Help... make me feel better about nursery!

[snowleopard]

I am the original bluestocking feminist who had totally intended to go back to work after having a baby, so I'm absolutely not passing judgement on anyone who sends their baby to a nursery/other childcare/whatever. But... I am so scared to leave DS in childcare and don't know how I can do it.

He is 7mo and has a place at a nursery in June, possibly sooner depending on the waiting list. In all respects things are good - it is a very good and highly recommended nursery, I like the staff, it is nearby and I work at home, and it would only be 3 days a week. In some moments I feel fine about it - in others I get in a total state thinking how can I do this to him? I think of him for 8 whole hours without me or DP there, wondering where I've gone and if he has been abandoned for ever...

Just want to be reassured or just to have people talk to me about how they did it and to hear that their kids who go to nursery are growing up secure and happy. Please! (Not meaning to start any kind of a heated debate on it.)

This thread should not be a nursery v CM debate. My original point was that there are other options to nurseries.

However personally I think there are good and bad of both kinds, some CM are simply 'mums who babysit' and some are fully qualified. Some nurseries have a high staff turnover and an institutionised feel, others are lovely. I have seen/visited all kinds of places and used various different ones.

I chose a nursery for DD1 was she was 6 months as I wanted the 'professional' care it could offer with age appropriate toys etc. She was a prem baby and only 5lbs when she started so I felt this was the right choice AT THAT TIME.

After a while I changed to a CM (part-time in each) since I found one who used to run a nursery so had the same 'age appropriate' toys etc, bvut was in a warmer more homely environment. DD1 was about 12 months I think.

When dd2 was born I chose to have a nanny as I needed the longer hours. After a false start (disaster) we found a brilliant one who stayed with us until DD2 was 3. By then dd1 was at school and dd2 went to nursery. I chose a different one that had loads of outside space and room to run (which I had rejected before as it wasn't as 'clean and pristine' for DD1 as a baby) By 3 she had different needs to a baby.

Now she has started school so we have a CM when needed in teh eves, one who is a trained nanny, and a ex-chef, who is just fantastic. She doesn't have babies during the day, so all the kids have great fun after school together.

My point is that go for it with your nursery now, but do reasses as your childs needs change, other childcare maybe better in teh future.

It is so hard, all you want to do is your best and no-one can tell you what the best is for you.

snowleopard, I do feel for you - I've had to do the same for both mine when they were 6-7 months old and it is very, very hard. Only the fact that I had to go back to work for financial reasons made me do it.
That said, I chose two good nurseries for my children (we moved between or we would have stuck with the first) and by and large I am very, very happy with the care they have had. Ds is six and a half now, and being in f/t nursery has not "harmed" him at all, honest! He is a funny, loving, silly, clever, friendly kid, like most of his classmates no matter what their pre-school experiences. You would not look at him, or the little girl in his class who had a nanny from a baby, and think, erk, institutionalised, emotionally neglected, attention-seeking children .
Dd is a toddler and therefore a nightmare in pink trews, but I think she'd be just as bossy and raucous if she had been kept in a dimly lit room and sung politically correct nursery rhymes all day tbh.
Neither of them have ever bitten (one nip from dd and she never tried that again) or been bitten; attacked by another child; come home with unexplained injuries; suffered sleep deprivation; been aggressive or anti-social; had delayed speech; had their nice clothes pinched; or developed any other habit or behaviour that led anyone to think something not right was going on.
We never found a local childminder in either of our homes that we felt remotely happy with, and I think this form of childcare is very much a postcode lottery - great ones are out there, some of them post here in fact, and all of them have foot-long waiting lists.
I promise that babies and toddlers are not left to their own devices, not cuddled etc, in good nurseries. One person's "feeding factory" is another's rather endearing baby tea party, it all depends on the ambience and management of the nursery concerned - staffing is so important. With dd's current nursery, we have misgivings about the Head Office at times, but the local staff are superb, many have been there for years, and it is obvious they all genuinely love dd.
Good luck with going back, make the most of the settling in visits, set out to establish a friendly rapport with ds' room manager and key worker, and don't go in at lunchtime!
PS if you are currently b/f and are worrying about continuing this, bundle and I are both WOTH (me f/t, she p/t) and both have done extended b/f with both children pretty easily

Ooh, this kicked off a bit - thanks everyone. I do appreciate that there are great CMs out there, the trouble is knowing that a person is lovely, warm, reliable and responsible on a short acquaintance. It is to do with gut feeling as well though, and in our case I have a good gut feeling about the nursery we've chosen. The CM I met was also very woolly about first aid and said she "hadn't got round to" doing a course. All in all I'm starting to think she's probably a bit less conscientious than the average! But I take the point that needs may change or it may take time to find the solution that suits DS best.

I will not go in at lunchtime, promise.

And Marina yes I intend to continue B/F morning and night, with cups during the day which he's recently mastered. Not too worried about that. In fact the whole thread has helped me worry less in general - despite talk of ambulances etc.

snowleopard, go with your gut instinct . You know your ds best. And if it doesn't work out or circumstances change, you can always revisit your options.

One tip - try to get consecutive days, rather than split days. Helps to avoid the 3 Mondays a week syndrome. But even if the nursery does not accommodate (don't I know how difficult it is to get places), it will be fine.

Dd started nursery at 11 months, split days, separation anxiety since 5 months, the most clingy, bf-ed, non-routinised baby ever. And it worked for her! I am glad you are making such a great effort to settle your ds in. It will definitely help.

The staff at nursery were great with dd - cuddled, rocked her to sleep, fed her patiently - even though none of her peers needed that level of care. That is where your gut instinct comes in when you visited the premises. Nursery was the making of dd - she is such a better behaved child in nursery than at home! yes, there is a bit of a rough and tumble (like Fairymum says, being laid back helps) but by one year, the benefits of socialisation will start to outweigh the one-to-one aspect.

There are pros and cons to all types of childcare, from both the child and parents' perspective. But nursery worked for dd and still does - bite marks and all .

The CM I met was also very woolly about first aid and said she "hadn't got round to" doing a course.

Registered childminders have to do a first-aid course to be registered, or complete one very very soon after being registered. Someone who "hadn't got round to" doing one is someone I would run a mile from. Very dodgy!!!

Good luck snowleopard - we all have choices about childcare, and I think you should definitely go with your gut instinct. If you like the nursery, go for it!

(I'm not really posting during my working day ... I had to check what happened ... off back to play with mindees ... haven't even had time for a cup of cold coffee ...)

SL (and everyone who posted) - thanks so much for this thread. Ds1 is now 4.5 months and I'm probably going back to work in about 6-8 weeks...and have been totally freaking out about what to do about childcare. Like SL I just thought "oh I'll put the baby in nursery and go back to work at 6 months, no problem" beforehand and now the reality is starting to bite....! Anyway, thanks - I'm feeling very reassured (despite ambulance comments!)

Haven't had time to read the whole thread, but as an alternative, how about working mornings? Don't know why but pyschologically it seems to make the difference.

My DD goes to nursery three mornings a week and loves it. She has gone since 7 months, and she gets a lot out of it. I also like knowing that I get to spend a min of 6 hours quality time with her every day, that's from 1 to 7. So every day we get to do things together go places and I have foud this means that I don't worry about her going to nursery at all, because she is only there for such a short time each day that its like an outing for her!

I am also contracted to work 3 days a week, but manage to fit it into 5 mornings and not having a lunch break!

Sorry don't know if anyone's already said this snowleopard but I put DS 24 weeks in nursery for the first time last tuesday and if anything I have a more content baby back - he sleeps more, he laughts more and he loves it when there - they've not heard him cry yet and I had VERY rarely let him leave my arms prior to that!

He'll be fine!

I'm sure your child will be absolutely fine but I completely understand.
I pay through the nose for a nanny to look after dd and ds at home while I work at home. Madness I know and it doesn't help productivity but I love having them around and on days when I don't have much work I can play with them and have lunch etc. I have dd down for nursery when she is two. But this is just me and really more about me than anything (but I'm important!).
I have friends who have/had babies in nursery (and yours will be nearly one I gather) and they seem very happy.

Just wanted to let you know that my dd started nursery this week at 6.5 months. I was dreading it and dreading returning to work too, but you know what - its been OK. She did 2 half days (am weds and pm thurs) at nursery and a full day on friday and guess what - dd is happy as larry. She is eating up her solids and taking up to 5oz of ebm from a beaker (and she has never taken more than 1oz before). Her naps have been shorter, but she has coped and not even been grumpy despite being a bit more tired than normal. She is happy when I drop her off, happy when I pick her up and gives me a lovely smile when I turn up. The staff all seem very taken by her.

And I am enjoying work.

So I fully understand your fears, as they were mine, but so far, so good. I hope this reassures you a bit .