Support thread for parents of nursery newbies - come and wring your hands here

[midnightexpress]

WanderingTrolley's suggestion that we start a support thread for anxious parents whose dcs are starting nursery.

DS2 (15 months) had his first settling-in session this morning and wailed through most of it.

His big brother (2.5) is much more independent and settled fairly easily, but ds2 much more of a velcro-boy, so I suspect this might be a bit harder than ds1 was for us. Also we're moving house on Friday (great timing) so the poor wee thing has quite a lot on his plate at the moment.

Anyone else? Come and join - bring your own tissues. I have gin.

Thanks for asking, Zebe.
Yes, spoke to head of baby room about keyworker not being there for almost half of dd's settling in period. She confessed that she had perhaps let that slip and we're probably going to try again to settle dd when keyworker returns, or try and attach dd to someone else and then transfer gradually to keyworker. We didn't go in today and won;t return until we decide on solution.

Ladykay - agree with preggers that youth doesn;t matter, as long as they interact with babies. (In fact, I find that the younger the workers, the more fun and better they interact with the babies!) However, I'm not sure how babies feel about bonding with so many new faces at once. I always thought that the whole point of a keyworker was that the baby could attach themselves to one familiar face and feel secure, which is why I'm a bit miffed that my dd's keyworker has gone on holiday in the middle of her settling in period. If I were you I'd say something about the keyworker business, as well as the rocking - after all, if you are trusting them to look after your ds, you need to keep communication channels clear, and the nursery would want to know what is/is not working for you and your ds.

ladykay, i thought that too. it really worried me. i decided all ds needed was someone to love him, and they could do that however old they were.

i also felt as if i was handing him over to a different care worker each time; he was ascribed a key worker who was changed within a few weeks (think he was a little hard work for a newbie, although i didn't ask). i thought giving him to one person would have been better, but as he wanted that one person to be me, in hindsight it might have made me feel better rather than him.

he does love it now, promise.

First day at work today and DS spent the whole day in nursery. He howled when I handed him over but I stayed outside and he had stopped within a minute. They got him to sleep for an hour and a half at lunchtime, all good

Edie - I would very much say just go with your instincts. Most of the questions like staff ratios, staff turnover etc can be answered in the Ofsted report. I chose this nursery over the other 3 I looked at because it felt nicer! As simple as that. The room DS is in is very small too - only 6 kids and 2 staff, which feels good to me because even though he has a key worker he is getting close to both of them. This is going to sound really snobby too but the kids all seemed nicely dressed and clean!!

Good luck tomorrow preggers

Hi PuppyDog, I decided to take DS to nursery today and he did 8-5pm while I worked from home through a mountain of 12 months worth of emails. Drop off wasn't so good, plenty of tears .

Today, he didn't eat anything (other than snacks).

He slept for an hour in the morning so was absolutely exhausted when I picked him up and fell asleep at 5.30. I had to wake him for his bath, poor thing.

Not the best day all in all, but at least he's not ill at the moment too! Hopefully rest of week will be better. I quite enjoyed getting into work though, so feeling a bit guilty about that too.

Hope your first day at your new job was good.

zebedee, my ds did seem quite calm with his keyworker, I will have to see that she has him more consistently when he starts proper -although this is all wrong isn't it? she should be the consistent one for his settling in period. They usher me out of the door so fast I'm trying to see who's there that I remember and he's not always on his regular days for settling in sessions so I've been telling myself she won't always be in that room on other days, but no wonder he's unsettled. I'm trying not to pick and panic but actually, why give him a key worker and then have him handed over to someone different every day? It's all so new to me, I just assumed they knew best to start with.

missorinoco, I'm glad and relieved to hear yours loves it now. Mine is hard work too I think (they said as much really, although I don't consider him so - they said he 'pushed boundaries'...but then they said everyone had tried to calm him and no one could do anything and even though they meant well I couldn't think of anything he would hate more than being passed around loads of cooing strangers. But I don't think anything I could have suggested would have worked really, because you just think you'd have to be the one doing it.

I'll see how the next session goes and try to suggest things (I mean I have already but then last time he had a dirty nappy even though they'd changed it once and that's kind of going back to basics hence my wondering about experience - you know I miss the odd one too but not when he's yelling his head off and stinking). I'm not going to be there, that's the whole point, so I'd hope they had good intuitive, creative calming skills. Ah rant, panic, pant, ranic.

okay I've been blowing into a brown paper bag for 7 hours now and feel much better. When it's all fine and he's settled in I won't really mind about the minute to minute stuff, they nursery workers do care and do give attention, I just feel they could stop him crying if they didn't let him go over the edge in the first place. He's not even attention hungry, he gets on with exploring by himself really well, but they tell me to bring in his comfort blanket or favourite toy and he just doesn't have these things. He's more into fun than stuff.

ladykay - When my DS gets over-stressed we always take him into the garden to look a the outside world. I suggested this to the nursery yesterday and this apparently how they managed to settle him to quickly - they just opened the back door and let him watch the rain. Perhaps this might work for your DS? I agree, passing him around doesn't seem like the best idea, I would have thought that he will feel more secure with one person comforting him. I don't think it's very constructive either for them to tell you he's hard work - do they really know how to 'push boundaries' at his age? He's just a little boy who needs comfort. I think I would raise the key worker point with the nursery, especially as you say he seemed calm with her.

preggers - Morning sleep was turning into the same problem for me - he was so stressed on the drop off that he got really tired and couldn't get through the morning without a sleep (leading to a poor after lunch sleep). I suggested with my nursery that they just let him sleep for 10 mins in the morning to get him through to lunchtime, it seemed to work yesterday, he had and hour and half after lunch.

I quite enjoyed going to work too. The time really flew, partly because I'm only doing 9-4 rather than the 8-6 I used to do - I got to 3pm and realised it was nearly home time! I've got an office with my new job too which I've never had before, I've always been in an open plan room, so I'm getting all giddy about getting things to personalise it like plants and pictures! How sad am I.

yes thanks puppydogtails, he loves the outside and it works very very well at home although only to an extent at nursery (although they have a super outside space so this is just how distraught he was but it will be heaven to him before long I'm sure) but they didn't do this last time as it was a horrible day but like you say standing in the doorway watching the rain is a great one. I'll stress this one to try aswell as chasing the keyworker issue. And I know! Boundaries? At not-quite-9 months? He'll have an asbo next!

Good idea about the garden, I'm going to mention this to nursery today for when DS gets upset. He's been up several times in the night teething so his routine is buggered, poor little thing woke up at 6 and was back in bed by 8.

Boundaries????? Should my 12 mth old have these ? I guess that's like when he tries to pull my laptop off the table and I say "NO" and he laughs at me?

Thanks for that PuppyDogTails!!

Glad DS did okay at nursery and you are looking forward to decorating your desk!!

Ladykay, boundaries??!!!! How can a tiny baby push boundaries? What a silly thing for them to say. Poor you, I don't know what to suggest but I really hope it gets better for you both soon.

lady kay, excuse the language but bollocks is he hard work! he is a little baby who is trying to get used to being with different people, and their job is to settle him down and help him adjust. and if that takes longer then it does, but at 9 months that is not his fault. (you might be able to tell i am slightly irked for you!)

for some reason ds settled when they put him in pram to take the babies for a walk one day. after that, if when he was really wound up they would put him in a buggy and wheel him back and forth. it wasn't something i needed to do at home, but it worked for them.

i really feel for you. i have memories of going in to pick him up and seeing him screaming whilst someone tried to sing to him to calm him. i didn't believe it would get better but it did.

lady kay, excuse the language but bollocks is he hard work! he is a little baby who is trying to get used to being with different people, and their job is to settle him down and help him adjust. and if that takes longer then it does, but at 9 months that is not his fault. (you might be able to tell i am slightly irked for you!)

for some reason ds settled when they put him in pram to take the babies for a walk one day. after that, if when he was really wound up they would put him in a buggy and wheel him back and forth. it wasn't something i needed to do at home, but it worked for them.

i really feel for you. i have memories of going in to pick him up and seeing him screaming whilst someone tried to sing to him to calm him. i didn't believe it would get better but it did.

not sure that post was worth going up twice.

Oh god, what a day!!! I'm exhausted, I can't believe I used to work loads of overtime, I was worn out by lunchtime. I wish I had my own office so I could have had a snooze on the desk in the afternoon. Not so easy to get away with it in an open plan office

The worst thing was that there were terrible traffic problems due to a traffic incident and all the roads were gridlocked in the area. I had to take DS to Tesco (closest place to nursery) to bf him in order to tank him up for the journey back home (he didn't eat any of their food again..). I left the office at 4pm and got home at nearly 8pm!!!!

The weird thing is he had 3 naps today as well. V odd, he's been on 1 a day recently (though should probably be 2). I asked his key worker whether he cried when getting himself to sleep and she said he had 'a bit' but that they lie down with him and stroke him til he drops off. The nagging concern I have is that I have avoided any sleep 'training' that involves crying (each to his own but controlled crying is not something I felt comfortable with) and now I am worried that inadvertently this is what is now happening. His eyes look a bit red when I pick him up .

Blimey preggers, you've had quite a day. Sounds like you have DS in a nursery close to work rather than home, perhaps a good job given the journey you've had.

I know what you mean about the crying to sleep, I've been exactly the same and can't bear to hear him cry. I bet you'll find though that if he makes any associations they don't come home with him. My DS won't let me feed him from a spoon but happily does at nursery - I think they just accept there are different rules and routines in the different places.

Well I've been up with DS since 4:15am, he has another cold, they seem to be constant since he started nursery but according to the BBC yesterday that seems to be a good thing. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of how much I have to do now that I'm back at work. I don't get much help around the house (although, saying that, I have a cleaner and DP does the ironing). I went to bed at 9:30pm last night, having finally got DS to sleep at 8:00pm, which gave me 1.5 hours to tidy up/clear up dinner/wash DS bottles (and OK, I found a bit of time for MN!). I know there's a large contingent on MN who will tell me not to put up with it and DP should do more - yes, he should. I'm also starting to think that working Monday/Thursday/Friday is impractical - Tuesday and Wednesday are busy days and it's going to be difficult if I'm not in. I think I might have to see if the nursery can do Tuesday too. On the plus side it means more money.

i think we need a support thread for those leaving nursery!

i have just dropped DD1 off for the last time - she is 4.2 and has been at the nursery since she was 8 months old.
In that time she has made some wonderful friends, she has had an enormous amount of love and care, i feel so sad with big tears dropping down my face.

i can't believe i am feeling this sad!!

Is she starting school ami?

yes, in september. thought i'd give her a bit of a break and DD2 wasn't happy (needs to move up a room, can't til sept)

Hi PuppyDog, the nursery is actually close to home (though not as close as I could do with obviously!) and my commute is now a complicated journey of car to nursery > car to station > train > tube > walk to office. If any of those things go wrong (like this morning, and last night) then I'll be late. Oh dear, and I used to be so punctual as well!

Our babies sound quite similar - mine won't let me feed him on a spoon either. (alas though he won't let the nursery either...yet).

DS is ill again today, a temperature and cold brewing. Ah well, just thinking of how strong his immune system will be.

Amidaiwish - your message gives me hope for the future!

preggers, DD1 was hardly there the first few months with colds, conjuntivitis etc. However after that first winter, she has missed just one day from a bad cold and then a few days due to chicken pox.

they really do get very tough!

DD2 has never had a day away from nursery sick apart from chicken pox - she must have been exposed to it all from DD1 before she even started.

I too am lapping up your tales of happy nursery children with hope for the future. Thanks for your support zebedee, missorinoco and preggers. He had another 2 hour today and was warmly greeted by his key worker. I mentioned that, kind as mass comforting was, I thought it would be better for him to have one solid person - preferably his key worker. When I went back to pick him up (he had been crying on and off the whole time with a half hour solid block ) she suggested he perhaps needed to bond with just one person to settle in properly@?%*# I thought a)this was what we'd been doing all month, it's a bit late to start now as he's thrown screaming into full days next week and b)what I had said two hours earlier to boot. I really do like her and think ds does too, but feel we've wasted the whole month and that there's no way he will be able to cope with 2 full days. Any more tales of hope?? Am I irreparably damaging his trusting little self??

he will probably be better with a full day than these 2 hour sessions which just seem to be unsettling him

with a full day he will eat, sleep, go outside, inside, activities etc and be way more distracted... not just "sit and play in a strange place for a couple of hours"

and at least they are not lying to you, telling you he is fine when you leave. at least they are being honest.

How old is he?

He just approaching nine months, but is big and very active. Yes, I have told them I appreciate their honesty and I do. Glad to hear your thought on the full day - I'm going to be a weeping wreck for the first one though!

Sorry for the delay in posting, damn internet connection

We had our first longer session on Monday where I left ds for a couple of hours. Didn't go too well

He filled his nappy on route there so the first thing they had to do was change his nappy. This wasn't good as he doesn't like changing tables not at ground level so he started freaking out and didn't really stop even though I was there to comfort him afterwards. When he settled down I left for a couple of hours but sounds like he cried for most of the time I wasn't there and didn't eat anything afterwards.

He's been really clingy since and he's now teething too! We try again tomorrow for 4 hours this time, wish us luck please.

I've been to chatting to my friends who have gone back to work and they've been trying to make me feel better with stories of how their babies love nursery now. Well they would say that wouldn't they.