Baby inconsolable after nursery visit.. coincidence?!

[Liverpoolgirl50]

My 9 month old had her first (and only) settling in session last week. She was meant to have 2, the first of which I was going to stay for but she caught a bug which meant she only did the second and I wasn’t allowed to stay. They said that it’s usually more difficult for the babies so I thought fine and left them to it..

I came back 3 hours later and they said she had been a bit up and down, but she had played, eaten some banana and was fast asleep on someone’s shoulder when I got there. They said it was a good sign she felt comfortable enough to sleep.

HOWEVER.. since I collected her Thursday afternoon she’s been inconsolable, won’t let go of me and won’t even go to her dad let alone anyone she usually goes to. She absolutely loses her mind when I step out of view whereas before she would play quite happily. I’m worried I’ve traumatised her, or the nursery have?! I was pretty happy with them but on reflection they said she was happy if someone was sat with her but if they got up she cried.. should they have been with her the whole time as it was her first settling in visit or am I expecting too much?

Very nervous for next week when she starts properly. She will be doing Tuesday and Wednesday 7:30-6, which are long days but I decided to work longer hours so I could take a day off with her in the week. What if she’s beside herself, are nursery workers in a position to cuddle her all day if they have to??

Ugh real mum guilt setting in now, I was really hopeful as she’s such a sociable, independent little thing but maybe this is normal? I don’t know :(

Any experience welcome!

She needs a house over her head and food in her tummy which for many means that they have to work.

Or possibly like me, not have to work financially but enjoys financial independence, career progression and believes it sets a good example.

OP, your baby will be fine. I think 9 months is a tricky age when it comes to separation anxiety so may have happened anyway.

My baby started at 12 weeks. I think it helped in a way that he was younger, he adjusted quite fast and now at 4 months, is all smiles for his keyworker at drop off.

Your baby will be fine. DS2 started at 7 months during covid so I wasn't allowed in even for the settles. He did cry at the start, and he also went through a phase of needing to see his key worker at all times. He is now 2.5 and has been full time for the last 6 months and is a happy little soul.

My baby is almost 9m and she has just started being unsettled when I leave the room, hand her to her dad etc. I've heard separation anxiety is really normal at this age so I don't think her going to nursery for a few hours will be the cause of her behaviour. She will settle and be ok!

Op i work in early years and we have several children under one who do 730-6. They are fine! If anything they often settle quicker than those who just do say two half days a week.

I do think they should have let you stay for atleast part of the visit, i would have offered this.

I don’t know whether to be honest with you or not. 🙈

I’m gonna be honest.

Of course your baby is upset, you dropped her off with strangers in an unfamiliar environment. I’m really surprised they didn’t let you stay, that is very strange. If you didn’t stay for at least one session this was always going to go badly, for both you and the nursery.

When I settled DS at preschool (age 3) I stayed for the 1 hr taster seasion, then played with him there for an hour of the next session and made sure he’d spoken to everyone in the room before I left, then for the next session I sat in a nearby room where he could pop in to see me. Only after those three positive experiences did I start dropping off and leaving straight away.

Don’t wanna make you feel bad but if the settling in is done badly then yes the child will be upset. 😢

Would your mum be up for doing some settling sessions with her?
Not sure if it would be helpful but might make the transition easier for her?

Can you fit in another settling in session where you stay, even if it's after she's started? I think it would be helpful for you to see the nursery environment and spend some time with the people she'll be with.

When mine first started at 11 months I did take advantage of working at home and grandma pick-ups to have him do shorter days - so 9-3ish and I'd log back in later and finish my work. But he adjusted so quickly and loved nursery, it didn't take long for him to be in 8.30-6.

She’s not being farmed out - she’s in professional childcare so that her parents can go to work - like the vast majority of the population.
DT’s went to full time nursery from six months as that was the normal maternity leave then. They are happy and well adjusted adults with no issues about their time in childcare. We used the same nursery staff as our babysitters as they were so good and we are still in touch with them.

Get in the bin with comments like this, unless you are offering to pay OPs mortgage of course?

Your LO will be fine. It will take them a few days to adjust but they will. If you’ve had recommendations for the nursery I’m sure it will be a lovely place.
when my youngest started at 6 months he was barely parted from the deputy manager not because he was upset but because she loved cuddles with him. So yes they can and often will cuddle them all day.

Thank you everyone 💖 agree that I should’ve pushed harder to stay at her settling in session, but I just took their lead. I’m also going to ignore the trolls 😂 definitely not lucky enough to afford to stay at home, but also love my job and am glad my little girl will grow up knowing both mum and dad work but also spend time with her.

I’m going to keep a close eye, and give her a chance to bond with her key worker. Your posts have given me lots of confidence that she might be just fine with a bit of time, so thank you x

Do you really though I mean would you be literally homeless or could you not have the current home you want? Babies just want to be with their mums.

Don't worry too much about not being there for her settling. DD started nursery during covid when we weren't allowed in, just queue at the door for drop off. The staff told me the babies/toddlers actually settled easier than in normal times: they said it was because they weren't thinking their mum "should" be there as mum had never been there. So they stopped just crying for mummy and just got stuck into the activities more. Very small kids have their own logic like that (the staff told me). Maybe they were just being nice but it made sense and I believed it.

However they did suggest stepping up the number of hours per day, which we did very gradually by starting her at nursery about 3w before my leave ended. (Partly for my sanity tbf!) We started by doing 3-4 hour days for the first week (2d a week), ramping up to the full 8.5h when I had to go back to work. I really recommend that if you can manage it between your mum and dh

Please do ignore this utter tripe OP. In the real world most people know that actually yes, both parents do have to work to avoid homelessness. And heck, even if you want to work to do more than just about scrape by on your mortgage (what a high bar we are aiming for eh), that’s completely okay too. Bet it’s the same posters who complain on other threads about staff leaving the NHS in droves 🙄

I mean, I know you're back to work yourself this week... I mean if possible maybe your mum could do a few hours each nursery morning for a week or two so your dd has shorter days initially, ramping up to full days by week 3.

I grew up with parents who just scraped by to have a SAHM.

It was miserable.

Not everyone just wants to scrape by.

I agree with this 100%. Maybe OP is a GP, aren't we always banging on about how we need more of them and we need them to work more days a week etc. Honestly.

Mums are allowed to work for more than just avoiding homelessness - maybe we want intellectual fulfillment, maybe we want to contribute a certain way to society, maybe we want to be more financially comfortable. Children benefit from having financially comfortable, well educated parents. And by working we can afford more experiences and resources for our child. And being a part time working mum isn't incompatible with (say) extended breastfeeding and other ways to bond.

I sent my first to nursery at 9mo OP, full time. She was absolutely fine but did take some settling in and like you said, she was a bit more clingy at home. But seemed happy.

my boy on the other hand (1 year old); dropped off fine, perfectly happy to be left.. but I hen we got home he was SUPER clingy. He would not let go of me or be put down.

I think it’s a combination of tiredness and the realisation that after so many months together, the possibility of not always being together hits them. It is a long day, 8 hours without the person you’ve spent 99% of your life with is a big change.. but it’s not a negative one. It’s the first step in learning independence.

id go with your gut, to some extent. If you can get more settling sessions perhaps try some more. But ultimately only you can decide what is best for them.

Absolutely.

I was bored out of my mind at home and enjoy financial independence. I also love my career and need to be more than 'mum'.

OP I dropped my now 4.5 year old with her childminder at just under 10 months. My DD had random days until she was about 15 months where she was very clingy. Luckily she was the youngest at the childminders so got lots of attention and cuddles. This meant I was never rang to pick her up because she couldn't settle.

My childminder is lovely and doesn't agree to take on another child under 1 until she ensures the youngest one she has is not only over one but isn't as clingy.

It's really, really unfortunate that maternity leave ends just as babies are getting clingy. Someone should do something about it.

I think your child has been overfaced.

You mean statutory paid maternity/parental leave.

They're not trolls, they're just people with opinions you don't want to hear because you need / want to work.

@Satsumaonaplate what a shit thing to say. Congrats on kicking a mama whilst she down. Knob.

@Liverpoolgirl50 it's a shame you couldn't have more settling in sessions I do think it will have helped but that can't be changed now. 9 months is peak seperate moon anxiety so that will also be at play. Yes the nursery staff with absolutely cuddle your baby. Our nursery ratio when they are that small is 1:2 so they will be able to.

It will take some time for her to adjust. Expect a lot of tears on pick up. This is completely normal. Firstly they will be exhausted as it's long days with lots of activity and exciting things. They generally don't sleep as well at nursery as have FOMO. Secondly it's complete normal for them to let out the emotions of the day once they see mum. Nursery will tell you they have been fine all day but as soon as you get them and bring them home they are hysterical. Completely normal. Early bedtimes on nursery days for sure. They will be very tired.

On the sleeping at nursery ours have a separate room with cots in that when the babies are sleeping they are supervised. When my boy was still small I sent in his sleeping bag dummy comforter and white noise machine to help him sleep. I would look into this. They should also work to your schedule when she is this small. When she is a bit older they will work to their schedule and it would help if you did the same.

It's going to be tough I balled my eyes out the first time I sent my boy to nursery. It was covid still so I only had one settling in session but with no other children in the playground as I wasn't allowed in the building!! But we are 2.5 years in now and he loves it. The staff are amazing with him. But I get it's very hard

Good luck.