Not Recognizing that my Child has Special Need/Autism

[AdelaideRenee]

Hello, I don’t know if this is the right place to say this or not, but I am feeling quite down. So, to explain, I have a 13 (14 on Friday) year old, 9 year old twins, a 4 year old and 1 year old triplets. My triplets need a lot of attention right now and so does my 4 year old, she isn’t good at entertaining herself and she doesn’t like sitting to do an activity like colouring or watching TV as she says it’s “boring”. We decided that it would be best if she went to childcare as then she is looked after and can have her needs met. She started Monday and goes in 8 am to 1 pm. She was nervous the first day but was happy when we picked her up. She has been happy going in and coming out, so we thought it was all good. Today, I took her into childcare, a staff member asked to speak to me privately, she said “Look, we know you are struggling but we don’t really take children with special needs especially during this pandemic, your daughter needs a lot of support and we don’t have enough staff” I told them that she doesn’t have any special needs that me and my husband are aware of, and she replied “okay, well, we’ve had children with autism come here before and she presents as autistic. I would suggest that you get her seen and diagnosed then get her a care plan with one to one support written in it then she can come back here with proper support so we can provide for her better. She can stay for the remainder of the week but until you do what I have suggested, we can’t take her anymore.” I said “okay” then left after that as I was too upset and felt a bit embarrassed.
I am really sad because I didn’t notice that she had special needs or autistic traits. I was diagnosed autistic when I was 12 years old so I would’ve thought that I could spot if my child had it but clearly not. I feel like I have let her down. And we also now don’t have childcare which we desperately needed. I don’t know what to do if I am honest, I feel like crying but I don’t want to cry in front of my children as then they will ask me what is wrong and I don’t want to worry them. I will tell my husband privately when he comes home from work but I don’t know what we should do. I grew up in Finland and my husband grew up in Greece so I don't know how UK is with this stuff and I don't know if my husband would know either. Thank you for reading.

Side note: We are aware that Covid is still happening however, my husband is still working most days and my triplets need a lot of attention as they are learning to walk, talk etc and my older children can entertain themselves fine so it felt like the only option.
I'm also reposting this here to get some more advice.

You can ask her GP to refer her for an autism assessment. It might take up to a year depending on waiting lists in your area. You could also get some advice from her school SENCO or school nurse. Remember, the nursery cannot diagnose so she might not have ASD. You haven't done anything wrong. most children aren't diagnosed at 4. But try a different nursery, they sound awful.

However I would suggest that she needs more attention at home - I'm sorry because I know you have triplets, but that doesn't mean her needs go away.

The nursery sounds dreadful. Don't feel put off and try her with another one. There's no way you can do everything she's suggested in the time frame before starting school, plus getting a care plan and a one to one can take years. I really am disgusted with how they have behaved towards you.

@ScrapThatThen Thank you for this. I don't think the nursery has a SENCO or school nurse, all the staff I know of is there is sort of like two main teachers then the rest is teaching assistant workers in each group. I don't know if there is a head teacher either and if there is, I haven't met her/him. I chose this nursery because it was a lot smaller then the other ones so I thought it would be better for my daughter as she could get a bit more attention and the nursery says they have a nurturing approach which she needs. She also seems happy there so it would be a shame to go to another one.
I agree about her attention at home completely, not to make an excuse but my husband works most days so I am left at home with 7 children and like I said, three are all 1 year olds so it is a difficult time and with covid as well. My 4 year old daughter Alexandra, loves outdoor play and isn't one to sit and do a calm activity, she loves the park but all of the parks in my area are closed because of covid, I am planning on making her an at home sports day on Monday (if the weather is nice) as my husband is home, she can do skipping, races, egg and spoon race, etc with her sisters and me and my husband with make them a picnic and we will do the sports with them. I am hoping to put the gazebo up so our triplets can have shade whilst they play and we will also try to get them involved somehow. Maybe we could also get the paddling pool out or some chalk. I am also hoping that next Thursday, since my husband is home, all of us can go on a walk in the forest or something as my older ones will be at school.

@blindmansbluff Sorry for taking a long time to reply, I had to do the food shopping. I did get an email from them to follow up, the email says that they can only take her with funding from a care plan and one to one as they don't have enough staff and they said that my daughter needed to an activity every second (I knew that and did tell them, she likes to keep busy) which they can't supply without more staff. They also said that they only take special needs with care plans as the funding helps look after the children better. Then she finished of the email saying "We cannot met A's needs without a care plan, if she would like to keep coming to (name of nursery) then you need to get her diagnosed and get her a care plan, we can hold her space for no longer then 10 months. Like I said before, she can continue coming until the end of the week but then we are no longer responsible for her or her care. Enjoy the rest of the holidays" so yeah, I don't know how to respond really. I probably should look for another nursery but it is kind of a shame as this one is the smallest one locally and it says on their website that they are nurturing and put student needs first. I am dreading to tell Alexandra as she has seemed so happy going in and coming home.

Have they told you what has made them think this?
I know they've said she needs an activity all the time but anything else?
I thought they weren't supposed to say what they thought she had as they might be wrong
Have they never said anything to you about her before?

If she is 4 is she able to start school? It sounds as if she might enjoy a Forest school nursery perhaps?

@purpleme12 From what I can remember, they said that she is controlling over games, bossy at the staff, loses interest easily, no eye contact, apparently she was licking stones (?), collecting sticks and won't put them back outside when told, threw a ball at a boy and yelled catch after she had thrown it, told a staff member that she didn't like them, wouldn't play dress up as the clothes were too itchy, wouldn't follow to instructions, didn't grasp concepts and she refused too play with instruments as they were too loud. The staff member said this verbally and English isn't my first language so I may have misheard or skipped over something. She has only been in three days (only two when the staff member talked to me this morning) and the only thing they've mentioned was yesterday afternoon, and said "God, she is a handful isn't she?" which I didn't appreciate as it sounded rude.

@TW2013 She turned 4 last month (7th July) and school isn't compulsory until 5 years and I plan on her going that age as I don't know how she will handle a classroom just yet as this is the first time she is in a school type situation as I used to hire private childcare and I don't want her to have the added stress of Covid as the nursery she attends is quite relaxed on that (safely, of course). I will look into forest school nursery though, thank you

Have a look at the IPSEA website:
www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments
You can apply for an EHCP yourself without a diagnosis. You could do this whilst waiting for an autism assessment as you would probably need to do it even if she's diagnosed. It should be needs based rather than diagnosis based. You now have an education setting saying they can't cope with her as evidence.

I would phone your GP or health visitor. Say the nursery has identified autism traits and that there is a family history. And school or good quality childcare might be of great benefit to her.

Assuming you are in the UK, you should seriously consider sending her to school, as the first year is play based and they are likely to be better set up than a nursery to deal with any special needs. The school will be obliged to take your daughter and won't be able to just send you away like the nursery are trying to do.

Id do what @ScrapThatThen says, and also tell your GP if you can be referred for a family support worker to see what they can help with. Youve got too much on your plate

@PastMyBestBeforeDate Thank you, when you say about the educational setting saying they can't cope with her as evidence, do I need to tell the nursery that I would use their words? I have an email from them basically stating that they can't, so do I need to show that to the local authority or something like that?

@ScrapThatThen Thank you, I will talk to my husband when we have some time alone. Do I need to tell my daughter what I am doing or should I wait until it is a diagnosed thing?

Have you got a school place set up for your DD or have you requested a deferral? It would be much better to start in reception than year 1.

I think every nursery should have access to the area SENDCo team so they should be able to support you in setting up a Early Years Action Plan.

Definitely speak to your GP about a referral for a paediatrician.

Have you asked about help from Home Start. It sounds like you could do with an extra pair of hands

Have you looked at m-chat. Whilst it is for younger toddlers it might give you a better picture.

Wow, you have a lot going on.

One yr old triplets, without any other children, would wear out most people!

I totally agree with HotPenguin - it is a shame you haven't applied for a school place for her, as the school would support you through the process. It really isn't so easy as to just say 'she can start school next year', as she will be expected then to start in Yr1 (if there is a place available, which there might not be) and all the other children will have been in school for a year together by then. Yr1 isn't usually play based, like Reception is.
Depending on your local school / Local Authority, it might not be too late to apply for a place, though at this point, not necessarily your most local school.

Definitely make an appointment with your Health Visitor, and tell her everything the Nursery have said. Also everything you have described about the sensory differences. Your HV should be able to make a referral for assessment, but, be warned, this can (literally) take years - there is no 'quick fix'.

There are two things you need to think about, and they operate separately - the medical diagnosis (if the Nursery are right) - but also the support for her education.
Again, your HV should be able to signpost you for further support - if that isn't happening, then contact your local Children's Centre and ask them for support. Or look up 'Early Help' in your Local Authority, and let them know about the whole family - having triplets alone would get you support from organisations like Homestart in some parts of the Country (outside of social distancing times).
All local authorities operate differently - all will have some form of pre-school SEN/D assessment and support services - find out about them - again, the HV should know, the CC should know, or google your Local Authority's Children's services department, or 'Local Offer'.

@AdelaideRenee I don't think you have to tell them but if they were willing to help you then that would be useful.

NAS are also incredibly helpful and support in my part of the country too. You do not need a diagnosis to ask them for advice and support..

@HotPenguin yes, we are in the UK. I will consider school but the thing is, I worry that she won't handle it because she can't read and all my older children could slightly read at that age and the school gave a lot of pressure for them to be reading and send them home with books to read and spellings to do two times a week and my 4 year old physically can't do that like if I am two pages into a book she will get up and say "you're boring me now" and refuses to let me or anyone else read to her, I haven't asked her to spell yet but I just know that she won't be able to sit and look at the words to spell. She knows the alphabet as I taught her by getting her to draw letters with her finger in sand but it was hard to do because after one letter she would walk away as she lost interest.

@Branleuse thank you

@lorisparkle I did apply near the beginning of the year but they said that they don't know what September looks like so they said they will contact me when they find out about Covid but I have gotten no response. The school is the one my current nine year olds attend and my oldest child attended so I am not a stranger to the school or anything. I didn't bother applying for any other schools (my mistake) because I like that I am familiar to the school. I don't know what home start is but I will check it out. Thank you

If you applied you would have either been accepted at that school or not been accepted?

@BackforGood Thank you. I did apply near the beginning of the year (April) but the school said that they didn't know what September would look like due to covid and that they would contact me when they knew more, I never had a response after that. I obviously made a mistake and only applied to one school because I am familiar to it. I do worry about Alexandra and school though as she cannot read yet and my other kids could slightly read and the school had big pressure on reading, they sent home books to read and spellings two times a week and I know that Alexandra won't be able to do that because if I am two pages into a book, she will walk away and say "I'm bored now" and she won't let any one read to her as she said it "tickles my ears" I suggested she tried to read but she couldn't understand it and she said she wanted to something more fun, from what I remember, the school says reception children need to practice reading three times a week and she won't be able to handle it. I don't know how she would be able to sit down two times a week with me and learn spellings as I can tell that she would walk away and not engage, it took me a long time to teach her alphabet, I would play the songs, write the letters down, show her a book, etc and the only thing that worked was me drawing a letter in sand with my finger and her copying and even then she would do one letter then lose interest. She has quite a good vocabulary for her age but pronunciations can be off like she pronounces cat as cet, we correct her and try and sound out the words and she tries to copy but it is like she can't physically pronounce the words properly.
Thank you for the advice.