ADHD or something else?

[LazySusuan]

I have three children, all adults. One definitely has ADHD though no diagnosis. One is on the autistic spectrum and is dyspraxic. I am starting to think the youngest also has ADHD. Struggled at school, didn't learn to read till 8, couldn't seem to retain information. She can't remember much of her childhood either beyond snapshots which I find very odd.

She was always a sunny , happy child until about 16 when she became really quite difficult . Just selfish, emotionally disregulated, a bit lacking in empathy, which she never was before. As an adult she's become really quite challenging when under stress. She's had several long term relationships and i think some of the reason some of them haven't worked out is that once she's secure she can be quite stroppy, demanding and bad tempered. Everything has to be her way and she isn't good as seeing the impact on others of her behaviour.

There have been a long list of incidents where she has ruined things. A birthday week away with the family where she cried and ranted and basically disappeared with everyone looking for her. Christmas where she had a meltdown and wanted to get the next train home. For several years she has lived a few hours from us and only come home at Xmas which has been difficult as she split with two successive boyfriends and moped around ruining everything for everyone else.

She has now moved closer to us and is expecting us to be her life support system . It's hard as she is so demanding. She's bored when she visits and wants to be entertained and taken out, she gets in a mood that I am not visiting her regularly in another city. Once again she's bursting into tears and threatening to go home or ranting at me for letting her down in some way. A long term relationship just ended and she's in a new job and a new area so under a lot of stress, which I understand and i am doing my best to help her.

I have bent over backwards to try and support her and empathise and help in every way I can. We have given her a lot of financial support. I've reached breaking point with her and just can't go on with things as they are. We cancelled a house sale and moving elsewhere to support her in a new job and yet another relationship that failed.

When things are going well she is fine, but if she's under stress she becomes a nightmare at close quarters. Because we haven't seen a lot of her over the last few years it has been me supporting her on the phone, but having her with us over a weekend is a nightmare.

The point of all this is that i am wondering if she has a learning disability or mental health issue which is at the bottom of all of this. I have only recently recognised that she is dysregulated and that's the issue, she becomes overwhelmed with emotional stress and just blows like a geyser. We are very different people with different emotional temperaments and i struggle to understand her. I am wondering if she has ADHD and I haven't understood that before.

Can anyone help me with this?

Just bumping this for you OP.
MNHQ

From his info it’s impossible to know. But she is more likely to be ND and if you have one type of ND then you’re more likely to have another as well. So she have adhd with dyslexia.

The bigger question is what are you going to do about your suspicions.

I just want to know how to meet her needs

She sounds very similar to my son, who has Combined ADHD, right down to the memory problems. My son cannot remember anything and gets quite distressed about it. He describes it “like dementia because he lives in the moment”.
To cover for this he can be quite aggressive, because nobody believes he can’t remember, but he really can’t.
It may be worth trying to get a diagnosis as a starting point.
I do sympathise. I have 2 adult ND children and I am practically their carer as they cannot organise themselves, cook for themselves, etc. If I leave them to it, it’s only more hassle for me trying to fort out the aftermath.

Thanks. She can remember things generally, just not her early childhood. She's also good at cooking and organising and very tidy. In fact she's OCD, but hates anyone touching her stuff , she's extremely possessive.
I just don't know what to make of it. She was never bad tempered or on a short fuse as a child , so I just don't know why she's like this now.

It could be stress if she feels she is not coping. Disregulation is a big issue with ADHD. Something may have happened to her too, which she is struggling to process. I say this only because my son has always been difficult, so for her to now be like this, would indicate something has changed in her life. I’m not necessarily suggesting anything sinister, but sometimes, just the enormity of life can throw them off kilter.

Oh yes definitely. She has really struggled for years now. She's had a rough ride and completely understand why she is stressed and disregulated. I just wish all her bad feelings wouldn't mean she uses me as a punch bag.

I can relate to being a punch bag (verbally, not physically). The only comfort I take from it is that we are their “safe space”, which doesn’t help in the moment, but helps me manage my emotions after an episode.
Would she be open to therapy and/or seeking a diagnosis? You’ll obviously have to pick your moment to suggest it.
Also, have you spoken to her about how her behaviour affects you? I assume you have. How did she respond? My son is often apologetic after he has calmed down, and I use this little ray of hope to try and build on helping him manage in the moment, although it’s a slow process. He is aware he has a problem and knows on a logical level he cannot treat people, including his family, as outlets for his frustration and anger so I try and gently prompt/remind him of this when he disregulates.

I have paid for her to have therapy in the past. I don't think suggesting she gets a diagnosis would be helpful at the moment, and i can't see what it would achieve, but it would help me to understand, and probably her too.

I need to tell her how her behaviour is affecting me but I am going to wait until a couple of stressful events have passed first. It will probably lead to her crying and getting really upset which I can't face.

i wish you all the best, I hope it goes well.