work.
So we don't need trite and poorly reasoned cut-and-pastes from the Daily Mail "forums", thanks.

Two working parents on average salaries would struggle to afford a lot on your 'sacrifice' list in this part of (very expensive) London.

Then maybe you need to relocate - that's something else we did before having children - we moved out of London. It's all a case of priorities, my number one is spending as much time with family as possible. We're also not alone, friends of ours relocated to the Scottish Highlands for the same reason. Also two working parents on average salaries should not be forking out a fortune on fulltime daycare. Some people on here are very defensive of what are percieved of middle class values, I make no apologies for mine and no I do not read the DM.