Baby inconsolable after nursery visit.. coincidence?!

[Liverpoolgirl50]

My 9 month old had her first (and only) settling in session last week. She was meant to have 2, the first of which I was going to stay for but she caught a bug which meant she only did the second and I wasn’t allowed to stay. They said that it’s usually more difficult for the babies so I thought fine and left them to it..

I came back 3 hours later and they said she had been a bit up and down, but she had played, eaten some banana and was fast asleep on someone’s shoulder when I got there. They said it was a good sign she felt comfortable enough to sleep.

HOWEVER.. since I collected her Thursday afternoon she’s been inconsolable, won’t let go of me and won’t even go to her dad let alone anyone she usually goes to. She absolutely loses her mind when I step out of view whereas before she would play quite happily. I’m worried I’ve traumatised her, or the nursery have?! I was pretty happy with them but on reflection they said she was happy if someone was sat with her but if they got up she cried.. should they have been with her the whole time as it was her first settling in visit or am I expecting too much?

Very nervous for next week when she starts properly. She will be doing Tuesday and Wednesday 7:30-6, which are long days but I decided to work longer hours so I could take a day off with her in the week. What if she’s beside herself, are nursery workers in a position to cuddle her all day if they have to??

Ugh real mum guilt setting in now, I was really hopeful as she’s such a sociable, independent little thing but maybe this is normal? I don’t know :(

Any experience welcome!

Should’ve added that she is still recovering from a tummy bug so maybe that’s all part of it and I just need to give it time? I don’t want to emotionally damage her!

Maybe she's just not feeling well? I doubt a 9 month old could be traumatised by one 3 hour session at nursery surround by child care professionals but you know your child best.

Maybe don't send her back and find a different place?

I’m surprised they went straight to the independent settling session without you, couldn’t it be rescheduled? I was so much more relaxed about leaving DS (to be honest I was still a bit of a wreck but an outwardly ok one) because I’d seen a brief structure of his day there and the staff members etc and then I could imagine him there at different parts of the day.

My 5 mo usually cries a lot after full days at nursery because they don't sleep quite as much there (too many interesting things going on) so he's knackered, I take it as a sign he's had a good day

Listen to what your gut is telling you...

I think it's the wrong decision to send such a young baby for such long days. She's probably going to be completely miserable and your kidding yourself if you don't think that's true. She's too young to understand why her mum is leaving her for hours on end.

Thanks all,

Unfortunately due to Easter, I couldn’t reschedule. Two of my colleagues children are at that nursery and they really recommended it, hence why I put my trust in them. My husband and I have agreed to see out the month we’ve paid for, and see if she makes any progress. If nothing has changed after a month then maybe look at a childminder or a different nursery.. I think that’s the sensible thing to do.

Just hate seeing her so upset, but do think tiredness has something to do with it as she’s also cutting her first tooth and is sleeping terribly at night.. all comes at once! X

Very unhelpful reply.. I have to work to pay our mortgage unfortunately, and would much rather have a day off in the week with her, so that’s what we have decided. I’m sure other babies survive doing long hours for more than 2 days a week.

It shows her attachment system is working very well. She was separated unexpectedly from her main source of security and she is using all her attachment behaviours to show you she wants you close! Are you in a position to do a longer settling period? If you need to work those long days, I think the best you can do is to do a few more settling sessions. Ime children of all ages need a session with parent there, then an hr on their own, then a half day, then a day. And if they are struggling this process can/ should take a couple of weeks. Many nurseries want to move this along as they say seeing mum makes kids upset, but I disagree, it’s healthy attachment behaviour for kids to show their distress, I’m more worried about the ones that don’t make a sound tbh.

Of course they do. Pay no attention OP. Most people aren't fortunate enough to give up work until their kids are at school. Some don't even want to. Neither are wrong. Kids benefit from nursery. My DD was very timid and it took her a few weeks to settle but she absolutely loves it now. You do need to give it time and do your best not to get too upset as that'll feed her upset too. Good luck with your return to work x

Thank you..

I start back at work on Tuesday so no chance to squeeze any more in :( however my mum isn’t working at the moment, so I may ask her to collect her early if she’s struggling the first couple of sessions.

What if she’s beside herself, are nursery workers in a position to cuddle her all day if they have to?

The answer to this is yes, they can and do cuddle them all day if they have to! I've seen countless photos on our nursery app of the teachers balancing one upset baby in one arm while reading a book to the rest of the class with the other.

But don't worry, she won't need it literally all day.

Although I agree with pp, I think you might be better doing three shorter days than two long ones (as you imply this was your choice so presumanly you can make a different choice). Also I think you're better off having them spread across the week. Otherwise in the intervening 5 days she'll "forget" nursery and drop offs will be awful on the first of the two days

Thanks everyone 💖

There definitely are options and luckily I work for the NHS who are flexible, so I’m going to see how we go and hope that she doesn’t totally hate me in the meantime! X

Don’t give anything like this credence, it’s so small minded and ridiculous, but unfortunately you always get a reply of this nature when asking anything to do with childcare on this forum 🙄

For comparison, when my dd was 8.5m she did two days at nursery which we then increased to 3 days soon after that. However the days were Monday and Thursday (then Mon, thu, fri) which I think was fairly ideal so she didn't forget her teachers. I mean drop offs will still hard for a long while but I think consecutive days would have been worse.

I also think your mum doing some drop offs could be good. Rather than pickups. If she's not as close with your mum, she'll be less clingy at drop off (I mean in theory). Then she'll have the grand reunion with you in the evening pickup... that is one of the most precious emotional bits of my week even now Dd is 2y8m lol

Ps you mentioned your husband... can he adjust his hours so they overlap less with yours? Or can he WFH on your working days?

What we do is, I have to leave for work at 7am but my DH can do breakfast and play before dropping off at 9am, as he WFH. Then (usually) I can do pickup at 5.30 (or sometimes he does and then has to go back to work). So altogether she only does 8.5h, which seems like a lot still, but is better than your 11.5h option.

Ps I mean 10.5h! I can't count lol

She won't hate you OP, I guarantee that. She'll be a bit extra clingy with you for a while and if you breastfeed you'll know about it for a bit!! But she won't hate you. They get a lot out of nursery. Both mine went full time, eldest from super young, and were still close. Not everyone has a choice and you're doing great by her, whatever you decide about hours xx

My 11 month went for 1 day a week 9-5 since 7 months due to my having a disability so i needed a day to rest. Before starting they had x3 1 hour settling in sessions, 1 with us and then 2 more as they struggled for the second one so nursery suggested extra ones. Then at 10.5months when i was going back to work at 11 months, i started them in nursery 2 weeks early and they did one week of 4 days and one week of 3 days where i could drop them off a bit later/pick up earlier so they could settle in. So once back to work doing 3 days they had overcome most of their apprehension.

It took about 4 weeks and sometimes if tired etc they'd cry at drop off but now at 1 year they love it! They do sooooo much at nursery, they get support to grow and develop. My baby often is happy staying in their key persons arms at pickup while I'm told about their day 😄 Honestly, it just takes time and it's unfortunate more settling in sessions couldn't have been done, but they will start to enjoy it once they've been there a bit longer.

9 months is prime separation anxiety time.
Play lots of object permanence games: peekaboo, hide toys under fabric lift it up yay!, books like owl babies where mummy always comes back.
Diy or Ebay a Montessori object permanence box where you slot the ball into the hole then it emerges elsewhere.
Shorter sessions at nursery will be better to start off with, build up to your full 11 hour day.
Hope that helps x

OP, please try to ignore messages like this, they are awful and totally unhelpful.

Studies repeatedly show that having financially stable parents gives the best outcomes for children in terms of education, mental health, future earnings, not going into crime, etc etc. It has one of the biggest effect sizes, together with things like having both bio parents at home. You are doing what you have to do to provide a stable home for your child. Well done for being a great mum. It will get easier.

Shut up. Doesn't help. You're fortunate to not have to work.

They won't be able to cuddle her all day no. If she is inconsolable they will phone you as they can't have a baby screaming all day it's upsetting for the other babies.

Ps I'm a huge believer in the "babies need their mothers" idea. I breastfed DD for over 2.5 years, I've done thousands of hours of co-sleeping with her. I work part time. I'm constantly taking her to soft plays and reading her books and wiping her bum and talking about nightmares and building a den and letting her "help" me do housework and pretending I'm a monster who's about to eat her etc.

But yeah, she's been at nursery since she was 8.5m and does fairly long days. I'm convinced I've made the right call tbh