I don’t know where to start with this.

[AllJustATrialOfErrors]

I’m not sure if anyone is like me; if anyone will understand and might have a suggestion. It might seem trivial but I’m reaching a stage where I feel I might need to walk away from a very happy marriage if I can’t “get better”. I’m in my 50’s. late diagnosis as an adult. Aspergers. Had a good career; two marriages, kids. Excellent “masker”. Good mimic.

My problem is this… I’m hopeless socially. I’m ok in work and with people I know well (few and far between). It’s not only exhausting me but, the older I get, the more I dread interaction. I’m also utterly hopeless with children. My step daughter has just had a little boy and he’s gorgeous but I know, going forward, until he’s older and I can have a little conversation with him, I’ll be useless. She has a three Yr old too. I buy little gifts and love to see photos of them but in person I have to retreat because I can’t seem to “interact”. It was different with my own. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well; I just dread visiting/them visiting us. Two days of anyone visiting makes me so anxious because I can only keep my sociability up, for so long. With DH, I know he needs to see his grandchildren but I encourage him to visit them, just not always with me in tow. He insists though I’m with him, though. We travelled up to see them this weekend and I just found myself getting quieter and quieter. They’re all about “grandad” (I’m 2nd wife) and it just gets more and more awkward. The grandkids are lovely; it’s ME! What can I do?

I feel like I’m an imposter. I want to be part of it but the “performance” for me is excruciating. None of it comes naturally.

Any advice?

Bumping!!!

just me, then?

Have you told your dh what you’ve said here?

You’ve articulated it so well.

I may be projecting but your dh also has a responsibility here. Has he informed himself about Asperger’s? How is he trying to meet you half way?

It’s not just on you to “get better”.

I’m really not seeing anything wrong in what you’ve suggested, and the boundaries that you’ve drawn. But I’m reading this from an ND perspective. I don’t understand your dh’s need to have you come along too and it’s something my dh expresses too in a different context. Maybe that’s a conversation we should both be having with our dh’s?

I can totally relate!

I had a late diagnosis of autism in my 50's. I am socially awkward, find 'enforced' socialising really draining to the point that when I got my diagnosis in 2017, I made a promise to myself that I was going to say NO to things that cause me to feel exhausted and/or anxious. I talked this over with my husband and he was absolutely fine about it.

My DH has always, pre and post diagnosis, accepted my limitations. For example, I have been absent from family weddings, christenings and funerals and he has happily gone alone. My DH understands that I have very limited resources and he will always step up to decline invitations, if necessary, and/or attend alone. My DH also supported me at the point of diagnosis when I announced that I was going to endeavour to drop masking as this is also massively exhausting.

As @Trivester said, what's your DH doing to meet you halfway? Why does he NEED you there? Surely he can go alone.

I would suggest that rather than you trying to change, it would be more beneficial on you working on 'acceptance of self' and for your husband doing some reading on autism and listening to you about how you feel rather than him putting, what I view as, unreasonable demands on you.

Good luck with getting that conversation started.

Thank you so much for the replies.

A few weeks ago, in a big sorting out session, I found a copy of my diagnosis assessment and report and asked DH to read it. It moved from the lounge to the bedroom and back to the lounge under some other paperwork. He didn’t read it. I told him I was surprised that he hadn’t even glanced at it. He said he knows me well enough and that he’s always known I was a bit of a misanthrope. I said it was more than that; it wasn’t that I didn’t like people it was that they baffled me and I was tired by the amount of effort I made and then still couldn’t “crack the code”.

When we first got together, his then teen kids took it very badly. One of them didn’t speak to him for years. That’s all in the past now and we never gave up on them; we knew it was hard. DH met me 4 years after his marriage ended so, not anything involving me. I threw myself into “masking overdrive”. Tried really hard to be welcoming etc. The relationship was very tentative but 18yrs later, we’re Ok. I don’t want to rock the boat by saying “actually, I’m not going to include myself in …” as it might bring back old bugbears.

A big part of their non acceptance of me was because their mum left their dad and they always wanted them to reunite (totally normal). They didn’t and then 4yrs after meeting me, we married. They were very vocal about “you’re not our mum” so, when grand children came and I was asked what I’d like to be called I suggested, just by my name as “(baby) has two lovely grandmas already”. From then on, I’ve not been referred to at all. Photos are sent with captions “for grandad”. So, when I actually see them, I’ve no idea what to do. What/who to be. Does any of that make sense? At the weekend gifts given for the new baby and the his big brother were given as “Look what grandad brought for you!”

I don’t need to be there. I’m not necessary and it’s so hard. I went for a two night stay with a friend recently and came home after 24 hrs and it was MY friend, someone I’ve known since I was a teenager! 🙄 I was exhausted.

I think I might mention my Aspergers to his three. I won’t make a big deal of it just say that if I seem distant it’s because I’ve reached a point of shutdown; battery life totally depleted!

As for DH, I don’t think he wants to see it. Maybe, he’s embarrassed.

Thing is, I know it’s me, not them! And I feel bloody awful about it.

DH doesn’t “meet me half way” because I think he sees it as my just preferring my own company and not liking people that much.

It's not you.

If your DH cared about you, he'd have read your report, he'd listen to you AND he would understand that it's not about 'not liking people very much'.

Does he 'see' you? Who you are? How much angst this all causes you? Perhaps he's not meeting you half way because it would mean he'd have to put in some effort? Instead, he's taking the easy way out, blaming you and you're swallowing that.

@Clarice99 It must be hard for those around me. My son is what I’d say “obviously” autistic. He’s clever in so many ways but I see him becoming more and more “invisible” in company. He JUST CAN’T DO IT! Me, I’ve learned and copied and tried, over a lifetime. I still can’t do it! But, I’m confusing to others. I seem initially normal but as my battery runs low, I disappear. Or want to.

For DH and his highly sociable normal and high achiever family, it’s just weird. I’m just very odd. Even my own family say I am.

What on earth can I do about it?
I despair, I really do 🤦‍♀️

Hi @AllJustATrialOfErrors , I don't think this dynamic sounds like it's honouring of you.

If your step children don't ever refer to you, even when you e bought gifts, and it's all "Grandad ..." then I don't think your step children are making a genuine effort towards you.

Perhaps your DH knows that (whether he admits it to himself or not) -- and that is behind his insistence that you go with him?

I am sorry your DH hasn't read your report. He seems to want to keep reality at bay ... ?

I wonder if you could think through the way you would feel comfortable and authentic relating to your step children, and then tell them that you're autistic, and you're going to switch up the way you connect with them, and wanted them to know your dx so they could understand why you're going to be making a change.

I typed out a long response yesterday, it vanished and I didn't/don't have the capacity to type it all out again (I can't remember everything I wrote either as I'm so tired).

It must be hard for those around me. What about how hard it is for you? Don't your feelings count? Based on your posts, I don't see any understanding, caring or kindness to you from your 'family' and your use of negative language about yourself - odd/weird/initially normal, implying that you're not 'normal', really isn't helpful to you at all.

What's 'normal' anyway?

What on earth can I do about it? Being kind to yourself would be a good starting point. Ditching the negative labels about yourself would be another. Having some one to one therapy with a therapist who has experience of neuro-divergent people may also be beneficial.

Most people have a point where their battery runs low. Some have more 'energy' than others, some have much less. Accept your limitations, abide by that internal battery and recharge as necessary.

@juniperjump Thank you for that. I do feel it’s hard for others for whom social interaction is just intrinsic. It’s why NT folks think I’m aloof and “snobby”, I guess. It’s also why my masking is a “moveable feast” as it were. If everyone I knew were gathered under one roof, I’d be so uncomfortable and confused as to which “me” I was supposed to be, in each conversation. That’s not their problem really.

The step kids have always found me “un-motherly” which I defended myself by saying that they have a mum, a very good mum and are not in need of another. They were all teens when I came along. Two at Uni. It would’ve been different had they been little ones. Actually, I probably wouldn’t have got together with their dad, had they been tinies. I wouldn’t have subjected them to me! 😂 However, I was always genuinely interested and welcoming of them. Still am. Love to hear what they’re up to/see photos/do FaceTime etc (none of them are local).

when you say “switch up my communication” with them and “why I am going to be making a change”, I genuinely have no clue what that means! Not being facetious… it just isn’t something I have a clue about. If you’ve time, please come back with advice. Appreciate it.

@Clarice99 Aggghhh! I HATE it when that happens. And it’s always the consider and longer response which disappears! 🙄

I’m nearly 60. A young 60 in many ways but still, I grew up in a time when a) people were deemed odd/a bit weird and b) my Aspergers diagnosis only came about when a woman helping my son felt that it might be worth considering my own (as I put it) “idiosyncrasies”.

As for DH, he’s a no nonsense “we’re all a bit odd” get on with it type. And frankly, I’m not sure how I can withdraw from what is his much loved family. And I know, deep down, they’re lovely and his grandkids are already clever and lovely kids (well, one’s only just arrived but will be 😊). It’s monstrous for me to say “well, actually, out of that 3 day visit, I’d rather do my own thing after the first 24hrs because it’s best for me, you and them” isn’t it?

To the kind responders, please don’t wear yourselves down with this. It’s not a new dilemma for me. It’s every single day. You could come back to me tomorrow/next week or next year; I’ll still be here worrying.

@AllJustATrialOfErrors

We are a similar age and like you, my diagnosis was later in life. Mine partly due to people/medical professionals fobbing me off saying I can't be autistic as I have a job, a husband, a house, blah blah blah. Plus, the total lack of knowledge and incorrect belief that women can't be autistic hindered the process by about 50 years!!!!!

And that is where the similarity ends 😁

It’s monstrous for me to say “well, actually, out of that 3 day visit, I’d rather do my own thing after the first 24hrs because it’s best for me, you and them” isn’t it?

By your standards I am truly monstrous because a) I'd NEVER entertain a 3 day visit from anyone or to stay with anyone; b) I have no problem saying I need my own space for 24 hours or more

Furthermore, my husband completely understands and supports a and b (and c, d, e, f ). If he didn't, we wouldn't be living under the same roof 😂😂😂😂😂

The way I see it, very black and white as per my autistic thinking pattern, you have 2 choices. Stay as you are or start to make changes that benefit you.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Thanks @Clarice99

It doesn't sound like you are being given any accommodations at all, from your family and even from yourself. You must be absolutely exhausted.

All I can say is that my DH would never do that with me. I'm allowed to recoup when I need, he tells me no to mask, especially in front of him and he knows that visits from family are too much for me if they last too long so we just don't do it.

I've been diagnosed around 5 years now and I've progressively dropped the mask over this time. I try hard to make myself feel comfortable. I use headphones, sunglasses and stim toys when I need them. My DH goes and gets my sunglasses if he notices I'm leaving without them.
He can tell by my face that things are getting too much for me and he takes over completely.

I don't know if you will ever feel any better going forward if you don't attempt to look after your autistic needs. You cannot fake being an NT without serious consequences to your mental health.

Not sure what to do now. Sorry to post what’s happened as a photo. I wasn’t sure how best to copy it.

Anyone?

He's being so unreasonable
What do YOU want to do? Do you want to live like this?

I want him (and the people I clearly offend but have to see and be around) to know (and be OK about) my diagnosis. I wonder whether if I had some other physical ailment I’d have to pretend I was perfectly fine, no problem, not limping, not nearly blind and needing a little slack cutting.

Now, he’s packed a bag and gone away for a few days. Like he’s punishing me for being so weak and selfish.

He sounds abusive, nasty, controlling, dismissive, disinterested, self-absorbed.

If you posted about him on the relationships board, I'm sure you'd be told the same and plenty more.

As I've said before, it's not you. IT'S NOT YOU!!!!!!!!

He is being ridiculous. It would be unreasonable to expect ANYONE (even NT) to read his mind when he's doing this.

He needs to have a proper conversation with you- explain what he is feeling and what he wants to happen. Then the two of you can discuss what best to do (taking into account YOUR feelings and needs as well!)

When he left for a few days, did he give an explanation? Say that he was going away because of you, or because he needed to sort out his feelings? Give a "happy" excuse like that he wanted to go birdwatching [or whatever his hobby is]?
Or did he just say "I'm going away for a few days ? Or just storm out without saying anything?

He’s retired recently so, we’re down to one car. I need the car for DS. He’s 21 with asd. He packed a rucksack and got a train. I offered a lift to the station as it was chucking it down but he refused. He hasn’t spoken about how he feels. I’ve no idea where he is. Somewhere in Wales to do some walking, alone. It’s his “thing”.

DS has asked when he’ll be home and will he be OK? I’ve absolutely no idea. I feel cross with myself, cross with him and not sure what’s going to happen. It’s so hurtful that he’s actually a very compassionate person, very inclusive, just not with me.

It is inconsiderate of him not to tell you where he will be or when to expect him back.
(Also against hiking safety advice!)

It sounds like he could be doing it to punish you. (Why? Because he feels you're insulting his family? Not a question for you, I just don't understand what he's in a mood about.)

Or he could be walking to clear his head. Work through feelings of shame that he didn't notice how hard things were for you. Disappointment that you won't have an easy relationship with grandchildren. Defensiveness that you've pointed out how his children don't acknowledge you.

I really hope he gets back safely soon and then talks to you properly.

I'm sorry that things are so hard. You deserve kindness.

@Bergamotte Thank you.

Husband has just texted dad. Not me, of course but we at least know he reached his destination.

Sorry. Texted DS

@ofwarren Your husband sounds very in tune with how you are, how you operate.

I was a late diagnosis and sometimes DH gets frustrated at stuff I do that I now know is related to ND ("I don't understand how someone intelligent would think that was a logical thing to do"), but the difference is that he's willing to have a conversation about these things, take on board what I say and adapt his approach.

You cannot change your DH's behaviour. You cannot. All you can do is choose how you react to it. It sounds abusive. It's not about ND, that just sounds like the scapegoat here. On the relationships board, "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is often recommended and I think you would benefit from giving it a read (there's a free PDF if you search for it).

It doesn't matter the whys and wherefors: it is unacceptable to give your partner the silent treatment, leave without informing them where you are going/updating on arrival, being rude, refusing to discuss issues. That has nothing to do with ND. That's not a partnership.

On the social thing, I have read that it becomes more difficult for us as we get older because years and years of masking really take their toll and we reach a point where we are just completely burned out. Especially women apparent. So be kind to yourself about it - it's the result of ND people having to adapt to an NT world, without others being prepared to adapt to us.