'No boxed gifts' on wedding invitations

[poshsnobtwit]

This isn't a Muslim thing, from what I can tell it is an Asian thing as Hindus/sikhs widely do it too. Our community is predominately Asian so I've become immune to it on cards, but Arabs have now started putting it and it's really bothering me. Obviously I can see why they'd rather not have boxed gifts, but I feel it goes against the Islamic premise of accepting gifts, ie receive graciously. I received a card a few days ago and it didn't even say it nicely, just NO BOXED GIFTS at the bottom. I feel this is really rude and cheeky, not even a please. Anyone else feel irked at this?

What does this mean? They just want money?

I'd be pedantic and put it in a bag 😆 honestly, why don't they just say GIVE ME MONEY!!

I think it's fine as a request although should be worded more politely.

I'd much rather they said we would prefer cash please. No boxed gifts just makes me want to give them something in a gift bag or a crappy gift card.

I think the polite thing to say is, no gifts please - only your duas
or maybe your dua is the best gift we can ask for, but if you insist on giving a gift - please donate to charity x

'No boxed gifts' would make me think something in a box was culturally rude/inappropriate. I'd therefore put it in a gift bag or wrap it! 😂

@poshsnobtwit I agree with you, it is not really in the spirit of Islam as we shouldn't really be asking for any gifts! Let alone specifying what type is and isn't allowed.

I think it's rude

I'd just buy a gift and put it in a bag, they say no boxed gifts.

I was shocked when a friend once told me in her family they have a book where the grandma writes down how much money was gifted by the guests. I asked her for what purpose? To which she replied so the grandma and other family members can keep the amount in mind when they gift to a member of that family in future weddings 😂
Totally bonkers

That is beyond rude. I would maliciously comply by giving no gift at all.

I know someone who did this too (totally different religion and customs). Never mind that with inflation and the passage of 30 years since nothing makes sense anymore, the list still comes out to be discussed. X gave this amount at the wedding, we gave X’s daughter this amount at her child’s wedding ot christening etc.

It's not rude, Poshsnob, it's sensible if the couple already have the 'things' they need. Guests can give them some money or not as they choose, nobody will keep tab . It makes life a lot easier than having a wedding list or people just buying what they feel like buying.

Yes my extended family also keep a list of what amounts so and so gave so they can give the same back- It kind of takes the joy out of gifting!

When my DH first saw it in a card he said I wonder why they don't want the box? 😂@Parkingt111 my in laws do this, and I absolutely hate it. It isn't in public, but they very much take a record of who gave what so that they can give the same amount to them. I was at a wedding a few years ago of a good friend and gave a certain amount (which I thought was very generous, it was hundreds). We visited the family post marriage and they were talking about who gave what (which was bad enough!) and commented that the figure I gave was "aquaintance level" and that friends gave a higher amount. It really made me rethink the friendship, and I wished I could have taken some money back. It's genuinely really sad, this isn't the Islamic attitude at all. The best gift I ever got was a (used) copy of Sahih al Bukhari, the giver was very apologetic that they couldn't afford to buy anything, when really this was the best thing they could have given. I've used it so much over the years and I always try to remember to make duaa for them every time.

Of course I can understand they don't want 3 toasters, but still I think it's rude. Firstly, the implication is there that you need to get something, and secondly, they are requesting money only. I think that's really unislamic.

I'd be tempted to take along a small ornamental tree or something else that wouldn't possibly fit in a box.

I got loads of crap when I got married, but wrote a thank you note and just charity shopped anything I didn't need.

@poshsnobtwit ‘Acquaintance level!’ That’s horrendous! I would cringe to openly judge what I received from friends or anyone for that matter. What happened to just expressing gratitude?

Oh wow- the copy of Sahih Bukhari sounds wonderful! That’s a true gift in every sense of the word.

I think giving cash makes life soooo much easier, no faffing trying to choose a present and then having to wrap it as well!!

I didn't realise that recording who gifted how much was more common than I thought! It seems more like a business transaction than a gift in such a scenario which again takes away from the Islamic etiquette of giving gifts.

@poshsnobtwit what a beautiful gift to recieve

I'd never come across the phrase until I went to a Hindu wedding, (about 20 years ago) and I had to ask someone else what it meant. We had to queue to give cards and some relatives opened them there and then and noted the amount given in a book.

It's very mercenary

@Parkingt111 I'm ashamed to say this but my SIL has a book for recording all gifts, it's very much transactional for her. She's a teacher and has it set out with headings such as date/name/occasion/gift. So an entry would look like

24/07/2024 Parking + family Sick visit for mum 2 bags oranges

Then if/when she has to visit Parking for a sick visit she will bring 2 bags of oranges.

There was a thread on here once by a bewildered poster whose primary aged dc received a class invitation to a birthday party. Birthday child was of Indian origin and 'no boxed gifts' was on the invitation, the poster couldn't work out what this meant 😅