Nursery demanding 3 year old walk into nursery as opposed to being held...

[BelleBoyd]

My DS likes to be held when he goes into nursery. Otherwise he's really independent -not clingy at all. It's just when we get to the nursery door he wants me to hold him and then I give him a hug and kiss and usually is fine..sometimes not and cries and then his keyworker has to take him from me.
It really annoys me though that they are now demanding he walks in.
This morning the nursery manager told me to put him down and for me to walk in while she held him back crying and then he ran to me inside still crying. What's the point? He's 3.
I only hold him for a couple of minutes.

it's their responsibility to ensure that the child's development is at the appropriate level.

It's their job to provide the environment that enables the child to develop to the level that is appropriate to them. It isn't their job to decide to reduce that a parent cannot carry their own child or say goodbye in the way that works for them.

Forcing independence is unhelpful, unnecessary and usually about the practitioner feeling the need to be in control.

Supporting and enabling independence is crucial, very different from forcing it and what decent early years practitioners do.

Children are programmed to make progress towards independence all by themselves. The more secure they feel that the support and affection is freely available, the more easily they move away from it when that is developmentally appropriate for them.

I would never presume to tell a parent not to carry their three year old. I would, however, be ready to take that child from the parent crouched down to their level, offering support and distraction to help them both if the child was reluctant.

Holding him back to force you to walk in without him so he has to run to you crying is unkind, unnecessary and likely to make it hard for him to settle, not easier.

Next time just say cheerfully what you intend to do, e.g. "I'll carry DS in as usual and I'll hand him over to you on the floor when you're ready to take him."

I'd say that having to prise him off you is going to make it more traumatic and then makes the nursery staff (with whom he spends his day and hours feel safe) seem like the baddies. I can see why it is better for them not to be viewed as the meanies who drag him away from his mummy. I know it's hard when they cry but it will help him if you can find a way to drop him off without feeling so torn. Could one of his friends come to greet him in the morning? My DD always went in without a fuss if one of her friends was already there and beckoning her to play.

*and should feel safe

Don't be bullied.

This is possibly the most ridiculous use of the term bullied I've ever seen on MN. And I've seen a lot of ridiculous uses of the term.

A nursery asking you to put your 3 year old down and have him walk in himself is not bullying. Nor is it necessarily a stupid rule. Like all institutions, nurseries have rules and procedures to ensure they run smoothly; and early years practitioners are unlikely to be suggesting it to be petty or to annoy the OP. If you want 'my child, my rules' you need to employ a nanny - and one who is happy to follow those rules at that.

From her own description, it doesn't sound like it's helping him to settle into nursery each morning. The suggestion of crouching down to cuddle him and then letting him walk in is probably a good one.

Unless he has sn why you carrying him in.

I work in a nursery and, for the sake of not hurting myself, the only children I will carry are those who are not yet walking. Of course, I will sit and cuddle a child on my lap but I won't take an older, struggling child out of a parents' arms at the entrance door. Why should you expect staff to have to carry children who can walk? I have seen parents carry schoolchildren from their car through the car park. It's ridiculous but if they want to hurt their own backs, it's their business. As soon as the door is closed, the children usually stop crying anyway.

I work in a nursery and I think they are just trying to promote his independence. He will slowly get used to it..just praise him when he does.

parent's not parents'

Can you start working towards walking in holding his hand? Maybe have a practice at home walking into the house holding hands and tell him how lovely it is to hold his hand and big it up? Demanding independence often doesn't work too well, but gradually working towards a new way of going into nursery might be do-able?

He is 3!! Not a baby or even a toddler .Why on earth is he being carried ?

If all he needs is to be carried through a door to settle then why not! He is 3! He is not going to want to be carried through the door forever, come next term I'm sure he will be running into his classroom with his friends.

I do think you should put him down inside because you can't expect every member of staff to be able to take your LO from you.

Our nursery have the same rule for the pre-school room which DD joined just before her 3rd birthday - children are expected to say goodbye to mum/dad with a hug/kiss/whatever at the door and then walk in carrying their bag, take it to their peg, take off their shoes and put on their slippers. Parents are not allowed over the threshold!

It took a few weeks for DD to adjust to the new routine (in the baby/toddler rooms parents come in and help hang up bags/take off shoes) but she quickly got it and now loves being able to be "a big girl".

They need to learn some independence, and getting them used to walking in on their own now will be a god send when they start school and it's second nature.

There just would not of been space for every parent to carry their child into my daughters nursery and door procedures were very tight due to one child having a parental custody problem. I don't think it's quite as cut and dry as you're seeing it, there's lots of reasons for this. Also he's 3 and imo too big to be expecting other people to carry or take from you.

DDs' nursery had a rule that parents had to say goodbye at the door, parents not allowed into the room - otherwise the room gets full of parents and results in mild chaos.

He's a big boy now-he's 3?!? My 9 year old still wants a kiss and hug at the school door every single day.
Forcing a child to do something they're not ready to do doesn't benefit them- I've had several regressions with my 3 kids after trying to push them to do something too early. There are other, kinder, more child focused ways to promote independence.

This makes me really sad. My two and a half year old still clings to me like a limpet when I take him in to nursery, and cries too. The wonderful staff at his nursery take him off me straight away, I say the quickest of goodbyes and they distracted him. He stops crying almost immediately, every single time. He's then fine for the rest of the day, and happily tells me about all the things he's been doing when I pick him up. If he had to walk in, he would become hysterical and be much harder to calm. I've discussed it with the staff and none of us know why he does this, but at no point have they said I need to force him to do anything differently.

The most revealing part of your post is, in my opinion, that his key worker has to 'take him away from me'. I have been a childminder for close to 10 years and I can see why this is not a good situation for the child and for the key worker. It really is a situation that you should try to resolve, working together with the nursery worker and not against them. You should be able to encourage in a very positive way your child to hold your hand. Make up a secret handshake if you want. Go down on one knee and give him a big bear hug if you want. Just don't expect a nursery worker to have to peal him off you. It's a very negative way to start the day.

I carry my two year old into the nursery building, put him down and he helps me put his stuff on his peg which is past the gate into his room. I then pick him up and give him a big squeezy cuddle and kiss and tell him to have lots of fun. I put him down again and he 'helps' me open the gate into his room then he walks in. I tell the staff that he's all fine or a bit grumpy, snotty, etc then I wave as I walk back through the gate.

I carry him into the building as I have a very short window to get him dropped off. I have 15 minutes from his start at 8.30 to my older son needing to be in his classroom a 5ish minute drive away. If I had loads of time in the morning, he would walk in by himself. He always walks out with me at pick-up. We do almost the opposite, I go into the room, pick up for a cuddle and quick handover, put down walk out of room, collect bag and leave.

Goldmandra, the voice of reason:

"It's their job to provide the environment that enables the child to develop to the level that is appropriate to them."

"Supporting and enabling independence is crucial, very different from forcing it and what decent early years practitioners do."

"Children are programmed to make progress towards independence all by themselves.
The more secure they feel that the support and affection is freely available, the more easily they move away from it when that is developmentally appropriate for them."

This is why I'm glad my child won't go to school until he's 6. Big boy? He's fucking THREE!

Some parents do encourage dependence. And sometimes staff have to try and encourage independence.Part of their role is to prepare children for school.

We are not saying send him in on his own!!! We aare not saying , don't reassure him , don't hold his hand, don't give him a kiss and a hug- just don't carry him! Carrying is for those who are not proficient , strong walkers.You are not a mule .He is not a baby!

Carrying is for those who are not proficient , strong walkers.You are not a mule .He is not a baby!

Carrying can also be about affection, support and reassurance. There isn't an age limit. It is for the parent to decide when that is or isn't appropriate for their individual child.

Except some parents are not appropriate with encouraging independence.
This thread is straying dangerously close you your bubz your rules.

In the preschool room at the nursery my children attend they do seem to have proper discussed-with-parents procedures in place for the children to still struggle with dropoffs. I guess they're trying to prep them for school.

My little guys (both two) are both fairly proficient walkers, insist on walking from the car park to the door, through reception and to their room. One then refuses to cross the room threshold and I pick him up and pop him down three inches away from where he was, but on the other side of the door. The other puts his arms up for a cuddle and goes all shy and limpet like for about a minute after getting into the room, after which he wriggles to be put down and runs off to play. If anyone told me I wasn't to pick them up as I bring them in I'd be asking what harm I could possibly be doing!

I don't even hold things up because the limpet stage lasts about as long as it takes to sign them both in and do a handover about whatever new bump or ailment they've acquired that week!