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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Nursery at 9 months - feeling like a bit of a failure as I have not coped that well on Mat leave...

26 replies

Cloud9889 · 08/11/2016 11:57

Has anyone else sent their 9 month old to nursery for just two afternoons a week? I am feeling guilty for doing so. I am lucky enough to be able to afford it. I am returning to work but not until February, however my DC will probably continue to attend just for 2 1/2 day sessions.
Basically I am finding looking after the kids full time very stressful so have chosen the nursery route as I don't feel I can ask anyone else to help. I have potential PND which I am trying to get treated, however, I just feel like a bit of a failure for sending DC to nursery 3 months earlier than planned.

I don't know anyone else in RL who is doing this. The only people I know whose kids go to nursery are working.

I will have my 3 year old with me most of the time my 9 month old is in Nursery.

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Original poster

Cloud9889 · 08/11/2016 11:58

To clarify - DC2 will probably just attend nursery for two 1/2 day sessions each week even when I go back to work thanks to parental help on both sides which I know I am v lucky for

OP posts:

Blue2014 · 08/11/2016 12:01

Not a failure at all! I'm still pregnant with my first but I intend to send mine to nursery for sometime before I go back to work because

I am a person as well as a mum (to be) and I think looking after yourself and your mental health is great parenting (good role model!)
I can actually see it will help the baby settle in over time rather than going straight to full time nursery when I return to work.

It sounds to be like you're doing great, try not to criticise yourself so much

MyschoolMyrules · 08/11/2016 12:02

Why exactly are you feeling guilty? Because putting children in nursery is not a sign of failure, it is not a measurement of your parental skills. It is not because you are not good at being a parent. Loads of children, babies and toddlers go to nursery because parents need a break, to work, to get on with their career, to look after a loved one, whatever. It is open no way a measurement of your parenting capabilities.
If you are feeling guilty because you think your child will not be looked after well in the nursery that's a different thing altogether.

ChocolateForAll · 08/11/2016 12:04

I think this is a marvellous, pro-active idea. PND is awful and if nursery is an option I'd grab it with both hands. Do what you can do get yourself well again and consider it settling in time for your little one. FWIW and anecdotally, I've often remarked that babies who spent time at nursery often seem more sociable and confident as they get older.

domesticslattern · 08/11/2016 12:05

That sounds like a very sensible decision to make. The 9 month old will settle in, you get a little breathing space and some more dedicated time with your 3 year old.
I am sorry you have potential PND. I went through that and it was horrid. I do remember feeling guilty about everything as one of the symptoms. Can I ask what you are doing to get help with your PND? The combined wisdom of MN might be able to help!

HSMMaCM · 08/11/2016 17:04

Very sensible. Your little one can go through settling in and catching all the new bugs while you are available if needed. Win win all round. Good choice.

Original poster

Cloud9889 · 08/11/2016 20:24

Well I've had 8 sessions with a counsellor and I'm going to see my GP on Friday to discuss possible medication / options. I've had anxiety and depression in the past and have taken medication although am not sure yet whether that is the best route for me now.
One thing I have been looking into is the effect of a new pill I've been taking on my moods - as I was breastfeeding when I went on the pill they gave me the mini pill cerazette which I have never tried before. I've read some awful things on here and other websites about the effect this drug has on moods. I'm not exactly a rampant rabbit at the moment so have stopped taking it and would like to explore other options or maybe no pill.i just want to feel normal again !

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My2centsworth · 08/11/2016 20:33

ML was only 5 months when I had my first. That should have made me feel guilty for my DC, but I don't because we do what we have to do to make family life work. Parents have been making difficult compromises throughout history and by comparison yours is extremely positive because it responds to tackling a serious issue in your family's life. Be kind to yourself, your baby will be absolutely fine and it will give you space to get back to full health before going back to work.

By the way my just teenage pfb just nipped over to give me a snuggle while I was typing as she is one to do, she seems to be over me sending her to nursery at 5 months.

throwingpebbles · 08/11/2016 20:36

Not a failure at all!!! I felt a lot saner and more able to tackle my PND once my dd was in nursery a few mornings a week. She went at 7 months and I went back to work when she was one. I used that time to tackle the PND

So, use the time wisely - rest, see a counsellor, get housework done so you can do fun stuff with your little one (I found swimming and sharing baths both very bonding); socialise; practice a hobby or get some exercise.

It doesn't make you a failure,
It makes you wise and a good parent for realising what you need to do.

It won't affect your relationship, it will probably make it stronger. I am so wonderfully happily bonded with my DD, but I needed to take care of myself too to get to that point

Original poster

Cloud9889 · 09/11/2016 11:40

Thanks everyone, such helpful comments. I think I have a tendency towards worry as I want my kids to feel close to me as I am now not close to my own mother - we spent a lot of time in childcare as she worked a lot and no local family etc. (not sure she wants to be/like to be very critical of me so I don't like to open up to her so much) so its really nice to hear you are still close despite nursery - reassuring to me!

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TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 09/11/2016 11:45

Not a failure at all! It's slightly different as my DC are older but I have one morning a week to myself when DD2 goes to a preschool session and I am not at work that day. It makes a massive difference to the rest of my week knowing I get that time to myself to organise things etc.

Also I bet DC1 will love that bit of time with you too .

HyacinthFuckit · 10/11/2016 19:27

I don't think that's a bad idea. You might miss the worst of separation anxiety too, if you start now.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 10/11/2016 20:43

Does the 3 year old go to nursery? Have you looked into childminders too as it might be easier when they're younger. Sorry you're suffering I'm going though the same thing re anxiety and depression and my dd is 10 months. She'll soon be going to the childminders like my son does part time plus he goes to playgroup 15 hours a week free.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 10/11/2016 20:58

In your position I would rather find a local nanny share.

QuackDuckQuack · 10/11/2016 22:04

Both of mine went to nursery a couple of mornings a week from 6 months to give me a break and get them settled into nursery. My mum thinks that the nursery staff get more attached to the ones that start younger. I'm not convinced that's true, but both of mine have loved nursery and I do think that starting younger can make it easier for them to settle. They built fantastic relationships with the staff, thrived in the child focused environment and DD2, who is still at nursery, runs off to play without looking back at me as she just wants to get stuck in. DD1 is a lovely girl (her teachers confirm this) and I think that the calm, ordered environment of nursery and their patience has massively contributed to her best qualities. They say it takes a village to raise a child - for us nursery is that village.

On a slightly different note, I was asked to cut short my maternity leave (the circumstances made that a reasonable request) and went back with a week's notice. That wouldn't have been possible if DD2 hadn't already been settled in nursery.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 10/11/2016 22:08

Dd3 was booked in when I was pregnant! She went at 6 months for 2 mornings, I didn't don't work. No guilt.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/11/2016 22:19

Don't feel a failure- I did similar as we don't have family local to offer any support. After all if a family member was helping out a couple of afternoons a week you wouldn't think it was an issue of failure would you? Also it's a great way of getting your DC very comfortable at nursery for when you go back to work

Original poster

Cloud9889 · 12/11/2016 14:41

Thanks all. I'll be honest with you we do have family around but for various reasons I don't want to ask them right now. They will help when i go back to work though so my youngest will probably only go to nursery 2x half day sessions.

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Original poster

Cloud9889 · 12/11/2016 14:42

My mum doesn't really do spontaneous childcare and it's fine when I go back to work but I don't really feel I can just leave them for a few hours without telling her where and what I am doing or plan to do which is really going to be 'not a lot'!

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MiniAlphaBravo · 12/11/2016 14:46

I can't see anything wrong with that. I'm going on maternity leave in a few weeks and dc1 is going to be at nursery 2 afternoons a week. I think looking after two Is going to be tough so I'm happy for the break plus it's good for her to socialize. I am going to have nearly a year off so sending dc2 early, just for a couple of sessions sounds like a great idea!! It actually benefits them to be with other children and get used to sitting round a table for meals etc. it won't do her any harm.

rallytog1 · 12/11/2016 21:11

Please don't feel guilty. Both mine started nursery 3 days a week at 9mo. I kept my 3yo going 3 days a week when I had dc2, and dc2 started a month before i actually went back to work.

Everyone is happy, well-adjusted and untraumatised by the experience. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what's best for you as a family.

LBOCS2 · 12/11/2016 21:15

We had nannies growing up and DSis and I were incredibly close to DM - and she went back to work when DSis was 4mo due to soaring mortgage costs at the end of the 80s.

Fwiw, it's absolutely fine not to love being an earth mother and need a break. I'm on maternity leave at the moment and I've specifically hunted out a preschool for DD1 to go to now that we're not sending her to nursery full time. It's good for both of us

Original poster

Cloud9889 · 13/11/2016 20:33

Thanks for all your comments - DS has started nursery now two afternoons a week. He seems to be settling in fairly ok, few tears they have said but I guess that's normal!

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ElphabaTheGreen · 13/11/2016 21:14

Both of mine were in nursery full-time from eight months old, and did a very gradual build-up of half-days to full-days for several weeks in the lead up to going full-time - DS1 from five months old. This was amazing for me, because both were terrible sleepers, so it gave me my only chance to nap, and also gave my boobs a really good period to adjust.

They are the most sociable little boys you could hope to meet. DS1 absolutely cruised into reception with no issues this year, while his non-nursery classmates took weeks to adjust. DS2 treats nursery as his second home (because it is, basically!) - he knows all the children because of his big brother and all the staff in every room have known him since he was a bump! Both cannon-ball me with cuddles at collection time and it makes our time together that much more special when we have it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

WilliamHerschel · 13/11/2016 21:23

You're being very hard on yourself. I'm a sahm to a two year old and she'll be starting a couple of sessions a week soon because I'm finding it very tough at the moment. If I'd been struggling before now I would have done it sooner. Some children are in full time nursery from a younger age and they are fine. We all do what we have to do.

On another note, every version of the pill I tried gave me horrendous moodswings and depression. I would not touch it with s barge pole now. It's condoms for us!

I'm glad your ds is settling in OK.

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