Help me to not be a drama queen - Mother’s Day related 😞

[Time4adrink]

I’m awake early still feeling hurt and I don’t know what to do - I don’t want to be a drama queen but I’m feeling unloved. Help me figure out what to do, please

my Dd gave me nothing for Mother’s Day.

She is 17. She talked to me about it a month ago - asked me if I wanted to go out for tea. I said yes please and we talked about nice places to go. She told me that her dad (my husband) had reminded her and her sibling to sort something out (and he’d pay). A few days before she asked me again about places to go and then told me everything was booked up. I ended up calling a local restaurant to book us in for Sunday lunch instead.

On the day her sibling gave me a lovely card. And my DD gave me nothing… no card… nothing. She even had opportunities on the actual day to get me one … nothing.

I thought we were close but now I’m questioning that.

i feel so hurt. I’m lying in bed wondering if she even loves me. And I don’t know how to tackle this.

Do I leave it- and let it fester? For the record, the same thing happened last year and I said nothing.

Do I say something? And if so what?

You say you’re upset that the planned tea didn’t happen and the lack of card was a shame
you then move on
i cannot believe you think this means your child doesn’t love you and youve been up all night
this is about you / more than Mother’s Day

Personally not bothered enough by MD to let this upset me. 17yo can be selfish.

I'd just do less for her on the regular. Does she already pull her weight at home? One night a week she should be cooking to prepare her for independence. Plus she should be doing laundry and cleaning etc.

I feel like you just put more importance on the day than she does. It’s just a day invented by card companies - not a measure of her love for you. She’s 17 - she still figuring it all out. If your relationship is otherwise good then I would think nothing of it. Does she get you a birthday card?

I do basically everything 🙈

Yes she does get me a card for my birthday.
But I guess I’m wondering if our relationship is really as good as I thought…

I guess I’m worried that saying anything will cause some sort of drama.
to be clear I wasn’t up all night - but I went to bed feeling sad and woke up early still feeling sad.

She’s 17 - it’s peak selfishness age, and will last through to her late 20s

Very disappointing and I would simply say that to her - in a neutral way. That you felt hurt and disappointed she didn’t bother making any effort

Doing everything for her reinforces her selfishness. I make my kids do their laundry and they either eat with us or cook themselves. It helps sharpen their sense of responsibility

I think it is legit to feel disappointed but you are also placing much too much weight on a 17 year old’s ability to execute a plan.

If I were you I would have ONE conversation with them, say that you feel a bit let down by them this week, and that if you seem sad that’s why, because people are affected when you don’t bother with rituals and social expectations. Then I really would try to move on.

Yes, no harm now in looking for ways to increase their sense of responsibility. Do they have a Saturday job or similar?

So you did go out for Sunday lunch then for Mother's day.

Yes we did. My husband paid. We had a nice time.

Why are you worried there will be drama if you say something? It would seem reasonable to tell her you were hurt by her completely ignoring Mother’s Day. Although if you went out maybe in her mind that meant the day was marked and that was enough. The only way you are going to know is to speak to her.

Thank you for the validation.
Yes she has a regular job plus she does babysitting as well as studying for A levels.
i guess im worried that if i say anything I might break something if you know what I mean. And I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it and saying anything feels like I’m making it big.

I guess the hidden piece here is - and I’m sorry if this is a dripfeed - is that I am NC with my mother due to childhood abuse. So I guess I’m haunted by the fear of NC even though my DD and I have a very different relationship and (I thought) are so close.

If you didn’t say anything last year she probably thinks you’re not bothered.

Well that’s a massive piece of info
have you had therapy / counselling?
You’re not having a rationale response because of your upbringing - you’re elevating usual teen behaviours (thoughtlessness) into something it isn’t

I made an error once, in my early twenties, of thinking I could do something on mother's day and that we could do something for mother's day a different day. My mother pretended she wasn't that bothered but then made her displeasure clear. It would have been a lot easier if she'd just been up front that celebrating (on that day specifically rather than e.g. the following weekend) was very important to her. In my case, I never forgot to get her a card or some flowers but I just couldn't really believe that the date itself mattered. I would just be up front basically. They'll almost certainly feel the upset and I think that's a lot more frustrating than just seeing your expectations out up front.

There have been so many threads from upset mums of what are essentially older teens who can and should be doing better. It may well be peak selfishness in terms of their age but that’s no excuse.
I’ve two young adult daughters who managed to sort my Mother’s Day an birthday since they were about 13, they too went through a selfish phase but not once have I never not had a card or small gift.
Absolutely have a word and create the drama, she needs to learn how hurtful this and you expect better.

I’m sorry you feel hurt and upset. I felt hurt last year when my 17 year old daughter did nothing on the day. I explained to her I felt hurt and that I wasn’t asking for any fuss but that nothing hurt when I am so thoughtful towards her. This year she was very thoughtful and lovely. Tell her. I think you need to be explicit with teenagers as they are very egocentric.

I think you’ve been too nice. Dd1 went through a selfish stage at about 13. She got DH and I nothing for Christmas despite her being lavished on by us. We told her off for being selfish - obviously we don’t care about presents but didn’t want to bring up a child who views her role in the world as endless recipient only! She never did that again.

Thank you. It’s good to hear you sorted it out together.

Don't walk on eggshells around her because you're frightened history will repeat itself. For starters, you don't abuse her! If something pisses you off then speak up for yourself.
How old is the one who gave you a card? I have three older teens/early twenties and they always give us a joint card and presents for things which is fine. This may change once they don't all live at home, who knows.

Thank you.

Sibling is 20.

Not even getting a card when they've been in the shops for weeks is very poor for a 17 year old, I'm not surprised you're upset OP. Someone, probably your husband, ought to read her the riot act and make it clear that she needs to make an effort in future.

Thank you.

Possibly unfair but I’m also upset that my husband wasn’t more on top of this. He seemed really pleased with himself chasing the kids a month ago but didn’t actually check for follow through.

@AmberSpy so do you think I should ask my DH to say something instead of me?