Hello everyone, may I join the thread? I’ve name changed but I’ve been on MN a good while. I mostly hang out in AIBU and recognise – and posted on – both the threads mentioned recently, about the daughter with the BPD diagnosis and the woman who couldn’t cope with her sister anymore. Glad to have found you all.
I've operated on the basis of a self-diagnosis for some while. I learned most of what I know about ASD from MN and links posted on MN and recognised myself and my various challenges immediately I started reading – such a relief after years of not really understanding what my problem was. I guess this is probably a common path. I'd like a formal diagnosis but there are no NHS options for adults in my area and money is too tight at the moment for private. I’d like the validation of a diagnosis but also the option to get support for the things I'm struggling with without the risk of being pigeonholed into a mental health category.
I think I may be burning out. I'm middle aged and have masked my issues for years, more successfully in some circumstances than others. I fake it constantly. My immediate family know about my self-diagnosis but very few others. The few people I told reacted with scepticism, so I stopped telling people but it means the fakery is constant, and I often feel like a loser when I can see people wondering what’s wrong with me but I don’t feel able to tell them. Recently, I've found it harder and harder to keep on an even keel. ‘Difficult’ people make me fall to bits, particularly passive aggressive people. I can’t engage with them on their own terms – I can’t behave in a nuanced, manipulative way, it’s not in my skillset. I end up melting down spectacularly from the frustration of someone who is being rude and obstructive in a polite and civilised way. It looks like a tantrum to the outside eye, or a woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I remember similar incidents as a child and adolescent, but as an adult I learned to cover it all up and lately I seem to be losing that skill and it scares me. I’m scared of losing what I’ve accomplished, my career, my family, if I can’t get this under control, and sometimes I’m just scared of the sheer intensity of my meltdowns.
Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to vent tbh. I’ll figure it out, I guess. There doesn’t seem to be much out there about autistic burnout. I'd be interested in other people’s experiences. Or actually, I’d just like to chat, as everything's feeling a bit hard atm.