My "friends" resent me for being disabled

[SavannahBlue]

I know I need to find a new friendship group which isn't easy as someone with Autism and physical disabilities

We went away at the weekend and it was a disaster. They refused to tell me what they were doing and seemed to be ok with me wandering around alone in a strange country . I got moaned at for daring to ask what people were doing. I ended up doing virtually nothing which was such a waste of a weekend as it was a country I hadn't visited before

I've just received a lecture from one of the group because I asked for help. I mean they full well I'm disabled. Do they really think I'm going to be ok in a strange country by myself?

(I'm not actually after advice. They've made it clear they don't want to be friends which they could have made clear a few years ago)

It would be helpful to have some examples OP to see how unreasonable they were being. If they’re leaving you out/ignoring you because of a disability then of course they’re dicks but it also all sounds very strange.

But they invited her on the holiday, that’s fairly inclusive…
Op hasn’t responded with any greater detail. The detail would be quite interesting, I imagine.

I’m not sure how they resent you for being disabled? Many disabled people do travel, and cope very well - such is the nature of different types and degrees of disability. Did you discuss beforehand the kind of support you might need and the itinerary for the trip?

That's what I don't get, there must be more to if ops thread title is true!

Can you tell us a little bit more about it all OP … just to give us a little more insight to help figure it out with you? I’m sorry this has happened to you. X

Well it does sound very upsetting and I feel
For you as another person with physical disability and autism but as PPs have said, it would help if you gave us a bit more info.

What help did you need from them? Was it physical (like help getting up stairs, or having regular short breaks from walking), or was it more like needing them to tell you their plans in advance so you knew what to expect and when?

It sounds stressful and upsetting, but I’m wondering if there’s been a mismatch in expectations rather than your friends all suddenly turning into assholes overnight.

I’ve heard worse. So not unlikely to me.

Surely when you went on the trip there were plans or an itinerary or some sort of discussion beforehand about what you might be doing?
I dont understand how you went on a holiday with 0 clue what was going to happen?
Also what help were you expecting, maybe your friends werent aware you needed so much help.

I'm visually impaired which they know. I just needed to be included in their plans and not left alone in a strange place

I think part of the issue was I had to book into a separate hotel (because my roommate had pulled out) and wasn't overly close to where most people were

So you arrived on holiday and never had contact again? There's no WhatsApp group to plan things?

So you were alone in completely separate accommodation from the group and that accommodation was quite away from the group and they didn't check in with you and include you in their daily itinerary?

If so, thats beyond appalling and no wonder you're upset. Sorry to say, but they are really, really shit friends and you have every right to feel upset

Still need more info OP.

why were in a different hotel because the friend had pulled out? Could you not have stayed in the room on your own or was it too costly?

did you message them and they ignore you? What actually happened?

what did you need help with? Was it being able to get around the area, to their hotel, to the meet up place? How did they refuse the help?

What happened to your original room? Surely she should have still paid and you had it on your own?

I've just received a lecture from one of the group because I asked for help.
What did they say in their lecture?

@SavannahBlue give specific examples. Did you ask where and what time they were meeting and they failed to give you that information? Did you ask one of them to come collect you from the hotel and they refused? Did they go to a darkly lit restaurant where you couldn’t read the menu? Your information is so vague it’s impossible to say.

And what help are you asking for?

I’m surprised by the number of people asking for further information. I’m sorry this happened to you OP, I think the info you have supplied is perfectly enough to know they are shitty friends and shitty people. I hope you can set about finding new friends who really appreciate you for who you are and are decent humans too. I can understand somewhat of you are at a separate location, informing you of things if plans develop spontaneously might fall between the cracks- groups are dumb like that- but someone should have thought of it- it should have resulted in an apology and correction if you pointed it out/ asked for help….. not the opposite.

They sound awful and selfish and are not true friends.

My dd is autistic and her friends never consider this. They leave everything to the last min and assume she will be ok with this.

She often gets left out because of their thoughtless behaviour.

I think she needs a better group as you do op. 💐♥️

You aren't giving enough information for us to judge if they were unfair.

What was the communication like before and during the holiday
Did you say. "What does everyone fancy doing today? "

Did you say. "Let's meet up after breakfast and plan the day?

What is your responsibility in this?

It sounds more like carelessness than resentment. Miserable for you but please don’t drop them all if you still like some of them.

I think we’re only asking for more details to help OP. It’s in no way to blame OP or anything, it’s to find out why they behaves like this what what went on so we can offer advice and support in terms of whether there were crossed wires, bad friends, unexpressed needs etc. we’re asking from a place of genuine concern and trying to unpick how it went so wrong.

I understand…. It just feels to me like categorically bad enough behaviour on the friends part that there is nothing the OP can learn except dumping them. I am normally all for understanding and reconciling when possible…. If I can imagine an explanation/ misunderstanding that could have caused good people to act this way. But I’m struggling in this instance. In which case too much reflection can just lead to unnecessary self flagellation. It’s important to see when people treat you badly and believe what they show about themselves….and get on with life in the conviction you deserve to be around people who treat you well.

I guess OP could be very explicit with them: My experience of the holiday was being shut out of the group, left alone in a foreign country, despite you knowing I have needs for some minimal support, then chided when I asked for help. Based on that, it feels clear to me that these are not real friendships and I won’t be treated well within this friendship group. So I am not going to be involved from now on, though I wish you the best for the future.” If they genuinely care about her and there was some kind of big mistake then they will come scrambling to chase her and apologise and reconcile. But they don’t sound like good or caring people- so I would expect they won’t. They might make some polite noises and some piss poor excuses, because they want deniability….. but that should not be misinterpreted as genuine regret.

I think much simpler would be to stop all contact without drama or explanation. If they want to be friends genuinely they would chase and chase and you can end up having a conversation if you want to. But I don’t think they will. Not because you are not worth it OP, but because they are twits.

The op is saying their viewpoint only, if people had more information they may be able to give a more balanced view you are judging people where you only know one side and no I dont think this blanket view like 'oh they are terrible people how could they treat you like that' just going along with whatever a op says helps any op at all

I agree with that principle in general. And indeed I often think Mumsnet is far too quick to dismiss the protagonists who are not reporting the story as terrible. But really unless the OP is simply lying - and I don’t get the impression that is the case- she states everything very plainly…. How could this happen if decent people are involved? One person in a friend group on a group holiday is refused information, despite asking, about what the group is doing, meaning she has no choice but to be alone through what is meant to be a group holiday. This is bad enough. But on top they know that this person is partially sighted, therefore it is almost impossible for them to enjoy the place independently. Then when she asks for help she is told off. These are the facts.

I cannot see any interpretation of this which is excusable. Please tell me what it is if I am missing it.

even if they were not friends, if some individual somehow ended up in a group travel, who is partially sighted - eg on a package/group tour…. The obvious thing for any decent human to do is 1. Suggest she not be the one staying alone - this is blatantly inappropriate for someone in an unfamiliar place who is partially sighted. 2. Proactively make sure that any person , especially someone with support needs, is integrated into everything that is happening and feels included. 3. Listen and care if that person asks for help. 4. If some misunderstanding did happen- they would make an effort to reflect and correct, especially so if they know their friend has autism and may understandably have missed some social cues etc…..I would do all these things travelling with someone who was a stranger to me, never mind a friend.

I’m sorry but I think there is ablism going on here. Somehow we are searching for some way to put the responsibility on the OP, and/or we just think people with challenges don’t deserve to be around people who treat them well?