Help me to not be a drama queen - Mother’s Day related 😞

[Time4adrink]

I’m awake early still feeling hurt and I don’t know what to do - I don’t want to be a drama queen but I’m feeling unloved. Help me figure out what to do, please

my Dd gave me nothing for Mother’s Day.

She is 17. She talked to me about it a month ago - asked me if I wanted to go out for tea. I said yes please and we talked about nice places to go. She told me that her dad (my husband) had reminded her and her sibling to sort something out (and he’d pay). A few days before she asked me again about places to go and then told me everything was booked up. I ended up calling a local restaurant to book us in for Sunday lunch instead.

On the day her sibling gave me a lovely card. And my DD gave me nothing… no card… nothing. She even had opportunities on the actual day to get me one … nothing.

I thought we were close but now I’m questioning that.

i feel so hurt. I’m lying in bed wondering if she even loves me. And I don’t know how to tackle this.

Do I leave it- and let it fester? For the record, the same thing happened last year and I said nothing.

Do I say something? And if so what?

Id get your dh to say it.
All of it.
Hey dd did you get mum a card or anything for today?
'No i forgot'
What ? How? U knew it was mothers day. U know this is important, does she ever forget your days? Shes not going to say anything cos she doesnt want to fall out with you but i will. Thats not cool. Dont let that happen again.
And leave her think on that.

I’m probably ask her if the plan is to not celebrate occasions now because you’d like to know going forward. ( ask in a straightforward way… if you normally buy Easter eggs for example should you not bother now). I think she’ll get the message. Also stop doing everything for her because that shit is not working well for you.

I can totally relate to this dilemma. But having zero expectations for decent treatment from the people you do so much for is self abuse. You are not unreasonable to expect kindness and appreciation from your kids, and your daughter needs to learn how to show it. I would tell her how disappointed you are, and ask her how she would feel if you just ignored, say, her birthday. Then move on and see if her behaviour changes. I also think her father should have a word with her.

Thank you ladies (and gent), lots to think about.

I’m glad i posted.

I can see that my own issues with my mother have made me walk on eggshells around what is basically teenage selfishness. I need to keep reminding myself that this is not the same relationship - there is no abuse; our relationship is independent of mine with my mother. But I think those of you who understand will give me some grace - it’s a lifetime of effort.

i can also see that if I don’t say anything this could become a hurtful pattern.

I’m going to speak to my DD later and tell her that I feel hurt and unappreciated that she didn’t get me a card.

I’m also going to speak to my husband because it’s my birthday next month and I don’t want the same situation then.

Any thoughts?

I had a difficult relationship with my mum too so I understand. There were some strange dynamics around things like birthdays and other celebrations that were hard to navigate.
My kids dad wasn’t very helpful either… sadly I have also been through a period of estrangement with one of my children but I am optimistic that this is now in the past.

I have learned to spell things out a bit more for my kids - but it’s still a work in progress. Mine are now early 30’s/late 20’s! Now that they have partners I think they also have exposure to how other families do things.

Thank you. 💐

Now I’m thinking this is a better approach…

It's not a husband's job to supervise a 17 year old - next year she'll be an adult.
What also stands out is that the 17 year old doesn't do any chores at home - sounds like that definitely needs to change! Maybe this young person has been too indulged over the years?

I think it would be a good opportunity for your DH to have a chat about the importance of following up good intentions with actions, it will serve her well in life to learn this, and remind her that you are a person not just a mum. It doesn’t have to be a row. Sometimes I have these pep talks with my teen after she has been ungrateful/unreasonable with my DH and she does normally give it some thought and eventually apologises/puts it right with him under her own steam.

part of our job as parents is coaching our kids to become thoughtful and responsible adults. I’m sure in her mind of course you know she loves you, it goes without saying, but she needs to understand that it would mean a lot to you if she did actually say it in a meaningful way.

You have a way with words 😂

kinda harsh but I don’t know maybe I should be more like this?

This is helpful x

Yeah don’t take it personally. Happened to me last year, but I called it out to both teens ON THE DAY.. ‘where are my cards?’ This year, totally spoilt.

Just speak to her. She is still learning, defo a selfish age.

When someone reaches the age where they can leave home, drive a car and have their own children, it’s no longer appropriate to steer them in this way.

@Time4adrink in life our dc watch and learn.
If you always put yourself low on the priority list and do everything for the dc then thats what they expect.
I made a point with my dc of them seeing me have nice things, expecting certain standards, of not always being the giver and never the recipient.

Just because someone has reached a certain age doesn't automatically make them have a whole load of emotional intelligence

Id speak to her, Not play games, not ask your husband, but straight up say did you not get me a card, I’m disappointed and a bit hurt.

i had a little similar, my daughter I am very close to. And she always gets flowers and a card, my husband gets an equivalent, but this year I got a card only, and a text saying love you. Part of me feels like she could have made a bit more effort, no phone call anything.

but I also recognise she texts me every day, we FaceTime a lot. Her actions show the closeness, and she is really busy, and I’m determined not to be that mother that guilt trips her. If she hadn’t even sent a card, I would have told her straight, and not hidden behind my husband,

Well clearly he did or we wouldn’t be on this thread.
I agree with you that he should not need to.
I suspect Mum would have checked in with offspring if it was Father’s Day.

does all that add up to 40 hours per week? if not she has time for housework, stop making excuses.

Hiding behind her husband?
What a rediculously nasty statement.
Its called diplomacy. Its calles emotional intelligence. Its knowing how to navigate a potentially difficult situation given the OPs past.
But you rock on with your ignorant comments.

Teens are just thoughtless! I still cringe when I remember being 15 and delightedly telling my mum I wouldn't have to get her anything for mother's day as we were flying to Australia and would 'skip' that date due to the time difference. What a brat I was!

35 now and completely normal relationship with my mum, got her a card and flowers for mother's day.

My 17 year old only said happy mothers day as i reminded my husband to ring his mum. My mum died 6 years ago. So sadly noone to contact. I am sad noone has mentioned it. But im fully grown and will get past it.

I would be flipping furious if my older teens hadn’t even got me a card. And they would jolly well know it! I think some mums are far too nice and get treated like doormats in return. No way. Dd17 got me a lovely card and pretty jug as I smashed my favourite one. Dd1 turned up back from uni with a card and flowers.

An update.

I spoke to my DD back in March and we had a real heart to heart. As many of you said, it was the combination of teenage organising skills, poor communication with her sibling and dad, and ironically having over-ambitious plans that she couldn’t make happen… She’d made a big plan, couldn’t get it together, abandoned it and assumed that was okay. She hadn’t clocked that I wouldn’t experience her good intentions. Life lesson I think.

Anyway, we had a really good talk and cry together. And agreed expectations. She finds me hard to buy for…so I gave her a list of low cost never-fail gifts. I was very clear that I’m really uncomfortable with her spending lots of money on me so if she wants to spend more she needs to get £ from her dad or wait until she’s older and earning megabucks 😀 it’s really important to me to get an acknowledgment on my special days, but just a card with a nice message makes me happy.

And my birthday celebration this month has been brilliant. They all made a proper effort. I felt cherished by them. We had a lovely day with presents and a nice afternoon tea. My DD got me something for my hobby. ❤️

thank you for all your advice.

Aww that’s a lovely update! It can be a valuable lesson for her. It literally is the thought that counts. Some flowers or chocolates and a card with a small note are literally all that’s needed.

A friend that does a vast amount for her two (17 and 19) got nothing from either of hers. Absolutely nothing. Broke my heart for her. She is basically their maid and support worker and they take her entirely for granted.