Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Mumsnetters with disabilities

Please see our webguide of suggested organisations for parents to support children with learning difficulties.

Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

999 replies

EauRouge · 18/02/2015 09:12

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete Grin

Please come and join in!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
TwinkleDust · 11/03/2015 09:29

The questionnaires I completed were RAADS-R and the Autistic-Spectrum Quotient. The one for parents/close relative was 'past and present behaviour schedule', 41 pages long and I have no one who can complete this.

BertieBotts · 11/03/2015 10:26

Thank you Eau :) I had to wait nearly 20 minutes before I went in which made me really nervous but it was fine. Nice and quick as usual and I only have to go back once more! She asked me if I wanted an injection or not rather than assuming, and was clear I could ask to stop at any time. It didn't hurt at all so I was glad.

BertieBotts · 11/03/2015 22:38

Can I ask of any other suspected or diagnosed ADHDers - I read something curious in the "You're not crazy..." book about typical daily patterns of wakefulness, because it described me absolutely accurately.

This is the passage:

Some ADDers report that on a given day, their activity levels seem to
build from morning to evening. They are slow moving and thinking in
the morning, functioning well only if they can carry out routines without
interruption. Early morning conversations with family members
can consist of grunts and one word answers. These ADD adults describe
themselves as operating on "autopilot", capable of little more
than routine, automatic functions.
Nothing helps to speed up this process. These folk begin to gain alertness
by midmorning which is a problem when they work standard
daytime hours. By noon, they're going full tilt, using their energy to
talk nonstop to coworkers over lunch. With energy reserves drained
by mid-afternoon, the big slump often hits with a fight to stay awake.
The cycle often continues with a late afternoon shot of newly found
energy when they start revving up again. For many, the evening hours
are the most productive-late afternoon or evening shifts enable them
to work at peak efficiency

It is so true for me. Whether I've been to bed late or early, I really struggle to wake up in the mornings and am horribly grumpy and can't cope with changes to my routine. Weirdly when I have had less sleep I am often better.

By lunchtime I have energy and am ravenously hungry and want to do everything. But then at about 3pm I feel so tired that I could - and often do, if I'm at home - fall asleep, and then again it takes me ages to wake up. I intend to sneak off for 20 minutes and then DS is poking me saying "I'm hungry... where's dinner? It's five o'clock!" If I push through to when DH gets home and sleep when DS is in bed I can easily sleep until morning, but then I miss my evening, and often dinner. But if I try to push through to 8, 9, 10pm and have an early bedtime, I'm wide awake by then and don't want to go to sleep at all. Indeed, often when I go to bed at 10 or 11pm I am wide awake and find it really hard to get to sleep, easily disturbed by stuff like DH moving in the bed, noises outside, light, etc. I feel at my most attentive, focused and motivated and alive in the small hours of the morning. I have to set myself a bedtime because I can so easily lose track of time.

DH says to me "You should stop napping in the day, then you'd go to bed earlier and get up easier" and gets really irritated that I take over an hour to get out of bed, but I have tried doing that for several weeks at a time and it doesn't seem to stop the same cycle. And anyway, he often goes for a sleep after work. So you can see I was totally fascinated when I saw it written out like that, exactly as if they had seen a cross section of my life. Do others get this or am I just weird? Confused

I have recently found that if I exercise in the mid afternoons right when I feel sleepy instead of napping that boosts my energy immediately and carries me through to 11 but it's so counterintuitive to me to do something active when it's the last thing I feel like doing that I often can't face it at all or I just forget. I'm going to try and keep on top of that, though, I think.

TheFirstOfHerName · 12/03/2015 07:33

I have an afternoon nap three or four days a week. My productive times of day are 10am to 1pm, then 4pm to 8pm (or later if I have had a nap).

anzu66 · 15/03/2015 11:49

I just need to get this out in a place where people will understand. Sorry, it's a bit long.

To the three mothers at DS's school who have stood me up repeatedly.

YOU issued the invitation to meet up for coffee after dropping off DS. Mother 1, you even asked me to send you a reminder, and I dutifully did. Mother 2 you even said make a note of it in your diary. Guess what, I did.
Mother 3, YOU made the invitation for a play date. And I chose a location that would be easier for you, even though it was not so easy for us.

But I am the one standing out by the school entrance in temperatures around zero degrees, waiting for you to be buggered to get out of your car, which you then don't do.
For the play date, me and DS were the ones who spent an hours travel time to get to where me agreed to meet up, only for you not to be there AND have turned off your mobile phone.

Maybe in the greater scheme of things it is no big deal. Maybe for you meeting is more of a casual thing, and not doing what you said doesn't matter to you.
But each time you do it, you put me back into the spiral of self-hate, and recrimination, and dredging up of bad memories of exclusion, and getting things wrong.
So while you go happily about your day, I am stuck in analysing what I have said or done wrong to you that I either matter so little to you that I am so easily forgotten, or trying to figure out if/how I have offended you. And feeling like a fool that I took you at your word, AGAIN, and have been made to feel like a fool AGAIN. And wondering whether I should phone you, but then wondering why I am the one trying so hard, and feeling that if there were any friendship there at all, then I shouldn't have to be phoning you to ask why the f* you didn't show up when you said you would.

To hell with you. I am quite capable of making myself feel like shit, without any of this from your side.

PolterGoose · 15/03/2015 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 15/03/2015 12:04

Anzu that sounds horrible!! I'm sure it's nothing to do with you, though, I can't see anything that you've done wrong, they sound mean, rude and inconsiderate.

I'm sorry it's put you into a spiral :( But honestly I think even if you put that into AIBU you'd get a resounding "WTF, they are being unreasonable!!"

TheFirstOfHerName · 15/03/2015 15:03

anzu I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. What those people did is rude and inconsiderate.

EauRouge · 16/03/2015 07:39

anzu, that's bloody awful, I'm sorry. I get really pissed off when people break social rules. I get pissed off about most rule-breaking, but social rule-breaking really gives me the rage. It's annoying when you make such a huge effort and other people don't seem to give a shit or give you mixed/confusing signals.

It's massively unlikely that you've done anything wrong, I would guess they've done that thing where they agree to meet up to be polite but have no intention of doing so. Why people don't just say 'sorry, I'm too busy' is beyond me Confused there's nothing rude about saying that.

OP posts:
ISaySteadyOn · 16/03/2015 18:38

anzu, that's rubbish. In those situations, I end up trying to figure out what I got wrong, the time, the location, are they waiting for me thinking I'm an inconsiderate person? And then I start to struggle to breathe, I get so worried especially as I have huge hangups about being late.

Now I am having an anxiety attack over the things I have to do at DD1's nursery this week, a phonics workshop and an easter bonnet making thing. I am very dubious about both of these things as I want DD to know that letters make sounds but they are not in and of themselves sounds and I am both atheist and dyspraxic not a good combination for easter bonnet construction.

CrohnicallyInflexible · 17/03/2015 18:44

Just had to share this- I managed a long chat with one of my favourite colleagues today. We used to work together and had done for years until a restructuring recently. Anyway, I told her I'm being assessed for Asperger's and she wasn't in the least bit surprised! (she knows me very well and is one of the few people to have seen under the mask at work) and she was really pleased I'd finally plucked up the courage to go for it.

Of course, if she's on here then I've just completely outed myself racks --brain to make sure there's nothing too embarrassing under this nn

Mollyweasley · 18/03/2015 17:48

anzu, how horrible for you! I do exactly the same, it is so draining! Do you need to socialise with them, oh would it be easy to simply not? You really need to rest and Look after yourself now and do something you really enjoy and takes your mind of it.
Chrohnically Smile

Allofaflumble · 19/03/2015 09:23

I am just remembering when I went to a local GP - never seen her before and mentioned my suspicions of Aspergers and she said "I don't think you could have it".

Didn't know my history, never met me before, yet she felt entitled to say she did not think I had it. This shows the level of ignorance in the medical profession I think.

If you can string two words together and briefly make eye contact, then you don't have it - its that simple. (sarcasm)

EauRouge · 19/03/2015 15:46

Yes, I also got the brush off from a couple of NHS staff that were essentially clueless about autism. Even the psych nurse I saw- who told me that her previous posting was as a specialist autism nurse or whatever the actual job title is- immediately dismissed it when I brought it up, without even bothering to ask why I thought it might be ASD. It's fucking disgraceful, it really is.

But then, Allofaflumble, you did use sarcasm in your post which is further proof that you don't have ASD. Next you'll be telling jokes and everyone knows that people with autism don't have a sense of humour Wink.

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 19/03/2015 21:40

Eau and I didn't walk in on tip toes, flapping my hands! ;)

It has got to the stage that I don't think I will even bother to share my diagnosis with anyone. Their response is making me doubt that I have it even though I am certain I do.

By the way I got my diagnosis by contacting Tania Marshall and doing it via Skype. It took 4 hours in two 2 hours sessions and she was pretty thorough. We did the RAADS Diagnostic Scale. I came out at 174 and you need to score higher than 65 to get the diagnosis.

So why am I filled with doubt? What are we supposed to look like, behave like? I have had to make massive adaptations to get on in this life, to support myself, to avoid situations where I will fall apart.

Why do I feel like my brain is operating at four different levels, even more. Why is my inner life like being in a kaleidoscope (sp) permanently analysing every image, thought word and deed?

Why does every day feel like a new mountain to be climbed? You look around and everyone else seems to get with the programme but you are there analysing it like a scientist and feeling like you don't belong here.

Am I making any sense to anyone? AS can be very very lonely at times.

Had to get all that off my chest.!

To the poster who got let down by her "friends", oh how I recall that feeling, the hurt and the trust betrayed. We can be like children in this respect don't you think? Very trusting.

BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 19/03/2015 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrohnicallyInflexible · 20/03/2015 06:48

You make perfect sense to me flumble. We have adapted and analysed and adjusted till we fit in, to the point where not many people can see there is anything different. But we're like ducks, serene on the surface, madly paddling away under the surface to keep up.

The psychiatrist I saw said that, if he asked me to write an essay on 'friendship' I could write reams and reams, but it would all be on an analytical/scientific level, rather than emotional.

EauRouge · 20/03/2015 06:55

Argh, yes. I remember a really awful CBT session where I was talking about being bullied at school and college (and university- a recurring theme!). Not really bad bullying but like low-level teasing that went on and on. I did have friends but there was always a majority group that picked on me. I have dwelled on it for years because I am always trying to make sense of people's behaviour and I couldn't figure out why I was bullied- surely there was a reason? I don't mind people not liking me, but I need to know why, and it needs to be a logical reason.

My CBT therapist was a bit useless, I suppose because she didn't have any knowledge of ASD and didn't believe that I had it. Now that I know I have ASD it makes a lot of things from my past make more sense. I know now that you can't apply logic to people's behaviour, although I still don't really understand why.

I think it's pretty normal to have doubts. We all grew up during a time where autism=Rain Man and if you're not Rain Man then you're NT. And I expect we've all been told over time that we are weird, lazy, disorganised, anti-social etc. 30-odd years of being told by society that we are not autistic, we are lazy/weird/disorganised/anti-social and we just need to try harder, is going to be pretty hard to shake off.

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 20/03/2015 07:34

It is so good to know you are out there. I am on my own at work in tears. Can I ask. Do any of you suffer with acid reflux? I have it badly at the moment.

I have medication for it but stress over rides the relief it can give. It is making me tearful plus only slept a few hours!

Brain overload.

Allofaflumble · 20/03/2015 07:54

I get you Eau with the bullying. I have had so many jobs. People seemed to feel hostilities towards me on sight!

It must be an animal instinct thing. They sense our differentness? I love your analogy with the ducks Chronic. Smile

EauRouge · 20/03/2015 08:19

Sorry to hear you are suffering with acid reflux. I've had a lot of stomach problems over the years. I was tested for H. Pylori at one point but it came back negative. It got so bad that my GP suspected an ulcer. I was going through tons of Pepto Bismol and Rennies and puking a couple of times a week. I think it was due to the combination of stress of having a job and being in what would probably be viewed as an abusive relationship. I've found my stomach is a lot better since giving up on employment (and bastards), although I still can't eat anything very spicy or acidic or drink too much alcohol- good thing it only takes me a few to get drunk Wink .

From what I've read, digestive problems are pretty common for people on the spectrum. I don't know what the link is, maybe it is just the stress of trying to fit in or maybe it's a sensory thing.

Does anyone else get really, really pissed off when ASD is suggested on other threads as the possible cause for someone being an arsehole?

OP posts:
PolterGoose · 20/03/2015 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 20/03/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 20/03/2015 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 20/03/2015 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.