Dating a widower

[reyb]

Anybody here have experience of this and would be willing to talk about it, having a horrible time here :(

Sorry to hear this, can you elaborate?

Me too. He's the most wonderful man but I'm considering ending it because I am sick of living in his late wife's shadow. He's too afraid to tell his kids about me so lies about where he's going, won't phone me from home or even answer my calls. When it's an occasion - anniversary etc - I'm cast aside because he's feeling down. I can't get my head around it because he'd left her a while before her death and has admitted the marriage had been dead for years and he only stayed for the kids. I understand people cope with grief differently but can't stand how I'm being treated. Any advice please?

Hi tess, this sounds so sad, how long have you been dating?

Hi Seh. Only 3 months but it's really horrible.

Hi again, yes I can imagine it is really horrible. Have you sat down and talked about why he behaves like this? It seems odd since they split before she died. It sounds like he is feeling very guilty!

I think one of the key things to ask, is how long he has been a widower? This might impact on all sorts of things, so if you can tell us this, perhaps we can offer better insight.

I think if after 3 months it's "really horrible" it's not worth continuing.

I'm widowed, but only 7 months and no experience of dating again yet.
But I don't want anyone being with me because they feel sorry for me.
And I'd hate to think I wasn't being as considerate to someone as I'd want them to be to me.

I married a widower, remarkably soon after his first wife passed away. I was worried about it being so soon but his friends assured me he did his grieving before she passed away and it wasn't rebound. He had no children.

Four years after we married it seemed to suddenly hit him that she was gone. It was dreadful, I didn't know her, I didn't seem to be able to say the right things etc. BUT it's got easier, there are times he mentions her, and rightly so, they had a happy marriage but I still at times feel I'm competing with her

I think this post may get more responses on he 'relationships' board. You can ask MN to move it there if you like

3 months is not a long time, I imagine he has a lot of feelings of guilt and does not want to upset his children. You need to take this slowly and give him time.

Yes Seh, we have spoken about it and he knows it's strange but says he can't help it. I seem to have met him around all their milestones, which isn't ideal.

Hes been widowed almost 2 years.

Hi memom. I'm glad it worked out for you and you understand where I'm coming from. When he retreats into his grief/guilt there's no regard for how this makes me feel.... and I'll admit - I feel rejected and absolutely rubbish! It's all about his dead wife - but she's not being hurt by this - I am.

Hi tess I have been dating a widow for almost a year. Although we have been through some rough spells I can say he has opened up his life to me for the most part. He had no children with his late wife which makes it less complicated. He was only with his wife for just under three years when she died and that brings its own set of issues. I know death is sad whenever it happens but when you have a whole heap of plans and dreams that will never be fulfilled with that person it is awfully sad. I met him 18 months after she died and can say that he is dealing with it better everyday and things that were raw are not so raw anymore. I suppose it boils down to time and how much time you are prepared to give him. My partner and I have always talked a lot about our feelings and he always says that although it’s not easy to always talk, he feels better for doing so. Only you know how you feel and whether you think he is worth waiting for. I do recommend that you talk to him and tell him that he needs to own up to you if the relationship is going to work.

That should say open up not own. Sorry.

Thank you Seh. Yes, everything you say makes so much sense and I can relate to it. He's 12 years older than me and was with his late wife 22 years. As I said, he's wonderful and I don't want to walk away but can't go on feeling like I'm second best, even though he didn't want her when she was alive. Thanks again Seh x

I was in a kind-of similar situation ten years ago.

My DH wasn't married when his girlfriend died but it was sudden and he became very anxious as a result. I met him 4 years later (he's 12 years my senior) and spent a lot of time working through his anxiety with him, which involved him talking lots about his 'ex' (odd to call her that when she died when they were still in love with each other, but you know what I mean). We're married now but he still has the anxiety, although that's maybe not an issue for you.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you're not enjoying the relationship after just a few months, then end it. It'll be easier for you both in the long run. I stuck around because it's fabulous 92% of the time but the days he struggles are really hard on us both. Don't let yourself get sucked into being with someone if it doesn't feel right. Honestly.

Big hugs.

Thank you so much SoozC. We have actually put things on hold while he's trying to deal with his emotions but Yes, he also suffers from anxiety because of his loss. We've actually opened up to eachother and I'm not angry any more. We do still want to be together but I've realised he needs time to come to terms with his loss and his emotions. If we're meant to be, we will. Thank you again SoozC x