Neurodiversity support thread for women with diagnosed, self diagnosed or suspected ADHD and ASC

[BertieBotts]

Continuing the good work of the lovely EauRouge :) Our first thread in the shiny new section. Seems like they created it just in time for us to fill up the old one

Link to the previous thread

This is a support thread for any posters who feel that they might be (or know that they are) on the Autistic spectrum or have ADHD. Feel free to jump in! Some of us are diagnosed, some not, some trying to work out what it's all about. Women with these kinds of issues often present differently to men and as such, can go undiagnosed for a long time. Hopefully, we can help each other understand ourselves and be there for support along the way too.

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall

AS traits in women and girls by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie - Cynthia Kim's blog (Noted as being one of the only sources of information about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Women with ADHD by ADDitude magazine - this is a really good website in general (though it really needs a redesign). Lots of good, well researched info on ADHD and especially ADHD in women and girls. Do follow the links to other articles. They also have a closed facebook group which is good for info (FB is down so can't put the link up.)

Books
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly. (This is available as a PDF somewhere online but I can't find it now - sorry!)

Speakers

This is a new one but it's something I've found really helpful so I hope nobody minds me adding it. I won't link directly to videos because they show up in the thread, but worth searching youtube/Ted/google:

Russell Barkley: Clinical Psychologist who specialises in the subject area of ADHD. He explains it better than anybody else I have come across and has practical solutions to support life with it. He is VERY long-winded, but his talks are packed with info. Highly recommend.

Ned Hallowell: Another psychologist who actually lives with ADHD himself and has interesting insights. Author of the book "The ADHD effect on marriage". He is a little bit cheesy but worth a watch.

Sorry I only have ADHD links to put here but if anybody knows a good ASC speaker, feel free to add!

Online quizzes

Of course no online quiz is sufficient for diagnosis, but can be a useful signposting tool and a starting point for discussion with your GP.

RDOS Aspergers test

AQ test

Adult ADHD screening test

Symptom checklist of ADHD in women

WTF? Your boss has no right to know you're planning to get an assessment and shouldn't expect to be told before your friends and family. You've notified her of your diagnosis and now she needs to make whatever arrangements are necessary to accommodate you.

I don't even want any allowances TBH not for the AS anyway, I have some 'reasonable adjustments' because of my chronic illness. I found work hard for a while when I went full time (because of having to be around people all the time) a couple of years ago - that's why I was talking to her about it at the time. Actually she was really supportive and it helped while I got used to the demands of the job. Which is why I'm very confused by her reacting differently than I expected. But anyway I don't want any RAs for the AS because I really love the job, I've got used to the demands of customer service etc and am happy with it, I just wanted people to know because it's not something that needs to be hidden. I know I'm different and wanted to explain it.

I am off long term sick at the moment anyway, as I am very unwell (i.e. not because of having AS!) - if I was at work I would've gone to see her about the assessment but I thought it could wait until I was due to phone her anyway, seeing as it was less than a week after I didn't think I needed to tell work officially, stupid thing is I did consider making a special phone call to do so, and I'm now kicking myself for not doing it :(

But I have been told (not by work needless to say) that I don't legally have to disclose a disability anyway. Maybe it's muddied the waters because (a) I have other disabilities that DO affect my work - hence being off sick - and (b) I have talked to them about it in the past... but still, I don't think I should have been 'told off' for not telling them straight away :(

I have been feeling really vulnerable since the assessment anyway and I know it sounds lame but this has tipped me somewhat over the edge

Polter, I think that's what's happened to me, when everything was ok and I was in control I was fine, well, not fine, but I could manage more.
Now I'm a wreck.
I'm having an ECG tomorrow as I keep having palpitations and slight chest pain. I've had to write a diary, and all the times I have them are things like parents' evening last week (hellish), dealing with a big violent meltdown, today I've had an appointment with an asthma consultant and asthma nurse, and they're changing my prescription to something completely new to me (I nearly cried) then I had to go into town to pick it up, and I'm still having them because until dh comes home I can't go and hermit myself away. I'm wheezy now and I'm scared to try the new turbohaler, which I know is silly.
I think it's all pointing to anxiety.

Sorry, I spent ages writing that whilst doing other things.
Fuzz, that's awful, your boss has no right to know anything before anyone else.
You haven't fucked up at all!

Sorry you are upset fuzz

Thank you lovely people

I'm just a pathetic mess this week really. I knew I'd find it overwhelming, and I said I'd go easy on myself, but I'm finding the reality rather more difficult than I thought.

phil hope your ECG goes fine, I had palpitations lots of times before and the docs thought it was anxiety so changed my meds and that helped a lot.

fuzz hope you're feeling better soon!

Actually fuzz I think it was about a week after I was diagnosed that I put DD to bed and actually sat with DH and cried about it, I think it took that long to sink in, but after a good sobbing session I did start to feel more positive so hopefully the same will be true for you, hope your DH is home soon!

Thanks Crohn. It's quite reassuring that it only happens during stressful times.

DH was there when I was on the phone thankfully which helped as he was annoyed on my behalf. He's now taking DS to Beavers and has taken DD too so I can just chill.

I've been meaning to start writing again for a while and I'm kind of thinking I might try and get all my thoughts out on this subject. It has brought so much stuff up, I don't think it's really the 'I have Aspergers' that I'm struggling with as much as the other issues it's brought to the front of my mind IYSWIM

Yes I know what you mean. It's like I'm reassessing everything. I thought I wouldn't be doing that much of it - I have 'known' I was on the spectrum since 2012 and have therefore done a lot of this already, so it's taken me by surprise.

Talking about my childhood was hard - great because the specialist really understood how it all related to the AS, but I don't seem to be able to forget the stuff we talked about.

mountains sorry for my delay, imve not been on mn for a few days!

I'm technically east kent, but my pct is mid kent, and I my hospital is medway.
I don't k ow where the support group is based yet.

Regarding your kat man - I think you do need to ask again, and ask for emilymay, because they're now really starting to sort out adults and women in particular.
It presents sooooo very differently in women that it's highly likely that your man was looking for male traits and didn't know how to see female traits.
Emilymay is so helpful, as she quotes the autism act that says that we have a right to a correct diagnosis.
I thought I might be borderline or "mild" but she saw it.
So contact them again, and meet her :)

Okay, we moved on....
Congratulations on your dx mount - sounds like you must have been bloody obvious

Regarding clothes....
Yes, I have attachments to clothes and find that one or two skirts are the only ones that work and I will wear them until they fall apart. And when they're in the wash it's horrid.
About that, though, I habe very definite ideas about whaf clothes I want/need, so I will scour shops until I find the right item.
I love charity shops because they always seem to have the right thing.
I have to wear cardigans (although until I was bfing I could do jumpers, and it's taking me a while to get used not needing boob access at any time). But they habe ro be just right.
I can't stand 3/4 length sleeves, and long sleeves have to be tge right length or I spend all day attempting to pull them down.
I can't wear trousers because I don't like how they encroach on my crotch, and any trousers I do wear are specific ones and take a while to get used to ("yoga pants" for dancing and ones I have for scuffy work).
But then I also hate tights. So I will usually wear thick and massive winter tights that I can pull right up without straining. They're more comfy.
But I always wear skirts no matter what. (Or dresses)
Socks jn summer thank you, and a huge obsession with cartoon/patterns etc.
I like to have pockets because I need them as I don't carry a bag usually (unless a big backpack to carry everyrhing in), because I'm bound to lose it, and I get annoyed how few women's clothes have pockets.

I love dressing up and will always try to wear tge right costume or outfit for the occasion, even if it's just a relevant teeshirt! So I like fancy dress and I like dressing up posh to go to evenings out etc.
I know I spent hours upon hours dressjng up as a child, and I can make up a costume out of almost anything, no matter how obscure it is (we had a huge box for dressing up when we were kids and I know there was hardly anything in there that could be construed as a ready costume )

I know it's tajen a long time to get my "style" because fashion has never been on my side, nor has confidence. And of course, the huge errors of judgement when trying to copy someone else's style (whether real or fiction)!

No labels, can't stand bras (the ones I'm weari g nowadays are feeding bras but they're the one size fits loads of sizes and very comfy, but gerting old and it drives me nutty when they don't sit still!

Oh gee yes bra's! I swear they are instruments of torture!

I am currently wearing sainsburies sports bras with the metal bits on the sides cut off and the sides sewn up!

Nightmare! Who in their right mind decided that women need to wear items of clothing with chunks of metal sticking out of them!

Bras, too tight or the straps fall down., knickers with razors for elastic, sock seams, socks that go saggy and ruck up, socks that shrink and are too tight, SHOES - dear god, shoes are ALL uncomfortable. Labels made of stiff scratchy material, jeans with bulky crotch seams, belts that dig in and twist, laundry powders that itch, sticky sweaty polyester, tights that are always too big or too small and where you feel every hair popping through one by one throughout the day, shirts and jumpers with tiny necklines that touch your neck and make you feel sick, shirts with massive necklines that try and fall off your shoulders, massive bulky coats, itchy wool jumpers, gloves that touch the tips of your fingers with seams in the finger crotches and thumbs that are too long. Blargh.

Thanks nickel, I'll be in touch with Emilymay then now that I have my shiny new diagnosis. I didn't think I'd be diagnosed with AS, since it's no longer in the DSM, but I wasn't going to protest.
Went for job interview yesterday, showed the panel my AS diagnosis confirmation letter before they had a chance to introduce themselves and have not heard anything back. They said I'd know within 24 hours. It was for book shelving assistant, during school hours at the university library. I really really wanted to shelve books! As silly jobs go, it's not a bad one, I thought. They told me 'library are busy places, you know...' I smiled and said it was ok, and that I knew.
I'm always going for jobs that are about juggling things and making quick judgements (=customers services), and it's really not natural to me, so perhaps I will have to give up... There's a level entry accounting NHS job, I guess that's my next application.
Back to square one...
Hope no one minds i'm airing my problems. This diagnosis is taking its time to sink in too. Fuzz we might have bee diagnosed on the same day (last Thursday). Found it difficult to concentrate on my job interview - in fact I gave it no thought. In reviewing everything too - such a relief to not have to wonder about diagnosis any longer, but then many new questions - how much should I accept I can't do, what am I actually good at, etc...
Anyway, just musing...
I love clothes too nickel and I'd look for clothes and objects in charity shops all day if I could ( ! ). I don't have money though, so no one would suspect I like clothes, I don't think. It also took me a v v v v long time to find my style. And your list of annoying clothes bits is spot on, bee!

I used to shelve books in a library- I loved it and only quit because transport costs went up and it wasn't financially worth it.

I read an interesting case study called Shelving and the Autistic Employee a while back which you might enjoy.

I could tell I was going to enjoy shelving books - but I'm also thinking that mid-term I ought to earn more, so I can support my DC (by myself). I earn ok (ish, for now) working in customer services, but Id need to earn more, or at least I wish my job drew on something I can do well. Instead I have to pretend I can do it ok, when it's clear I can't, and it's depressing.
I'm writing this and realising I'm obsessing about work

Thanks It looks like I should be a researcher to access the article, or maybe it's just because I'm on my mobile, but it looks like I can't.

Oh, that's odd. I read the full thing online but now I'm being paywalled too. I've had a quick look and can't find any reputable-looking links to read it without a log-in.