Nursery demanding 3 year old walk into nursery as opposed to being held...

[BelleBoyd]

My DS likes to be held when he goes into nursery. Otherwise he's really independent -not clingy at all. It's just when we get to the nursery door he wants me to hold him and then I give him a hug and kiss and usually is fine..sometimes not and cries and then his keyworker has to take him from me.
It really annoys me though that they are now demanding he walks in.
This morning the nursery manager told me to put him down and for me to walk in while she held him back crying and then he ran to me inside still crying. What's the point? He's 3.
I only hold him for a couple of minutes.

"You're paying them, they are your employees"

WTF? Utter rubbish! you are paying for a service provided by a nursery not for the staff individually...

It sounds like the op is clinging to their child on drop off and the nursery wants to create more independence

Once your DS is happy and feels settled at the nursery (which he obviously doesn't currently), he will be able to walk in.

They are wrong. A child will only move on development -wise if they're feeling secure. They should be working to ways to foster his feelings of security in their care.

For those saying he will be at school next year, that's not the point.
The point is that the nursery can suggest things but to insist, when a child is overtly becoming upset with their methods, but that would be a reason I would be reconsidering whether that's the right nursery for your DS.

I work in a nursery and we're happy to let the parents carry the child in if needs be but once in they are encouraged to come and play. If they don't we do a 'grab and run', we take the child and the parent scarpers out the door, we do shout after them to phone if they want. Tbh I don't see what their issue is.

The point is that he needs to learn to follow rules and not upset other kids. Both my boys were absolutely fine running into nursery from the first day they went there, but my youngest saw mothers pandering to clingy kids and after a few weeks decided this was what he'd do as well. Honestly, the nursery knows what it's doing, let them get on with their jobs.

I'm a nursery worker and it sounds as if they are trying to promote independence. Although they should have dealt with it slightly more professionally. I am also preggers so carrying a 3 year old isn't advisable. And yes also health and safety issue :)

I'd just say no I'll carry him in thank you.
He will go to school one day, but not today.

Put the blinkin' child down.
Carrying a 3 year old in to nursery is not appropriate. Babies are carried. Children have functioning legs for a reason. Quick kiss and hug goodbye and off you go. Stop making it such a overly emotional trauma for everyone.
As others have said, their nursery, there rules. Don't like them? Go elsewhere. You'll be hard pushed to find a nursery that doesn't promote age appropriate independence, which is what it sounds like this nursery is doing.

Hello! Early Years teacher here. Part of the Early Years framework, under Personal, Social and Emotional development, there is a section about children being able to separate from parents and carers easily. They are probably just trying to identify that gap in his development so far and support him in making that step.

It is hard as a mum, but harder still as a teacher or early years practitioner who needs to collect evidence of their achievements in order to do their job with resistant parents who baby their children for too long. Try to co operate - he's still your baby boy, just growing up a little.

My kids are 3.5 and 2, littlest has just started preschool one day a week with his big brother. On the days that just the eldest goes we will walk him there and back, with the youngest either walking with a bit of carrying depending on the time, in the sling or in the buggy. If I have to wake him from his nap he sometimes also still has his dummy when we collect big brother. However, on the one morning that ds2 also attends the preschool he walks all the way, no carrying, no buggy, no dummy, he likes being a big boy like the other kids and I encourage this, there are other kids there that are babied and they are the ones that struggle when the parents leave. I was actually a little bit upset that he has not once in 8 weeks shed a tear!

This sounds like it could easily be in the nursery I teach in!

There is one little boy who is like this, sometimes very upset in the morning when he gets dropped off. We have noticed that on some days he will happily walk in, but it is the days that he is carried in that he starts to get upset.
We have asked the mother to try and encourage him to walk in, not because we are being mean or because we think that he shouldn't have a cuddle, but just because of our observations. In fact, we always encourage to give whoever is dropping off a kiss and a big cuddle first and then say bye, so it's not a case of no cuddles and expecting them to act like mini adults!

Your child your decision. It's not for them to dictate what you must do with your child

It's their nursery, and up to them if they choose not to accept parents who think that the rules don't apply to them. Our nursery head was extremely unpopular when she started because she was a real stickler for rules and boundaries. The ones who disliked her were the ones who thought for some reason that the rules put in place to keep their kids happy, safe and settled didn't apply to them and took the piss.

OP, cuddles are lovely, of course they are, but he needs to learn to walk in and give you a cuddle and a kiss and say bye. Carrying him in is just holding him back from learning how to feel secure somewhere, which is a perfectly normal part of growing up.

I am so cross reading this! He's 3!!! Bloody big boy my arse! If you are still carrying him into juniors or secondary school then fair enough but at nursery he's your baby and if you and he enjoy a cuddle then do it! How dare nursery tell you whether you can carry your child! He's your child!!!! Grrr! Xxx

I sometimes carried until they were 4-5 but I can see their point. I would have been embarrassed to carry a 3 year old into nursery. It is good practice for becoming independent.

The trouble with just reading the stuff here is that:

• some children will be more clingy because of how they are being treated

whereas

• other children are treated differently because they are more clingy

and without knowing the people involved it isn't possible to tell which is which.

Could it also be a safety aspect? It's probably busy at drop off and lots of children's heads at the level of the carried child's feet. It's not easy to see small children darting about when you're carrying a 3 yr old.

Surely you can reach a compromise? A big goodbye hug and leading him in by the hand?

Gosh some of the comments on here are ridiculous. He is 3, let him have a little cuddle with his mum. He is obviously very attached to mum, hence why he cries as he misses her. They are only little once and will have plenty of time to become completely "independent"

What is the point of these nursery schools anyway? Just a bloody business.

This thread makes me really sad. He's three. Still really small. I don't think some carrying is inappropriate. I'd look for another nursery in the OP's shoes.

Oh ffs! He's your child - he's 3 years old, he is NOT "a big boy" he's a little tot - he's entitled to be a little tot for as long as you and he see fit. You don't sound like a mum who is suppressing his independence, you sound as if you understand his attachment needs and are prepared to take the time it needs for him to separate in his own time. You are absolutely right to do this - tell them (and all the other critical parents) to take a running jump! As for going to school soon - if he is a summerborn ie. between April 1st and August 31st you are under no legal obligation to send him to school until the September following his 5th birthday. They all start school far too young in this country anyway - no wonder we have stressed children and teenagers with mental health problems! Do what your own instincts dictate and ignore the dictatorial, bossy staff and pushy mums!

some children will be more clingy because of how they are being treated

I've cared for dozens of toddlers and pre-schoolers over the years and I can honestly say I have ever noticed a parent making a child more clingy by cuddling them. If they are ready to be independent they just wriggle away and get on with it.

There is a culture of judging parents in our education system that I think is quite toxic at times. The vast majority know their children well and respond instinctively entirely appropriately to their needs.

They do not need someone else telling them when it is appropriate to carry their small child and children certainly do not need to be restrained outside a room while their mother walks in just to demonstrate that they are capable of walking. Distressing children in this way isn't supporting their independence in any way. Quite the opposite in fact.

There is one little boy who is like this, sometimes very upset in the morning when he gets dropped off. We have noticed that on some days he will happily walk in, but it is the days that he is carried in that he starts to get upset.

But which came first? How do you know? It seems entirely likely that on days when he is more upset at the prospect at nursery he needs the comfort of being carried.

@goldmandra I totally disagree. As an Early Years teacher, I see plenty of children who appear to have attachment issues only for it to become entirely apparent that the issue is with parents not being ready to physically and emotionally let go.
Plenty of parents make their children more clingy by infantilising them- carrying them in and then prolonged cuddles and goodbyes and endless kisses... and then more hugs, more kisses, "mummy / daddy really must go now, just one more cuddle then". Cue more prolonged hugs, kisses... tears as their child grips a little tighter on to their parents coats.
It drives us demented at our setting and have banned parents beyond the door unless they're invited in. It's all far to distressing and disruptive to the other children.
The majority of children stop once their parent is out of sight, some take a minute or two and once, just once a boy cried full on, for 1/2 an hour. Clearly he had some real attachment issues and we worked with his mum for a staged induction.

DD will happily walk in to nursery some days while others she is desperate to be carried and wants me to transfer her from my arms to one of the key workers' arms. This reassures her and in 5 mins she's happily going about her day. She's three. I don't mind it, nursery don't mind it.

I see plenty of children who appear to have attachment issues only for it to become entirely apparent that the issue is with parents not being ready to physically and emotionally let go.

Maybe the parents and children would feel more ready to let go if they felt that staff were a little less judgemental.

I think there's a real difference here between attachment parenting and parents who want to force their children towards independence.

I suppose it's a question of which approach you prefer. Personally I think a 3 year old is still tiny and it's not unreasonable to have a cuddle as you walk in. Each child is different and they react in different ways at each age. Toddlers haven't read guidelines and policies and have no idea of what milestones they're supposed to have reached.

It may be that the nursery staff have a valid point and perhaps it would be useful to have a chat about their reasons for the advice. Ultimately though, do what's right for you and your child.

I have to say, I'm very glad my children's carers don't try to enforce some of the behaviours some of you are encouraging.