Baby inconsolable after nursery visit.. coincidence?!

[Liverpoolgirl50]

My 9 month old had her first (and only) settling in session last week. She was meant to have 2, the first of which I was going to stay for but she caught a bug which meant she only did the second and I wasn’t allowed to stay. They said that it’s usually more difficult for the babies so I thought fine and left them to it..

I came back 3 hours later and they said she had been a bit up and down, but she had played, eaten some banana and was fast asleep on someone’s shoulder when I got there. They said it was a good sign she felt comfortable enough to sleep.

HOWEVER.. since I collected her Thursday afternoon she’s been inconsolable, won’t let go of me and won’t even go to her dad let alone anyone she usually goes to. She absolutely loses her mind when I step out of view whereas before she would play quite happily. I’m worried I’ve traumatised her, or the nursery have?! I was pretty happy with them but on reflection they said she was happy if someone was sat with her but if they got up she cried.. should they have been with her the whole time as it was her first settling in visit or am I expecting too much?

Very nervous for next week when she starts properly. She will be doing Tuesday and Wednesday 7:30-6, which are long days but I decided to work longer hours so I could take a day off with her in the week. What if she’s beside herself, are nursery workers in a position to cuddle her all day if they have to??

Ugh real mum guilt setting in now, I was really hopeful as she’s such a sociable, independent little thing but maybe this is normal? I don’t know :(

Any experience welcome!

No they are, those posts are designed to be smug and superior and kick women down for having to or wanting to make life choices that are in many circumstances dictated by the society we live in.

It's sexist crap that belongs back in the 1950's.

I do honestly believe that when mums feel guilty/worried/disappointed about their choices, that forces them to try and convince themselves how everyone else is wrong.

I think (some!!) SAHMs feel envy/regret about their choice, so they convince themselves that working mums have irrevocably harmed their own children because "babies just want their mums". They make quite rude/accusatory comments about working mums.

Conversely you can also get (some!) high achieving working mums who are very snobby about SAHMs, again maybe out of guilt/envy

In reality, I'm sure all options are fine, with the important proviso that there's enough money to have a stable household

Your dd will be absolutely fine, she will take time to settle and there will be good days and bad days. But she will be well cared for and if you are worried speak to her keyworker.

But to reassure you, in nurseries there is always lots of cuddles! I work in a preschool and some days I will constantly have at least one child on my lap as they need/want a cuddle, sometimes while I'm eating my lunch too 🤣

She will be fine, my DD started at around 8 months and does mon 8-5 and Friday 8-12, yes she sometimes is clingy once I've picked her up but as PP's have said it's mainly because she doesn't sleep the same! I've also realised she's worse on the shorter day so I wouldn't worry about how many hours she'll be there. As you've said you have to work the same as I do. Yes you probably will worry and feel guilty for the first few weeks but I promise it will get better and hopefully like mine the nursery have an app that they update throughout the day. My DD's is really good and put pics of what's she's doing every couple of hours so at least even if she's been upset on drop off I can see she's happy and settled

DS was like this at first OP, it wasn't long before he settled and he loved it. I also loved him going in as enjoyed going back to work- don't feel guilty at all.

Sorry to see all the trolls. I'd love to spend more time with my 5mo but we don't all have the level of privilege required to stay off work for the rest of our lives 😬

Honestly? Babies are fine at nursery. Mine had to start from 3mo and he loves it. He's always smiling and gurgling at the staff. He always has a bit of uncontrollable crying in the evenings, but that's because he's worn out. They get experiences they can't get at home. Don't let people make you feel bad. Kids who went to nursery are always more sociable anyway.

I'm not a troll, but just wanted to point out that no one is saying you have to stay home for the rest of your life. It must have been very hard starting your baby at nursery at 3 months, but, for what it's worth, I do agree that your baby will probably be 'fine' in a good nursery.

Not necessarily. People are allowed to have different opinions on what's best for babies. Doesn't make them trolls. That's all I was saying. No offence meant.

It’s the very definition of sexist.

If they believe sexist roles are best for their family then they can be SAHM’s all they like but they shouldn’t be attempting to enforce sexism on other women. It’s disgusting.

Especially since OP has already said it’s a financial need.

The baby will probably be fine - what a horrible comment.

OP - ignore these types of comments - your baby will thrive. DT’s would get excited when we pushed their buggy towards the entrance to their nursery. Hold their arms out to their key workers and go off for a lovely day whilst DH and I had the reassurance of their excellent care whilst we went to work (and yes I wanted to go back - I enjoyed my career and the benefits it brought).

They sometimes take a few sessions to settle as they are learning that they can trust their new care givers in a new environment. Once they feel safe and get to know the staff they are fine and enjoy their day. Settled babies in nursery only cry for the same reasons they do at home - tired, hungry or hurt/ill - the rest of the time they play, explore, do activities, go in the garden, have stories and songs. Staff will cuddle as much as a baby needs while also trying to encourage them to be interested in the things around them. Having a comfort item also helps some babies initially.
Make sure the staff are clear on your home routine and what they enjoy most at home so they have things to try to help settle her.

Not meant as a horrible comment at all. Why is everyone looking for conflict on here?

There is currently another thread going on where people are talking about their bad experiences of nurseries, and how little care is given to babies - so obviously there is no guarantee your child will thrive, it depends on the nursery and the employees. That's why I used the word probably. There's no point saying all nurseries are wonderful, they are not. Sorry for jusr being realistc!

It does depend on the nursery.

Having a SAHM is no guarantee either. Not all parents are good parents for a start but even if they are, working may be good for their mental health. A baby isn't going to thrive at home if the mum is miserable as a SAHM.

A baby also isn't going to thrive at home if having a SAHM causes financial difficulties.

@SouthLondonMum22 that's very true.

In DS’s nursery they definitely get cuddled if they need it. One of the reasons we chose that one is the EYP’s were sitting on the floor with all the babies cuddles up to them when we went to visit.

I will say we had to put him in for three days a week cos he wouldn’t settle with two. We did Monday/Tuesday initially and the gap between him being in was too long if that makes sense? So we added Thursday so he didn’t have 5 days in a row not in nursery and he settled much better after that.

I just wanted to come back on and say that I spent the weekend eating Easter eggs, feeling hugely guilty, crying.. oh and cuddling a very clingy baby!! I dropped her off at 7:30 this morning, she was absolutely fine (?!) and I cried in the car.

I then had the best day at work.. I drank hot cups of tea, I answered emails, I wore my lanyard and heels and felt human again. I picked her up at 6 and they said she had slept in the cot of her own accord, she scooted off and played with other babies and on her own, she sat at the table and ate (sort of) her meals, and she got lots of cuddles when she did have a wobble. I picked her up and got the best kisses and smiles and now she’s fast asleep after a busy day.

Thank you to everyone’s messages that got me through this weekend - today has reassured me that this is the right thing for both of us and I can’t wait for our day off together Friday. X

Lovely news - sounds like you both had perfect days!

Well done to you and your DD @Liverpoolgirl50 x

Well done on making it through the first day! I know what you mean about it making you feel human again.