Not Recognizing that my Child has Special Need/Autism

[AdelaideRenee]

Hello, I don’t know if this is the right place to say this or not, but I am feeling quite down. So, to explain, I have a 13 (14 on Friday) year old, 9 year old twins, a 4 year old and 1 year old triplets. My triplets need a lot of attention right now and so does my 4 year old, she isn’t good at entertaining herself and she doesn’t like sitting to do an activity like colouring or watching TV as she says it’s “boring”. We decided that it would be best if she went to childcare as then she is looked after and can have her needs met. She started Monday and goes in 8 am to 1 pm. She was nervous the first day but was happy when we picked her up. She has been happy going in and coming out, so we thought it was all good. Today, I took her into childcare, a staff member asked to speak to me privately, she said “Look, we know you are struggling but we don’t really take children with special needs especially during this pandemic, your daughter needs a lot of support and we don’t have enough staff” I told them that she doesn’t have any special needs that me and my husband are aware of, and she replied “okay, well, we’ve had children with autism come here before and she presents as autistic. I would suggest that you get her seen and diagnosed then get her a care plan with one to one support written in it then she can come back here with proper support so we can provide for her better. She can stay for the remainder of the week but until you do what I have suggested, we can’t take her anymore.” I said “okay” then left after that as I was too upset and felt a bit embarrassed.
I am really sad because I didn’t notice that she had special needs or autistic traits. I was diagnosed autistic when I was 12 years old so I would’ve thought that I could spot if my child had it but clearly not. I feel like I have let her down. And we also now don’t have childcare which we desperately needed. I don’t know what to do if I am honest, I feel like crying but I don’t want to cry in front of my children as then they will ask me what is wrong and I don’t want to worry them. I will tell my husband privately when he comes home from work but I don’t know what we should do. I grew up in Finland and my husband grew up in Greece so I don't know how UK is with this stuff and I don't know if my husband would know either. Thank you for reading.

Side note: We are aware that Covid is still happening however, my husband is still working most days and my triplets need a lot of attention as they are learning to walk, talk etc and my older children can entertain themselves fine so it felt like the only option.
I'm also reposting this here to get some more advice.

I don’t think it is a general thing for 4 year olds to,be able to read when starting school...my gc certainly can’t!. Ex primary teacher here...school will support her and be able to start the process to diagnose and/or access appropriate support if they think it’s necessary.they will be used to doing this.

Did you miss the official admissions process? I think a place at school for your DD would be the best option for you. Schools have much more access to specialist support than a nursery. I would contact your local authority to get a school placement.

My DS1 (who was diagnosed at 8yrs with ASD) has a July birthday. He started school with a speech disorder and could only be understood 50% of the time by strangers. He certainly could not read and could only pronounce a handful of consonants. School adapted to his needs and he is now predicted mainly 6s (about a B) in his GCSEs.

Was it a private school you applied to?

The whole reading and spelling thing is not something to fixate on
Schools don't expect children to know all that before starting
They're used to teaching children from scratch
That's not something you should worry about here

... And not a reason to delay school

Agree with everyone else.
Children aren't expected to be able to read before they go to school.

If you are in England, then you need to apply for a place by mid-January. You apply to the Local Authority, stating your preference, and they will assign you a school - even if it isn't your first or sometimes 2nd choice.

Or do your dc go to Private schools ? In which case this is a whole different conversation.

That must have been such a shock for you. We had similar with DD1 (although I had suspicions about her) when she started preschool. Within a few weeks they approached me to say that DD1 needed 'more support than they could give her' and asked to get her assessed by an inclusion co-ordinator. In my LA, they have access to early help, so she was approved for 1:1 straight away, although the funding didn't come through for a few weeks (backdated). In the end, DD1 had a medical diagnosis that explained her delays and she ended up going to special school. She's now almost 15 and just being referred for an ASD assessment.

I think, to be honest, that if all that you report nursery saying is true, your DD will have SN of some sort. It isn't for them to tell you that it's ASD, but a lot of what you say rings true for ASD. Regardless, your DD needs support.

I think you need to get on to the LA straight away about a school place - any school place. No school will be able to meet her needs without additional support in place if what you say about her attention span is true (DD1 would walk across a room, pick up a paintbrush, dip it in the paint, stroke it up the page and chuck the paintbrush over her shoulder as she walked past the easel!). But that's ok. It will build a bank of evidence to get her the support she needs.

The only difference that having your triplets has made, is that you've put her behaviours down to lack of attention, rather than a SN.

@BackforGood Thank you, I am familiar with NAS and from what I have seen, they are good so I will have a look

@purpleme12 @lorisparkle @BackforGood I emailed the school in April as I had a family emergency and we couldn't come back to the UK until very late March and asked if there was spaces for reception in September, the response was "We have spaces but since the news of Covid-19, we don't know what September will look like for children starting. We will get back to you as soon as we know" I received no response.

@ScrapThatThen Not private but a public primary school

@purpleme12 That isn't the reason I delayed school, it was because I got no response and I didn't apply for other schools (my mistake completely). I am just saying my worry's, sorry for the miscommunication.
@purpleme12 @angstridden2 In this reception they send home a book every Monday evening and says that the parent reads 1 sentence then the child reads 2 sentences and then the parent needs to write it in a book about how much the child read, they must read at least three times a week. When my other children were in reception they had a spelling list of six words every Monday as well and had to practice two times a week then have a test on them on Friday at school. I personally believe in letting children learn in their own pace and in their own way but I know that most school aren't like that. Most schools just want kids to get good grades and a good job and though that is important, it isn't everything and education is lifelong. When my 9 year old was refusing school, I didn't force her to go because I could see how anxious she was, later I found out that the reason she wasn't going was because of bullying so I would not send her back until that was sorted out as I would rather my child felt safe and happy and if school didn't make her feel that way, I would have rather she not have gone. Tough decision and school just wanted her in but in the long run, it was for the best and now she is happy in school.

.... She might be better in a less pushy school?
In our school they didn't start spellings till right at the end of reception
I don't know the school though you know it best

Nursery think they have seen a problem, now you need to go to the GP and get her assessed. This takes time but if there isn't any issues then at least you will have followed the advice

I think you have misunderstood uk school admissions. You should have applied through the LA not the school directly. Obviously, they thought you were enquiring in general and not applying for the school

Reception at school is play based and the children are all at very different levels. They all learn the same stuff so everyone learns in the same way. A reading book sent home is for you to read with your child. If a child can read, they can read it to you. If they can't, you read it to them and talk about it. You still write in the book 'jenny enjoyed this story' 'Jenny was able to tell the story by looking at the pictures' 'jenny was able to read the word IT'

Your dd will probably need to start school in Year1 now. You need to speak to the LA about a late entry and put her on the waiting list. you need to act now to get her into the school over the next year/next september

@Louglen Thank you, this was really helpful. May I ask the best way to contact the local authority, is it email or phone call? I have autism and the nursery knows that as I am open about it so I think that may be a reason they said autism. I don't take this lightly as if someone has noticed this then I want to make sure my child has the best support and the best things for her needs. I am even thinking of making her a sensory bag with some things she can fiddle with as sometimes that can help focus a bit. I know she is only young but I am also thinking about seeing if she can get some OT or SALT as that may help as well and can lead to diagnoses as I was diagnosed with dyspraxia through an OT and I was diagnosed with selective mutism through a SALT. I am not sure yet as I am not experienced with doing stuff like this with my children.
Yes, her attention span is short, she will be happily finger painting inside one minute then outside looking for bugs the next. And if she sees a drop of rain, no matter what she is doing, she will run out and play in the rain singing in her made up language.
I think we had some miscommunication as I wouldn't have dismissed her as wanting attention, I sent her to nursery because so she could get more support, I did word it as attention but I meant that people could focus on helping her achieve more then anything. I am really stressed at the moment and it isn't good for her to be around stressed people as I can tell that she gets stressed herself from it. Unlike her older sisters, she can't entertain herself so I have to entertain four children who are all completely different. She will not watch a movie or program as she needs movement and can't sit still, if it is playing in the background she says it is too irritating to her ears. She always asks to go to the park and soft play but we can't as in my area, they are shut due to covid. She also hates seeing people in masks and says they are scary and she screams at them so I can't take her to public places. She likes and will do walks but I have dyspraxia so I can't walk a lot otherwise I get too tired and achy. She also likes baking which we try to do when the triplets are taking a nap but she always open and closes the oven as she just wants the cakes or whatever done as she hates waiting so I can't leave her unsupervised if I need to check on my other children as she refuses to leave the kitchen whilst things are baking. I always knew she is different but I didn't connect it to special needs because I thought she was just her own person with her own ways.

I would search for 'in year admissions' for your local authority to find out how to officially apply for a place to start as soon as possible.

I have been through the diagnosis process with ds1 and it was a lot of work and I only have three kids! I certainly would look at how you can get extra support.

@purpleme12 okay, I will look, thank you

I found the paediatrician excellent- she referred DS1 to both the OT and SALT although in our area you can self refer to SALT and our GP referred DS2 to the OT. It is worth getting as much input as possible. The process takes time and the quicker you can get these professionals on board the better!

@bringthesummer Okay, I will try to get an assessment and talk to GP.
I didn't know that, my husband normally applies but he was busy working as he works in a hospital and had to be sent to a non local hospital to help more with Covid.
I will try to contact Local authority as well.
Thank you

@lorisparkle Thank you so much

@lorisparkle Is it better to get it done privately? If it is better, we could afford it if that is a good option, whatever helps our children we will do as we want what is best

So you need an action plan. FWIW, from what you are saying, I absolutely do not think your DD is 'normal'. I'm deliberately using that word, and I'm using the inverted commas, because of course, children with SN are all unique, but it's really common at a young age for everyone to say 'Oh don't worry, that's completely normal....', which won't help you. You need to know that if your DD is behaving as you say she is, that is not typical for a child of her age. That's not a criticism, it's validation. For years, I was told that DD1 was 'normal' and I was 'overthinking'. She wasn't, and I wasn't.

You need to contact the Local Authority and tell them that a nursery has refused to have your child without a formal assessment and support, because they can't meet her needs. Ask whether there is an early help system (some LAs do have them). What area are you in? It might help us to guide you.

Check if your area allows direct referrals to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). In my LA (which is admittedly very good), you can directly refer to CAMHS, who would assess for ASD. If you can't, then you need to go to the GP and ask for referral to a developmental paediatrician. In fact, I'd do that anyway, because it sounds like your DD has some speech and language difficulties, sensory issues and developmental needs, so a Paed can assess and co-ordinate referrals.

Look online and apply for a school place. If the school you want is a state school and they have places, they have to give your child a place if you apply. If there is a waiting list, they have to tell you which schools do have places and allocate your DD one. Once she's at school, they will soon tell you that you need support with her.

You must be exhausted

For OT, SALT, and paediatrician we went through the NHS. Generally we were happy with the support given but everything did take its time. We did get a private dyslexia assessment for DS1 when he was older as our LA does not do them, we are also getting a private Educational Psychologist assessment for DS2 as the waiting list was 18 months before lockdown so is likely to be over two years now. As long as waiting lists aren't too long I would stick to the NHS, it generally makes things easier.

There is so much going on - from you looking after 7 children, including baby triplets, to your husband working in a different hospital due to COVID 19 - even without all yur worries about your daughter.
Can I reiterate my earlier advice to get in touch with the local Children's centre and get yourself some real support. There is so much to co-ordinate.
Try searching where you live and 'Children's Centre' or, if you know your Health Visitor / Health Visiting Team's contact number, phone and ask them.
Every area organises things differently, and they will know who to get in touch with in your area, but this is going to take a lot more time than I can see you being able to carve out for yourself.

Things that might help are internet searches for :
Your area and 'Family Information Service
Your area and 'Local Offer'

Another charity that are there to support families, who are very wonderful, is Contact

@Lougle I know you are just being honest and it is helpful but I find it so hard to hear. I mean I knew I would probably have children with special needs but I didn’t really expect things to go the way things did and I thought I would be able to spot it and I could’ve helped her earlier and before I even had children I should’ve known what to do in this circumstance. I don’t blame them but I feel like I shouldn’t have got so distracted with the triplets, I feel like I leave out my other children constantly when I love them dearly and try to spend time with them as much as I can but it is so difficult as I am on my own so much and I love my kids but I desperately want to go back to work as I loved that routine in my life. I don’t know I just feel very stressed and it has effected my sleep so much, I know my husband is working hard and I love him but I feel so alone most days.
Not sure if this matters but we live in Clevedon which I think is North Somerset Council but the primary school our kids go to and that we want our daughter to attend is in Bristol and that local authority is South Gloucestershire County Council and the nursery is near to Portishead which I am not sure the LA is, does that make a difference?
Is CAMHS worth it? I heard nothing good about them. Not saying they aren’t good as people are all different and need different things but I am just wondering what the experience is like and if it is like I said, worth it.
We would like the school our children go to/went to but we really don’t mind the school as long as we agree with the policies as I hate sanctions and being strict on behaviour like one school I looked at said that if a child gets up without permission then it is an automatic red and they miss breaktime. I don’t agree with that at all.
Always exhausted haha, but life of a mum. Thank you for all the help, I really appreciate it.

@lorisparkle Thank you

@BackforGood Thank you, I will look into it. Is a Health Visitor the same as a Social Worker? I don't have good experience with a Social Worker (not all the same, I know) but it has sort of given me an anxious feeling around them

@Lougle how should I make an action plan