Nursery concerned that my boy (age 3) doesn’t play with anyone.

[anniz91]

my son age (3) started nursery at the start of this month. He has never been without me and for my standards he is doing really well. However, nursery has stated that he doesn’t play with other children and doesn’t want to take part in any of the activities. He likes to be around the adults more and staff are not liking this since he doesn’t want to play independently with other children. He plays at home fine but just wants my company. Nursery mentioned increasing his time there from 8-4 but I think that’s too much. My son doesn’t have any siblings yet so is the only child at home.

I was a nursery teacher for many years and I would have flagged this up to you too.

It’s not just that he’s not playing with others, you say he isn’t playing much at all - so no parallel or independent play. I wouldn’t be surprised by a child not playing WITH others but one who didn’t play much at all would stand out.

You also say ‘doesn’t want to join in with the activities’ - does that include the adult led activities eg carpet time, story time, adult led games etc?

I absolutely wouldn’t be leaping to any diagnosis or assumptions about neuro diversity, but depending on what else they are seeing I wouldn’t be ruling it out either. It could just be that he’s not settling, feeling insecure, wants the reassurance of being near and adult, isn’t too sure what to do with himself there yet.

I’d try and have a call or a meeting and ask them what their suggestions are other than extending his hours, as that’s not going to work for you just now. Ask them what specifically they are doing to help him settle and integrate more, and how you can support this at home.

I’d definitely look at some other opportunities for socialising with other children outside of school, but also building up his independent play too. My daughter is, and always has been, very sociable but she’s also an only child and we’ve really had to work on encouraging her independent play recently. She’s 5.5 now and I realise we didn’t do enough of it earlier.

@Letsorderpizza its very premature to label him! That’s what I don’t understand. For my standards he’s been doing really well. I don’t want to increase the hours yet as it’s a lot longer 8-4pm think that might be too much for him to handle.

Do the staff know he hasn’t been to childcare before and hasn’t spent much time around other kids? It will help their expectations if they know this because I think it’s relatively unusual- by 3 most kids will usually have had some combination of nursery, siblings, regular meet ups with friends (e.g. your NCT group), weekly activities and playgroups etc.

To help him I’d also think about doing some activity groups outside of nursery, sports ones can be good and encouraging more independent play at home. Maybe see if nursery have any ideas too, other than upping his hours.

Hopefully he’ll get there, it just sounds like a big change for him.

What are your standards though because peer interaction is a crucial part of development particularly social and emotional and at the moment he is clearly unsure as to what to do.

Yes it is too soon to label it isn’t too soon to try and do something - I have teens and although the interactions with me still are strong their peer groups are absolutely vital to their emotional and mental wellbeing

do you take him to groups to the park encourage interaction with other children?

@AliasGrapetrying to increase independent play.

At home does he ever play independently or is it always with an adult involved? I'm a childminder and can always tell which children are used to constant adult interaction! They present exactly like you say and I think learning to play without them having to show/involve an adult in everything they do is an important skill.
I would suggest as a pp said. Obviously don't completely stop playing with your child but encourage them to play alone for longer periods. Eg, mummy is doing this now, I will play when I've finished.

@Fillyourdreamshe does like to play with adults but I’m trying to encourage him to play on his own. He just goes into meltdowns.

Does he have any behaviours that you have concerns about.

They are some behaviours that could flag - how intense are the meltdowns?

Or it could be learned behaviour and that socialisation, maturing and being made to play by himself he will grow out of it

either way I think you should look into how to help him

My almost 3 year old doesn’t like playing with other kids. He has a 4 year old sibling too (who rarely did the activities at preschool, he wasn’t interested and they didn’t force him). We do groups, play dates and sometimes I play with them (not always!) but he would still rather play away from the other kids.

Your child has only been there a month! That’s such a small amount of time for some kids to adjust. Sounds like they want him around the other kids to occupy him, when actually they need him to not ask the staff for so much attention and he might be quite fine playing and doing his own thing. I’d think sending him for longer will just make him crave more adult support anyway, when he’s not got used to the change yet. I may be wrong on that of course!

Teach a bit of independent play (pp made good suggestions) and then he will find his feet.

It's early days but they are just flagging up behaviour that is a little unusual compared to his peers.

I wouldn't necessarily increase his hours if he's going every day, 8-1 is a good stretch. Maybe ask the nursery to give it 6 weeks of encouraging him to interact more and then have a follow up meeting.

My ds (who is now 3 1/2) was exactly like this at first at nursery. He only went one day a week, and he wouldn’t play with the other children at all, despite playing with older siblings at home. He just wanted to bag around the grown ups and not do anything. I think one huge factor was he has always been extremely advanced especially with speaking for his age and so he found it weird that the other children couldn't have a full conversation on his level. (I don’t mean that in a condescending way at all- dc1 wasn’t as advanced, children all develop at different rates, and we haven’t parented dc3 any differently)
He has just started to play with 2 children in the last month or so, so we were relieved, they all say they’re best friends with each other now so that’s a great development!

Going only one day a week is hard for young DC, as they have to settle in each week

Isn't he going every day?

Sounds like my friend's son: extremely bright kid. She has dealt with it in a smart way focussing more ok social relationships for him than academics (which he excelled in any way). He's a good friend of my DS12- sometimes my son just has to remind him that some things that he says are hurtful. He's so honest but he absolutely doesn't want to hurt anyone- a sweet intelligent kid. Embrace your DS difference @anniz91 and just work with him on the social stuff.

My nephew was the same. Preferred adult company. He’s now 12 and has loads of friends. But he’s still a quieter, more thoughtful child than many.

@sittingonabeach he is going everyday 8-1pm

My son was the same, I was always so worried about his social skills and friendships. He is born in May and so I decided to start him at school age 5 rather than age 4. This is an option for all children born April- August, you can apply for them to start in reception, they don’t have to skip a year later or go straight into y1. The extra year in preschool really allowed him to flourish and I have no concerns about friendships any more. Sharing in case this might be relevant to your situation.

@TheBlueKoala they were saying he is expressing himself well for his age. I haven’t seen the other kids speak so don’t know whether he is just finding it difficult to communicate with them on the same level. He’s always been an amazing early talker though.

@namechange272727he is supposed to start pre-school in September he’ll be 3 but will turn 4 in January. Did your son change at all how long did it take him to settle in and play?

@anniz91 how much time has he had with other DC eg toddler group before now?

@sittingonabeachwe’ve been going to a library group once a week but that’s obviously with me present before going to nursery. He’s always been quite shy and clingy to me when I went with him.

He sounds precocious? Being able to make friends and play independently are really important skills for 3/4 year old children, so this would worry me.

You don’t seem worried about this? Your worry seems to be that staff are implying some neurodivergence.

You need to encourage independent play and peer friendships, have you got any friends or family with similar aged children?

@anniz91 My DS started nursery at 3 too. Only child. No other children in the family at all. Very little family around us. And to be honest, I don’t really have any friends for meet ups 😬

He was extremely attached to me. He was a lockdown baby so for his first 16-18months we didn’t have any baby groups running in our area. After that he was looked after by the 1 family member we have close by while I was at work. On my days off I’d take him to library/park/toddler groups just to have any form of interaction with other kids.

Nursery was horrendous for us at the beginning. He screamed the place down at drops offs but was fine as soon as I was out of sight. They flagged that he wasn’t interested in playing or interacting with the other children but that they understood he didn’t spend large chunks of time with peers. He would just walk round the room at nursery watching what everyone else was doing and chatting to the staff but not joining in with toys etc unless there was an adult present.

His key workers were amazing trying to work out different strategies to help him. They quickly found that he was able to play independently- the issue he was having was being quite overwhelmed with the number of toys and activities on offer.
They used to welcome him in the morning and one would take him round and point out maybe 3 activities that were laid out and put it to him to decide which one he wanted to try first. They’d then get him started on that while they went to do a job. They’d do this at various points throughout the day when he was looking a bit lost. At first, he’d leave an activity soon after another kid joined in, but gradually he started happily playing alongside them. Then interacting. And when he found his comfort with that it was like a switch just flicked and he was a whole different kid - happily initiating play and seeking specific peers out to play. I’d say he took about 8 weeks to start showing any significant improvements and 3-4 months before he was happily interacting.

I will also add though - on his non-nursery days I had him at various groups and classes etc every single day to encourage interaction. Library, toddler groups, local park, soft play, swimming, gymnastics, football etc.

It’s a good thing that they have flagged this as a concern. Whether it be that he’s just very shy and lacking in some social skills, or that he’s showing some traits of neurodivergence, it means you have an opportunity to work with them to help him.

If he's only been there a month I think it is too early to judge his behaviour in this way.

For the first 5 months my eldest just went to the same toy each morning when I dropped him off and played quietly by himself until he felt settled enough to explore the room. Sometimes this was ten minutes, sometimes half an hour. There are lots of new faces to learn and I expect many of the children are not immediately understandable in their speech so he's just getting the lay of the land.

I'd give it to around month 3 before changing anything specifically in relation to his play with others.