To be upset DD goes to Nursery rather than Grandparents

[humble12]

Jusy that really.
We have a DD who is now 21 months and started nursery at 11 months 2 weeks for 2 full days. DH and I both work in hospital based jobs. DH husband passed away, My mum still works and financially wants to continue. We also live in a different city. So our DD ended up going to nursery.
My sister has also had a DD now who is 9 months and she is now going to work. But her husbands parents are retired and will be doing childcare.

I feel sad my DD has to go through nursery, get the coughs and cold. has gotten a small molluscum spot whicH I feel she probably for it from there. Got scratched once at nursery. Feel like my poor baby couldn’t get as good childcare as her cousin.

Been feeling incredibly guilty and crying. Anybody as ever had any similar experience?

She’s nearly two. She gets painting and messy play, massss of toys and friends, and lots of care from nursery. Grandparents often don’t do painting and messy play, or all the outdoor play they do at my kids nursery. It sounds like she’s home with you 3 days a week- respectfully, this is a non issue. 2 days a week of being with other children is mostly good for 2yos. My 2yo has a best friend who comes and takes her hand when she arrives, and she can’t wait to proudly show me what she’s made at nursery.

OP I think you need to take yourself in hand

There is nothing intrinsically better about grandparent care over nursery care. They both have their plus points, and either is fine.

Now go and get some sleep

Thank you, you’re right it definitely has its pros which I should look at more.
i guess i just feel guilty DD didn’t get the chance to stay at home with grandparents

hahah thank you 🤣🤣 you’re definitely right about going to sleep

Guilt really is a wasted emotion, especially in this situation where it sounds like you had no other realistic option than to put her in nursery. Your choices sound like they weren't between nursery and grandparents, they were between nursery and leaving DD at home to fend for herself so I think you definitely made the right choice :) Remove the guilt and don't compare your situation to others, you've made the best decisions for your family in your circumstances.

As PP said there are pros and cons to both. Grandparents providing childcare can be tricky and when issues arise they can be much harder to address without causing offence. Our DD was initially looked after by grandparents and then started nursery when she was a little older. We were very grateful for the help with childcare but it wasn't without issues and DD really blossomed at nursery. With her brother he will start nursery straight away at 1 and we are really happy about that.

As for illnesses, they will hit at one point or another and not something you can just escape forever. If kids don't build up their immunity getting coughs and colds at nursery they only will at school instead.

Grandparents sure do some childcare but their sole purpose in life is not to be at the beck and call of their grandchildren and their parents who don't realise they are allowed their own lives

There are lots of positives about nursery. Focus on those. Your DD will be fine.

And remind yourself that this is why they call parenting the hardest job - the guilt and the worry.

My DD has a mix of grandparents and nursery and I know she is eating, sleeping and having better activities at daycare.

They paint, sing, dance play and learns so much at nursery where grandparents get more tired so there is a bit more screen time . I also prefer nursery as I can pick up easily and go home as it’s 5 mins from home but my mum is 20 mins away so I go get my DD , stay for 30 mins or more as it’s too rude to collect and run and then drive home with a tired emotional toddler and start the nighttime battle .

I don’t mean to come across uncaring but you are in the same situation as millions of parents. I didn’t have the choice to leave my children with grandparents as we live so far away. Many parents don’t have a family structure allowing them to leave their children with a family member, that’s why nurseries are in business. A child is in no way disadvantaged to go to nursery rather than grandparents, it’s just a different way of life.

I think grandparents providing childcare is an absolute minefield. It’s lovely to have in emergencies but I know if PIL provided any it would be a pain - naps all over the place and living on smarties and fruit shoots! I’m quite glad mine go to nursery three days a week!

Oh come on, OP.....most people would always choose nursery over grandparents! Lots of little friends to play with, proper childcare workers, early learning and development - it's so much better for them. And they also need to be exposed to common infections - it's how they build a healthy immune system. Your child is very fortunate.

My ds was always outdoors with my mum and dad when they looked after him. They took him to the park, beach, green spaces, he explored climbing and ponds with them. Lots of active play and also day to day things like shopping which they made fun for him and involved him in.

How is this helpful?

It's not helpful. It's a comment reacting to poster who attempted to big up Nursery for toddlers by claiming that gp's don't do outdoor play.

She will be great, mine all went to nursery and are doing well at school. Gets all the bugs out the way, builds confidence etc etc.

Before anyone jumps on me, I am sure grandparents do the same. I don’t have any however so not an option

My in-laws offered to do our childcare but it meant it was on their terms, the days that suited them, they provided (beige) food only and loads of sweets and chocolates and my DC would have been put in front of tv the entire them. We declined and used a fabulous nursery instead where my DC thrived.

Bugs and colds are important as they build the immune system. There's lots of issues arising now for children who didn't get exposed to these during the pandemic.

Nursery is staffed by trained professionals who will support your child's development and growth.

It's populated by lots of other little people for your child to play with and develop social skills with. - and get birthday party invites from.

GPS are lovely too and she can spend time with them at weekends and holidays.

Stop feeling guilty cause you've got nothing to feel guilty about. And it achieves nothing.

I'm a grandparent, though solo, and I am confident my grandchildren did better in nursery than they would have with me. There are structured activities with more stuff available than I'd have in my home, lots of other little ones to help learn social skills, patience and consistent expectations from staff, knowledge to help the kids learn - so, so much I couldn't provide. What I like to provide is some joy between us - I do babysit or help out or just choose to take them, and in that time they have my full attention and we do stuff together- yes a little more spoiled than I did as a mum tbh but that's ok I think in small time frames and we both get pleasure in that - I couldn't provide this day in day out or even on a very regular basis. It would also change the relationship for both of us.
This ignoring that I have to work full time and have less energy nowadays.
My own kids went to partner's mum for a while when I worked and it wasn't great for many reasons, though appreciated. The playgroups, nurseries, school clubs later on were better, though not all enjoyed them loads but for me both my kids and grandkids who used them found settling into school easier and making friends when young easier.
Anyway, there are as many different ways to parent and grandparent as there are parents and grandparents I think and no one way is superior- they all have ups and downs to them but kids can thrive in any safe form of care, so don't be sad or guilty.

Nothing wrong with family doing the care , nursery or childminder they can all be equally good . Nobody here can say that your child is having a better or worse experience than her cousin but I think it’s unfair to say that the cousin won’t get the messy play , outdoor play that a nursery provides as for all we know they may be brilliant grandparents who do all this stuff . Our eldest when he went to my mums certainly did messy stuff , went out with the horses ,had a huge pool in the summer etc . The bottom line is that you are offering your child the best that you can and you can do no better than that .

I was more focused on grandparents don’t do messy play really. I don’t know any grandparents who do paint and glue and glitter and all those things our kids love at childcare. Grandparents mostly do outside play, but our children certainly got dirtier at childcare outside play than grandparent outside play.

Different for everyone then I guess...

My daughter had a way better experience at nursery than she would have had with any of her grandparents. Nursery had other kids, toys and crafts and outdoor space, and loads of young, energetic, patient, knowledgeable people who loved their job and had fun with the kids.

Did they love her like a grandparent would? Of course not, but they sure cared for the kids a hell of a lot. I'm still in touch with some of the nursery staff ten years on, and they love to see how well my daughter is doing.

Grandparents providing childcare can lead to resentments and family arguments. If the nursery feeds your child the wrong stuff or doesn't make her nap, you can raise those issues. That's a much harder conversation to have with Grandma.

Plenty of people will try to make you feel guilty for using nursery, but most nurseries have a waiting list, there aren't enough of them to meet demand, and successive governments have increased funding for childcare, so it can;t be a bad thing if they are putting money in to it.

Mil offered to do our full time childcare.

i refused. She’s lovely and already takes care of her other grandchildren, but I wasn’t comfortable for a variety of reasons.

main one was she was of the generation where the kids fit in. So the kids would have been dragged to Tesco, to see Vera down the road, or left with someone else while she nipped out. She wasn’t overly fussed with car seats either. Second was the sexism, she would boast about how the girls loved to help her with the dusting and cleaning, while the boys sat and watched their videos. Thirdly my child was very physical, if you didn’t watch him he’d be up the stairs, climbing the bannister, running off. She also thought that leaving him with one of the other (girls, natch) primary aged kids while she got on with stuff was fine. She was also an absolutely god awful cook.

nursery was a far better option. Messy play, baking, decent meals, dressing up, trips out to parks, zoos, the fire station. As they got older potty training and reading practice with their peers.

your only goes twice a week anyway. They’ll get more from being around other kids.

You're way overthinking things OP. Mine have done five days at nursery from the baby room, and see grandparents at the weekend. Love nursery, love their friends, love their "teachers", love their grandparents.

It's all good.