Nursery concerned that my boy (age 3) doesn’t play with anyone.

[anniz91]

my son age (3) started nursery at the start of this month. He has never been without me and for my standards he is doing really well. However, nursery has stated that he doesn’t play with other children and doesn’t want to take part in any of the activities. He likes to be around the adults more and staff are not liking this since he doesn’t want to play independently with other children. He plays at home fine but just wants my company. Nursery mentioned increasing his time there from 8-4 but I think that’s too much. My son doesn’t have any siblings yet so is the only child at home.

I don’t think this is a surprise given what you’ve said and I find this very common in only children with interested adults (which is a good thing!) At home I’d encourage him to play for longer without input from you e.g. Mummy needs to cook now so I need you to play for 5 minutes. Have a timer if needed. At the park would he interact with others or show interest or is he focused on showing you/talking to you? I’d try and pull back a little so if he said look at this then look at this etc you could praise him but say now it’s your turn to play with the other confirm, I’ll watch you but I’m just talking to this other Mum.

It’s a fine balance. It’s children not needing to be talking or seeking adult interaction repeatedly at the expense doing that with peers.

Maybe ask him who he’s played with and say how excited you’d be to hear who he plays with tomorrow. If he talks a lot about the adults listen but then gently redirect his focus to the children.

Did you take him to toddler groups, do you meet up with friends with children?

@sparrowhawkherethanks! I knew it was normal, but she’s made it out to be such a concern like was implying to autism etc. thanks for the suggestions I do think I need to try and step back a little.

My son was the same, even now at school he loves to get the adults attention. It took him a while to learn to play with others and join in, fortunately the pre school he attended was very understanding of this!

I would encourage you to see if you can arrange some play dates.
this is normal given the circumstances but I do think you should encourage him to play with children (without your input). He’ll learn a lot about sharing, different ways of managing conflict and get new information and ideas.
I think it’s great nursery have flagged this! I wouldn’t take it that they don’t want to engage with him. It’s likely that they have noticed his inability to play with his peers. In the long run that’s a problem.

@Edictfromno10is there anything you did to improve his ability to play with others?

Is he just doing one day a week there?

Does he parallel play at nursery? Has he had much experience of other children?

@2026willbebetterHe doesn’t want to play at all just wants hang around staff. He does sometimes parallel play but looses interest quickly. Not much experience with other children.

Is he only doing one day a week? Do you need those hours for childcare?

I read him some books about how to make friends. But to be honest it was just a matter of him settling and getting use to the setting. His language was also more advanced than his peers at that age so I think he found that frustrating whereas he could talk more to the adults.

My son was the same, he had only ever been with me or his dad then preschool at 3 he only wanted to me around the teachers. School were fantastic and put him in a smaller group of quieter kids to increase his confidence. Worked brilliantly and now he’ll talk/play with everyone.

What has his routine been before starting nursery @anniz91

@Edictfromno10yes he is exactly the same! He talks like an adult, and expresses himself very clearly.

I would take him to some toddler groups when he isn't at nursery to get him used to being around other children.

@LovelyBitOfSquirrrelcan I ask how many hours he did? My son currently goes everyday but it’s shorter sessions e.g 8-1pm not sure if longer time there will help.

He did 15, he now does 27 I go more hours due to working again. Even within the 15 he started thriving it just took some time. I found encouraging him to play with the kids in the school line in the morning helped as I was there.

Yeah we had this, I used to see him attempting to chat to other children but then giving up as they either didn't respond or couldn't talk back in the same way. Things definitely improved once his peers caught up and now at school it's much better as they can all hold conversations. But at 3 he much preferred the similar conversation of an adult.

My daughter was the same. She’s now 26 and a real social butterfly, who’s got loads of friends and is out almost every night. She didn’t have many friends at school until the sixth form, so is making up for it now.

They may be looking to highlight to you that they have a concern regarding autism. One of the characteristics of this is social/communicative difficulties meaning that autistic children often have differences in play- they may parallel play but not play with others as other children do. Autistic children also prefer to spend time with adults because they are more predictable and they can ‘understand’ their behaviour better. However, 3 is very young and it may well be that autism is not the issue, he may be shy and just need more experience of mixing with other children.

Did you take him to church group ls or playgroups pre nursery?
Did you not hang out with out mums with similar aged kids?
If not, I would start so school is easier for him.

It might be something he grows out of and it might be a sign of autism. Bear in mind they will have worked with 100s of children and are constantly told to look out for signs of a child needing help.
They are suggesting he spend more time with children to see if it's because he's used to adults or if je's struggling to interact with peers.
Neither one is a huge issue and they can help him either way.
I'd be glad they are trying to help and support rather than being dismissive.

I would be listening to them and booking longer sessions
On days not there I would be at groups.

If they have concerns after such short sessions you need to listen and accept early intervention support and advice.

He's only been there a month, he still needs time to settle in. There's lots of good ideas of how you can support him with friendships, and nursery can too. I think upping his hours could be counterproductive though. At the moment he still gets afternoons to hang out chatting with you in his 'safe space'. 5 hours at nursery in the morning is plenty of time to practise playing with children and be a little bit out of his comfort zone.

Editing to add: my DCs did 3 hours per day (15 per week) at nursery from 3.5-4.5, when they started Reception. Children get more attention from good quality 1:1 time with a parent than nursery can offer. If your work set-up allows half days, I think that can work best for some children, particularly those that enjoy some down time in their own space being busy at nursery.

I don't think longer hours would make much difference. He will get used to other children and there doesn't seem much point in rushing it. I doubt it is a language thing. It is probably just a bit of a shock to the system. Children this age aren't polite or patient like adults, they will react in different ways. They will grab toys, shove and give negative responses without worrying about his feelings. He will gradually discover that they can also be a lot more fun than adults. It will be good for him in the long run but he is bound to feel a bit sensitive to start with.

I have always been to a lot of groups with my children but in no way do they replicate a nursery environment. They are for 0-5 on paper but most children there are two and under and the children play close to their parents or caregivers, there isn’t much interaction between them.

I guess it’s a way of getting them used to a busy environment with other children but it isn’t like nursery at all.

@anniz91 my friends DD had similar. She’d always been cared for by my friend or her dad so when she started full time nursery at three it was a shock and the nursery flagged her for autism straightaway which I still feel was a bit premature. She may or may not be but I think she’d have struggled regardless. I’d keep your DS on the hours he’s on and just see how he gets on, three is still very young after all.