3 month old in nursery opinions

[issy2165]

Hi there, first time pregnancy here and I'm looking for peoples advise on putting the baby in nursery at 3 months. I don't want any horrible things said just advise. I only get 6 weeks smp before it drops to £140 a week and me and my partner cannot afford to live on this wage we are high earners and with a mortgage etc it's not possible at all. I don't have any family that I can trust to look after the baby either. I feel like a bad mother already but I want to be able to afford to keep a roof over his/her head! Please help I'm in such a pickle!!

Sorry to disappoint whats, this high earning career minded woman couldn't manage 6 months at home. Plenty of 3 month olds around the world go to nursery and turn out to be well adjusted adults.

8-6 in a nursery for 5 days a week is brutal for a 3 month old (I have 2 kids and work FT so I know the score). If you can afford it I would opt for a childminder or a nanny so the baby is in a home setting. Think carefully about your working hours and when you would see your baby.

Yay Gads - my babies were in daycare from 4 months and they're both wonderfully well adjusted tiny terrors now.
No adjustment issues, no parental confusion.
Jesus, anyone would think you're leaving them in an institution!!

It's absolutely fine to go back to work for financial reasons. I did. It's also fine to go back to work for your sanity. I did that too. But let's not claim/pretend that having a 3 month old spend 50 hours a week in an institutionalised setting is somehow beneficial for them. If it's what you have to do, you have to do it.

I don't think anyone is claiming it's beneficial but equally I don't think it's actively harmful.

In all honesty I wouldn't if it could at all be avoided, no. It's not about being a "bad mother" and obviously plenty of families do this particularly in the US, we are all trying to do what is best within the limitations of our circumstances, most of us make compromises on our ideals as parents.
However babies normally have a primary caregiver and the close familiar relationship is important to their development, to how they feel safe and learn about relationships and attachments. I think that is really important to prioritise, as do many psychologists.

If you do have to return at 3 months I would prioritise finding one warm consistent carer, rather than an environment where lots of people are sharing baby's care. If it is a nursery, one where baby will have lots of attention and cuddles from their keyworker, and their key worker will be there when baby is (a friend said her baby was in nursery for longer hours then their keyworjer, and was only happy when keyworker was there, and would cry for all the hours they weren't there for several months). I think a good Nanny or Childminder would be preferable.

However I have to say that I find it a bit worrying that you are both high earners and yet can't afford any more time off. Do you have savings? Spare money at the end of the month? What happens if you have to start mat leave early due to pregnancy complications, or aren't ready to return to work at 3 months, or need to take leave for child sickness or Nanny quitting or one of you loses your job? It all sounds a bit tight tbh, obviously lots of lower income families don't have the option to save, but as high earners bit worrying if you can't. How huge is your mortgage? Other expenses? In your shoes I would downsize, move to a cheaper area, reduce my expenses somehow, because I think the pressure to both be earning with a little baby and no leeway is v stressful, and I'd rather have a worse house and less financial pressure.

Babies derive their security from familiar people not houses. Obviously ending up actually homeless would be terrible for baby, but as high earners I'm assuming that isn't the alternative, and there is an option of more affordable housing, which in your shoes I would take.

You could speak to your mortgage company and see if can lower payments for a few months?

A 3 month old does not give a shit where it is as long as it's being fed and cuddled enough by someone. 10mth olds are a lot harder to settle and leave. So just find a nursery where you are happy with their set up and you trust them. You could as people say, get a childminder or nanny. I always went with nanny and went back full time from 3 months the first baby, 6 weeks second baby and 4 weeks third baby. But my set up was coming and going from home for meetings and a sharp start and stop of work 9-5pm so nanny worked really well for me. I had a fabulous nanny in London for a year and now an even more amazing one in another country for the last 3 yrs. She's part of the family and ive zero concerns about her taking baby#4 at 4 weeks when I go back this time. Though as I said I work from home so am around.

OP both you and your baby will be absolutely fine. You won't miss anything and the first steps etc. you see will mean the world to you. It's very likely you'll see the very first steps anyway as you play about in the evenings and weekends (and when baby refuses to sleep at night).

If I had to go back at 3 months personally I’d choose a nanny but if you can’t afford more than 3 months maternity leave I’d wonder if you could afford a nanny. I guess it depends what ‘high earner’ means in this context as I’m surprised two high earners can’t afford to have longer off.

"Did you not consider any of this before becoming pregnant?"

Congratulations on the most pointless and least helpful post!

OP, in your position I would try and get recommendations for a childminder. If you look at childcare.co.uk you can search for childminders near you and reviews people have left. But personal recommendations are even better if you can get them.

In your position I would try and find a good childminder, but if you can't find one I think a good nursery would be fine.

I also think Hopelessly has made some good points about finances - can you review your income and expenditure, cut down expenditure where possible and build up a safety net? In case of unforeseen things like illness or redundancy.

Honestly I'd be more worried about you than them... both of mine have been horrendous sleepers and I would have found it impossible to work safely. Also don't assume that you'll be able to express if you wanted to breastfeed. I've exclusively fed all my babies until they were at least 2 but I was never able to express more than a few mils

My eldest went to nursery full time from 3months because 17years ago maternity pay was for 18weeks. She was overdue so I had 14weeks before she went back. It was pretty common for 3 or 4month olds to be in nursery then.

It was fine, she was fine, as previous posters said they settle well at that age - far easier than dc2 who started at 11months (9years later when maternity pay and leave had improved)

Let's not pretend that a baby benefits from being left in a nursery for ten hours a day five days a week. It doesn't. The only people who benefit are the parents who need to maintain their high incomes and big mortgage.

Most babies don't go into nurseries until at least six months old, and if you're going to leave your baby all day every day when it's so young it will adapt to the nursery's routine and not yours, plus you'll barely see him/her from monday to Friday as he'll likely be in bed within minutes of you arriving home.

Added to which if you have the baby prematurely you will have to put an adjusted aged baby into nursery or alternatively if the baby is born late (often up to two weeks for a first baby) you'll be putting a ten week old in nursery who will only have had its first lot of injections.

Also, if you have any pregnancy related complications you may be forced to take your maternity leave early even if the baby hasn't been born yet.

It's not uncommon for people to be signed off on maternity from anything as early as 30/32 weeks and you won't be in a position to leave the baby when it's only a couple of weeks old but your mat leave will start when you leave work.

These are all things you need to consider, and honestly, I would just tighten your belts now and wouldn't even consider going back to work until the baby's at least six months old.

Agree with loverofcake

It will be easier for the baby to settle in a nursery at 3 months than at 12 months

You need to do some research on attachment op. A childminder or nanny will enable your baby to form attachment to one consistent carer. A nursery won't. Those first few months and years are absolutely crucial -.do some research and see what conclusions you come to then.

conserveisposhforjam - but surely that depends on the nursery chosen?

I live in a different country so perhaps daycare facilities here have a lower turnover of staff, but both my boys, born 2 1/2 years apart had the same baby nanny (she was one of 5 baby nannies that had a ratio of 2:1) - DS1 loved her so much, her name was his first word (I wasn't insulted, he flat out refused to say mama until he was 16 months, choosing to say Dada, nana, Elvis, ball, boo etc ahead of mama).

Even better if you can find a daycare facility close to your place of work so you can drop in during the day and/or get there for a nursing session. I know a number of people who work in central London who did this. The only thing that matters is that you are comfortable with the facility you choose. Sure it would be lovely to stay home for a year, but it wasn't an option where I live and it's not an option for OP. And honestly, at 3-4 months old, they don't give a shiny rat's ass where the milk/cuddle/pamper change is coming from. They only care that they're getting them.

If the OP doesn't want to use a childminder or nanny, then daycare is a perfectly wonderful alternative. Both of mine were settled into a fantastic routine which carried over at home. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, my kids both cried when they left and had to go to pre-school.

@Strokethefurrywall no the ratio in nurseries in the UK is three babies to one adult when they're under one, with most nurseries being so under staffed that there is very unlikely to be the possibility of a three month old being cuddled all day. In fact at three months the OP's baby will be the youngest by miles and the likelihood is that the nursery workers will need to spend more time with the more interactive babies who may be crawling or even on their way to walking while OP's baby will essentially be a newborn still.

Also, OP says that her income will drop to £140 a week on SMP but putting a baby in nursery full-time for five days a week is likely to cost at least £50 a day if not more so we're only talking £100 a week more than OP would be earning on SMP but still £1000 a month which presumes that the OP must have a hell of a disposable income.

And honestly, when you have children you live to your means. Obviously the OP may need to go back to work at some point but if their outgoings are so high they can spend £1000 plus on childcare from three months as well as afford their huge mortgage there have to be ways to cut their outgoings for three months at least so this doesn't have to happen.

OP visit CM's and nurseries and you will get a feeling for what is right. If you can afford it though, I'd get a nanny for a tiny baby.

Stroke it definitely depends on the nursery, the ratio is higher I think in the UK and tbh if a mother struggles with attending to twins or triplets how on earth is a stranger going to manage? We have to factor in nurseries are businesses, there to make money first and foremost, people very close to minimum wage will not be invested in any child. Some (rarely) may have a genuine bond but that is incredibly rare as they simply don't have the time with paperwork and three separate routines to manage.

LoverofCake you are incorrect by law maternity leave can not start earlier than 36 weeks

(Agree with the rest of those post though)

I'd agree with AliPfefferman on preferring a nursery over a CM or individual nanny. Looking after newborns is "boring" and one of my acquaintances discovered their nanny was spending most of the morning drinking and then sleeping and only cleaning up in time for their return from work rather than actually caring for the newborn. Thankfully they lived in a condo and the door staff noticed a sudden pickup in vodka bottles being chucked out and odd behaviour and reported her (this was in the US). Nurseries near us all take babies in at 3 mos although it does mean you and your partner need to work around pick up and drop offs.

Advice
"people very close to minimum wage will not be invested in any child"
What a nasty and ignorant thing to say. I would argue the opposite, a nursery worker is hardly doing it for the money, they do it because they love babies and toddlers. If they wanted an easy minimum wage job there are other options!!

Am guessing the law's changed then as when I was pg it was 30 weeks iirc or even 28, with illness after I think it was 28 weeks being considered the start of mat leave.

At any rate I went on mat leave at 34 weeks... but that was fifteen years ago.

And my sil went on mat leave at 32 weeks with twins and that was only six years ago.