Neurodiversity support thread for women with diagnosed, self diagnosed or suspected ADHD and ASC

[BertieBotts]

Continuing the good work of the lovely EauRouge :) Our first thread in the shiny new section. Seems like they created it just in time for us to fill up the old one

Link to the previous thread

This is a support thread for any posters who feel that they might be (or know that they are) on the Autistic spectrum or have ADHD. Feel free to jump in! Some of us are diagnosed, some not, some trying to work out what it's all about. Women with these kinds of issues often present differently to men and as such, can go undiagnosed for a long time. Hopefully, we can help each other understand ourselves and be there for support along the way too.

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall

AS traits in women and girls by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie - Cynthia Kim's blog (Noted as being one of the only sources of information about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Women with ADHD by ADDitude magazine - this is a really good website in general (though it really needs a redesign). Lots of good, well researched info on ADHD and especially ADHD in women and girls. Do follow the links to other articles. They also have a closed facebook group which is good for info (FB is down so can't put the link up.)

Books
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly. (This is available as a PDF somewhere online but I can't find it now - sorry!)

Speakers

This is a new one but it's something I've found really helpful so I hope nobody minds me adding it. I won't link directly to videos because they show up in the thread, but worth searching youtube/Ted/google:

Russell Barkley: Clinical Psychologist who specialises in the subject area of ADHD. He explains it better than anybody else I have come across and has practical solutions to support life with it. He is VERY long-winded, but his talks are packed with info. Highly recommend.

Ned Hallowell: Another psychologist who actually lives with ADHD himself and has interesting insights. Author of the book "The ADHD effect on marriage". He is a little bit cheesy but worth a watch.

Sorry I only have ADHD links to put here but if anybody knows a good ASC speaker, feel free to add!

Online quizzes

Of course no online quiz is sufficient for diagnosis, but can be a useful signposting tool and a starting point for discussion with your GP.

RDOS Aspergers test

AQ test

Adult ADHD screening test

Symptom checklist of ADHD in women

Routine school pick ups are fine, meetings are awful.
My older dc have regular parents' evenings. Teachers sit at tiny tables in the main hall, and all parents mill around waiting to see them. It is chaos, when I do finally see a teacher, I can't hear a word they say and try to lip read.

I have just discovered that an actress I thought was one person is actually two different actresses and I can't tell them apart. I've nearly been in tears of frustration trying to work out why the information I'd googled didn't match the info I've googled before.
Anyway, elated now. Katherine Parkinson and Amanda Abbington in case anyone wants to know. They are apparently two different people.

LeChien I always thought they must be sisters.

Bloody hell!

Mind you, women are hard anyway - they change their hair all the time and use makeup which can change from day to day, making them look different and hiding their features, and can make them look more similar to one another.

I never would've guessed that was two different women

I didn't recognise a lady in the drs the other day because she'd changed her hair.
I completely blanked her then recognised her car later in the car park.

About trying to be NT or thinking counselling can help with that - that is apparently a fairly common process after diagnosis as you go through the grief stages. The "I can just be okay (or normal, or NT) if..." is the bargaining stage.

Amanda Abbingdon and Katherine Parkinson do look spookily similar. They're both in and married to/live with fellow comic actors, so that's another thing that they have in common.

I'm still in the grief stage for ASC. Oh well.

My friend has disappeared for a while. Usually we're in quite close contact. I'll hear from him again when he's ready. He often says to me that I need to change myself as well though. He says surely you don't want to end up like your dad (my dad spends most of his time confined to one room, surrounded by chronologically arranged Photography magazines.) He says I should not do things like go to the cinema on my own because it's weird.

The thing is that although I know I have problems - the main one being anxiety, I am far more accepting of myself now that I was 10 years ago. It was only when I started accepting myself more that I stopped self harming (used to have a huge problem with self harm).

Had my psych letter. Says "notes ASD query, Hug cannot regulate her emotions. We are discharging her from the mental health service."

It took an intercepted suicide plan/means etc (friend made another friend drive her to mine as she thought I didn't sound right) to get re-seen by crisis. I be allowed to see another psych.

The psych I saw was awful, she didn't give a shit about me.

I had more information in another thread, but it got deleted because you're not allowed to talk about suicide.

Sorry if this makes people uncomfortable, if it does, you can report it.

HugAndRoll - I am so sorry you are not supported properly. It sounds very difficult :(

You cannot regulate your emotions, yet you are being discharged from the mental health service?
Hug this is awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Do you think one of your friends could help you complain?
Could you ask your gp for a second opinion.
I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say, but given how you're feeling you shouldn't be discharged.

My GP wants me to be on mood stabilisers, but they have to be prescribed by a psych. That means, a psych has to take me seriously so I'm not holding my breath.

I believe I have AS, but an acknowledgement that I have more than depression would be good. I feel I would benefit from DBT, and I'm just not going to be able to access it until I get help from the CMHT.

I thunk an asc assessment/diagnosis will help no end with that hug
It will mean you know who and what to ask to get help.

Good luck getting someone to listen to you hug sorry if you've already covered it, I can't remember, but would it be possible for you to go private and pay for an assessment via one of the autism charities? Some of them allow you to self refer.

On a different note, we were talking about chewies before, just had to say what great customer service I've had from chewigem. I got a voucher to use but when I tried to redeem it there was a problem. I emailed for help about 7pm so after office hours, but got a reply within half an hour, and it's all been sorted, how's that for quick?

Argh, having a frustrating time :(

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. I need at least 20 but preferably 30 minutes of carefully calculated snoozing time and then in the mornings that I have to wake DS up, I usually go into his room and spend another 20 minutes sitting on his bed chatting to him to wake him up too. Whether it's because we've changed the routine due to starting school a month or so ago, or because my alarm is now louder due to transition between old and new phone and me not taking the time to work out a proper system, it's really annoying DH and he decided to try a new system.

So last night he informed DS if he is not out of bed by 7.15 he will have to go to bed 30 minutes early. This is fine and fair and I support it because with DS if he can't wake up it's because he is tired.

Then this morning DH started having a go at ME at 7am saying I needed to get out of bed and I need to not take an hour to wake up and I have to get dressed first (me having just realised it helps if I wear a dressing gown and get dressed last) or have showers in the mornings rather than evenings, and I'll have 50 minutes to dry my hair.

It's all suggestions, but I get really defensive when he starts throwing suggestions at me, and I wasn't really awake so I got really annoyed and he started off on a rant that I "can't" take an hour to wake up, it's "not what adults do" and I "need" to get up as soon as the alarm goes off. Well, I'm sorry, but I CAN'T. I can physically do it, of course, anybody can, and I will if I'm late or something urgent is happening, but I will pay for it with massive stress headaches and nausea and general not being awake for longer. It sounds stupid, but I know that if I wake up slowly, I'm more fully awake (which still isn't fully awake) in a shorter overall time.

It totally threw me off tack and I missed my own deadline for being able to have a cup of tea/coffee before leaving, so I wasn't able to have breakfast until later which is something I've been trying to work on this week. And although DS was ready in plenty of time I got dressed at the last minute and we arrived just in time (which is a win, but he doesn't think so because he's got into his head that we have to aim for five minutes before, not realising that I already do)

I think - I think - that somewhere in the argument he dropped in that he's annoyed by listening to my alarm going off repeatedly and me not actually getting up, which I do understand, because that is annoying, and I'll definitely look to change that. But I get really incensed when he brings up an argument and his whole argument is "Because that's the way it's supposed to be" or "Because everybody does it this way". Tell me the ACTUAL problem - that we're late (sometimes), or that my alarm is annoying (true) - don't just bang on about "This needs to change" AAAAAArrrrrggghghghghghgh.

I think that he doesn't really get that I do things in an unconventional way because a, it's a coping mechanism, and b, because I genuinely find it really hard! I'm not just doing it to be annoying or lazy. And now I feel shit that he's pointed this out because it's got me onto my "Can't even get out of bed" spiral and noticing other things that I'm not managing. But I can't say this, because he says that he doesn't like it when he says something which is bothering him and I go off into a spiral of "Can't do anything right!" because that isn't what he was saying. But I don't think he understands that these feelings are so strong and pretty much always bubbling under the surface for me, or that I'm ALWAYS working on shit like getting up in the mornings. I also feel like I'm heading towards a depressive period again because I've noticed that certain themes are making me maudlin and I've had to avoid certain blogs or areas of the internet because I'm trying to get off the depression train. So tipping myself into the "can't even [get out of bed]" spiral is a really BAD idea at the moment.

I instigated a weekly family meeting so that I could keep track of what was bothering others and I'd have an idea of things I'm working on and how long it's been but he dismissed it after one week saying it was pointless and we never keep the meetings up anyway (which is the opposite of what he says to me when I give up on things early on).

Blah. I'm going to write a list of all of the goals and things I'm managing/juggling/finding hard and maybe that will help me to see some kind of order and way through. And talk. Because he is reasonable and supportive but we get these communication blips, and I know I probably am not the easiest person to live with. Just don't want to get caught up in self pity before I have a chance to say what I need. (Right now I really want to tell him to fuck off but that would be unfair, I think. But I can't talk until I've got past that.)

DS does get help to wake up from one or both of us, BTW, from 7.

Bertiebotts - I'm sorry you had a hard morning. I do this as well (the alarm snooze thing) I find I need an hour to listen to my audiobooks before I can get up out if bed because I wake up anxious almost every day. So this means I have to set the alarm for 5am. I suppose it doesn't help that all my children go to different schools and one of them has to be on her bus at 7.30am. My time keeping is not naturally very good but I'm still working on it and most of the time I can manage not to be late any more. But the more anxious I feel, the more difficult it is to be on time!

I'm just wondering what you all think about this? Do you think it is easier to be in a relationship with someone else who is ND rather than NT? Probably my most successful relationship was with my ex husband who I'm pretty sure is on the spectrum. He and I didn't judge each other's odd ways. Although he did things which increased my anxiety like inviting work colleagues round for coffee BEFORE they went to work! I've also been berated by partners who feel my way of doing things is inexcusable for an adult. Eg, 'why do you have books in drawers?' 'This is not how you organise a house' 'don't mix things' 'you are setting a bad example for your children - they won't understand how to organise their own houses' etc.

Yep. It's an interesting question. TBH, 99% of the time, DH's chalk to my cheese works very very well. And if we were both anxious, or avoidant, or disorganised, we'd never get anything done. It's good for me that he's laid back enough not to care about things like books in drawers - I think if something didn't matter, then he wouldn't bother to mention it, but the problem is that when he does think something matters, he just expresses it really clumsily because he comes from a mindset where there are "right and wrong" ways to do something, whereas I would prefer it to be justified somehow and I will push until it is justified. I'm an ideas person and he is an action and planning person. I realised recently that he has to have back up plans for every possible situation, which blew my mind. I'm lucky if I have a Plan A!

However it gave me a grump for the whole morning but it's then pushed me to actually do something about it and this afternoon I've started (yet another) long term plan. This time using what I know about ADHD to structure it, which is new. In the past I've said why doesn't he just say what the problem is in a nice way, but in fact, I don't always hear him when he asks me to stop doing something which is irritating or inconvenient. And it might be because he doesn't usually back it up with a reason until we get into an argument about it, or it might just be because I think "Oh right! That makes sense! Yep, totally must stop doing that" and it gets lost in the haze of good intentions which is my brain. Gone, forever.

I started a thread in Other Subjects about my plan. If there are any avid planners here, I would love input (but it's really long and I don't mind if you don't want to!) DH is a master planner, so I might ask him, but I need to ask him really specific questions when I ask for advice because otherwise he gives me the DH way to do it, which almost never works for me, and then moans that I ask for advice but then immediately shoot it down.

Writing it out is helping for now.

Tell him to fuck off.

In all seriousness, it's really not helpful to tell you your routine is wrong because it doesn't suit him.

Is he NT? If he is then he obviously doesn't have a clue how you need to function.

When I was a teen, I had a leeetle radio obsession and I had to have a radio alarm that turned on at half past 5, so that I didn't miss my radio show, and I got up at half 7.
I used to share a room with my (nt) sister and she never complained about it.
That's just how stuff has to be.

I think you need to sort out your volumes, or maybe get it to vibrate under your pillow instead, and stick to that routine.

It's not fair that your whole morning is turned upside down just because your dh doesn't like an alarm going off 3 times.

(He should come and live with me - my dh gets up at about quarter to 5 every day, but sets his alarm 10 mins early and does the snooze. Ow!

Wow. And hello!
I've had a couple of really bad days where my anxieties got out of control at work. So I decided to do something about it. Looked up and emailed a shit tonne of therapists, none of whom had any availability, and bit the bullet with a specific therapist that specialised in ASD diagnosis. I'm still trying to decide if it's worth the cost. So I decided to utilise my "go to" site, and here you all are!
The online tests confirm everything I thought (ASD). DP is NT, but has a great emotional intelligence, he understands when I need space to recharge. I just need not to be working around so many feckin' noisy people. Work really don't get it, and I'm scared that without an official diagnosis, I'm going to not get reasonable adjustments, such as being able to work from home (it really is a job which only needs human interaction once a week - and is so repetative and process driven that only certain types of people could do it - the sort of people who are never going to manage in a loud office). Thus far, I have been told to "man up". This pissed me off no end!

I'm annoyed with myself because this weekend, I did 2 social things, which used up all my words for these last few days as well. Which wouldn't have been a problem if I worked from home. But there was interaction even before I got to my desk - about the bloody weather. I'm pissed off that I feel I have to spend my weekends recuperating from the working week, despite the fact that I've taken a massive pay cut to change jobs to one that I perceived was going to be easier on my MH.

I suppose on the plus side, my colleagues have now seen me have a MH issue, and at least one of them was so concerned that she sent me home early. How on earth I deal with it in the morning is a different issue. I need to talk to my line manager, who is so different from me it's unreal. Should I just say I've got MH issues? I had a course of CBT a few years ago, due to anxiety, so there's probably a record of it with the NHS. Do I even need proof that I have issues, or can I just say I've got them? I don't know.

Re: morning routine - when I was living with my family as a child, I would get up an hour before anyone, and drink tea, listening to the radio super quiet (according to the family) so I could get my shit together before the family chaos. These days, if DP is on an early shift, I sleep in the living room, so as to avoid the alarm clock of doom that is DP's evil alarm clock. It also means I avoid the noise of him shuffling around for 20 min in the morning.
I'm so glad we don't have DC to organise - I genuinely don't think I'd be able to do it. It's bad enough with the cats!

I'm kind of ashamed to post my morning routine - on college days, the alarm goes off at 7.30 and DP gets up, makes my packed lunch, and brings me a cup of tea in bed. I get up at around 8.30, then he drives me to college. On non-college days, I get up an hour or so before any appointments, usually after DP has brought me a cup of tea in bed, or sleep until mid-morning if I've nothing to do that day.

I'm not very good at mornings.

Gumblebee! I hope if I ever live with another man he does that for me - it sounds great!! My friend with AS actually did this for me when I stayed at his house. It is helpful when you're with people who understand you I think.

Oh Gumblebee - you are so lucky to have someone who can make your cuppa the right way!! It's still not right for me even if DP could, as he's up, therefore disturbing my morning peace. Bless him!