Not Recognizing that my Child has Special Need/Autism

[AdelaideRenee]

Hello, I don’t know if this is the right place to say this or not, but I am feeling quite down. So, to explain, I have a 13 (14 on Friday) year old, 9 year old twins, a 4 year old and 1 year old triplets. My triplets need a lot of attention right now and so does my 4 year old, she isn’t good at entertaining herself and she doesn’t like sitting to do an activity like colouring or watching TV as she says it’s “boring”. We decided that it would be best if she went to childcare as then she is looked after and can have her needs met. She started Monday and goes in 8 am to 1 pm. She was nervous the first day but was happy when we picked her up. She has been happy going in and coming out, so we thought it was all good. Today, I took her into childcare, a staff member asked to speak to me privately, she said “Look, we know you are struggling but we don’t really take children with special needs especially during this pandemic, your daughter needs a lot of support and we don’t have enough staff” I told them that she doesn’t have any special needs that me and my husband are aware of, and she replied “okay, well, we’ve had children with autism come here before and she presents as autistic. I would suggest that you get her seen and diagnosed then get her a care plan with one to one support written in it then she can come back here with proper support so we can provide for her better. She can stay for the remainder of the week but until you do what I have suggested, we can’t take her anymore.” I said “okay” then left after that as I was too upset and felt a bit embarrassed.
I am really sad because I didn’t notice that she had special needs or autistic traits. I was diagnosed autistic when I was 12 years old so I would’ve thought that I could spot if my child had it but clearly not. I feel like I have let her down. And we also now don’t have childcare which we desperately needed. I don’t know what to do if I am honest, I feel like crying but I don’t want to cry in front of my children as then they will ask me what is wrong and I don’t want to worry them. I will tell my husband privately when he comes home from work but I don’t know what we should do. I grew up in Finland and my husband grew up in Greece so I don't know how UK is with this stuff and I don't know if my husband would know either. Thank you for reading.

Side note: We are aware that Covid is still happening however, my husband is still working most days and my triplets need a lot of attention as they are learning to walk, talk etc and my older children can entertain themselves fine so it felt like the only option.
I'm also reposting this here to get some more advice.

Also, what I be in the wrong if I kept her at home tomorrow? It is her eldest sister's birthday tomorrow and I wouldn't want her to miss out on celebrating or should I let her go in to say goodbyes?

That's a hard email to read. I would keep her home today, tbh. It doesn't sound as if she's joining in and if you're going to do nice things, that would be better.

That email is very clear and I would contact the LA saying that you've had an email asking for a care plan and EP assessment for your DD and she's been refused nursery provision until that happens.

I don't like the sound of the nursery personally

But yes I would speak to health visitor she sounds like she's listening to you, see what help she can give you

Other people in this thread have given good advice

@Lougle It was quite a hard decision as she does seem happy there and she talks nothing but good about the nursery however, we kept her home. Since it is her sister's birthday, I thought it would be a good idea if I baked a cake with her as she does like baking and decorating cake so we will do that a bit later. My husband was able to take a day off as well so it means she can get all my love and attention whilst baking.
I wasn't surprised that she wasn't joining in for two reasons, the first is because she loves rain and will always want/try to go out in it, she once woke me up at around 2 am because she woke up and heard rain. The other reason is because she doesn't like when she can't see where the person is when they are speaking through or moving a puppet.
Okay, I will contact the LA.

@purpleme12 I chose the nursery as they said they were a nurturing and child led school and they put children's needs first and have a one size doesn't fit all approach. I am sad that it isn't working out because I thought it was the right nursery for my daughter.
Yes, I will keep speaking with the health visitor.
Yes, I have gotten so much good advice on here and I listen to all of it, I am very grateful for all the responses

@AdelaideRenee it's not your fault don't worry we never really know how a nursery is till we encounter a specific situation

I completely understand. DD2 hates puppets and I suppose if your DD had been content to do something else quietly, it would have been ok, but trying to get out in to the rain when the room worker had already said no is the problem.

DD1 is at special school and I remember the head teacher telling me that she'd had to sit with her for a long time because she didn't want to come in from the rain. The HT was saying 'pizza time, DD1' and DD1 was saying 'puddles!!' Water can be a real draw for some children with SN. The trouble is that they don't have the staff to talk down a determined rain seeker and deal with the other children.

@Lougle I can never really keep her inside when it is raining because she is like you say determined, I try to give her another activity to do but it never really works, though she does like a game I play where I tell her that the rain outside is dangerous and we must build a den with all our favourite things inside (she brings wooden spoons, haha) but sometimes it doesn't work and I end up giving in besides from the fact that she doesn't want to wear shoes or a cover in the rain, I tell her that it is either boots and a coat/jacket/jumper or not going out at all and once she comes in, wet clothes off and wrapped in a warm blanket, she also slips very easily so I either have to watch her at the door or go out with her. It is a tough thing to deal with as like I said, I can't really distract her from it and sometimes the game doesn't work. I do understand how hard it must have been for the worker to deal with and I am pretty sure the playground door is in the same room but behind a wall from the main area so she wouldn't have been able to see the other children which must have been difficult.

@purpleme12 Sorry, I know we are past the primary school subject but I was looking on the school website and I read the reception page, this is what it says: "Children need to bring their reading books to school every day. They will read individually and have a Guided Reading session each week. Guided reading is when children read a book in a group and then discuss the characters and events in the book. Children will be taught to read with fluency and expression.
Listen to your child read at home several times a week and then discuss the book and story with them. Write a comment in their reading diary so that we know how they are getting on at home.
Children will also be tested on their spellings throughout the week in school. Spellings will be sent home to learn on a Thursday and will be tested the following Thursday." I don't know how she will be able to do that or have that expectation. The page does say it is play based though.

I wouldn't worry about this too much. There will be some children who can't cope as well but the school should be used to it and should make allowances, try different things with them. Some schools are better with children with special needs than others though

@purpleme12 Okay, their website has a SEN policy so I'm going to read it to get some more information

@AdelaideRenee although it says 'read', most children start 'reading' picture books with no words. Then they move on to books with simple CVC (consonant, vowel, consonant) words, such as 'cat' 'sat' 'pin', etc. They aren't expecting them to 'read' straight away. My youngest daughter point blank refused to 'try' to read. She wanted to be perfect straight away. She went into year 1 on red band, and I think only then they were being kind because she'd been on pink band all year. Now, going in to year 7 she would have got greater depth in all of her SATs and is likely to be in top sets. She still doesn't read for pleasure very much though, despite being good at it.

@Lougle Okay, thank you, I will try not to worry too much then, I am just trying to make sure it wouldn't be too much pressure for her and that's why I commented about it here as I needed some different opinions and point of views.

I know it's an old thread but I just wanted to say I hope things are working out OK now @AdelaideRenee. The nursery sounds horrible re: Sen but at least you can use their emails of evidence for an ehcp needs assessment. I've had experience of a preschool and a wraparound care setting that were both similar with my asd ds. He was only 2.5 at the first preschool and they called me in, saying he won't join in and he's too.loyd and won't follow instructions etc., and one day I picked him up he looked so sad. I asked how he'd been and the lady said oh the same really, looking angry, and he kept saying 'bad, wrong, all I do is wrong'...he never went back there!! Got him into a preschool attached to a school with a senco and they understood how to handle him and what support to put in place, then we could track his progress and see his support needs. He was diagnosed asd last year when he was 4. Wraparound care started moaning last Oct after he got too hyper there due to anxiety so I just pre empted them and took him out of there. He couldn't cope with all the other kids and he's very demand avoidant. I could imagine him being very much like your DD as he loves the rain and hates puppets! Now he has fulltime 1 to 1 support written into his ehcp as he needs a kind sympathetic person to help him on his own terms, otherwise he can't learn, and this is why we're now fighting for special provision. Good luck with it all!