Possible over-reaction - desperately need some perspective/objective advice.

[Cashncarry]

DD is coming up to 3 years old. She's been going to a very small private nursery full-time since she was 15 months old. She loves all the girls, they love her to bits BUT since moving to the biggies room (3 plus) over the summer, we've encountered some problems as follows (with solutions where appropriate):

1. After first moving, DD coming home saying Girl X and Girl Y (both about a year older) are saying that they don't want to be her friend. DH and I noticing that said 2 girls are saying that DD's been naughty when we pick her up. We both tell her to ignore them and say "I've plenty of friends, thank you".

2. About a month later, DD saying that Girl X and Boy Z are saying "her shoes are rubbish", "her face is rubbish" calling her "stupid" and "idiot". (We don't use these words at home). DH wants to report it, I persuade him that DD can handle it and we teach her to say "That's very rude. I don't play with rude girls/boys. If you say that again, I will tell a grown up".

3. A couple of weeks ago, DD is playing with DH on Sunday afternoon. DH is lying on his back on the floor, DD launches herself onto him belly to belly (IYSWIM). I ask her what she's doing. She says she's playing the "humping game" which Boy Z taught her.
   Filled with horror at the word "humping" (which we have definitely never used - it's akin to the C word in my view), I tell her that's a very naughty game and if Boy Z wants to play it again, she should tell a grown up straight away. DD's at home with me for the next few days (I had hols booked) but I call the nursery and have a word with the manager. She says she'll look into it. When I drop DD off on the Thursday for a couple of hours, I have words with the girls in charge of her room and ask them to keep an eye on her and Boy Z as well as filling them in on the nonsense with Girl X and ask them to keep an eye on their interaction.
   When I pick DD up, I have another word with the nursery manager and say that I have concerns mainly centred around the fact that DD was alone with Boy Z long enough for this to happen unnoticed. She remarks that Boy Z has never used this language in front of any of the girls, neither have any of them noticed Girl X being (for want of a better word) mean to DD. I'm left with the niggling suspicion that DD is being branded a liar but due to a previously good rship with the nursery I leave the problem with them and am assured they'll investigate.

4. Fast forward to today. DH picks DD up from nursery. I get home some half an hour later and notice a rather large bump in the top centre of DD's forehead. She tells me that Girl X threw a torch at her head. I ask if Girl X was told off and am told that Teacher A (whose name I don't recognise) told her off and Girl X said sorry. I ask DH if he was asked to sign the accident book - he was not. In fact he didn't even notice the bruise and no one said anything to him.

I'm so sorry for the mammoth post of epic proportions but I really am very upset and at a total loss as to how to handle it. My confidence in the nursery is fading fast, despite the friendship that has grown between myself and her carers since she started there. I have underlying concerns about the fact that DD is not in a particular routine and seems to spend an awful lot of time in "free play" but have not expressed these reservations for fear of seeming like a pushy "alpha mummy" who wants her child reading and writing before the age of 3.

I need some MN wisdom - what's my next step? Am I over-reacting? I must admit to nearly crying when I saw a huge purple bruise and am resisting the urge to call the nursery manager (I know her mob no) and get to the bottom of this. Obviously I haven't as that would be an invasion of privacy!

DH is all set to go all guns blazing into the nursery tomorrow when he does the drop-off but I don't see the point when I'm not in a position to sort out any alternative care if it all kicks off in some kind of wild west style confrontation.

Am I:

(a) totally overreacting because I have severe PFB tendencies and my next step should be to laugh this off and casually mention to the staff to try and make sure that DD is not battered and bullied on a regular basis; or

(b) a pathetic parent incapable of protecting their gift from God and my next step should be to grow some balls and tell the nursery to sort themselves out or I will withdraw DD?

Be Gentle - remember working mum guilt is at play here. I've just started a new job which is taking up most of my time and energy and I feel like this is going to be the straw that broke the camel's back

Answers on a postcard please...

Umm, tbh my opinion is this shouldn't be happening, i think you should call the nursery manager and get to the bottom of it. You're not being over protective, or silly- you're concerned. And rightly so, i think.

Sounds like you're having a rough time, I don't have any wisdom I'm affraid as my DD isn't at that stage yet but bumping for you. Hope you find a happy resolution

I agree you are right to be concerned. You should talk to the manager. I hope dd ok

No YANBUhow about you call the manager & just say you'd like a chat face to face-always nicer than over the phone.

Then I'd say that you appreciate they've looked into it but that you are not happy about the situation, for X Y Z reasons & that as you've always had COMPLETE faith in the staff you'd like to get this sorted so it doesn't compromise the good relationship you've always had. Then ask her what steps she feels could be taken on both sides to resolve this situation. (putting the ball firmly in her court but showing you appreciate it's a joint approach & you're not just pointing a finger even if you feel like doing so!)

Awful for you HTH!

What you are describing sounds outrageous. I would not call the mobile number tonight but I would go in tomorrow with a very clear set of issues and ask for a meeting with the nursery manager. I am a working mother, so I totally understand your reticence, but I think that sometimes (becuase of the guilt) we assume an almost apologetic position. You are paying these people to care for your child, and it looks like they are not doing their job properly. You wouldn't stand for that in a colleague, and you would put it right, so you need to apply the same principles.

Serendippity and orangehead - I'm so glad your gut reaction coincides with mine!

Gingerninja - you're a doll! You've got all this to come!

Bossybritches - I like your approach very much. It's measured without being confrontational and I will definitely give that a go tomorrow. If I can get in before DH that is

Any more for any more? [selfish and needy emoticon!]

Bumposaurus - thank you so much. I really do assume an apologetic position but I can see that I need to be more forthright here.

I'm so grateful for all replies especially given the length of the post and the hour. I'm desperately fitting in finishing off some work whilst I keep checking my thread.

You are not overreacting. You need an explanation from the adults who were caring for your daughter as to how she recieved the injury. Everything should legally be recorded in the accident book.

I have known people remove their dc's from nurseries for less than this. Once you get a niggling doubt its very hard to quash it IYSWIM?

Horrible situation for you, good luck tomorrow.

Really PhantomToiletFlusher. Oh Lord, this is starting to make me feel really ill

DH is going to say I told you so and he'd be right

I never swear on MN so apologies in advance but fuckity fuckity fuck - I've no idea what I'm going to do if they don't sort this out...

Why would he say "I told you so".. Did he not like the nursery before this happened?

If it came to it, is there aany way you could consider another form of childcare? I only ask, because I found my persponal and professional life improved immeasurably when I moved from a nursey to a nanny (although that;s not without its own set of problems)

He is generally much more reserved than me and has been more inclined to run to complain every time something untoward happened e.g. if she had no coat on in the garden when we picked her up, when she got bitten by another toddler about a year ago.

This latest sequence of events has disturbed both of us but it wasn't until the "humping" incident that I actually told the nursery I was concerned. He wanted to complain about the bullying (calling her rubbish etc.) but I stopped him. Now I feel like I shouldn't have...

Oh crap plus I'm getting no work done so I'm going to be in the shit at work tomorrow - double crap

And often, you tend to go on your "gut instincts" more than anything..some times, for some people that instinct is enough to look for a change of care for their dc's (only you know how you feel in this case).

Keep a clear head when you speak to the manager and stick to the facts. They will hopefully be positive and be able to resolve the situation so you are happy again with their care.

Thanks bump - yes I have considered a nanny but it seems v expensive compared to nursery and I'm not sure that would suit her. She loves being with other children and given that she's not really being stretched much, I was thinking of transferring her to a pre-school type nursery and getting an childminder to give wrap around care.

Since I've just changed jobs, I'd put that idea on hold because I didn't want to impose too many changes at once.

I've also thought of getting an au pair instead of a childminder because we're struggling so much with housework/meals during the week while we both work full-time.

BTW, I'm not normally this indecisive [weak smile]

Thanks Phantom - I appreciate your calm voice of reason - my head's a total mess at the mo! I think my instinct is a bit skewed at the moment so I'm not really sure what's for the best anymore. I guess I'll feel clearer when I've tackled this situation and seen what solution they present.

That's true phantomtoiletflusher- when dd was in playgroup and now at nursery, we had to sign an incendent for outlining what happened and how staff dealt with it. Happened with dd twice, very minor things but it felt made me feel very, very secure knowing they took dd's safety to seriously.
Good luck cashncarry, i hope you get this sorted out.

Yes Serendippity - it's been the same for me so far. Every time DD's had a bump or a knock of any sort, it's been in the accident book and we've discussed it. Even the biting incident was handled extremely well I thought.

This is the first time something like this has ever gone unremarked. I quite surprised given that DD says there was a carer present and the lump on her head is quite large and slightly purple so hard to miss.

I would be looking for a new nursery TBH, I do not think that you are overraacting at all. Hope things get sorted soon.

Don't mean to bombard you, and I think the idea of a pre-school plus au-pair is a great one. A nanny is cost-effective if you have more than one child and you could always cost share with another family. But that's a long term decision, and in the short term you need to make some decisions about what haoppens tomorrow. Hopefully, this thread has sgiven you the support to know that you are not over-reacting

And remember...do not apologise for bothering the manager with these issues! (very easy to do, been there and done it myself).

I agree - look for a new nursery - both my ds and dd sent ot nurserires and injuries/bruses etc were treated VERY SERIOUSLY - I also woudl have big concerns over the staff questioning your dd's explanation of events..

I've had 2 very bad experiences of nurseries and its amazing how good you feel when you do move your child.

One nursery was absolutely excellent and the staff were great - this was without doubt was becasue the owners also managed it and worked on-site every day. Thus the staff were happy and motivated.

If I had my time again (ds is 8 and dd is now 6) I would derfinitely go with a nanny ( I had one for a year, but sadly only for dd and not when ds was a toddler).

With hidsight some of the childcare the nurseries offered was appalling - the staff can be very poorly paid and unmotivated.

Sorry for the negativity but I feel really strongly about badly run nurseries.

Thanks bump - not bombarding at all as I'm grateful for your thoughts

I'm a bit reticent about the au pair idea - just a bit worried about the idea of sharing my home plus someone young and inexperienced having sole charge of DD but she's pretty on the ball and old enough that I can rely on her to tell me if anything untoward happens (as this whole incident demonstrates)!

I'm going to look into childminders tomorrow at work (time allowing). I might let DH handle the nursery situation. I think this is a situation where more assertiveness is required than I am capable of. What do you think?

So sorry about the doubts you have about your dd's care. I agree with the other posters, but just wanted to add - the fact your dd is mostly spending time on free play at this age is quite right and how it should be. Please don't worry about that.

Are you both able to go in and meet with her? At least then you will know first hand how the manager dealt with it and what the strategy is to resolve it (I hate getting info off DH..as I like to know all the details/exact words said/facial movements/mannerisms..yes I'm an anal control freak I know!).