Help me to not be a drama queen - Mother’s Day related 😞

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I’m awake early still feeling hurt and I don’t know what to do - I don’t want to be a drama queen but I’m feeling unloved. Help me figure out what to do, please

my Dd gave me nothing for Mother’s Day.

She is 17. She talked to me about it a month ago - asked me if I wanted to go out for tea. I said yes please and we talked about nice places to go. She told me that her dad (my husband) had reminded her and her sibling to sort something out (and he’d pay). A few days before she asked me again about places to go and then told me everything was booked up. I ended up calling a local restaurant to book us in for Sunday lunch instead.

On the day her sibling gave me a lovely card. And my DD gave me nothing… no card… nothing. She even had opportunities on the actual day to get me one … nothing.

I thought we were close but now I’m questioning that.

i feel so hurt. I’m lying in bed wondering if she even loves me. And I don’t know how to tackle this.

Do I leave it- and let it fester? For the record, the same thing happened last year and I said nothing.

Do I say something? And if so what?

Did she seem a bit sheepish, or make an excuse? I think at some point in the day I'd have said, 'So I'm not getting a card from you then?' but in a wry way, not being dramatic. As pp said, if you didn't say anything last year then she might well think you're not bothered either way.

Definitely not sheepish. I didn’t say anything because she went to work at lunchtime and I thought maybe she’d bring something back from the shops with her. And when she didn’t it felt too late.

But I joked the night before that I was looking forward to all my presents (based on a long-running family joke of telling Santa what you want just as you go to bed on Christmas Eve).

I'd ask him to yes. He needs to make it clear to your daughter that you were disappointed, that she had plenty of warning, and that 17 is old enough to take a bit of responsibility for these things. My dad would have had exactly the same conversation with me if I'd pulled something like this at her age.

I wonder if things have got a bit confused because they had been speaking to their dad and then somewhere along the line the plan changed to going out for lunch.

Talk to your husband. Maybe he stepped in and your daughter just assumed it was all sorted and fine.

She should have got a card and your husband should have overseen this.

It'll carry on like this unless something is said. Just outsource it and get their dad to have a word. Did neither of them get you a present either, as you said the food was paid for by husband? (I know one got you a card).
What happens on your birthday and at Christmas, out of interest?

I'd talk to your DH, because maybe she thought if lunch was on the cards there was no point in doing an afternoon tea? It could only be one or the other, surely. Or give her a nudge and say 'lunch was great, but I would rather have done the afternoon tea with you!'

Sometimes letting them know you feel aggrieved but in a more lighthearted way can work better than going in all guns blazing, but in this case I'd say that your DH should be the one who reads the riot act (and also because it might make him a bit more proactive next year).

I think it's fair enough to be upset that she said she had booked the tea but she hadn't. I would be having a conversation more about that. It's not OK to let people think you've done something but you haven't. I have 2 x 17yo and a 20yo. They all got me a small gift each (chocolate, diet coke, flowers, which I think they told DH what to get and he went to the shops!). I airways tell them I prefer cards but I only got one card from DS2. I didn't make a big deal, just thanked him. I'm very close to DD but I know she was busy (she gets overwhelmed wanting to hand make it and it be perfect) so I understand and didn't say anything.

She’s 17 it’s not her Dads job to check she followed through!

I would tell her that you are disappointed and hurt that when the offer of afternoon tea fell through to the DC lack of planning that no effort was made by her for an alternative such as a card or token gift.

Yes it’s fine for your DH to tell your DD that instead of you if you think the message will be received better from him.

I would. I’m a husband in a similar situation, but with a 24 year old who thought saying “Happy Mothers Day” and “See I didn’t forget” is enough. It bloody isn’t.

When younger, I always went out with both boys and made sure it was properly sorted out.

I had a feeling he wouldn’t do anything, even though he had reminders from me, so before my OH woke up I got flowers and a card. Little consolation, but it was something.

It’ll just be the two of us here today, as I WFH and he’s on a day off, I want to handle it between the two of us, the selfish little shit is getting both barrels. I’m sure he can sense something is on the way. Yes my son, it bloody well is on the way.

This. I was 17 once and would never have dreamed of not making some sort of an effort for my DM on Mother's Day, in fact at any age.

And OP it was not up to your DH to check that your daughter had something organised for you. Despite the general MN view someone of 17 is not a child and should be capable of thinking of someone other than themselves.

Do I leave it- and let it fester? For the record, the same thing happened last year and I said nothing

No, You tell her that you were sad you didn't receive a card or any acknowledgement it was mothers day

then you leave it - she may well attack (attack is the easiest form of defence) with a rebuttal - but just walk away, leave it. You've told her what you want to say and thats it and its more powerful if you leave it at the fact you were sad as she didn't acknowledge mothers day

Her husband does not need to oversee a 17 year old buying a greetings card.

i’d be hurt and angry that the brat i raised thought so little of me that she couldnt spent half an hour choosing and paying for a card and a bunch of flowers for me with dh’s money. i’d be disappointed in dh too for not making her but neither prob know what it means to you.

i suppose the reality is that it’s just a bit of paper and you did get out for lunch and dh kind of took over so maybe she felt off the hook plus she’d say you weren’t bothered in her eyes last year…
BUT i’d defo say something.

AND as she is old enough to have a part time job she is old enough to learn to do housework. you really shouldn’t be doing everything. everyone should do a bit. she needs to learn as she could move out and know nothing. So i’d say my piece and the next day speak to dh about the situation and explain why, and then introduce a whiteboard of chores and have a family discussion about allocation. i’d even pay her an allowance for them if it’d help her but she does need to do them.

i dated a mummies boy and he moved in with me after a year or whatever. But hed apparently never done chores and expected me to do them all because his mum did. he was a lovely guy but it didn’t end well for him as no way i was being a skivvy while he gamed. i hope he learned his lesson and pulls his weight with his next gf.

This. Stop listening to posters who are pretending it’s nothing, the bar is super low on mumsnet. In reality, she should have absolutely got you a card at the very least or picked a nice place to go and eat. She sounds selfish and babied. This is likely to continue into adulthood.

When your children exhibit thoughtlessness, selfish and hurtful behaviour it’s your job as a parent to step and steer them in the right direction.

My DD was at her peak self centered twattery at 17, Op. And now.... she's not, she is genuinely a kind and considerate young woman. I think that if I were you I would tell your DD how her behaviour yesterday made you feel. No drama, no being drawn into an argument, just a calm few sentences. Let her think about her behaviour.

Honestly it gets better

It isnt an invented day, it was a day when lowly staff were given a day off from the big house to go and see their mothers

Thank you. This is helpful.

Thank you. The helping out at home thing is.challenging as she can do it but she’s got school work, exams and jobs etc.

Why did you call and book a restaurant for lunch instead when she told you it was already booked?

100% this

This hits hard

Thank you. This helps.

Nothing was booked… and everywhere we had discussed was full so i figured I’d need to book something or we would end up going nowhere at all.