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Nurseries

3 month old in nursery opinions

87 replies

issy2165 · 11/10/2017 18:50

Hi there, first time pregnancy here and I'm looking for peoples advise on putting the baby in nursery at 3 months. I don't want any horrible things said just advise. I only get 6 weeks smp before it drops to £140 a week and me and my partner cannot afford to live on this wage we are high earners and with a mortgage etc it's not possible at all. I don't have any family that I can trust to look after the baby either. I feel like a bad mother already but I want to be able to afford to keep a roof over his/her head! Please help I'm in such a pickle!!

OP posts:
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MessyBun247 · 13/10/2017 08:06

At 12 weeks a baby won't even have completed their vaccines, would it not be better to wait until after the 16 week ones if possible. And yes, if you are sure you want to use a nursery make sure the baby room has a small number of babies. I worked in one that was at full capacity (and 1 staff per 3 babies) and it was chaotic and quite stressful at times for both staff and babies.

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RidingMyBike · 13/10/2017 07:58

OP a friend of mine had to put hers in childcare at six weeks as she couldn't afford any longer off work - the baby was absolutely fine (and is now a lovely, well balanced, well attached eight year old), it was more of a problem for her as she'd had a c section and wasn't driving again by that time which made the commute very difficult.

Also, we decided against using a childminder for ours because of no backup if something goes wrong - another friend's CM fainted whilst holding her baby and there was no other adult around. A decent nursery will have a keyworker system so that your child builds up a relationship with one or two people.

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MissJSays · 12/10/2017 23:19

People are talking about attachment...
OP when looking for nurseries make sure you ask about their key person system and when baby starts make sure you stress that where possible you would like their key person to be the one feeding, changing, cuddling and interacting with baby. Multiple indiscriminate care can be a problem in nurseries, less so in a small baby room with just 1 or 2 staff members though.

Little boy I mentioned in my PP is an absolute delight with fantastic primary attachments to his mum and dad, and close secondary attachments to his brother, grandparents and key person at nursery.

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MissJSays · 12/10/2017 23:10

I am a nursery nurse and the youngest baby we’ve ever had was 6 weeks old. He was in full time Monday to Friday 8-6, he is now a delightful, chatty, funny 4 year old. He has fantastic relationships with most of the staff members and with the other children. We recently had a 12 week old baby settling in the baby room and she’s done fantastically well too.
It’s all about finding a nursery that you love, go and visit some and spend time talking with the staff in the baby room.
I’d personally prefer to put my child in a nursery as apposed to using a childminder or nanny because there is more than just one or two practitioners around. I think this is even more important when your baby is non verbal and can not communicate for themselves yet. Thats just my opinion though!

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chillipopcorn1 · 12/10/2017 22:53

‘Nursery causes attachment disorder’

Not quite what I said - but being removed from your primary carer at 12 WEEKS OLD and placed with a rotation of strangers who have other babies to tend to as well isn’t ideal for attachment. Obviously. Many people choose nursery for their babies and I think for older children they provide fantastic stimulating environments. The vast majority don’t put newborns in nurseries because they need one primary carer.

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RidingMyBike · 12/10/2017 20:23

Have a look round some nurseries - the one we use takes babies from six weeks old and has a lovely cosy baby room with at least four members of staff always there - max. of eight babies. They were keen to follow her/our routine and the babies were constantly being cuddled and held if they wanted it. We particularly looked out for a nursery that employed older men and women as well as younger ones, and for one that retained staff long term.

DD didn't start until 12 months but I'd have been very happy for her to have gone there earlier - they all had a keyworker so built up a great relationship with a particular person.

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Heatherbell1978 · 12/10/2017 15:48

I'm a big fan of nurseries - my DS started at 10 months and has thrived. But I wouldn't put a 3 month old in. I'm on mat leave with 7 month old now and she feels too young still. I assume this is your first? Trust me at 3 months the last thing you will probably want to do is go back to work. You'll be absolutely knackered. I appreciate you may not have a choice and if that's the case I do sympathise but your comment about being high earners sounds like there should be options. Mortgage break, saving etc.

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LateNight · 12/10/2017 15:29

Also if you can, try to keep your options open, as you might change your mind after the baby arrives. I personally changed my mind twice about when to return to work and leave my DS with someone else.

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LateNight · 12/10/2017 14:51

I logged in to ask for advice myself (again related to nurseries but for an 18 month old) when I noticed this and thought I'd share my bit of experience.

It's a tough situation to be in. If you really have no choice and have to return to work after 3 months, then you just have to do what you have to do, regardless of what a bunch of strangers say online.

You've probably checked this already, but I'll state the obvious just in case. If you're both high earners, have you checked whether your employers top up the regular maternity/parental leave for the first 6 months to match your usual salary? A lot of companies do that.

I personally wouldn't put my 3 month old in a nursery. At this age a baby needs him mum and lots of cuddles and attention, someone responding to their cries and every need. I'm not convinced a carer in a nursery looking after 2 other children will do that well.

Can you take a couple of months maternity until he/she is at least 6 months old? When they start becoming more mobile and more aware of the world around them, they can at least entertain themselves to a degree while their key worker is looking after the other babies, so there will be less crying. But again, I have no actual experience with the baby room in a nursery, just the experience of looking after one baby at home and that can be a handful! ;)

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MsPassepartout · 12/10/2017 14:30

Bumwad that makes more sense, I was thinking you meant any maternity leave at all before 36 weeks (including women choosing to start maternity leave before then).

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Bluebellwoods123 · 12/10/2017 14:12

You might not feel ready/fit enough to go back to work full time as it takes time to recover from pregnancy and birth especially if birth isn't as straight forward as you've hoped for ( I do hope you have a straight forward birth).

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BumWad · 12/10/2017 14:01

Just re-read my earlier post. I of course meant maternity leave due to sickness Smile

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BumWad · 12/10/2017 14:00

MsPassepartout

I was responding to LoverofCakes post:

Also, if you have any pregnancy related complications you may be forced to take your maternity leave early even if the baby hasn't been born yet.

It's not uncommon for people to be signed off on maternity from anything as early as 30/32 weeks and you won't be in a position to leave the baby when it's only a couple of weeks old but your mat leave will start when you leave work.

The above is incorrect

You can NOT be forced to take maternity leave before 36 weeks of pregnancy.

See here:

www.maternityaction.org.uk/advice-2/mums-dads-scenarios/pregnant/sickness-during-pregnancy-and-maternity-leave/

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Yerazig · 12/10/2017 13:42

I'm a ex nursery worker now nanny if I could afford it I would never put my child in a nursery that's under 2. Parents think children benefit from being in a nursery young. But children don't tend to play with each other until 2+. Depending on your job do you need that flexibility that a nanny can provide if you have a last min meeting or need them to travel with you. You do hear horror stories of nannies child minders but I hear a lot about nurseries. One of my previous nurseries was shut down because the staff were caught watching inappropriate videos. You find a good qualified nanny, not one who's here for a few years and has looked after a their sibling only. Then personal that the better option I would say.

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CaptainsCat · 12/10/2017 10:42

I remember reading a study that said for children under 2 - or possibly 3 I can't remember - the following provide the 'healthiest' environment, from best to worst:

  1. parent
  2. nanny
  3. family e.g. Grandparent
  4. childminder
  5. nursery

    I found it interesting that a nanny was considered better than a grandparent, but as you are high earners I would definitely consider employing a nanny, or otherwise a childminder. I recall the study said that after age 3 a nursery/pre school setting becomes actively beneficial for a child, but not before that.
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reluctantlondoner · 12/10/2017 08:55

Sorry you are facing this situation OP. Three months is very early to have to go back to work, and doesn’t allow you any flexibility in case you need to start maternity leave early. Just a thought but as this is going to have such a serious impact for you financially and you are a high earner in a male dominated profession could you use it as leverage to negotiate with your employer for an enhanced package on the basis that you will return to work after, say, 6 months? You could give examples of lots of other companies that pay enhanced maternity pay (six months full pay in lots of big corporates and teaching etc., and big law firms often have decent staggered pay e.g. 50% for so long, 25% for so long) and explain that it is a very important policy for attracting and retaining female talent and demonstrating how the company values its female employees (D&I angle there if there aren’t many women in your company). Also with all the gender pay gap stuff going on at the moment the political climate is right. I suggest you write a one page proposal setting out all of this and the impact it will have upon you financially (actually set out your pay vs. SMP and your outgoings). Often the men making these outdated policies simply have no idea. Many of them never had to think about it because they are baby boomers who bought their houses for £5000 that are now worth £500000 and their wives never worked after children. If they value you as an employee which I am sure they do, they should at least be open to such a discussion. It has to be worth a try! The level of SMP is shockingly low and is a disgrace in modern Britain in 2017. I should also add that a friend of mine successfully negotiated with her employers for a better maternity pay package when she was faced with a similar situation to you, so it can be done. Also, another idea that worked for a friend: consider asking if you can work from home for the final couple of weeks, if that’s a possibility in your industry, so you can start maternity leave as late as possible. Good luck OP!

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shockshockhorror · 12/10/2017 08:20

There are some very ignorant things being said on this thread. I work in a nursery, I’m on close to minimum wage but I care deeply about my key children (in fact all the children). I lose sleep at night when they’re unwell, I bring my own children’s toys in for them to play with, I have an attachment with all my key children. I work part time but if a parent needs to see me outside my working hours then I go in.

However, I don’t believe that nursery is appropriate for a 3 month old baby. The adult with have 3 babies to look after, meaning your baby will not get one-to-one care. Yes younger babies adjust more quickly but that’s because their attachment with their parent isn’t as secure as an older baby who has been at home for longer.

In your shoes I’d be doing everything I could to stay home with the baby for as long as possible, or if you absolutely can’t, get a nanny for one-on-one care.

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Lonecatwithkitten · 12/10/2017 07:53

There is no one answer to this question as there are so many different nurseries out there.
My DD went at 3 months of age I own my own business and having a locus whilst I was on maternity leave was costing me thousands of pounds a week.
I found a small family style nursery with very low staff turnover, most staff who were then when DD started we're still there when she left 4.5 years later.
13 years later DD is happy and well adapted. Do I regret my choice not for one moment my business has gone from strength to strength increasing so that I can employ more staff and have a better work life balance now.
Frankly DD needs me more now than she ever did as a baby.

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KarateKitten · 12/10/2017 00:48

Oh well if your MIL says so Chilli....😂

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ZaphodBeeblerox · 12/10/2017 00:35

Yeah, I'd suggest you go over to an American forum to get slightly more helpful views OP.

The amount of guilt-tripping and nursery-bashing on this thread is ridiculous. Egads! Nurseries cause attachment disorder? (A rubbish theory that has no proof behind it), and nurseries are all staffed by young women with no experience? (Not in any of the 5 nurseries we've been to this week).

Millions of women around the world go back to work at three months. In France, in India, in the US. Sure, if your circumstances allow and you would like to you can take a lot longer, or choose not to work, but for heavens sakes the ridiculous judgement of mothers who choose to or need to go back to work is unbearable.

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NewBallsPlease00 · 11/10/2017 23:39

Btw I say that as someone who's kids have been ft since 9mo at nursery

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NewBallsPlease00 · 11/10/2017 23:38

Bear in mind that childcare will be ft over £1k a month- even as higher earners it may break even if you can save between now and when you're back to work- you may get some tax back, also can do childcare vouchers to take edges of Bill- you can start saving these as soon as baby is born

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LauraMipsum · 11/10/2017 23:27

Nursery causes attachment disorder?

HOUSE.

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chillipopcorn1 · 11/10/2017 22:22

My MIL is a former nursery worker and local authority nursery supervisor. She says she would never, ever put a child younger than 18months into a nursery, not even the best ones she had monitored. Read up on attachment theory OP and how incredibly important it is for a tiny baby to have a stable loving primary carer. In your situation I would downsize and do whatever it took to have me or my DP off work for longer (could you share?) or if I absolutely had to I would use a nanny.

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Mama234 · 11/10/2017 21:59

I think everyone just has different opinions on how they raise their kids namechange30, so they have different advice to give.

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