Female friendships when you’re autistic

[Deargreenpeace]

I was diagnosed as autistic as an adult. All of my life, I’ve never been able to integrate into casual friendship groups with any ease. I need to be very good friends or not see them at all. Does this make sense? I don’t know why but at this late stage, it’s really started to bother me - why can’t I just have fun casual friendships, where I enjoy small talk, and can have a laugh? I see others do this, and I get envious and sad. I feel that I’m always the outsider, left behind / out of things. Even though I have three very good friends of my own, who I love spending time with - individually - this still gets to me. When it’s party season, it seems I feel more autistic than ever. I’d love other people’s experiences to feel less alone

Could you invite your 3 friends to stuff together. Even if they don't make close friends with eachother it would still be a group event that you can enjoy.

I am a bit like this. I can forge long term genuine friendships and maintain them. But in some scenarios (like when I have been travelling / when I go to Mum and baby groups / on hen parties etc) I feel like others seem to be v good at forging easy new bonds with others immediately. It takes a while for me to be myself around someone new. And only then if I like them.

I find friendship hard, I tend to get quite intense. I have 3 female friends from my school days and I'm very much friends with the couple who live next for 27 years. I'm a bit of a hermit and don't see my 3 girlfriends that often, but when we do it's great.

Next door

I've learnt to accept and embrace who I am. I always used to find it hard to see others get along so casually, couldn't fit in anywhere really. So I decided to fit in with me instead.

I've always struggled with female friendships. I've gotten better over the years with superficial small talk, but once I've exhausted my 'script' of things to ask or say, then I'm left with an awkward panic.

I have made some good friends over the years, but I've always wanted a best friend or friends that I can hang out with on a regular basis and feel comfortable around.
There's still a feeling of not being able to be myself around my friends. I don't know what it is - some weird barrier. We don't seem to have that much in common and it's all very polite, generic conversation when we meet up. And yes, I'm envious of those who can join a social group and quickly integrate with it and make new friends. I tend to sit quietly at the edge. 🙁

I’m so glad to find this thread.

It’s so good to find out there are people who feel like me. I think I’ve known I was autistic for a long long time (and always knew I was different and just didn’t ‘get it’) but I was embarrassed to admit it. At my work people talk openly about Neuro diversity - it’s so much more accepted now - but as a middle-aged mum it feels really shameful to admit it.

I really relate to PPs saying they panic when they run out of rehearsed lines, I think people must just think I’m really standoffish as I start conversations being all bubbly and friendly (working my way through my standard practiced lines) and when they run out I have nothing at all to say so just clam up.

I too just don’t understand how people go from acquaintance to friend - ie going from having a coffee with a mum friend during a play date to going out for drinks or to the cinema. I see all the other mums at school doing this but I just can’t seem to.

I can’t work out if it’s because people think I’m odd/just don’t like me that much or they think I’m not interested in a friendship.

I’m quite happy in my own company and have a handful of close friends but they live far away and I worry what would happen if something happened to my husband - I fear I’d never leave the house or speak to anyone other than my children/colleagues again!

I identify with this so much. I liken existing friendship groups to a fertilised egg where I am a random dowry trying to get in and of course can't because the egg is sealed off to me. I've stopped caring quite for much now as socialising stresses me out. I'd rather read a book or have a one on one friendship. Groups are a big no. For starters how do you know who to look at when and how often and for how long and that's before you figure out when to talk and what to say nevermind understand all the sub-text. Sod that.

My closest friends in my teens were boys. The different ones who liked heavy metal and motorbikes like me and didn't go in for much that was mainstream. Until recently I had a male best friend . I find men less complex generally and with fewer expectations. Unless it's a romantic thing. No thanks. I don't watch the popular tv shows like Strictly or anything reality with celebrities in them. I wouldn't know who they were and find the chatter and noise of that type of tv very unpleasant. Give me a good detective drama anyway. My point being I find I don't have much in common with the mums at the school gate. Friendships are an exclusive club that I have no access to.

I can only really have one friend at a time. I have struggled in the past with finding friends to be competitive and getting sly digs in at me. I've also been lied to, stolen from and used, so I gave up for many years. I do have a friend at the moment and she lives near me so we can have a coffee together. She's quite quirky and we get on well and there's been no issues so far.

I never made friends at mums and toddler groups because I found them to be boring and they just talked about holidays, diets and decorating, literally nothing else.

I don’t know how to go from acquaintance to friendship either and also find men much easier to get along with. I’ve recently started to take Sertraline and have found that people seem to be more drawn to me but I don’t know what it is that’s in me that’s changed.

I don't know if I am autistic or not. I have wondered sometimes. But many of these descriptions are so so me. I try so hard, and keeping feeling like I am almost getting there, but somehow it never quite works. Feeling particularly sad at the moment as I had high hopes of making a really close friend, but I suspect I was deluding myself.

Very difficult, have been at all ages, will write more in a while as I'm doing tea/dinner (home-made steak & potato pie and broccoli and cauli - sorry to the veggies)

Yes ,I struggle
My whole life at school ,I managed one friend at each school…the last school ,no friend for quite a long time .
Break times I spent alone hiding in the library
Uni ,I managed 1 friend ,and kind of tagged along to her group of friends .but each time I move house or area ,I can’t keep the friendship going as they are in a different box in my head .
Unfortunately that has included relatives as well.
So no friends from my childhood or uni days
Currently,some mum friends ,but the realationships tend to fizzle out ,and all I can do to try to keep them going is to send funny tick-tock’s ,which ,they don’t reply to …and probably don’t find funny as I have an odd sense of humour …but I don’t know what to say anymore to stop it fizzling out ..the tick-tock’s probably aren’t helping ..it’s all very difficult,and no easier as an adult than a teen

All my friends are odd bods like me, and we tend to socialise one on one. (Although my ADHD mate is having a birthday do tonight at a popular local venue, so the all odd bods will be there crashing and burning at small talk! I will probably be able to sustain Having a Great Time for a couple of hours, and come home totally drained).

What I cannot do is the school gate mummy posse. Can't work out how they're so chummy with each other. Can't abide the WhatsApp groups- it's all what an ex used to call "social stroking" rather than meaningful content. It wouldn't bother me, but it means that the kids don't get many play dates, which is really sad.

Wow @crackofdoom - really relate to this. I bet your pals understand though? I had a hard time at the school gates, too. Now I’m out as autistic, I’m hoping people have fewer expectations of me socially. Thank you to everyone who has responded xx

This could be me. I'm 43 I've had two long term friendship's but otherwise I've struggled. Even worse those friendships have become less close and despite my attempts they don't seem to want to change that. At times I feel alone although I have my family. I'm not close to my extended family either so our world is quite small. I envy others ease and I love to go out and dance and wish I had people to do that with.

Yes it's like there's a rule book and I didn't get a copy?? Other people seem to do it organically

@summersnake I was reading yesterday about autobiographical memory and it seems that it has some impact on the development of friendships. So, if you remember less from your past - remember fewer events, and what happened at those events and who was there, then you are less likely to form the bonds that are required for long term friendships. I looked it up because I remember so little about my past. Someone mentioned something to me about an event I went to with friends for my 40th birthday, and I have no recollection of it whatsoever. I'm not sure whether it's caused by my neurodivergence or some other thing. It was suggested that poor autobiographical memory may be a result of trauma, which can be quite common with autistic people from childhood.

My best friend is autistic, mind you I'm not the norm either, I have pink hair and tattoos and i'm a biker who doesn't fit in with social norms.
We get on great.
We both work together, I get on ok with the other staff but wouldn't necessarily want them as friends in real life because I like alternative people but she gets actively bullied by "norms" because she is different.
Maybe look for friends somewhere different?

Pagans, bikers, free spirited people are more friendly and accepting.
I can't imagine anything worse than school gate mums, I've avoided them for years.

I’m exactly the same

Following

Thanks for starting this thread OP. I only just found it.

I am not diagnosed but strongly suspect I am one of you.
The analogy with the closed egg really resonated with me. In my head, the world is under a glass dome and I can't break in or get myself heard. Usually I don't mind (and I know I probably come accross as aloof), but sometimes it really gets to me. Hearing of acquaintances going to parties or big family gatherings makes me sad I don't seem to be able to break the glass.

I am very good at masking and mimicking though, so over the years (late 40s) I've learned various scripts. I recently came to the dispassionat conclusion that 'casual' friendships are good for my health and I developed a couple at the school gates of all places - which thankfully are a thing of the past now! Yes, I know, contradicting myself here .

I have rejected the idea of moving to a new area because I'm not sure I'd be able to make new friends now without the 'excuse' of the school gates. But I recognise the importance of meeting up with a friendly face once in a while, and I go for weekly walks with one or two of them. Having said that, my one or two buddies are also slightly 'odd' too .

[quote Fairysocks]@summersnake I was reading yesterday about autobiographical memory and it seems that it has some impact on the development of friendships. So, if you remember less from your past - remember fewer events, and what happened at those events and who was there, then you are less likely to form the bonds that are required for long term friendships. I looked it up because I remember so little about my past. Someone mentioned something to me about an event I went to with friends for my 40th birthday, and I have no recollection of it whatsoever. I'm not sure whether it's caused by my neurodivergence or some other thing. It was suggested that poor autobiographical memory may be a result of trauma, which can be quite common with autistic people from childhood.[/quote]
This is so true. For me not sharing stories is the key to not being able to make friendships move from general chit chat to meaningful friendships.

I see NTs having a chat and person A will ask, 'How was your holiday? Person B will reply regarding where they went and retell some stories from their experiences and paint a picture of what it was like. This allows person A to get to know them and develop a bond.

I do not have the ability to do this. If I am asked how my holiday was I will reply 'lovely thanks' and may offer some comment on the weather or how relaxed I feel but I wouldn't be able to recall any information or put it together in a nice little story on the spot. I often sense the other person just staring at me expecting me to continue the conversation so I just change the subject. Therefore the other person doesn't feel that they know me. My memory is awful and I often can't remember much from events until other people remind me but I am fine chatting about the here and now.