Nursery demanding 3 year old walk into nursery as opposed to being held...

[BelleBoyd]

My DS likes to be held when he goes into nursery. Otherwise he's really independent -not clingy at all. It's just when we get to the nursery door he wants me to hold him and then I give him a hug and kiss and usually is fine..sometimes not and cries and then his keyworker has to take him from me.
It really annoys me though that they are now demanding he walks in.
This morning the nursery manager told me to put him down and for me to walk in while she held him back crying and then he ran to me inside still crying. What's the point? He's 3.
I only hold him for a couple of minutes.

He's three.
You're not asking them to do it.
It's difficult to be separated from a parent at three.
You cannot force him to hit an independence point like that. You cannot psychologically prepare a kid for independence. It doesn't work like that.
Until he gets to the door, it is none of their business and I would struggle with not telling them to take a long jump and if they're that crap on attachment theory, I'd be looking for somewhere else.

There are age appropriate ways of offering reassurance and comfort without regressing them to babyhood.
We should be leading children out, not infantilising them.

The thing is, I am assuming, given you send him there happily, that it's a good nursery and they have your child's best interests at heart. That being so, why not request a meeting with his key worker and the manager - a brief one, no hour-long negotiations! - so they can explain where they're coming from, and you can where you are?

Ideally, surely everyone can then understand the other's perspective , and work together to try to ensure his needs are met by all the adults, in an agreed way. I don't see why this needs to be an us and them scenario - you're partners in making sure your child is cared for in the best way for him. Talking about how best to do that is likely to pay dividends - no?

Ffs everyone. He's 3. A little boy who wants a cuddle off his mum on the way in. I'd tell them I'll be continuing to do it that way, as it suits us, unless they have a very good reason why we can't.

I don't even do this with my 18m old.

He's 3. A little boy who wants a cuddle off his mum on the way in.

I think it is about the carrying him in,not about giving a cuddle!

The way I see it, carrying him is cuddling whilst walking. That's why kids love being carried. Mobile cuddle!

Mine sometimes wants to be carried, though. It's about feeling safe with her mum. It's rare, as she's really independent, but I tend to work on the basis that my job is to be the home base - they run off and do whatever, and then can check in now and then to feel safe. When they do, I give them the cuddles and comfort they ask for. It's child-led.

Kids don't work to a spreadsheet. People thought I babied my son. He turned out to be autistic. He was chronically anxious and needed the buggy/reassurance/shielding from anything but CBeebies. My girl, on the other hand, has the sensitivity of a Tonka truck and only needs reassurance when very tired - she's walked everywhere from 16 months, which astonished me as DS was almost 4. But a lot of people were disapproving that I let DS set the pace - even though he could never have managed otherwise. "Your bubz your rules" may be too far, but it's interesting how paediatricians now are taught never to overlook parental instinct. It exists, and it's more reliable than teacher or childcare training, bluntly.

Kids are all so different. Responding to the one you have is what matters. And it's an idea, I think, to chat to the staff to see where they are coming from, and what the issue is. Three is still very, very small.

I still carry my 6 year old
Surely in the world there are bigger issues than this
All children develop at different rates
They should differentiate for him

Beetlejuice - you carry your 6 year old into school? I have a 6 year old. At home I pick her up and cuddle her etc but at school she walks in independently after a kiss goodbye.
I also think carrying a 3 year old into nursery is a bit odd and babyish. At 3 it should be about starting to teach the first steps of independence now that they are no longer babies, walking into nursery, washing own hands, putting on own coat etc. I don't think carrying him helps him really and I think the nursery are right to discourage it. To what age do you think it can continue?

I can understand why they are asking. It is not nice to be the person prising a child from their parent. Also, I work in a nursery and wouldn't lift a child away from their parents as I have a bad back. It's unnecessary. If he is still crying at drop off, it could be that you are reinforcing some anxiety by carrying him in and allowing his key person to 'take him'.

At 3 it should be about starting to teach the first steps of independence now that they are no longer babies, walking into nursery, washing own hands, putting on own coat etc.

Children's first steps toward independence from their parents start way before that. They set their own timetable and follow it as an when it is appropriate for them. Where is it written that we should suddenly specify a very narrow set of skills to be achieved by a three year old?

Our role as adults is to provide opportunities to develop independence, not to set a timetable and have a list of boxes to tick when they start nursery.

If you feel like it's appropriate for you to encourage your own three year old to walk into nursery, wash his own hands and put on his own coat, you are no doubt quite right. That doesn't mean it is an appropriate expectation for every other three year old. Some will be ready earlier, some later and that's just fine.

What matters is that children develop independence in an environment that enables them and at the pace that's right for them. The OP isn't preventing her son from taking his next steps. She is equipping him to take those steps when he is ready.

Madness!!!
As you said he is 3!!
I wish I had never sent my son to nursey but I didn't have a choice , he was always clingy (still is very tactile at 9) however he is still very independent .

He is your son, so tell them how you are going to parent.

Good luck xxx

I got told the same thing recently, it's to do with this nationwide drive all nurseries have been sent some guidance re increasing activity.. this is what I got told when I was carrying my baby daughter in, I was told to go back to the room door/ baby gate and walk her in instead

I don't like it either and it's been riding in my mind, whether the reason she's been crying more when I leave her is because of this

when I was carrying my baby daughter in, I was told to go back to the room door/ baby gate and walk her in instead

Good grief! I wouldn't dream of telling a parent what to do with their own child (with the exception of telling a parent on one occasion that they should not smack their child because that was my statutory duty). How incredibly rude!

I hope you will remind them that you are an adult and will decide for yourself whether to carry your own child or not in future.

Your child your decision. It's not for them to dictate what you must do with your child.
If you're ok with taking a couple of minutes extra each time then there's no problem. If he needs a cure from a key worker in my opinion that is part of their role.

Oh FFS.

Also glad my kids don't go to school til 5 or 6. Three is TINY!

If they don't want to carry him, fine. But you can do it if you like.

YY goldmandra.

Mine still sometimes wanted carrying into nursery at three. It doesn't sit right with me to refuse a child's request for comfort, as a general rule. The reassurance he gained from me responding to his need for comfort is what enabled him to grow in independence and separate from me with confidence. He was fully dressing himself, and helping me get ready in the morning, and served himself breakfast at home and at nursery. He toileted independently and he followed all the nursery rules about clearing up and sitting on the mat at the right time and so on. And when we got to nursery in the morning, he liked to press the buzzer and then scramble up into my arms for a cuddle on the way inside.

He's now five and goes happily into school by himself, hangs his bag up, puts his lunch away etc without issue. After being a "babied" toddler (carried, co-slept, self-weaned etc), he has emerged as one of the most independent and capable amongst his peers.

I do agree that a child being prised from their parent's arms isn't an ideal start to the day. But wouldn't the same child, forced to walk in, end up needing to be prised from their parent's legs or similar?

Also - I don't agree that "no parent over the threshold" is an aspirational rule for a nursery. I think it's really important for the child and the family to feel more connected to the setting than that. I recognise that some drawn-out goodbyes only make things harder for the child, but often they help the child to separate with confidence and really smooth the transition. I think often the preference for "short sharp shock" handovers is about convenience to the childcare provider. It's a very disposable view of children's emotions (they'll cheer up once you're out of sight! they're easily distracted!).

If both parent and childcarer are keen to work together and have a good grounding in child development and have sensible expectations, I think a lot of this tension between "children must be made to comply" and "my baby my rules" wouldn't even exist.

If the issue is around the nursery staff being understandably unwilling to carry the child themselves, that's fine, but that's the issue they need to address - so you could carry him in and put him down at the point of handover. If the issue is physical activity - this stuff drives me bonkers, walking all of twenty foot or whatever into nursery in the morning shouldn't be touching the sides of all the running, climbing, playing I would imagine he is doing all day in their care. If the issue is that they think the handover is not going well for your child and needs reworking, that's an open discussion to be had, but I don't think them fighting the carrying itself is actually a very helpful way of going about that.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair,

Great points made.

My 3 year old loves nursery but can be clingy on the way in. Rather than carry him, we cuddle at his height/ hold hands and the staff encourage him in. I do think it's better if he does it himself.

This is why so many children start school at a disadvantage because parents baby them! A 3 year old is a little boy not a baby. He doesn't need carrying. Hold his hand until you get to the nursery door, then bend down to his level give him a cuddle and encourage him to go into nursery.

The nursery is doing you a favour giving you a subtle hint your treating him like a baby.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I have been a nursery practitioner for many years I will always give a child comfort if they need it when they are leaving a parent. But over the years i have seen so many children who want to be independent " a big boy/girl " and are being held back by parents who don't want to let go of their baby. The amount of children who come into nursery wearing nappies when they really don't need them, child asks as soon as mum has gone to wear big boy/ girl pants is ridiculous.
I see children all the time who have had no dummy all day then as soon as mum arrives dummy is shoved into their mouths.

I am a working mother myself and I understand the guilt that comes with that but babying your child is not the answer. It's your job as a parent and nurseries job to help your child become independent.

I don't think this is about the cuddling but about OP expecting the keyworker to prise her son off and carry him away on all of the days he is upset.

My kids did not start school until 6/7 but there were definitely different expectations in the 3-5 department compared to when they were 1-2. I don't remember anyone being carried at that age unless there were SN. Lots of independence things were all practiced daily such as walking in, managing outdoor dressing themselves (in winter fleece, snowsuit, socks, boots, hat and gloves), serving themselves lunch and carrying trays, what to do if you meet a bear in the woods etc

Because you are using your body language to confirm to your son that nursery dropout is a time for sadness and clingyness. You are actively contributing to holding him back from developing a happy attitude to his days in nursery. Dropoffs should be cheerful, brisk and positive without long cuddles or lingering farewells. Before you leave home have a nice cuddle on the sofa "to keep you going all day" and give him a kiss in each hand to hold on to for later. Then keep things more minimal during dropoff - it will help him to settle properly. Nursery have his best interests at heart here.

Agree with some of the PPs, where a 3 yr old's opportunities for practising independence is consistently, across the board, being inhibited (or in extreme cases, actively prevented) by a parent/ parents.

But a good keyworker is aware of the child's overall levels and whether this is simply a needed-by-him reassurance and comfort before Mum leaves, or something more concerning, indicating infantilising by a parent to the detriment of their child.

The resounding message of early years child development/ EYFS should be steer well clear of any "one size fits all, individuality be buggered" commandment allowing no flexibility or respect for different pace in hitting milestones.

Taking NellWilson's example, where her DS was clearly far from "babied", and capable of meeting all nursery requirements and obviously encouraged by her to do so...do you still feel that the cuddle on ground level only, versus in a parent's arms on occasion, is so very vital?

" He was fully dressing himself, and helping me get ready in the morning, and served himself breakfast at home and at nursery. He toileted independently and he followed all the nursery rules about clearing up and sitting on the mat at the right time and so on. And when we got to nursery in the morning, he liked to press the buzzer and then scramble up into my arms for a cuddle on the way inside."

OP also states her 3yr old's similarly independent, bar the need for an arm-held carry/cuddle on arrival ("sometimes", not every single time).
And that it's the rigid insistence he walks in that directly causes the keyworker to have to peel a distressed child off her. Which in itself provides huge reinforcement that clinging to Mum and tears = much attention got, even if negative.

Would think 2minutes being carried (is only through the doorway, for crying out loud!), a quick arms cuddle and a happy kid eager for a fun time at nursery (who will soon enough progress to walking in alone with his classmates merrily doing it and when he feels able) makes the whole handover process less stressful for all concerned?

Because you are using your body language to confirm to your son that nursery dropout is a time for sadness and clingyness. You are actively contributing to holding him back from developing a happy attitude to his days in nursery.

That is utter rubbish. There is no evidence whatsoever that the OP's body language is anything but confident and positive and responding positively to a child's request for cuddles and comfort is the very best way to support their progress towards independence.