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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Help... make me feel better about nursery!

60 replies

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 16:06

I am the original bluestocking feminist who had totally intended to go back to work after having a baby, so I'm absolutely not passing judgement on anyone who sends their baby to a nursery/other childcare/whatever. But... I am so scared to leave DS in childcare and don't know how I can do it.

He is 7mo and has a place at a nursery in June, possibly sooner depending on the waiting list. In all respects things are good - it is a very good and highly recommended nursery, I like the staff, it is nearby and I work at home, and it would only be 3 days a week. In some moments I feel fine about it - in others I get in a total state thinking how can I do this to him? I think of him for 8 whole hours without me or DP there, wondering where I've gone and if he has been abandoned for ever...

Just want to be reassured or just to have people talk to me about how they did it and to hear that their kids who go to nursery are growing up secure and happy. Please! (Not meaning to start any kind of a heated debate on it.)

OP posts:

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flashingnose · 05/01/2006 16:15

Totally understand where you're coming from - sometimes theories are fine until you've actually got to do it!

You know he'll be fine - if you're happy with the nursery, the other children look content whenever you visit and your gut instinct is positive, then it sounds like it's the right place. Can you arrange to ease him (and you) in gently, maybe by starting him half or one day a week before June? Then the 3 days a week won't come as such a shock, possibly.

But be prepared for him bawling his eyes out and you walking away feeling dreadful OR him not even giving you a backward glance and...you walking away feeling dreadful! He really, really will be fine - there's plenty of people on here with very good experiences of nurseries at an early age.

Good luck .

compo · 05/01/2006 16:16

By June he'll be over a year old and prefectly happy at nursery. I hads to put ds in when he was 5 months

Oovavu · 05/01/2006 16:20

hope i don't get leapt on for this - like snowleopard i'm not passing judgement on anyone who is/has been happy with their nursery but here goes: i put dd1 into nursery when i went back to work and she was 6m and i, like you, felt awful initially. thing is, i didn't feel much better a little while in as I didn't like the fact that she was in a group of babies and they were lined up like a little feeding factory at mealtimes and stuff like that. to cut a long story short, i changed my childcare to a childminder and it made a world of difference. the one-to-one care was much more suitable for her and me in those early days, even though i was only at work 3 days a week. when dd was 2 she started a nursery because i thought it was more important at that stage to start interacting with other kids in a bigger environment and she never looked back. Now i have dd2 she will be going to a childminder for her first 2 years. our childminder is like a member of the family - i trust her implicitly. hope this helps x

mazzystar · 05/01/2006 16:22

Sending ds to nursery two days per week whilst I work was one of the best decisions we ever made. He started at 7 months, hes 15 months now and loves it. And so do I!

I would definitely try to spend some days apart beforehand, and maybe try to take him for half days and then shorter days for a couple of weeks at first, so you can all get used to the idea.

Original poster

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 16:24

Compo - I know, I know,I have a comparatively easy ride being able to stay off this long and work part-time, and I'm still dreading it.

FN - thanks. It's one of those things I thought I knew all the answers to before having a baby - "you just get some childcare - simple!". Didn't stop to think there'd actually be an emotional side. Doh.

OP posts:

fennel · 05/01/2006 16:30

can you go and spend a bit of time in the nursery? watching how it is?

our nursery has a 2 week gradual admission process. the parent has to sit in the foyer for two whole weeks, while the baby gets used to it. first for an hour, then two hours, etc. it was a bit tedious but it did mean you really got to know the nursery and could see how basically happy everyone was and what a calm caring place it was.

will you have an induction period? it can really help. seeing your child enjoying it makes a huge difference. my dd3 has been at nursery, 3 days a week, since 5 months, and she loves it. she's 20 months now and just grins and races out of the door when i mention nursery.

leggymamba · 05/01/2006 16:32

I found going the whole hog the easiest way for dd - breaking in didn't work as she forgot about it in between and went back to square one every week. Now she's 2.5 and cries the day's she's not going to nursery (does that say anything about my parenting!?).

Having said that ds (8 mth) will be going 3 days in April and am already dreading it! I know he will love it but I don't want to let my baby go! (lump in throat emoticon). I don't think the childminder/nursery debate would make a difference to me.

Not much help am I?

Original poster

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 16:35

Oovavu, we have considered the childminder option but I'm in two minds about it. If you have a great, loving CM who you trust, I agree it might be the best care for an under-2. But on the other I'm worried that I might misjudge someone and think they are OK, not realising they are a bad egg and if they are in sole charge no one would know. (Apologies to all CMs - told you I get myself in a state!) At least with a nursery there is more than one staff member around...

We did in fact consider a local CM but a few alarm bells started ringing - she just seemed to lack warmth, was bad at getting back to us about dates etc. But if nursery doesn't go well I could try others.

OP posts:

crunchie · 05/01/2006 16:35

I have had every type of childcare from Nurseries to nannies and childminders. However I didn't have the emotional unhappiness that you are having. That aside the BEST childcare I ever had was with a nanny (and you can get them part time) as it was in our house and totally flexible. The nursery I chose first for dd when she was 6 months was fine, but I wouldn't have chosen it at 2 yrs old. Once she was a year or so I felt she needed a different environment, so we switched to a Childminder who was far better IMHO.

I know some people prefer nurseries, and they were great in some ways (when dd2 was 3 the nursery was fab) but looking back I would have chosen a 'warmer' more personal childcare if I did it again. That saying I know some people who prefer nurseries as they are worried their child might get too attached to a CM or nanny. And some nannies I know have seen this first hand. That is such a shame. Our nanny left nearly 2 years ago, but she is still a firend and I still miss her

Gizmo · 05/01/2006 16:38

Just remember Snowleopard, you have foresight of this, your baby doesn't. The worst thing about foresight is imagining all sorts of things that turn out to be irrelevant when you actually get there. So you're doing your suffering in advance, so to speak. He won't wonder if he's been abandoned, I promise: the staff will make sure he knows mummy will be back, and after the first day he'll know that mummy comes back. As long as you can trust the staff to reassure him and be kind to him as you would be, then you (and he)will be fine.

Perhaps you should visit for a half day a couple of times in the run up to your first week? Make sure you see the staff in action with kids of 12 months up, so you know how they react, since there's quite a difference in the way a 7 month old and a 13 month old reacts to nursery.

My son went to nursery from very young (5 months). He's still there (nearly four now) and it's a very important part of his life: he's a happy, confident, secure little boy who knows he's loved very much and gets lots of positive feedback from all the adults in his life. Although at the moment I think possibly overconfident: 'I did that very well, mummy, didn't I?' is current favourite catchphrase .

FairyMum · 05/01/2006 16:54

I have had 3 children in nursery from the age of 7 months and for us it's been a positive experience. I went to nursery from babyhood myself and always enjoyed it, so I didn't really have any qualms about nurseries. I think it's important to find a good nursery. I visited many where I just didn't get the right vibes. I think it's really important to get on with the staff. IME 7 months is a good age to put children in nursery because they are quite happy to be left. At least for mine the separation anxiety phase has come around 12 months and then they have already been settled in nursery. I don't think nurseries are a must for babies, but I started to see how much they enjoyed it around the 18-month stage. I think nurseries, providing you find a good one of course, is a great place for children to learn social skills and make friends. IMO nurseries are best for fairly laid-back parents. I think if you are really rigid about your child's routine, then you might be better of with a childminder. It's just something I have noticed in my own circle of friends. If you really can't stand your child being bitten for example (by another child, not a teacher...ehem), then nurseries are probably a bit more "dog eats dog" than at your average childminder (obviously not at 7 months though). I also think children come across "pecking order"in the playground much earlier in nurseries.
But yes, we have been very happy with our nurseries and we have very happy children (with a few bite marks).

beejay · 05/01/2006 16:58

I agree with Crunchie. I too chose a nursery, partly because I was fearful that with my baby so young I wouldn't know if something was up-- nursery seemed 'safer'. She went there from 1 to 4 and although it wasn't a bad place, it had the usual nursery drawbacks: high staff turnover, institutional feel etc

I now have a childminder ( dd is 6) and wish I'd taken the childminder option from when she was a baby. One to one care sooooooo much better IMHO.
Seriously look into childminders now whilst you have the chance-- I think you will be amazed at how many loving/lovely childminders can be.

bundle · 05/01/2006 17:02

I don't know any childminders who only look after one child.

beejay · 05/01/2006 17:03

Sorry just re-read your threat title, don't think I have helped you feel better! But just wanted to share my opinion. Reckon it is worth checking out other options beside nursery, deciding what's best for you and then just going for it.
Are you going back to work part-time?

beejay · 05/01/2006 17:05

Bundle-- mine does

bundle · 05/01/2006 17:07

strange that, beejay, because our nursery has no institutional feel nor a high staff turnover.

beejay · 05/01/2006 17:12

You are lucky! My dd had about 5 key workers in 4 years... I guess it depends on the nursery.

bundle · 05/01/2006 17:14

we saw 3 or 4 and went for the best one.

snowleopard
my only advice would be to try and get your son used to being with someone else during the day before he goes to nursery. this is because imo separation anxiety (ie normal developmental stage, not "mother you have abandoned me and I'm going to be emotionally scarred forever") really reaches a peak at around a year (this was one of the reasons I used a nursery for my daughters from 7 mths). oh and you will find this much harder than your son

cod · 05/01/2006 17:19

Message withdrawn

Lucy99 · 05/01/2006 17:41

snowleopard, really glad you started this thread. Am in same position, dd due to start 3 days a week in four weeks time when she will be nearly 10 months - am getting really stressed about it. Big relief to hear from other mums who have positive experiences. Our nursery say 3, 1 hour sessions on consecutive days to settle in but just doesn't seem long enough to me. Also, no chance to test out napping there which worries me too. Am planning to ask for maybe 5 sessions to settle and stay longer than an hour but we'll see what they say!

Original poster

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 17:42

That is partly what I'm worried about Cod I have to admit - that some terrible accident will befall him and no one will care as much as me or notice as fast as I would. I tend to have a nightmarish imagination and really don't want to let that restrict DS.

But everyone's comments are helping - just hearing all these experiences is helping. From what everyone has said so far I think nursery may suit us best, as DS is very gregarious and likes being around other babies (and other women!), I do have a good gut feling about ours (it emphasizes happiness above all else and feels homely, not institutional) and I am relaxed about routine etc (if not much else!). As for biting, well I realise these things happen - presumably that also can happen at a childminders too or just among siblings and friends anyway?

But I might see some other childminders to get a comparison. The one we saw put me off a bit and it's true I might find a much better one.

OP posts:

flashingnose · 05/01/2006 17:43

Or look into a nanny share - the site advertised at the top of this thread is worth a look.

Original poster

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 17:45

Lucy, I know, I also will have a settling-in period but want to ask for more! I also asked if (since I'm close by) I could pop round at lunchtime - the manager said I could, but it prob wouldn't be best for DS as he'd see me and then have to have me leave again. I was afraid they were thinking "OMG, she's going to be a nightmare parent"

OP posts:

bundle · 05/01/2006 17:48

please don't go in at lunchtimes! i help out at our nursery (in the office) and if parents turn up and then disappear again it causes a lot of needless tears. we settled an hour or so on the first day (filling in forms sitting by keyworker in the room), building up to a morning, then staying for lunch and a whole day by the end of the week. was plenty for us, but other parents have done longer if their child hadn't settled properly.

Original poster

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 17:49

Trouble with a nanny is I work at home and I know I wouldn't be able to switch off from DS. Not good for the nanny either to have me around all day.

OP posts:

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