Neurodiversity support thread for women with diagnosed, self diagnosed or suspected ADHD and ASC

[BertieBotts]

Continuing the good work of the lovely EauRouge :) Our first thread in the shiny new section. Seems like they created it just in time for us to fill up the old one

Link to the previous thread

This is a support thread for any posters who feel that they might be (or know that they are) on the Autistic spectrum or have ADHD. Feel free to jump in! Some of us are diagnosed, some not, some trying to work out what it's all about. Women with these kinds of issues often present differently to men and as such, can go undiagnosed for a long time. Hopefully, we can help each other understand ourselves and be there for support along the way too.

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall

AS traits in women and girls by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie - Cynthia Kim's blog (Noted as being one of the only sources of information about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Women with ADHD by ADDitude magazine - this is a really good website in general (though it really needs a redesign). Lots of good, well researched info on ADHD and especially ADHD in women and girls. Do follow the links to other articles. They also have a closed facebook group which is good for info (FB is down so can't put the link up.)

Books
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly. (This is available as a PDF somewhere online but I can't find it now - sorry!)

Speakers

This is a new one but it's something I've found really helpful so I hope nobody minds me adding it. I won't link directly to videos because they show up in the thread, but worth searching youtube/Ted/google:

Russell Barkley: Clinical Psychologist who specialises in the subject area of ADHD. He explains it better than anybody else I have come across and has practical solutions to support life with it. He is VERY long-winded, but his talks are packed with info. Highly recommend.

Ned Hallowell: Another psychologist who actually lives with ADHD himself and has interesting insights. Author of the book "The ADHD effect on marriage". He is a little bit cheesy but worth a watch.

Sorry I only have ADHD links to put here but if anybody knows a good ASC speaker, feel free to add!

Online quizzes

Of course no online quiz is sufficient for diagnosis, but can be a useful signposting tool and a starting point for discussion with your GP.

RDOS Aspergers test

AQ test

Adult ADHD screening test

Symptom checklist of ADHD in women

Oh yes, logic puzzles (I take it you mean the ones with the tick/cross grids?) and sudoku, they were both obsessions of mine for a while.

Can't stand word searches though!

I remember writing the most evil wordsearches at infant school, when that was a common task for teachers to set (lots of time used up writing the things, more time filled when we swapped puzzles and had to find the words) - I would deliberately booby-trap the damn thing with deliberate misspelt versions and complete-but-for-the-last-letter versions of the words, and put the real ones backwards and diagonal. Muahahahahaaaa.

No wonder I was so popular.

I never saw the point of imaginative play. I used to collect twigs, leaves, stones and look for insects. I just lived inside my head.

In my social services notes it says that my mother couldn't control me, but my father could and that I presented as "superficial". It also said that I needed discipline.

The GP prescribed Prothiaden and Largactil after my father died to help my mother control me, but she gave me too much.

It says that I used to put my possessions in pairs when I was in the kids home.

I was labelled 'antisocial' by just about everyone

I had no bad or criminal conduct.

Yy in any English assignment where you had to make a real conversation. Mine were painfully bad.

I watch my dd and see how she makes stuff up with her toys, which is what made me realize I never really did that. And I didn't know that had been the case because I had an amazing imagination as a child, making up stories all the time, but I just didn't do imaginative play.
It's weird when you think about it.

:( hidden

Hidden [hugs]

I just remembered something else I used to do as a child- I would get entranced by a repetitive movement/visual pattern, like twirling a shiny string of beads in the air, I guess as a form of stimming. I could easily spend half an hour in one spot twirling my beads. But I would do it in private in my room, I'm not sure if it was a private activity to me or if I had actually been told not to do it. I sucked my thumb in private too, I guess because I was scared of being laughed at (I started sucking my thumb as a small child after I saw my cousin doing it, it's not something I did from being a baby).

Hidden :(

I never played imaginatively, I had loads of Britains animals, mainly cows and horses, and used to set them up, even into my twenties, and would probably do it now if the dc hadn't wrecked them :(

Tbh, none of us at home have done any imaginative play until ds3 came along - he gets engrossed with made up scenarios with any objects, it always amazes us watching him play.

I've always like mindless puzzles, I have a few on my ipad and get engrossed, then after a few weeks I'll delete it, but then download it again a few months later and be all engrossed in it again.
I remember Asa. Child I could do word searches really quickly, it was like the word that I was looking for stood out so I could see it straight away. I can't do it anymore though, maybe out of practice. Gumble, I love it when there are deliberate misspelled versions, and hidden swear words.

I'm getting more and more convinced that NT people think that those with asperger's or HFA assume that we are just not trying hard enough, and that's why we struggle.
One recent example - if a situation is difficult, just keep doing it until it's easy.
Well, for me it doesn't get easier, I get better at covering up how I feel (but everyone does that so it doesn't mean anything ), but as I get older I need more space before to work myself up to an event or social thing, and need longer to "recover" after.

I'm getting fed up of trying to explain, either about me or ds's, to constantly be told that it's our fault for not trying.
I was bullied throughout school, but it was my fault.
I don't have many friends, but it's my fault.
I have spent the whole of my life feeling crap, constantly compared to bright, successful, good looking siblings, and I've had enough.
If I draw something I'm particularly proud of, people are at pains to point out how I can improve it, or do it differently, and I don't know if I'm being sensitive, but all I hear is that it's not good enough, I'm not good enough.
Why can't I just be me and that's good enough.

Or being told that everyone has these issues, but the others are better at it.

Sorry, very long

And ds2's teacher has assumed that he is on pupil premium, which he's not, and I feel shit because I'm obviously giving off some sort of vibes about our family.
Maybe because I dress badly and look like a pile of shit at any given time.

Sorry, I'll stop now.

You don't have to stop Chien. I agree with everything you wrote about people assuming we're just not trying hard enough, and yy to people saying "everyone struggles with that".

Boden I identified with practically all your post.

When I was a kid for a long time I was convinced I was adopted and kept on at my mother to tell me the truth. I would draw other families and put myself in with them. I was always drawing, especially a particular little girl I wished was me.

I too collected. It was all about the sorting and amassing of dolls clothes and shoes.

Someone once said "ooh you do like things Dont you?" And I felt offended yet it is true!

I was so obsessed with intercom telephones, toy ones, that i drove my parents mad until i got them for Christmas.

I saw these types of obsessions in my son when he was younger but had no awareness of Aspergers.

The feeling of utter self hatred and disgust - being defective I get though has to be the worst part of Aspergers for me. It has been lifelong, though thankfully random!

chien pupil premium can be given for a number of reasons, none of which mean you are giving off 'vibes'. Especially with the recession, some very naice families of ours are PP! There is no reason to be ashamed even if you were PP.

Yes, like I spent most of my life feeling mortified when I realized i'd forgotten yet another thing, or double-booked myself etc.
I finally decided just to admit that I needed to be reminded as I wouldn't remember.
Then all I got was tips and hints amd suggestions on how to remember stuff.
Like I'm obviously not trying hard enough.
Nope, I just cannot remember things, appointments or bookings (or if I do, it's either because it's very short time or because I've forgotten several other things instead)

Thankfully, my asd self-diagnosis means that people actually believe me (although I haven't told everyone it affects) and there is actual praise for me when I remember something.
I never had that growing up.

Gumble I too had lots of cars which the local kids used to pinch off me. I could see them doing it, felt utterly hurt, yet dared say nothing, too scared of the emotion.

I also had train sets, Meccano but no Lego.

Thank you Crohn, I assumed it's because I looked awful

Sometimes I feel that I am doing things for the first time again. Example, I may have driven through our town centre on many occasions, but each time will fear that I Dont know which lane to be in.

Once we missed a concert because I had it fixed in my head it was a Saturday when in fact it was the Friday! Not popular when I finally got the tickets out on Saturday morning!

And that last comment makes me sound like a twat.
I give up now!

Chien oh the pain of hearing "why can't you be like so and so's wonderful children?"

Never ever "good enough".

I'm 45. I've always known there was something wrong with me, but could never identify what it was. I used to think I was schizoid, but I don't avoid human contact completely, which schizoids do. I can pass for normal on good days. I know I'm not a psychopath because I can empathise and I have a conscience. I never knew what my strong aversion and lack of identification with other humans was though. I've tried to figure it out my entire life. I've always just considered myself a misfit.

Tbh, I don't know what I'm going to do if my asd assessment comes back as negative, as I'm now so convinced that I have this and I can identify so closely to other women who have it. I didn't realise that it presented differently in woman to how it does in men. I've always believed in the stereotypical 'male maths geek' presentation. Or a kid who compulsively lines train carriages up in his bedroom

Oh don't worry LeChien - I didn't take it to mean that you thought people whose children get pupil premium look awful. I took it to mean that the kind of people who look at others and make assumptions about them, like the person who assumed your DS's school gets pupil premium for him, are the kind of people who would be judging you and thinking you look like the kind of person THEY think would have a kid who attracts pupil premium, IYSWIM (sorry if that's convoluted). Because anyone who looks at others and makes assumptions about whether their kids get PP must be basing it off some kind of prejudice.

Hidden I think you are one of us!

I certainly hope so Allo I really feel that I need to have some sort of place in the world. It's so isolating being like this. It's like a dirty secret too.

I'm becoming 'burnt out' too. Sometimes, I just can't face social stuff, even for the sake of the kids. I always used to manage even though it was unpleasant and stressful, but now, I'm really struggling. I'm relieved that they're older now as there's less stuff to go to.

Dh's family know there's something wrong with me, but are too polite to mention anything. They don't talk about this kind of stuff. I get into difficulty at work too because people are becoming more vocal and more unpredictable. I don't know how to handle this new breed of folks who seem so confrontational and sometimes hostile. They scare me. I have to remain professional when I'm really just feeling like I want to punch them and then leg it

Everyone's threads are so sad and struggly too. I feel for everyone. There must be so many undiagnosed people who are going through life in a state of confusion and stress. The NHS isn't up to the task of helping either. I'm sure ds1 has asd and we really struggled with him when he was younger. We had no help and no proper assessment. He even did the hand flapping thing for years and nobody even cared. He nearly got chucked out of Reception class ffs

Definitely one of us.

Isn't it absolutely fucking wonderful to be able to say "yes! Me too!" Without thunking "no, I don't do that/think that/ like that, but they do, so it must be the done thing so I'll go along with it"

I'm spending a lot of this (end of the) year crying because I am just starting to know who/what I am and how I fit into life.