3 month old in nursery opinions

[issy2165]

Hi there, first time pregnancy here and I'm looking for peoples advise on putting the baby in nursery at 3 months. I don't want any horrible things said just advise. I only get 6 weeks smp before it drops to £140 a week and me and my partner cannot afford to live on this wage we are high earners and with a mortgage etc it's not possible at all. I don't have any family that I can trust to look after the baby either. I feel like a bad mother already but I want to be able to afford to keep a roof over his/her head! Please help I'm in such a pickle!!

Just thought of something else to factor into your financial planning. You accrue annual leave during maternity leave. So you could use annual leave as well as maternity leave to take a bit longer if you want (as you will get full pay during annual leave). Not that there's anything wrong with going back after 3 months if that's what you want/Need to do. But it's a good idea to consider the options in case you change your mind and want a bit longer.

Namechange most nursery workers are young girls just out of school working towards a childcare qualification. Most don't know the first thing about babies hence why they start out in nurseries and most move on within months as nurseries have an incredibly high staff turnover because working in a nursery is such a shit job.

Sometimes you'll get more mature workers but they are very much in the minority.

FWIW I do agree that a nursery is the better environment as there is generally more than one adult in a room at a time so if anything is amiss this can be picked up by other adults whereas childminders essentially work out of their own homes with no-one to supervise them or raise the alarm if the baby in their care is being neglected or just badly looked after.

But people need to be realistic. Nurseries are businesses not loving childcare settings where everyone wants to provide the loving environment for children, the nursery is there to make money hence why the workers are paid minimum wage and the parents are charged over the odds.

And while many of the young girls perhaps start out in a nursery because they love babies I think that it's safe to say that the delusion is shattered pretty quickly.

I'd start looking at nurseries early. If you want a place at popular ones you sometimes need to get your name down months before you need the place. The day nursery we used for our DC lets you put your baby's name down for the baby room before the baby is born. Most of the babies there started after 6 months old though.

I am in no way nursery bashing but there would have been no way I would have been able to leave my baby at 3 months and I physically would not have been up to it after traumatic birth, sepsis and getting up to feed up my baby 4 times a night.

Look cutting back to the mimimal amount of money you can spend now so you can save as much as you can so you can extend your maternity if you wanted to.

That's why I suggested finding a recommended childminder. Although parents obviously don't know what happens when they're not there, they can still tell whether their children are happy to be left, observe how they respond to the childminder and whether it affects how they behave at home.

I have chosen nursery for DS when he starts at 9 months but if he was younger I would have done my best to find a recommended childminder that we liked.

I understand the need to be realistic but I hope not everyone who works in a nursery thinks it's a shit job! (Although when looking around I did think that I personally would hate to do it!)

Cross posts - I was replying to Loverofcake

Bumwad

According to the government
www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/leave

The earliest you can usually start maternity leave is 11 weeks before the expected week of childbirth. So, from 29 weeks onwards. Unless baby is born before 29 weeks, as maternity leave automatically kicks in as soon as baby is born.

It depends on the nursery. DD went to the most amazing nursery at 5 months (yeah yeah sorry whats it turns out I am literally a terrible mother) and it was great. I worked close enough that for the first month or so I could express at work and leave bottles in the baby room fridge, and feed her after work. I went in early to collect her when I could, she was beautifully looked after, we got electronic updates through the day, and it felt as though the staff loved her as much as we do. At 3yo she is there now (not right now, even I don't leave her there til 10pm) and I can't praise it highly enough.

If you work in central London and want a recommendation for a nursery which has excellent experience with tinies and where my DD is thriving PM me.

Laura

These threads always bring out the anti-nursery brigade, don't they?!

My son went to nursery at 4 months. He was totally fine and is totally fine now nearly 5 years later. Sometimes it’s necessary.

Tbh in this instance I think it's mor the anti leaving a three month old baby in nursery.

If a parent has to go back to work then obviously nurseries have to be a consideration. But I think that people do need to be open-minded to the reality that a nursery is just a business, as is a childminder, and tbh as I've yet to encounter a decent one of those I would never ever use a cm and would opt for a nursery if I had children of childcare age.

But leaving a tiny baby is almost a primal thing, and we as parents want to believe that the people we are leaving them with are people who love them as we would, treat them as we would, when in reality the people doing so are doing it as a job, and finding a decent childcare setting with genuinely loving staff is more a stroke of luck than anything else. But it's not PC to suggest that because people see that as a judgement on their parenting when in fact it's a recognission of the fact that modern life has created businesses which exist by exploiting parents' need to go back to work.

I think you've had some awful replies - mostly from people that have no experience of nurseries!

Mine were in one from 4 month and the other 5 months

My advice would be look round a few and choose one you're really happy with and with a low staff turnover.

Mine are both really happy, confident boys and they still love going, plus as they've always known it we have no clingyness/not wanting to go.

Good luck

I think everyone just has different opinions on how they raise their kids namechange30, so they have different advice to give.

My MIL is a former nursery worker and local authority nursery supervisor. She says she would never, ever put a child younger than 18months into a nursery, not even the best ones she had monitored. Read up on attachment theory OP and how incredibly important it is for a tiny baby to have a stable loving primary carer. In your situation I would downsize and do whatever it took to have me or my DP off work for longer (could you share?) or if I absolutely had to I would use a nanny.

Nursery causes attachment disorder?

HOUSE.

Bear in mind that childcare will be ft over £1k a month- even as higher earners it may break even if you can save between now and when you're back to work- you may get some tax back, also can do childcare vouchers to take edges of Bill- you can start saving these as soon as baby is born

Btw I say that as someone who's kids have been ft since 9mo at nursery

Yeah, I'd suggest you go over to an American forum to get slightly more helpful views OP.

The amount of guilt-tripping and nursery-bashing on this thread is ridiculous. Egads! Nurseries cause attachment disorder? (A rubbish theory that has no proof behind it), and nurseries are all staffed by young women with no experience? (Not in any of the 5 nurseries we've been to this week).

Millions of women around the world go back to work at three months. In France, in India, in the US. Sure, if your circumstances allow and you would like to you can take a lot longer, or choose not to work, but for heavens sakes the ridiculous judgement of mothers who choose to or need to go back to work is unbearable.

Oh well if your MIL says so Chilli....😂

There is no one answer to this question as there are so many different nurseries out there.
My DD went at 3 months of age I own my own business and having a locus whilst I was on maternity leave was costing me thousands of pounds a week.
I found a small family style nursery with very low staff turnover, most staff who were then when DD started we're still there when she left 4.5 years later.
13 years later DD is happy and well adapted. Do I regret my choice not for one moment my business has gone from strength to strength increasing so that I can employ more staff and have a better work life balance now.

Frankly DD needs me more now than she ever did as a baby.

There are some very ignorant things being said on this thread. I work in a nursery, I’m on close to minimum wage but I care deeply about my key children (in fact all the children). I lose sleep at night when they’re unwell, I bring my own children’s toys in for them to play with, I have an attachment with all my key children. I work part time but if a parent needs to see me outside my working hours then I go in.

However, I don’t believe that nursery is appropriate for a 3 month old baby. The adult with have 3 babies to look after, meaning your baby will not get one-to-one care. Yes younger babies adjust more quickly but that’s because their attachment with their parent isn’t as secure as an older baby who has been at home for longer.

In your shoes I’d be doing everything I could to stay home with the baby for as long as possible, or if you absolutely can’t, get a nanny for one-on-one care.

Sorry you are facing this situation OP. Three months is very early to have to go back to work, and doesn’t allow you any flexibility in case you need to start maternity leave early. Just a thought but as this is going to have such a serious impact for you financially and you are a high earner in a male dominated profession could you use it as leverage to negotiate with your employer for an enhanced package on the basis that you will return to work after, say, 6 months? You could give examples of lots of other companies that pay enhanced maternity pay (six months full pay in lots of big corporates and teaching etc., and big law firms often have decent staggered pay e.g. 50% for so long, 25% for so long) and explain that it is a very important policy for attracting and retaining female talent and demonstrating how the company values its female employees (D&I angle there if there aren’t many women in your company). Also with all the gender pay gap stuff going on at the moment the political climate is right. I suggest you write a one page proposal setting out all of this and the impact it will have upon you financially (actually set out your pay vs. SMP and your outgoings). Often the men making these outdated policies simply have no idea. Many of them never had to think about it because they are baby boomers who bought their houses for £5000 that are now worth £500000 and their wives never worked after children. If they value you as an employee which I am sure they do, they should at least be open to such a discussion. It has to be worth a try! The level of SMP is shockingly low and is a disgrace in modern Britain in 2017. I should also add that a friend of mine successfully negotiated with her employers for a better maternity pay package when she was faced with a similar situation to you, so it can be done. Also, another idea that worked for a friend: consider asking if you can work from home for the final couple of weeks, if that’s a possibility in your industry, so you can start maternity leave as late as possible. Good luck OP!

I remember reading a study that said for children under 2 - or possibly 3 I can't remember - the following provide the 'healthiest' environment, from best to worst:

1. parent
2. nanny
3. family e.g. Grandparent
4. childminder
5. nursery

I found it interesting that a nanny was considered better than a grandparent, but as you are high earners I would definitely consider employing a nanny, or otherwise a childminder. I recall the study said that after age 3 a nursery/pre school setting becomes actively beneficial for a child, but not before that.

I'm a ex nursery worker now nanny if I could afford it I would never put my child in a nursery that's under 2. Parents think children benefit from being in a nursery young. But children don't tend to play with each other until 2+. Depending on your job do you need that flexibility that a nanny can provide if you have a last min meeting or need them to travel with you. You do hear horror stories of nannies child minders but I hear a lot about nurseries. One of my previous nurseries was shut down because the staff were caught watching inappropriate videos. You find a good qualified nanny, not one who's here for a few years and has looked after a their sibling only. Then personal that the better option I would say.

MsPassepartout

I was responding to LoverofCakes post:

Also, if you have any pregnancy related complications you may be forced to take your maternity leave early even if the baby hasn't been born yet.

It's not uncommon for people to be signed off on maternity from anything as early as 30/32 weeks and you won't be in a position to leave the baby when it's only a couple of weeks old but your mat leave will start when you leave work.

The above is incorrect

You can NOT be forced to take maternity leave before 36 weeks of pregnancy.

See here:

www.maternityaction.org.uk/advice-2/mums-dads-scenarios/pregnant/sickness-during-pregnancy-and-maternity-leave/